Journal

Trying out org-capture to keep a journal. Might be a good idea to track how medications are affecting me, as well as getting a better idea of how I’m doing over time.

2014-11-08 Sat 10:42

Timestamping these is also probably a good idea, to distinguish multiple entries per day.

2014-11-09 Sun 20:39

Somehow managed to forget to take my Zoloft today. Otherwise, a good day.

2014-11-10 Mon 10:10

Took both the vyvanse and the zoloft this morning, before leaving for work for a change (Around 8:20). Hoping that getting into a routine of taking it earlier will help both with remembering to take it, and also to avoid coping with the effects of taking it too late in the day.

I already feel the jitteriness of the vyvanse kicking in. I’m going to try and see if I can take lunch at 12 or 12:30 today rather than delaying it too far again. Whether I eat a lot or not, it’s no good taking my break that far apart from everyone else’s. It gets in the way of productivity, and I sometimes end up getting further delayed with post-lunch meetings.

2014-11-10 Mon 12:46

Actually started eating lunch

2014-11-10 Mon 13:28

Finished half my lunch.

2014-11-11 Tue 20:44

Almost forgot to take meds (zoloft + vyvanse) before leaving in the morning, but managed to. I did end up forgetting my lunch on the counter on my way out, though.

Had a semi-productive day, spent perhaps too much time preparing a document for a meeting that ended up being postponed.

2014-11-12 Wed 17:07

I’ve been getting to bed late (~1:30-2am) the past few nights, and haven’t been sleeping great. Decided not to bother with the vyvanse today.

2014-11-13 Thu 21:35

Didn’t sleep well last night, mostly due to the dog fussing. Spent the day feeling pretty tired and beat. No vyvanse today, didn’t remember to take the zoloft until nearly lunchtime. Getting to bed early tonight.

2014-11-14 Fri 20:46

Mellow day. Felt better with rest. Took zoloft around lunchtime again.

2014-11-17 Mon 11:16

Had a pretty good weekend. Spent it seeing in-laws and watching Big Hero 6. Only on zoloft both days. Got to bed just before midnight sunday, and woke up rested this morning.

Took vyvanse and zoloft before leaving for work this morning, going to try to get out of the office at noon for lunch to be sure I take a break and eat something.

2014-11-17 Mon 22:20

Took my lunch break at 1:15, wasn’t feeling up to eating any earlier. Grabbed dinner at 5:30 and ate it through my 6-8pm programming meeting.

2014-11-18 Tue 11:23

Got to bed pretty late last night (~3am), paying for it now. Did not take vyvanse today.

2014-11-19 Wed 21:39

Just zoloft today. Work was hectic, but manageable.

2014-11-21 Fri 17:40

Zoloft again today. Ended up a bit frustrated last night, as I was unable to finish while having sex with Jen. I imagine this is largely due to the Zoloft affecting my sex drive, and probably a little bit due to the dullness of it. She doesn’t want to have sex because she wants sex, but because we want a baby. I’m having a tough enough time getting excited lately, and Jen not being into it at all isn’t helping me any. Which is nothing new, but with my normal drive it wasn’t such an issue.

Forgot to head out of work early to keep my appointment with Dr. Shelley, so I’ll have to reschedule that.

2014-11-22 Sat 13:26

Took zoloft this morning, after a more successful (but still definitely delayed) session with Jen. Planning to spend the day relaxing.

2014-11-24 Mon 17:56

Zoloft today. Weather was uncharacteristically warm, and a little windy. Had a passing thought that it’d be a nice day to have worn a dress or long skirt to enjoy feeling it blow in the breeze. Unfortunately, all my crossdressing stuff is still hidden away. Not sure if/when I’ll be able to get it out and enjoy that side of myself. I would like to try it out again at some point to see if exploring it with Jen’s consent might help erase some of the unpleasant emotional baggage it’s carried in the past. My lowered libido might help keep the sexually charged aspect of it in check as well. I hope that it’s something I can enjoy purely for what it is, rather than always needing to get off on it.

2014-11-25 Tue 17:30

Just another day with Zoloft. Hit some difficulty getting tasks finished today due to some things requiring the CEO’s review/acceptance, and a bug reported by QA on another task that turned out to be more difficult than expected to fix. Looking forward to getting some stuff wrapped up tomorrow, then leaving to enjoy the long holiday weekend.

Jen has today marked as a “Tech-free Tuesday”, which we try to do once every couple weeks, but I might see if I can get away with working on a blog post I’m trying to get wrapped up.

2014-11-27 Thu 15:11

Had sex last night without any issues. Took Zoloft around noon. Heading down to Ocean City, MD for Thanksgiving with Jen.

Published a link to my org mode blog post to Google+, reddit, and hacker news.

2014-11-27 Thu 23:11

Took Zoloft in the morning.

My blog post was on the front page of hacker news all day, felt good to see it there.

Enjoyed dinner. Had a brief chat with Jen about cross dressing beforehand, she says she still doens’t know how she feels about it.

Tried sex, but we were both tired and I wasn’t able to finish.

2014-11-29 Sat 19:17

Had successful sex this morning, then took my Zoloft.

Headed out to enjoy more of the boardwalk, where more of it was active. Had a nice lunch (with a pretty good cocktail of ginger, honey, lemon and gin), did some outlet shopping, and saw the christmas light display.

2014-11-30 Sun 16:18

Took my zoloft around 12:30. Relaxed most of yesterday, had my bass lessons at 12:30, then spent the afternoon putting christmas lights up outside and getting some more practice in.

2014-12-02 Tue 02:03

Zoloft again.

I’m starting to get better at keeping track of what I’m up to at work, which is helpful since, on days like today, it’s easy to end up doing plenty of work without getting much done.

Now that Jen’s ovulation period has apparently passed, I don’t expect much sex again for a while. While my sex drive isn’t what it used to be since starting my medication, I do still miss feeling desired sexually. It’s very rare that I sense that from Jen, which I think is part of the reason I’ve sought attention online in the past.

I still wonder why I’ve tended to seek that attention from men, when I’m not really attracted to them. I do consider myself bi, but I’m much more interested in penises than the men they’re attached to. I suppose it’s a mix of wanting to be a submissive sexual object with my expectation that men will be more ready and willing to fill that role for me, and my lack of confidence with women (which, I believe, correctly or not, are far harder to find and engage with).

2015-01-08 Thu 23:09

I’ve been thinking about crossdressing more lately, and missing it a good bit. I spent some time this morning glancing at tumblrs from MtFs taking hormones, feeling envious of their breast development. I wish I were able to grow my own breasts, but I’m afraid of what that might mean for my relationships at home and at work. Age is also a factor; if I did start growing breasts, how long would I have left to enjoy them? I’m not sure how I’d feel yet about being an older transexual. I’m also not sure where I’d fit in, since I have no desire to fully transition, I just want some more feminine characteristics while keeping my manhood intact. It seems like a pretty selfish wish, though. It would make me happy, but I’m sure Jen would hate it, and how would I ever explain that to kids when I have them?

2015-01-18 Sun 17:15

At sea with Jen. We just got back from watching Cats, which was fun. The music was good, through I’m not sure the story was especially coherent. I’m always a fan of spandex, though :)

2015-01-19 Mon 17:00

Had a nice day out at Labadee, spent most of it in a cabana enjoying the sun and the water.

Had sex with Jen after returning to the ship and showering, which was nice, though I can’t help noticing the bored, distant expression on her face as I finish.

2015-01-19 Mon 17:07

Wandering around a beach resort can be a bit frustrating sometimes, seeing all the fit women around with tans, tight bathing suits and loose, colorful clothes. I seem to get jealous for a couple reasons. One being that I sometimes wish I had a woman like that in my life (not that I’d ever trade Jen for someone I only have a physical attraction to), and two being I really envy how good they look, and wish I had their figure and the ability to wear those sort of things myself.

2015-01-19 Mon 23:42

Stayed up a little late to gather highlights from the book I’m reading (“Coders at Work”) into a potential blog post. Shows promise, will need some re-organizing as I start fleshing out different sections. Some of the quotes will have their own, while others I think will be grouped together into a single narrative.

2015-01-20 Tue 17:54

In Jamaica today. Left the ship this morning to head to a plantation and do a jerk chicken cooking class. We sat at tables on the back patio of the main house at the plantation, seasoned chicken, chopped ingredients, kneaded dough and mixed our sauce. The food came out great. Afterwards, we headed back to the shops at the port. Jen got her christmas ornament and some cream rum, and I got a bottle of ginger wine and 12 year aged rum (which I sampled; it was smooth and tasted great, leaving a nice taste of rum in my mouth for a while).

2015-01-21 Wed 00:04

Looking back on some of the porn I’ve downloaded over the years, I’ve been into gay porn for a long while now. Particularly furry / yaoi / crossdresser porn. I’ve been into transexual porn for even longer than that. I’ve clearly had a thing for cock for a long time. Big cock, too. Anthropomorphized horse porn is definitely probably what got me into the furry stuff to begin with. I like them big, and I like them hard.

I’ve fantasized about my own dick being larger, to the point of being unwieldly. That plays into a desire to suck myself off, getting it to the back of my throat (something I’m not at all physically capable of, I can barely get the tip in after a good long session of stretching and trying).

It’s very rare that I’ve swallowed my own cum, though… usually the interest fades immediately upon climax, and suddenly I have no desire whatsoever to taste myself. Prior to climax, the desire is intense. The times I have, I didn’t find it unpleasant, just not particularly good tasting, either. It is nice, though, to see my own face covered in semen; that, plus the smell of it, can easily get me worked up again, certainly enough to lap some of it up.

Toying my ass is also something I’ve done since high school, though back then it was far more experimental. I didn’t have proper toys to use on myself back then, just comparable objects. I remember it feeling strange, but pleasant. It would be a good long while before I finally started getting myself dildos. As I recall, my first attempt was with a clone-a-willy kit, which didn’t end well. I also remember having a double-ended dildo for a while, though I can’t remember for how long. I’d purchased that one curious to see how far in I could get it. Since then, I’ve bought fantasy dildos from bad-dragon.com, and a live cast horse dildo. My more recent purchases have been lifelike, large human cocks with balls, which feel great.

Clearly, this, like the crossdressing, is something that’s been with me for a long time now. The trouble is, like the crossdressing, I’m not quite sure how I can satisfy those urges while married. I have my toys, and Jen knows I have (and sometimes use) them, but it’s still a very private, secretive thing since she’s not involved and doesn’t seem to like to acknowledge it’s something I do.

I still get the urge to find a smooth, good-looking young guy to suck off and let him fuck my ass. Sometimes I want a man to use me, I want to submit to him, lie back, and take it like a girl. I want to get my face covered in his cum, and I want him to pump a huge load in my ass. I want these things pretty badly sometimes. But I do not want to risk my marriage. I don’t want a relationship with a guy. I just want to get laid, have a safe, no-strings-attached fling on the side. Some way to relieve these urges and satisfy myself.

The same goes, frankly, with women. I’ve never been with a thin, attractive woman. I’m terribly envious of guys who have good looking wives or girlfriends, and I wish I had a woman like that who has a sex drive to match my own. I miss passionate sex; I hate being the only one in my relationship who has any lust, any sex drive at all. I want very much to be desired, to be lusted after. I want sex to be adventurous, fun, and intense. I want a partner I can experiment with, trying new positions and toys, having an open line of communication about what each of us wants and enjoys. I want sex to be a real part of the relationship, not just some one-sided passionless concession. I love Jen, I really do, but we just aren’t sexually compatible, and it really frustrates me sometimes. There are times I’ve wished I had the nerve to go out and find a woman on the side, or even worked out how to meet anyone else. There are times I wish Jen could accept a more open relationship where I could satisfy my sexual needs elsewhere, though I know that could never happen. It certainly seems no more likely than Jen getting her drive back and becoming less prudish, and more adventurous.

All of these desires just end up leaving me feeling broken, conflicted, and guilty. They seem selfish, and destructive.

The same goes for the crossdressing. I’ve had the bulk of my clothes stored away outside the house for a long time now, but my desire to dress hasn’t subsided in the least. I still sneak my breast forms and a bra out from time to time so I can at least enjoy a little bit of it. Just a couple weeks ago, while out on an errand at Target, I bought myself a pair of yoga pants and a new sports bra. I have a couple new shirts I picked up cheaply at a thrift store near work. Lately I’ve also been thinking a lot more about how I wish I had breasts of my own, looking through galleries of various transitioning MtF transexuals, feeling jealous of their progress. I have no desire to transition, not completely anyway – I enjoy my manhood too much and have no desire whatsoever to become a woman, but I do wish I were more feminine, and breasts have been a fantasy of mine for a long time. That in particular seems very selfish – Jen would lose the physical attraction she does have for me, and would probably threaten the relationship as I expect she’d want nothing to do with me in that state or having to cope with being married to someone like that, and I can’t imagine what that would mean for my family and work relationships. None of that makes it any less attractive a fantasy, though.

I seem to want the best of everything, of every world. Much of it seems very unrealistic, and very selfish. Some of it may be fine as simple fantasy, but at the least, the desire to crossdress and the need for real sexual connection are becoming more stressful lately to continue sweeping under the rug.

2015-01-22 Thu 16:45

Beautiful day in Cozumel. Woke up at 6:30, and were off the ship by 8:15. We did some snorkelling off the beach at Akumal, saw some sea turtles, some stingrays, and some fish in the reef. Afterwards, we had lunch by the beach, and made our way back to the ship.

2015-01-24 Sat 23:59

Back home to cold, snow-covered Philadelphia.

I just today realized that Jen scheduled for us to drive up and see her father next Sunday. I struggle with the fact that I have to keep reminding her that I have my bass guitar lessons on Sunday. I’ve had them Sunday at 12:30 for over a year now. They’re on my calendar, which is shared with her. And yet, there always seems to be some reason I’ve got to cancel at least once a month. It can be pretty frustrating sometimes.

2015-01-25 Sun 00:03

I noticed I didn’t get around to entering it into my journal, but on Tuesday (?) morning Jen and I had some pretty good sex. She let me do some foreplay with my tongue before penetrating her, and she ended up turning around and letting me finish off doggy-style, which is about as exotic as we tend to get. I then finished her off with some more oral and finger play. She doesn’t give me the opportunity to pleasure her often, so I relished it.

2015-01-25 Sun 00:06

I ended up masturbating tonight after Jen headed up to bed. I cleaned out my ass and toyed it a bit with a small prostate massager, then worked up to my large dildo. When I came, I came hard. Good anal tends to give me my best orgasms, which leave me satisfied for longer, and once I’ve gotten it out of my system, I tend not to feel a need for more anal stimulation for a while as well. Which is good, since it usually involves a bit of cleaning up afterwards.

2015-02-10 Tue 09:33

Do I need constant therapy to stay married?

Jen won’t ever trust me..

Why do I keep secrets? Because I’m ashamed of what I want? Because I feel selfish and guilty for having these thoughts?

What do I want? I don’t miss being alone, I’m terrified of it. I do miss the free time, I relax better alone sometimes, and there’s several things I like to do (games, etc) that are solitary activities. Why can’t I compromise on that, or even ask?

Is it the sex? I don’t get much satisfaction when Jen isn’t into it, and it’s very rare that she is, on the occasions we actually have any. I can’t control that, though. Is it that important to me to feel desired physically? I got by OK for 23 years without it… or did I? Maybe I need that validation, it’s not something that’s easy to come by as an introvert like me. I’ve never been comfortable approaching people, women especially… if it weren’t for the internet, I’d never have met Jen, and dating was brutal at first, since I have a really hard time approaching people, let alone engaging them and opening myself up to them.

I think that’s part of the reason I seek attention from men online; engaging them is ridiculously easy, and simple to do anonymously. I imagine there aren’t many women out there to find, because of it, too. The attention is usually blunt and obscene, but its attention nonetheless. And it feels safer somehow, since I don’t find them attractive and don’t really want anything to do with them. I do find penises attractive, but not the men themselves. And so I enjoy the sexual attention, and get off on it.

It’s also how I cope with some of the sexual desires I have that Jen either, at best, has no interest in, or at worst, finds repulsive. I enjoy experimenting with my body, finding out what I like. That includes using dildos and other toys anally, and wearing provocative clothing. That, in turn, ties it into my cross dressing, which has been with me for years now, and doesn’t seem to be something I can give up yet. I enjoy it both for the sexual enjoyment of it, and the comfort of escaping into my feminine side. I haven’t been able to share either part of it with Jen, and it doesn’t seem I’ll ever be able to.

I love Jen, more than anything else in my life, but I don’t know how to deal with the things I don’t feel comfortable sharing with her. I feel guilty asking for things she cannot give, or that I expect she wouldn’t want to give. I feel guilty asking for time to myself, because I don’t like wanting things she isn’t a part of.

There is nobody else I’d want to spend my life with, nobody else that makes me so happy everyday,… so why do I struggle and screw up so much? Do I not feel worthy of her? Do I feel some need to punish myself constantly, and end up hurting her in the process? Why aren’t I ever thinking of how I might be affecting her? Am I not meant to be married? What would I ever do without her? If I screw this up, how could I ever be happy again?

What kind of help could I even get to figure this out? I mull over everything myself, but I never seem to get anywhere. I only ever seem to fall into the same ruts, the same destructive behavior. The fear that I won’t get through this, or that it won’t matter because Jen can’t take any more of this, completely overwhelms me. Being afraid and confused only makes matters worse. Jen expects me to figure something out, and only I can.

Nobody can help me, and I don’t know where to start.

2015-02-10 Tue 10:40

Maybe I should stay with my mother for a while. The reality of the situation never really seems to sink in; denial and avoidance take hold instead. I need to face this, somehow. Maybe she can help. All that AA stuff has to be of some use.

2015-02-27 Fri 13:44

I’ve tried to get started on a journal entry since visiting the love and sex addiction group on Monday night, but found myself putting it off. To sum the experience up in one word, I’d say it was intimidating. These were people with real problems, some of which had either derived from or led to more serious issues. There I was, still struggling with figuring out what my problem is, facing the idea of a sort of sexual sobriety, and feeling I would not be welcome unless I somehow fully committed myself to the same standard immediately.

I was a bit nervous heading in, not quite sure what to expect, but understanding that I was going to be sitting and talking with people who are there to cope and help each other. Everyone was, in fact, perfectly friendly and understanding of my nervousness and anxiety. My self-introduction was by no means as eloquent or coherent as the established members, but I stumbled through and made sure not to leave anything important out. As I listened, though, it seemed pretty clear that to fit in (and very possibly, to make progress on myself), I’d have to not merely abstain from socializing sexually, but abstain from all manner of self-gratification. This struck me rather hard, and on that night at least, left me feeling a bit defensive. None of this has been life-or-death to me, as it may be for some. It seemed extreme to give everything up. Total abstinence seems equally as extreme and unhealthy to me as sexual addiction. I have some real issues and needs to contend with, after all. Sometimes the porn helps. Can’t there be some way to learn to moderate?

After the meeting, still a bit on edge from having shared myself with strangers and absorbing all the ideas from the meeting, I ended up chatting for a short while with Jen about it. She wanted to know how the meeting went, and how I felt about it. I was honest, and let her know that I thought it could be helpful, but that I was also pretty intimidated by it, and a little apprehensive. We acknowledged that I do have to work on this somehow, since I clearly do have a problem, and can’t let myself fall back into the same situation where I end up approaching people online again. She also told me, with tears in her eyes, about how her father has had similar problems, and that she feels he’s never truly been honest with her about them, and that she’s now faced with me contending with this. By the time we finished talking, I’d cleared all my pornography off my phone and computer, and saw to it that by the next day, all of it was completely gone, and some internet filtering was set up to keep me off some of the sites I liked to frequent.

I don’t know if this is the right thing for me yet, or how I’ll cope with it, but I’m willing to give it a try. It’s obvious to me that I need to fundamentally change my way of thinking about sex and intimacy to avoid destroying the relationship I do have, and I feel like these problems have severely clouded any chance I could have at understanding my crossdressing habits as well.

Jen did ask me what I would do about my “other stuff”, which I assume means my feminine clothes and my sex toys. I’m not 100% sure how I feel about that. I really do still miss crossdressing, and still sometimes sneak at least my breast forms on from time to time because it feels like a part of myself I’m not ready to let go of yet. If it turns out to be empty without the sexual element then so be it, but I’m not convinced of that yet. I still hope that I can separate the two and be able to enjoy it again. Hopefully, before I start to get too old to pass somewhat and enjoy it. As for the toys, I’m hesitant there as well since I can’t quite picture what would fill that void either. I don’t see how taming my dependency on porn and gratification will significantly change what I enjoy or desire sexually. In any case, this is all stuff I intend to discuss at therapy this afternoon.

I’m also a bit conflicted by the scheduling of the group. It will conflict with my biweekly programming seminar, which has been a very positive thing that I’m not prepared to give up, but I’m not sure if it’s ok to see the group less than weekly. I may have to consider rescheduling the seminar, though that could be just as troublesome.

2015-03-02 Mon 09:17

Another monday morning spent not wanting to bother waking up, followed by pushing ice off the cars and walkway, skipping breakfast, and calling into the 9am scrum from the car around the corner from the parking lot to hear a bunch of moaning about not having a goddamn clue how to start the new week. I’ve also got to talk to Kevin and a couple other guys about permanently rescheduling our XTS meetings, then head off to my second group meeting after work.

2015-03-20 Fri 12:46

Working from home today, as some late-season wet snow falls and piles up outside. Despite some headaches, the work in our current sprint has gone well. I was right to have split the 911 call notifications project and divorce it from the general concept Alan was proposing; we have working, deliverable software now that fulfills the customer’s needs, and didn’t get caught in the weeds of figuring out unclear requirements of a broader, unnecessary feature.

2015-03-20 Fri 15:37

I’m getting pretty sexually frustrated today. I haven’t been masturbating at all, and haven’t had sex. It’s getting pretty tough to stay away from porn. When I succeed in avoiding it, it’s usually by overloading on other random nonsense like twitter and facebook to try and distract myself. I’m feeling irritable now, wondering how I’ll cope with this abstinence. I still find my thoughts drifting towards giving blowjobs as much as they do getting one. I’m still not sure how I can be so attracted to the idea of a penis, without being attracted to men, but I can’t seem to shake my craving to pleasure one.

2015-03-20 Fri 22:05

Feeling unmotivated, can’t decide what to do, and don’t feel much like doing much either. Frustrating way to spend an evening.

2015-04-07 Tue 00:27

I’m sitting around tonight after Jen’s gone to bed, finishing some wine and watching anime. Watching a couple episodes of Genshiken: The Next Generation has me jealous of Hato again. I really do miss cross-dressing, particularly being able to put any real effort into it. I hate having it continue to be some weird, hidden secret I keep to myself and can’t express openly, not even with my wife. I’m not exactly prepared to share this part of myself with all of my friends and co-workers, but it would sure be nice to have acceptance from Jen, and maybe a safe circle of friends I could dress around. Even if it’s just a cross-dressing support group or something. It’s not like I don’t like being a man, it’s just that sometimes I’d rather express my feminine side. i still seem to get the urge to do so the most when something’s stressing me out, and coping with the sex addiction is definitely contributing to that, along with difficulties figuring out how to handle work. That aside, now that it’s finally starting to warm up, it’d also be nice to take advantage of the nicer weather and start enjoying it with my skirts. I don’t have a lot of hope for Jen being ok with me shaving or waxing my legs again to do so, though, and I have even less hope for her being supportive of me dressing up or even wanting to dress up.

It seems, for now, that my best bet remains taking advantage of what little private time I have to enjoy my wigs, forms, and what little clothing I have in the house to relax with. Things like makeup, hair removal and actually getting into a full outfit will just have to wait for now. I really hate how I’ve intertwined this with my sex addiction. I feel perfectly capable of enjoying dressing on its own merits without it leading to masturbation or other things, but I don’t think I’d be able to convince anyone else of that, given my history of using pictures of myself dressed to seek sexual attention. I’d be lying, after all, if I said I never get aroused from it, but that really isn’t the reason I dress. I much prefer not to be sexual with it at all, but instead to enjoy simply expressing this side of myself, and having fun putting the time in to make myself look as convincing as possible so I look and feel feminine. The more effort I put in, the more confident I feel with it. My goal isn’t to look sexy, or to seek attention; it’s more to let my feminine side shine, and look and behave as I might if I really were a girl for a while. I just want to be able to enjoy this side of myself while I still can, before age and adulthood steal it away from me altogether.

2015-04-07 Tue 22:11

The day started out as nothing particularly special. The erlang presence component crashed due to … something, again, and it turns out it did so at 4:50pm yesterday without anyone realizing until 9am this morning. The amusement of that discovery somehow lightened my mood as I started poring over logs and graphs.

My urge to crossdress more has been getting the better of me, and I ended up hitting the mall for lunch, and stopping by Victoria’s Secret. I bought myself some new panties, and got talked into a matching bra to boot.

Later in the afternoon, though, a couple bits of bad news hit. While I didn’t hear it directly, I noticed that Phil’s dog, Star, had passed away. It’s a shame, Star was a great dog. Then, just as I was about to start packing up for the day, Ben suggests I check my email, and in asking him why, I discover that Rick has been let go. It’s sudden, and it brought the mood of the whole office down. We watched as he packed his things, quietly said goodbye to us, and headed out with some help to carry his boxes. It left the team in a quiet shock, and ended the day with an uneasy, unpleasant mood. I will miss him, and I hope he’s doing ok.

2015-06-23 Tue 10:04

Frustrated with work this morning; the business is shutting down the broadworks effort to work on minor features and continuing to shuffle the teams we’ve been building in hopes of some sense of structure and stability.

As I put it to Ben this morning:

(10:01:55 AM) bbrannaka@chat.coredial.com: are you going to push back on putting down BW again?
(10:02:47 AM) bbrannaka@chat.coredial.com: atleast you didn't become Ed's minion like me :(
(10:02:49 AM) croush@chat.coredial.com/work: I don't know. I would like to make the case that it'd be nice if the business held some commitments to us (re: prioritization) to the degree we attempt to hold ours (scope). I don't know if that's a good sell or not, though.
(10:02:54 AM) croush@chat.coredial.com/work: Maybe leave out the comparison.
(10:04:00 AM) croush@chat.coredial.com/work: but this constant doubling-back on pretty major priorities is stress-inducing, frustrating, and makes for a lack of trust and respect, all poisonous to the work environment.
(10:04:19 AM) bbrannaka@chat.coredial.com: agreed

2015-06-27 Sat 20:40

Feeling a bit disappointed in myself for masturbating today. I was planning on making my phone a fresh start now that I’ve upgraded it and re-installed apps, but I ended up grabbing some videos from 4chan and masturbating in the bathroom while we were waiting for our chinese food to be delivered. Wasn’t long, felt good, but afterwards it started sinking in again that maybe I don’t have control over my urges after all.

2015-08-24 Mon 23:59

Thinking today on how I don’t write in my journal too much.

Tonight’s meeting went well. It’s been a busy couple of weeks, with PLUG, the Extreme Tech Seminar, Morgan’s first birthday party, and Sarbani’s wedding reception.

Recovery has been going well. It helps that I have a sponsor, now. Stan has been very easy to talk to, and very supportive. I bought “Answers in the Heart” (a daily meditations book) at his recommendation, as well as “A Gentle Path” (the 12 step recovery workbook). I managed to go two weeks without masturbating, but gave in and did so this morning before hopping into the shower. I’m not feeling too badly about it, since it was a good run for me, and I feel I masturbated more to calm the physical urge than anything else. There was still some pornography involved (solo cumshot videos), but the focus was on me, not any particular fantasy, which is an improvement. The meditations book has been a help so far; it just wasn’t enough this morning. I requested a new one-day chip at tonight’s meeting. Rather than continue to feel helpless, giving up before I even begin (I’ve held off getting a new chip because I haven’t felt like I could do it), I feel confident now that recovery is possible, and whether I stumble or not, I’m on the right path and I’m not looking back.

2015-08-31 Mon 17:44

Taking a little time to type into my journal before I start another round of monday night education, therapy, and SLAA meeting.

Met with Stan over lunch to discuss the first few bits of Step 1 in A Gentle Path. We talked about affirmations and consequences of the addiction. He recommends I start repeating affirmations to myself aloud, twice daily, and to have them ready and memorized when I call him each day. It’s an interesting notion that I could convince myself of things through simple repetition, but I have heard others talk about the benefits of it, so I’m willing to give it a try. After all, if I can’t tell myself I deserve happiness, or that I’m worthy of and capable of giving love, how would I ever accept it from anyone else?

I mentioned to Dr. Shelly at my individual session on friday that I’m having difficulty knowing what makes me happy. I’m always looking to make others happy, or to fulfill expectations I think they have, and I’m always guilting myself over not meeting those expectations. I need to be better at meeting my own needs, and asking others for help.

My plan for now is to work on affirmations, and focus more on my feelings. I need to feel them rather than repress them, and I need to learn to express them better. I also need to take a good look at what my priorities really are, and stop worrying about meeting unrealistic expectations for myself.

2015-09-10 Thu 20:02

Feeling pretty positive overall. I went with Jen to the doctor on Sunday, and we got good news. One of her follicles was 23mm, which was a surprise, and about the best growth we’ve seen so far. Our hopes are up that we may be able to conceive without needing IVF.

In spite of the good news, I’m still struggling a bit with masturbation. I was able to perform without issue over a few days while we were trying to conceive, but still ended up masturbating in the morning. I haven’t been doing a good job keeping myself safe in the morning – I haven’t been keeping my phone elsewhere, nor having Answers in the Heart nearby instead.

2015-09-15 Tue 15:56

Stuck at home again, feverish and achy from all of yesterday’s coughing, sneezing, and discomfort.

Saw the doctor, then headed to Giant to pick up my prescription. While I waited for the prescription to be filled, I wandered around and scanned over the magazine rack.

An issue of Psychology Today caught my eye, probably at first because the cover’s provocative depiction of a red-skinned attractive woman biting her lower lip is a bit sexually triggering. Each of the featured articles described seemed interesting, so I ended up buying it. The main one (to which the cover image pertained) discusses “wicked thoughts”, and dealing with impulses. Also featured was an article on couples handling conflicting sex drives, anxiety, a mother coping with her transgender son becoming a woman, and applying video game logic to real-life issues.

While I expected the lead article to touch a lot more on sex than I initially thought (no doubt my own projections re: sex addiction), I found it very enlightening. Particularly, how it recommends dealing with thoughts and impulses. It warns against suppression, articulating how that can make the thoughts more powerful and more frequent, potentially leading to obsession.

One should never forbid what one lacks the power to prevent.

— Napoleon Bonaparte

Instead, it suggests Buddhism-style acceptance of the thought as “just a thought”, followed by simply moving on. Other alternatives included writing the thought down then physically discarding it, or (for obsessive, troubling thoughts) using your imagination to explore the thought and what its consequences might be were it reality. The article refers to Carl Jung and his concept of the “shadow self”, which he described as “most destructive, insidious, and dangerous when habitually repressed and projected.”

But who has such control over the mind? If the self really is just an illusion to make sense of reality, it didn’t create the dark thought, nor can it prevent it. The shadow self has no master.

My struggle so far with my sexual impulses has, in fact, been repressive: my aim has been (predominately) to shut them down, or at best, avoid them. While I’m generally accepting of my sexual desires, the same is not necessarily true for my impulses to act out by, say, performing fellatio for another man, or submitting to anal intercourse. I acknowledge that I have these desires, but I push hard against the compulsion to act on them. Instead, I should examine the true consequences those actions would have. I have a huge blind spot to them when the impulses are upon me, so being more mindful of them when they are not might be good exercise.

2015-10-02 Fri 15:02

I’m really feeling an urge to enjoy some porn and masturbate. It seems unfair that what feels like a natural urge should be ignored in case it might be something else. I’m managing so far, but I expect it won’t get any easier, at least not in the short-term.

2015-10-05 Mon 17:07

Very frustrated with Mike King today. An issue was raised Friday, which we discussed today, stating that logged-in agents in the dashboard did not display the extension number they’re logged into if the user of the dashboard lacks permissions (by way of groups) to see the extension (meaning they are incapable of seeing it in any list nor requesting any information on it directly via the API).

My stance is that this is the expected behavior for the API, as the user legitimately lacks permissions to the data in question. This isn’t to say that the dashboard shouldn’t possibly have that information – it’s clear that the information is important to have in that context – but that the issue is instead the user rights configuration.

My frustration is with Mike’s blind adherence to the notion that the information be provided by the API in the events themselves, which I argue is in conflict with the design of the API, which relegates such attributes to lookup methods intentionally to keep the maintenance of configuration (and the caching thereof) separate from event notifications. I feel that I wasn’t being heard out, and was frustrated that not once was the idea that the configuration that allowed this scenario (users being able to see agents but not their extensions) considered as the true problem. I see it not as an error in the API implementation, but rather as an oversight in how the user dashboard would behave in such a scenario (which, in and of itself, is a rare state to be in).

I’m hoping we’ll be able to have a more constructive discussion around the issue and what will be done with it before a patch is applied that adds the field to the event anyway. If we can’t manage to have that discussion, then I’m not confident that my experience over the past five and a half years is being valued, and I will have doubts that I will be heard in the future, even if I achieve an Architect role.

I am not the only one frustrated lately, either. Jason has had trouble preparing workflows in JIRA to attempt to provide something manageable while at the same time satisfying the business’ needs, but Mike has been making his own decisions about how JIRA will be managed without Jason’s input, which seem even to me to be poor choices, and all the sillier given that Jason was appointed to be in control of managing the tool.

2016-01-17 Sun 14:32

Who am I? What makes me happy?

I had a dream last night involving cross-dressing. I was at a theater, I think with my wife. I ended up sitting by the side of the stage, and was invited up for a small skit. Following that, I was invited to perform in a longer bit, in which I’d play a cross-dressing character. I was thrilled to accept, thinking if they only knew how natural a fit it would be for me. I enjoyed being taken around and dressed up. I recall having my nails painted, and hair dyed bright red-orange. I remember being offered an A-cup bra, and letting slip that I usually use a C.

I haven’t actually dressed up much in quite a while, and I do miss it. I miss putting my energy into it, and looking and feeling good doing it. I think I yearn to have it encouraged, rather than discouraged.

I was thinking earlier today about how little I feel I really know about myself and what makes me happy. I have a sense of what I do that makes other people happy, but am often stumped when I try to think about what I want to do for myself. Am I a cross-dresser? Is playing the bass guitar my hobby? What is it about penises that I find so arousing? Do I know where I want my life to go? My career? There’s a lot of questions I don’t know the answer to, and I don’t know how to find them. My default is to do whatever other people want me to do, but what do I want to do?

2016-01-22 Fri 16:39

Stressful day. Had a contractor come to the house to take care of the bathroom ceiling. Jen was home, I was at work. Jen called me, told me the contractor saw that the insulation in the ceiling needed replacing, but he wasn’t able or willing to do that work. It was unclear whether it needed to be done prior to the ceiling being completed. His impression was that it could be done afterwards. We also learned that the reason he didn’t want to do it is because he’s allergic to it. After some back and forth with that information, I ended up heading home to see the problem for myself and figure out what to do. It turns out that it will be easy to do afterwards (it’s blown insulation, which is easy to manage from the attic access from our bedroom closet). Still, that was stress I didn’t really need today. Thankfully, it’s worked out, and the contractor will return later to take care of the insulation for us.

Snow is on the way this weekend, which canceled our plans to hang out with Stephanie at her place. On the plus side, someone was walking through the neighborhood offering snow removal services for $35, so at least I won’t have to deal with it if it’s as bad as the forecast suggests.

I’ve been good so far this week with not masturbating. I’m hoping to make it a full week again, then maybe aim for another three-week streak and see where it goes from there. The trick is not to keep reminding myself of that, though, and deal with it day by day.

I have been wanting to cross-dress a lot lately. Not because I want to use it to fantasize and act out with it, but because I miss expressing that side of myself and relaxing with it. Today specifically, I was on ebay checking out shoes. I don’t know how Jen will react. She has noticed that my clothes and such are around (I have some hanging in the downstairs closet), and hasn’t said anything besides “oh, there’s clothes in here”. I should have a discussion with her about that. I also looked into support groups, and found one in the Trenton area that’s specific to heterosexual cross-dressers and their significant others. That might be worth checking out.

2016-02-29 Mon 20:50

What am I doing with myself?

I’m home from group therapy, sitting on the sofa next to Jen while she plays Fallout 4. I could be talking to her about what I talked about at group, but I’m not.

There’s the stuff at work that’s bothering me. I’m annoyed with the projects on the horizon and what I perceive to be a lack of focus and direction. I’m annoyed that there’s still no sign of the architecture position I want to shift into. There’s the sense that my opinions on things no longer matter (like product deciding against the team’s recommendation the commissions backfill stuff not be automatic, without the users doing it at their discretion).

There’s the stuff at home, with my frustrating, continuing failure to stop masturbating. I’m annoyed that I have to go into group and tell them that I’ve failed yet again. Nothing seems to be effective, and there are plenty of times when I feel like I should be justified in doing so. The porn is still a bad idea, but I get irritated when I feel I should be denying myself that as well. Sexual abstinence seems to just leave me feeling restless, irritable, and frustrated, rather than revealing any manner of underlying feelings motivating me to “act out”.

One thing that came up, which is nothing new, is why don’t I go up to bed when Jen does. It seems simple enough on its face, but I know that’s hard too. Sometimes I miss alone time. Sometimes it’s the only opportunity I seem to have to watch my shows or play my video games. Sometimes I have projects I’m trying to get done or obligations to meet. Other times it’s just stupid stuff. Jen will head up to bed, while asking me to get something done, like switching the laundry (which may still be washing), or doing the dishes. Left having to do these things, I’ll often end up not bothering coming up. The same can happen even if all I have to do is feed the cat before I come up. Going to bed rarely feels like a mutual arrangement. Even if I follow, it’s me following; not us going together.

The other things I have to work on are my bad habits, such as constantly checking facebook / twitter / hacker news / etc. when I’m restless. Also, my insecurities. It’s frustrating when they get in the way when I want to do something productive, like practice the guitar. It seems whenever I go to do that, I maybe end up playing some song I’ve downloaded the notes to. What I don’t do is really practice scales, play around with them, and try to learn to do stuff on my own. It doesn’t seem it should be that hard to get familiar with them and be able to mess around, getting a feeling for how they work and how they fit into stuff, but I always seem to defeat myself before I begin, thinking of how little I know and how poor I am at practicing. This’ll be a good thing to talk about next time I have one-on-one therapy.

2016-03-01 Tue 09:18

Feeling angry and frustrated this morning.

Part of what bugs me about a requirement of abstinence is it feels like sexual repression, which I would argue is the source of all this bullshit in the first place. If sexuality weren’t a taboo subject, presented as something to have to hide, keep out of public discourse, and be ashamed about, I don’t think it would be the isolating, secretive problem it has become. It feels like treating the illness with its cause.

Now, I’m just in a pissy mood about everything, and it’s sure to affect my work day. I need to get this anger out somehow, and figure out what to do next.

2016-03-01 Tue 09:56

Being asked to support a weekend software release on Sunday morning is not exactly going to improve my mood, either.

2016-06-03 Fri 00:11

I’m forcing myself to get a journal entry in.

I masturbated tonight. I performed autofellatio (or attempted to) on the sofa. It started off as sneaking some porn on my phone. Then, as Jen headed up to bed, after a bit of time it started escalating. I played with myself a bit, found more porn, then went full tilt. Only afterwards, as I cleaned myself off, did the thought shine through with some clarity that I was only using myself to get off.

I’ve been grappling with myself this past week with my sexuality, as my porn habits shifted again towards trannies and men ejaculating. It felt genuinely like I wanted to experience gratifying another man. That is the fantasy that took hold strongly tonight, as I attempted to satisfy this desire alone. When I finished, the first thing to enter my mind was “You didn’t stop. You knew what was going to happen, but you didn’t stop.”, followed by, “It was you that wanted to cum, that was all it was”.

So, now shame has set in, and I’ve got to get myself up to bed. I’ll have plenty to talk about tomorrow at therapy.

2016-06-03 Fri 00:20

One bad habit deserves another; I’m taking in an episode of Archer while I wind down before heading up.

2016-07-15 Fri 09:24

Not having a good morning. Feeling really out of sorts. Haven’t really had any intimacy with Jen for a while now, physically or emotionally. We’ve barely even spoken to each other. Last night’s conversations were pretty much just:

• Hi
• Dinner’s ready
• “Did you hear back from the Doctor?” “No.”
• I’m pretty sure we haven’t seen this episode of comedians getting coffee with Jon Stewart
• I’m watching the new Mr Robot episodes

Jen spent the evening playing WoW again, and I ended up playing more Borderlands. She got up and went to bed without even a good-night.

This morning, Jen asks me to get clothes from the basement. I head down, and don’t see anything dry. There’s something in the washing machine. I tell her nothing’s ready, she tells me “I asked you to switch the clothes. You said yes. I’ll have to wash them again.” I definitely don’t remember that happening, so now I’m frustrated because she feels I blew her off though I didn’t intend to or even know I had, and I’m also frustrated that I apparently missed an opportunity to help her out. I have no idea how she’s even coping these days; it doesn’t seem like her to keep to herself like this. The few times I try to ask her how she is, or bring anything up, I get only short, sometimes one-word answers, and that’s that. This stuff bothers me to the point that some mornings I can’t get focused on basic stuff, let alone do my job, so I can’t begin to imagine what she’s going through right now. I want to be there for her, and I need her to be there for me too. Instead, we’re isolated. I’m feeling scared, and I’m feeling alone.

2016-07-19 Tue 08:06

This is a really tough week. Mom has been great; we watched Inside Out last night after i got home from my meeting. Group was good, I spent a lot of time just talking through my feelings. It hurts to be unable to talk to Jen about this stuff, but it’s likely my failure to do so before that’s gotten me here. Not knowing what she’s going through or what she’s thinking right now is tearing me apart. I’m out here in the dark, waiting for,… what? Judgement? Or just a really hard, lengthy conversation about a series of painful topics. Will she reject me outright? Will we share our wants and needs and find them to be irreconcilable? There’s so many things running through my head.

Will Jen even want to try to have another child? I still want to have our own child together. It might not be practical, or even possible. I guess I just really want the joy of creating life together, and seeing ourselves in it. I don’t know if that’ll ever happen, or if she wants that at all.

She’s still concerned that I’m hiding things from her. Maybe I am, if not the things she’s worried about. I’m not sharing my progress in group with her – I almost never talk about what I’m going through at home. I don’t know if that’s because I don’t think she wants to hear about it, or if I’m afraid it’ll bring up uncomfortable topics, or if I’m just incapable still of having such an open, vulnerable conversation with her. I’ve been working very hard over the past year or so at not having secrets anymore. Really, the worst I’ve done is masturbating and occasionally wearing a pair of panties (usually, because I’m nearly or completely out of clean underpants).

The crossdressing is another thing. I do still have urges to. Not to dress up for anyone else, but because I just miss it. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel attractive in my own skin? Maybe I just love the variety involved, or I’m tired of wearing drab colors and the same old stuff every day. It’s not surprising that my favorite “normal” clothes are the more colorful, good-fitting shirts I have, and the occasional outlandish underarmor stuff. Maybe I just need more of that, and to be more comfortable with myself. It’s not as though I’m particularly feminine-looking. I just do a terrible job at taking care of myself as a guy. I just don’t know how to put myself together and feel good about it. I rarely feel desirable as a man. Sometimes, crossdressing (when I put good effort into it) fills that need. And not even the slutty stuff either (which, frankly, I could live without). I just want to look good.

I still don’t know how I’ll cope with Jen’s lack of libido. It doesn’t help my insecurities to have a partner that has little interest in sex. I want to believe that she does find me attractive. I believe her in my head at least, but I just don’t feel it. And I don’t know what to do with all my sexual tension. These days, I just masturbate it away, and don’t let it drive me to doing something stupider. I’ll never allow myself to do something to hurt her again. It’s just another uncomfortable topic I never want to bring up. I feel like I make her guilty every time I say I’m having trouble coping. It’s not like she can do anything about it.

My communication has been improving vastly in group lately. I really need to bring that home more. I just hope I get a chance to.

2016-07-19 Tue 22:34

Today started off okay. I took my time a little too much this morning, but that’s kind of normal. Work went pretty well, too. Jen sent me an email with details she got from the doctor. We at least know what happened, and that it wasn’t anything we did wrong, or was physically wrong with us… it was just bad luck, i guess.

I met dad for dinner after work at Plaza Azteca. As I parked, I got a call from Jen. She needed some help with her computer; her disk was full, and wanted to know how to get things running off the larger drive on her laptop, saying I’m the only one she trusts with this sort of thing. Dinner was good. Dad and I talked a good bit. I’m really glad we did. We don’t talk like that very often. Afterwards, I headed back towards Mom’s house.

Mom was still finishing up at the karate school, so I stopped by Barnes & Noble and picked up a few new manga to read. When I pulled up at the house, I got a call from Grandmom. She wanted to tell me she was sad to hear what was going on, and insisted that I go back to Jen and insist on staying, for both our sake. I kind of tried that on Friday, but Jen was very clear that she needed time alone, so I ended up leaving. I don’t know if I should try again, at least not now.

I got a couple texts from guys from group, and sent Jen a text just to ask whether the computer stuff got sorted out. She responded pretty quickly to let me know she just ended up completely reinstalling WoW. Then, I texted her asking her how she was doing, telling her that dad and grandmom both sent their love, and that I love and miss her a lot too. That was two hours ago; I haven’t heard back.

I’m feeling terrible again, now. I just don’t know what I should be doing. Should I let her have her space? Am I making this harder on her by asking how she is? I have no idea if she wants to hear from me or not, or if knowing how much I love her and how hard this is for me is helping or hurting her. All I know for sure is this is killing me. It’s so goddamned hard not to just go out the door, drive to the house, and see for myself which it is. I can’t stand being away from her like this. I can’t stand not knowing. I hate being stuck here, wondering. It hurts so damned much…

I’m feeling very emotional right now, I’m feeling hurt, and I’m feeling kind of sick to my stomach. For now, I think I’m just going to wrap up this journal entry, and try to get some rest. I don’t have it in me to go there and find out the worst. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better somehow.

As a bonus, since I left my charger at the house, my watch will be dead by the time I wake up. So, I guess there’s that too. Just another reminder…

2016-07-20 Wed 08:27

I can’t keep this up. I desperately need us to talk. We don’t have to resolve anything just yet. I might even be able to tolerate giving her some more space, but only if we can communicate. This silence is tearing me apart.

2016-07-20 Wed 11:56

I’m cursing every notification that reaches my phone that isn’t Jen reaching out. How am I even working right now.

2016-07-20 Wed 17:00

Jason’s in a bad way too… his wife has a very serious case of endometriosis, and the two of them will be likely be dealing with that for a while. It seems we may find ourselves supporting each other through some rough stuff.

2016-07-20 Wed 18:10

What the hell am I supposed to do right now. I feel like I need to get ahold of Jen, and get us communicating again, but I really don’t know what I should say. I’m stuck here until Mom finishes with her karate class, so I guess I’ll try drafting an email.

2016-07-20 Wed 19:34

I drafted up an email, but I havent sent it yet:

I can’t keep this up. I’ve been trying to let you have your space like you wanted, but it’s torture knowing you’re going through all this stuff alone. It physically hurts; I don’t even know if you’re ok.

Isolating can be comfortable, but it doesn’t solve anything. God knows it’s only made things worse when I’ve done it. When I’m feeling depressed, or angry, or frustrated, my thoughts can get a life of their own, and I’ll get stuck focusing on all the wrong things, and make up explanations in my head for why things won’t get any better. The more that happens, the more depressed and angry I get. That’s part of what having my weekly group helps with: it gives me a place to air those thoughts, get some support, and get back to reality. It’s been my hope that as I get better at expressing myself and my feelings there, that I could finally get better at opening up more with you. I don’t want to merely not have secrets from you; I want to share everything with you. Right now, I’m facing the possibility that I may never get the chance. I’m really hoping that’s me imagining the worst possible outcome, but like anything in my head, there’s plenty of reasons for me to believe it’s true.

I feel very strongly that we need to be talking all of this through together, and not hashing it out alone. I’ve given you time, because I can’t say what the right thing for you is, and I want you to have everything you need to get through all of this, but I really can’t bear it much longer. I’m not saying we need to get together and resolve everything right now, but I really need us to be communicating. I feel like if I keep staying away, I’m giving up on us, and failing to be with you when I feel we need each other the most. I love you more than I can ever hope to describe, and being shut out is causing me more pain than I’ve ever felt. I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am that I’ve done the same (and worse) to you.

I know it may be irrational, but I’m scared to death right now that if we don’t start talking soon, we never will. Please let me back in. Please let me help you.

I texted Jim to get his opinion. He’s recommending that I try not to focus on how I’m feeling, but to try to limit to just saying that I love her, and that I miss her. I understand what he’s saying, and it does make sense. I don’t know if it’ll be enough, but it’s probably a better start, at least.

2016-07-21 Thu 09:25

Well, I somehow made it to Thursday. It’s nearly 37 hours since I even got a text from Jen. I cannot stop thinking about her. I can’t stop thinking that I should be there for her now, because she’s probably going through some terrible depression and needs someone by her side. I also can’t stop thinking that I can’t be there now, because she’s probably hurt from all the betrayal and frustration I’ve caused her. No matter what I want to do, every option seems wrong. Here’s to another day of tearing myself apart on this.

2016-07-21 Thu 17:44

Not feeling great at the moment, but somehow calmer today. Maybe I’m just succeeding at numbing myself with work, but it’s still a change. Off to see Dr. Shelley at 6:30… I wonder how I’ll feel after. I kind of want to talk to Jen’s dad again, if only to know if they’ve been in touch, and to talk through some of the hurt with him as well. He does know the whole story, after all, so he’s one of the only people that could possibly understand both the pain of betrayal she’s experiencing as well as the pain of the miscarriage. In any case, he’s offered a sympathetic ear, and I’d be a fool not to take him up on it.

2016-07-23 Sat 19:01

Saw Jen today. It went well, I think. She’s still not ready for me to come home yet, though. We talked a while. She has been talking to Jean and Roseann, which is good to hear. I’m glad she’s not trying to get through this alone. She’s also been talking to some folks on WoW, including a guy around our age who went through a divorce. I was able to tell her how I’ve been feeling, and that I’m trying to be better for us and for myself. It was a bit hard to hear, but she told me this week hasn’t been hard for her. She has been missing me, though. She says she misses her best friend. It just doesn’t seem that right now a best friend is enough. I told her not to worry about me – my feelings and my failures aren’t hers to fix. I only want what’s best for her, whatever that ends up being. I may not like her decision, but if what she chooses is what’s right for her, I’ll get over it someday. She doesn’t know what she needs right now, and she needs more time to figure things out, possibly a month. We agreed to check in with each other, in the meantime. I hope that we get a chance to start fresh. I miss my best friend, too.

2016-07-24 Sun 01:42

Enjoying the new chromebook I picked up today after talking with Jen. She was ok with me getting it; letting her know my conference trip is going to be reimbursed probably helped. It’s nice having something with actual battery life that I can run emacs on and do some light programming / journalling with.

I hope Jen found our talk as productive as I did. It felt good talking through everything with her. I want to continue having honest, meaningful conversations like that with her. It’s a bit frustrating that she may want to spend a month apart. I understand where she’s coming from, but that’s a long time. Maybe if we keep in touch and things go well, all that time may not be necessary, or it’ll at least be easier to cope while it is. She has a very valid point that I may perhaps want to “get stuff out of my system”,… but I’m not sure I do, and I can’t imagine giving her up to do it.

2016-07-24 Sun 12:44

Feeling… discarded.

2016-07-24 Sun 13:01

Re-reading old journal entries isn’t making me feel much better, though they do show progress. That’s a good thing to take away from it. I should be getting out of bed and eating something. shrug.

2016-07-24 Sun 23:54

No updates from Jen today, not that I can think of much that would’ve changed so soon. I’m hoping that she comes around quicker than a month, as if me laying everything bare yesterday would’ve changed anything. I doubt it, though. It still hurts that she said it wasn’t really hard for her to spend a week apart.

Today was just a wash for me. I didn’t do anything, nor did I have much motivation to. I just want the week to be over already so that maybe I have another chance to see her. I guess I’ll just have to look forward to group tomorrow night. The name of the game is “one day at a time”, but to be honest,… these are long, excruciating days.

2016-07-26 Tue 08:13

Had a good meeting last night. We’ve got another new member, a gay guy whose constant acting out is putting himself at risk, and harming his relationship with his husband. Sydney also admitted last night that his acting out involves men as well. All in all, I’m feeling less alone now that I know there are other folks in the group that can relate more directly with what I’m dealing with in that regard.

Monday didn’t go badly, but I was definitely not 100% at work. I seem to have gone from feeling hurt, to just feeling … down. I did get a text from Jen as my group was finishing up asking if I wanted to meet her at the Cheesecake Factory for lunch on Saturday, so that picked me up a bit. I’ve got it in my head now that it’s a long overdue date. I want to see if I can use it as an opportunity to start fresh (at least, a little), and have a good time, as well as catching up and talking about other stuff if she’s up to it. I’m all excited to hang out with my best friend :)

2016-07-27 Wed 02:32

Getting to bed late tonight. Headed up to the bedroom when I got to Mom’s after work so I could sit in the air conditioning, ended up drifting off a bit. Did dinner late (around 10), and ended up staying up getting slides together for tomorrow’s (tonight’s?) XTS. Looking forward to it, as it’ll be our fiftieth meeting. Nothing too special planned, but I’ve got a nice, general topic that’ll be interesting to explore, and provide lots of opportunities to refer back to prior meetings.

Still feeling a bit distracted at work, but I’m getting by. Got my walk in after lunch, and saw Dad as I was heading back towards the office. Turns out he was driving around with a friend/coworker surveying buildings and such for power outages caused by yesterday’s rainstorm. It was a nice surprise, we’ll try to do lunch again sometime soon.

Tried chatting with Phil on Skype this morning, noticed he seemed to be online as I was headed to work, thought I’d send him a message and see if he was around for a call. Unfortunately, he wasn’t. Hopefully I’ll be able to catch up with him soon,… I haven’t talked to him since I told him (belatedly) about the miscarriage, he hasn’t heard about me being out of the house yet. I really should get in touch with Marshall soon too. He’s a good friend, and I’m sure would be good to hang out with.

Still looking forward to Saturday. This week doesn’t seem to be dragging on quite as bad as last week. Seeing Jen again doesn’t feel like an eternity away. That feels good.

2016-07-28 Thu 07:31

I barely felt like making a journal entry, not sure exactly why. Yesterday wasn’t too bad. Jim reached out and we texted a bit. I went out to lunch with Stephanie, I felt I needed to get out and have a nice quiet lunch with a friend. She now knows I haven’t been staying at home,… I wonder what she makes of that. Work’s not going badly, though I still don’t have the drive I think I normally would.

Last night’s XTS went pretty well. It was our fiftieth meeting. I managed to get some slides together, and we had a pretty good discussion about programming abstractions. I think I accomplished what I was aiming for, which was to present different sides of a fairly general topic, which provided opportunities to look back at some of the topics we’ve covered in the past (particularly SICP, which made up the first entire year of the seminar).

It’s nearly time to will myself out of bed, so I guess I better start preparing myself for another day. Saturday can’t come fast enough. I worry a little that I’m just pushing through this without getting much out of it, but it feels like this is all I can do right now. I’m feeling too miserable for any epiphanies right now. I’m too busy trying to remember to take care of my own basic needs… figuring out what to do about my relationship is a bit too high up Maslow’s pyramid for me right now.

2016-07-28 Thu 08:15

My self-esteem is shot. What’s more emasculating than having your wife doing better off without you around. I don’t know how I can even appear worth staying with when I see her this weekend if I just feel like some weight that’s been dragging her down, adding little real value to her life, and having caused her so much anguish.

I haven’t even been masturbating this week, it isn’t even appealing at the moment. It’s not as though anybody even wants sexual contact from me, so what’s there to even fantasize about? I don’t even feel like doing it right now.

2016-07-30 Sat 10:00

Starting the day off doing what I should have done yesterday – taking care of myself and my responsibilities. I woke up early (not as early as I originally intended, but by 7:30, which isn’t bad), and headed over to the house to mow the lawn. I managed to get through the front lawn before it got entirely too hot and muggy to do much else, and also broke down the branch that had fallen in the yard some time ago. Didn’t see Jen, I assume she was still sleeping. Which is just as well, I’d rather not hassle her until we get to meet later today. I also made sure to get myself some food and gatorade before heading over, to make up for napping through dinner like an ass last night.

I’m thinking through how I can get better at taking care of things around the house, and finding a way to do it that won’t require Jen to keep hassling me. I want to get on the ball with this stuff so she doesn’t have to, and provide a nicer forum for talking about what needs to be done rather than waiting for her to get frustrated by stuff. Perhaps a casual version of something not entirely unlike Scrum? It works at work. Even if all we do is set regular times for doing stuff and talking about stuff that has to be done, I think that’d be a great start. I seem to do terribly without some kind of structure; hopefully she can bear with me long enough to get some established. I really don’t think it should be too hard, I just have a bad habit of dropping the ball on things, so I might need some reminding from time to time. Better it be reminding about telling her what I’m doing and plan to be doing, though, than to have it be her frustratedly reminding me of what she needs done.

2016-07-30 Sat 10:12

Just got off the phone with Jen. She thanked me for doing the lawn, and asked if I still wanted to do lunch today. She’s hoping it can be like a date, and not be a serious talk. I kind of wanted that too, though in my head I was thinking it’d be more like a fresh start. Jen brought up how she mentioned last week that maybe I should see other people. Then she said she thought maybe she should too, that if something did happen she didn’t want it to be a surprise, and that she didn’t want to lie about it. I really don’t know how to process that. It hurts like a motherfucker, and now I’ve got a hard lump in my throat. She asked me again if I still wanted to see her, and of course I do, but how am I supposed to deal with this?! I’ve been getting by all this time thinking I need to prepare myself to be better, and be ready to work things out with her and move forward,… but she seems to be drifting further away, and doesn’t even seem to want to talk about it?!

At what point should I get angry? When do I get to have a say in any of this? Do I? A lot of this is my fault, sure, but do I really deserve to continue to be shut out like this? We need to have a serious talk. A date will be nice, but it’s not going to be enough.

2016-07-30 Sat 13:17

That was tough. I got to the Cheesecake Factory early, waited around, and met Jen out front. One of the first things she asked me was how I’ve been doing, which, frankly, I could only answer by saying I’m not sure I should answer it. We had a friendly, but awkward, conversation at the table. At one point, she mentioned she’d be going to California to see some friends for a little bit in September, and said I could stay at the house if I wanted. September. I can barely think about next week. By the time we were ready to get dessert, Jen asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about. And I told her there’s lots I would like to. I told her I wanted to work through this with her, she insisted she still needed time to work on herself. I didn’t eat my cheesecake, she had some of hers. When the check came, I took it. She said “comes from the same place anyway”. I, for some stupid reason, said “for now, I guess”, and immediately regretted it.

When we got outside, we talked a little more. She’s frustrated, and feels like we’re in two very different stages in dealing with our relationship troubles. She told me she’s been dealing with this for years now, and I’m only just getting hit with it now. I told her that felt unfair, since, while I’m not so naive as to think things have been great, I sure didn’t know she was still so miserable. She hasn’t exactly been talking about it. We were trying to have a baby together. I was getting pretty upset at that point. I told her I felt we have so many problems that involve not talking, that not talking more wasn’t going to fix it. I asked her, exasperatedly, if all we were going to do now was stop talking and turn around and walk away from it again. She said “Yeah. Bye.”, turned, and started walking to her car.

I lost it a little. I threw my keys to the ground. Not for any good reason, I just needed to do something, picked them up, and ran to my car, only to collapse in the front seat and cry a bit. Jen went to her car and sat there a while, too. I texted Nick, and ended up talking to him on the phone a bit while I processed what happened. I just couldn’t keep that inside anymore, I was hurting too bad. That was a terrible way to wrap things up, though.

Turned out Jen was texting me from her car while I was on the phone with Nick. I barely had a chance to read them before I noticed she was walking over. We chatted a little more, calmly. I apologized for my outburst, and just let her know that I’m hurting pretty badly, that I want us to be able to talk, that I at least need to know she’s ok, and know what she’s thinking through while I’m out of the loop. I’m not doing so good on my own. I’m not doing anything stupid, I’m just hurting bad. She suggested seeing each other might not be a great idea, but I don’t think I can do without any communication, either. Whether it’s right or not, I can’t help feeling hurt by the suddenness of all this, and while I don’t want her to feel guilty about it, I can’t cope with this and the way it happened. I can’t cope with the one-sidedness of it. I had no idea things were still so bad. From my perspective, we were starting our family. I wasn’t keeping secrets anymore. Things seemed better. And suddenly, we have no baby, I’m out of my house, things are worse than ever before. It feels enormously unfair. And yet, it’s all my fault, isn’t it? Maybe not 100%, but I’m having a terrible time trying not to feel like shit.

I’m glad we at least talked a little more, with clearer heads. Maybe we’ll just email each other for bit, let each other know how we’re doing, and what we’re going through. I hope that’ll work. I’m not ready to lose her.

2016-07-30 Sat 17:27

I just can’t shake the feeling of unfairness. It’s like she has no idea how badly this is really hurting me, or she doesn’t care and feels a need to be selfish anyway.

I feel betrayed. She’s telling me she’s been dealing with this for a long time. She sure as hell wasn’t telling me that. She didn’t tell me she was having second thoughts about us while we were seeing the fertility doctors. It sure as fuck didn’t come up when we got pregnant. We had a baby! We were growing our family. I truly believed we were happy! How fucked up is it, then, to find out after the miscarriage that she thought it was a fucking distraction?! As far as I knew, we were just both having a tough time dealing with the loss. Instead, apparently, she was sitting there thinking about leaving me. And I don’t learn about any of this until she sends me an email asking me to give her space. Not even in the first email, either. She didn’t let on that this was old news until I pressed her on it. Don’t I have a right to be angry? I’m not saying what happened in the past doesn’t matter, or that she doesn’t have a right to be upset about it, but this isn’t the way to go about it. It was wrong for me to keep secrets from her. I hurt her terribly doing so. I’ve been trying to make up for that for so long. Now I find she’s been keeping this pain, and these decisions, to herself. Am I supposed to roll over and say, “ok, I guess it’s your turn”?

I get the feeling she’s just pushing me away. She’s in a lot of pain, I don’t blame her for feeling awful. But is everything so irreparable? What makes her think the whole marriage is her problem alone, to keep to herself, and run away with?

We can’t go on this way. I can’t take it. The only reason we’re so far apart on this is that she wasn’t sharing this with me. How was I supposed to know… surely she wouldn’t have been trying to have a kid with me if she wasn’t feeling more comfortable with me? I thought she saw the work I was doing on myself, that I was being more open and honest with her, and that the fact that we were trying to make a family again was proof that we were moving on. But she was hiding all of this from me, and now I’m supposed to give her space, while she does her own thing, avoiding dealing with me altogether. And because she’s bringing up so much of the past, I’m the asshole for trying to get her to stop this and talk to me. So here I am, venting into a journal, instead of being with my wife, trying to get the anger out so I can maybe send her an email that won’t just end everything right now.

2016-07-30 Sat 20:35

Just sitting here, in the bed, in the air conditioning, hoping Jen replies to my email. Or anything. Nothing better to do, apparently, than sit here, listen to music, feel awful, and watch her facebook status blip from online, to offline, count up a bunch of minutes since last login, blip online again, and repeat. This can’t be healthy, but what else do I have to do.

2016-07-31 Sun 01:12

Can’t sleep, haven’t eaten since lunch. Still, all I can think about is how long Jen’s been keeping these feelings from me. I don’t know if I can deal with it any longer. It feels like she’s already had her months of being selfish, and this is just a new extreme to it that I can’t bear any longer.

2016-07-31 Sun 18:19

Went back and forth with Jen over email this morning. I pushed her a bit, and she balked, but not before I was able to put my feelings out there. Plus, she says she called a therapist, so that’s a good sign, at least. She’s still far too cavalier about how long she thinks this will last… she said she’s glad I have my conference coming up to get me out of the house. That’s more than two weeks away. I told her I can only handle this a day at a time. It’s like when she mentioned being away in September yesterday,… does she not realize what she’s doing? I hope she comes to her senses, and at least start taking my feelings into account. She’s doing this to us. Sure, I hurt her before. But this, this is all her. She decided this. She kicked me out of the house. We didn’t decide to take a break together, she decided on her own that this would happen, and she forced me out. She can’t expect me to be patient right now.

I’m not going over there yet, because I don’t want to scare her away,… but it really will be one day at a time, and one of these days, I may not have any patience left. I hope she opens up to me before that happens. I don’t want to lose her, but she’s taking herself away from me.

Had a good day once the emails were out of the way. They weren’t bad; I’m glad we’re having conversations. I’ll try to keep that going. I got out of the house to see Maggie, Chris and the girls. They were down in the city for the Eagle’s training program, so I met up with them afterwards in Plymouth Meeting. We went to Pudges for some cheesesteaks, then wandered around a nearby church parking lot to catch some pokemon. Afterwards, we got some frozen yogurt at Menchis. It was a fun time. Maggie’s been very supportive, and it was great hanging out with the girls. Got a nice photo out of it too :)

I was starting to get angry and resentful on the drive back. I sent a text to Marshall, hopefully we’ll get together sometime soon. Chilled out downstairs with Mom, eating my leftovers from the Cheesecake Factory now. I think I’ll try and make the 7:30 SLAA meeting in Lafayette hill tonight… I’ll only feel miserable if I just sit here alone.

2016-07-31 Sun 23:15

The meeting was good. I got to see a few of the regular Monday night guys, and share a bit on what I’ve been going through. I was glad to be there, and not sitting here feeling miserable, staring at facebook and my inbox, waiting for some kind of message that won’t come. Even now, I see a facebook notification, hope it’s from Jen, and get disappointed when it’s not. I can’t seem to help checking, though. It’s not good for my mental well-being, but I’m craving any kind of contact from her, however banal. Even a simple “like” on my photo with the girls would be a tremendous boost right now. Now I’m dwelling on it again,… so… I did hear back from Marshall. We’ll be getting together on Tuesday, so that’ll be good. The more plans I’m able to make, and the more I’m out of the house and out of my head, the better. I’m just trying to distract myself, I know, but there isn’t much else I can do. Besides, being with friends and being able to talk to them is very different from, say, burying myself in a game. It’s a lot healthier. I sent Jen an email when I got back just to check in, and tell her how my day went. I want to try and do that much every day. Maybe she’ll respond to it, maybe she won’t – I can’t control that. Maybe she’ll tell me to stop. But maybe, just maybe, she’ll check in too.

Time for sleep, I’ll have to start another work week with this on my mind. I’ll need all the strength I can muster.

2016-08-01 Mon 08:20

I was thinking about Jen last night, and for whatever reason, was remembering how she used to play the Cello. On a whim, I poked on Amazon this morning, and found a Cello music box that, by happy coincidence, plays music from Swan Lake, the last ballet we saw together. I’m having it shipped to the house tomorrow in gift wrap.

Now that I’ve done that, I’m thinking of how disappointed she was in my anniversary gift. I’d written her a new letter this year, because last year I remember her saying it was the nicest thing she’s ever gotten. In retrospect, that was lazy… plus, given everything that’s happened, seeing it now will only cause her pain. I’d like to see if I can make it up to her somehow, maybe try a couple more gifts with that in mind, with a note included explaining that. I want to get her things she loves, that aren’t necessarily anything to do with me. I want to get her things she’ll keep.

2016-08-02 Tue 00:00

I just want to scream out in pain for everyone to hear. Why can’t I just go to sleep, wake up, and have this all be over? I feel like I’ve lost more than half of my life, and I’m just drifting, waiting. Without the home we made. Without my family. I love my mother, but I miss my wife. I miss my pets. I miss my home. And I can’t do a goddamn thing about it but cry.

The pain is with me 24/7. My work is suffering. My friends are helping. Every night I’m alone with it, and I wonder: will tomorrow be the day I fall apart?

I want things to work out. I want to share everything with her. Why is she pushing me away, and why is it all happening now? We’re supposed to be supporting each other through this… it’s so goddamned hard relating to anybody about it. But I don’t get to even deal with it now; I don’t get to do anything. I just have to sit here and wait for an eternity. Does she want me to end this? I can’t. Why can’t I just run to her, hold her, and find a way to get through this with her? That’s what a husband is supposed to do, right? She’s told me to before. So why isn’t that an option now? Why do I have to sit here doing nothing, like she’s always hated me doing before? She wishes I took control more? But when I try to now, she threatens to give up and run away? Why does she get a free pass to isolate and hide and shut me out? Is this some kind of revenge? It feels like it. It feels like belated punishment.

But I don’t get to be angry, no, that’ll only push her away. I don’t get to be upset, that just makes her feel guilty. I don’t get to do anything at all?

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!

Am I supposed to want this time? I have no use for it. I don’t need to experiment, or mess around. I don’t need space. I need my wife. This separation is bullshit. We never agreed to this. I never said, “OK, let’s try this for a while”. We’re married, our problems aren’t our own. My problems are our problems. I respect that, and I’m working hard to be a better man, so I don’t feel like a broken, useless mess. I brought a lot of mess into this marriage, and it’s a mess I want to leave behind. If our marriage is going to end because of my mess, fine. I’m still cleaning it up, and I can be proud of that, because I’m doing my part. I finally had the courage to face it head on. Jen’s flipped the table and kicked me out. She doesn’t want me to see her mess, and that hardly seems fair. If it were just me, I could understand that. But I don’t think it is. I think she’s hurt. I think she feels incapable of giving us a child. I think she feels incapable of keeping me happy physically. I think she takes too much on alone, and I think she’s exhausted herself. I think she thinks this whole marriage, and all of its problems, are all on her shoulders. Could I do more? Yes. Have I been any good at it? No. But I can get better at it. I’m getting better at taking care of myself. I have been getting better at taking care of her, I think. We got pregnant together. Twice! And I was there for her through it the whole way through. She was sick on our anniversary cruise, and probably felt like a burden that was ruining our vacation, but the truth is I couldn’t have been happier to take care of her. Any chance to make her feel better, to make her smile, or even just to get her what she needs,… that’s the most precious time I can spend with her. I want to be by her side, through the good and the bad.

When we lost our baby, it hurt more than anything has ever hurt before. I’ve never cried like that in front of her before. The me a year ago might not have been able to. I hurt so bad… and I could tell Jen was hurt too. She was holding it in just as hard as I was, those few weeks after it happened. Neither of us wanted to do anything. If I’d had the strength to get the house in order, would she have still kicked me out? Was she just waiting for me to do something that whole time? I thought we were just taking a rest from life for a while, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe Jen really was tired of me. Maybe the miscarriage wasn’t about loss to her, so much as it was about what little good she saw left for us fall away, and those last few weeks were my last chance to redeem myself in her eyes. And in my unfathomable pain, my old tried-and-true selfish inward focus, I failed her. I could have done so much better. I wanted nothing more than to give her everything she could possibly need at that time in our lives, but I took a breather first, and that was a massive mistake.

The guys at group would probably tell me this is where I’m beating myself up, that I did all I could do, because I was hurting too bad to see what I could’ve been doing. That I shouldn’t expect to be that perfect, idealized, 20/20 hindsight version of myself. And they’re probably right. They’d tell me that I’m wiser now, that I can see what I missed now because I’m getting better. And that’s all very nice, and I’d love to hear them say it, but it’d be little consolation. What’s happened, happened. I’m here at my mothers, now. For the forseable future, this is where I’ll continue to be. I used to have a future with a child, a happy wife, and an ever-improving relationship with newfound trust and communication. Instead, I have a life in tatters, and a future I can’t see into any further than whenever I finally close my eyes tonight.

Tomorrow could bring anything. Jen might call, say she wants to talk. She email me to say she’s leaving. She might not do anything at all. But I don’t have the strength to look that far ahead. I can barely cope with the present. Waiting and wondering tear me apart, it’s actually physically painful. I really do have to wonder if I’m just going to break down at some point. Thank god that’s just one little possibility off in the future, and not right now. Now is hard enough.

Now is hard enough.

2016-08-03 Wed 00:37

Today turned out better than I thought it would. I was still in a depressed mood this morning, and ended up heading into work a bit late, got there a little after 9:30. Today was a planning day, and there wasn’t much to wrangle there. I had a massage session at 11 that I somehow managed to remember to sign up for a week or two ago, and that was a nice treat for myself. We had a follow-up planning meeting scheduled for 1, and a dev lunch and learn meeting, but Angie was kind enough to postpone our meeting till 1:30, and Jason and I headed off to get wraps at Saladworks and spend time in a nearby park for a bit for a stroll and some Pokemon Go. He did say something as we were heading out for lunch that stuck with me,… that I may want to avoid being out of the house for too long lest it become a legal issue I wouldn’t want to contend with. I’m not clear on what that means, exactly, but it stuck in my head a bit as I drove to Iron Abbey to meet Marshall. I looked at some articles about legal separations and divorces, and got myself a bit scared about what might happen, and whether I might be the one to make things ugly in the long run given the way this whole thing came to be.

Dinner with Marshall was great. While I was waiting for him to get there, still a bit rattled, I texted Jen to let her know I was having a rough day and that I loved her. I really just hoped to get an “I love you too” text back. Instead, as I moved to the bar to wait, she actually called me to check in. She didn’t actually say the words “I love you”, but the fact that she called made me feel so much better in itself. If nothing else, it was reassuring that if I need to talk, I don’t need to wait till Saturday to do it.

Marshall and I talked for a good long while. I shared with him pretty much my whole story, from cheating with Jen online to the miscarriage and separation. The only details I omitted were the crossdressing and that I was talking to men. He was very understanding, and shared with me some of his own history with cheating, as well as difficulties with work and losing his mother. He confided in me that he’s talked to a therapist recently for the first time to have someone to talk to about how miserable he’s been with work lately. It was a really good time, and I’m glad we finally got together and hung out. I hope we will again sometime soon.

Once I got home, I spent a lot of time talking with Mom, about a lot of things. It probably didn’t hurt that I still had some alcohol in my system. I talked a lot about how I’m feeling lately, how things have been going with group, a bit about psychotherapy, and my relationships with her and Dad. I talked about how much I appreciate how she used to talk to me as she was tucking me in, and about living with dad, lying to him about the phone bill, coming clean to her, and sneaking Dave’s porn which led to that fiasco. We talked about dad, and grandmom, and how grandpop used to have problems. We talked about how Dad dealt with things, how we talked when he had his surgery, how we talked on Tuesday, and what each of our father-son relationships were like. We also talked about stuff on Mom’s side. In particular, the serenity prayer, and how I remember growing up with it, and how it’s ingrained in my mind. We talked about how her father had it taped on a corkboard by the kitchen phone, even though he barely ever used the thing. She wonders (but was unable to ask him) if it was there because he was trying to get sober (possibly because, as part of being sick, he really couldn’t drink anymore). We talked about how mom cross-stitched the prayer for him while Maggie and I were very young, and later got it and kept it in our house growing up after he died in ’86. That’s the same cross-stitch I remember seeing so often as a kid. It’s been a big part of my life. I remember reading it often, and taking it to heart. I’ve always made a point at not worrying about what I couldn’t do anything about, it just made sense. It’s probably why I’m so easy-going, I let a lot of stuff go.

It’s cool to think that recovery has been a part of my life for so long. I avoided external addictions so well, only to have one turn up inside of my head. Now, I’m more aware than ever of the effects the different issues in my family have affected all of us, and now recovery is a central part of my own life. It’s all somehow, in a weird way, come full circle on me. It helped me then, and it’s helping me to grow now.

Tonight was a good night. Tomorrow will be a brand new day.

2016-08-04 Thu 08:25

Yesterday wasn’t a bad day. Spent all day at work coding some Erlang to actually deal with BroadWorks CDRs. Definitely wasn’t going full steam, but I was doing what I could, and it was going fairly well. Perhaps if I were in a better place, I’d have been able to finish it in one sitting, but I’m going to need today to wrap it up.

Didn’t hang out with anyone after work. Stopped at the adult store, which I probably shouldn’t have, and bought a prostate massager, which I probably shouldn’t have. Oh well.

Pretty much just relaxed all evening, in a good way at least. Watched some Archer, watched some more episodes of Yowamushi Pedal. Wasn’t feeling sad or beating myself up, just unwinding.

I can feel some of it coming back this morning. Was thinking in the shower about my cheating. Even without the actual physical cheating, which I avoided as some kind of magical line that’d make it bad, break the fantasy, and probably get me hurt, that part of it is the least of it. It was everything else: the lying, the secrets, all the focusing on me instead of paying attention to my marriage and the struggles Jen faces every day. So much blind selfishness, breaking the critical trust our relationship needed, and making her feel like a fool that couldn’t possibly be enough for me anyway.

I can’t believe I had it in me to hurt someone so badly.

So, here we go. Another day of kicking my own ass. It’d be easier to stop if I hadn’t earned it.

2016-08-04 Thu 22:34

Jen texted me this morning as I was driving in to say “Have a good day at work”. It feels great to hear from her, even if it’s just that. Work wasn’t bad. I can tell the guys on my old team are having a terrible time with the BroadWorks project. Tom and Jason seem to be at their limit dealing with the timeboxes and nonsense surrounding it.

Had a nice dinner after work with Stephanie. Went to “From The Boot” and had some nice italian. Feeling lucky to have good friends.

Getting late, and I’m starting to miss Jen pretty badly again, so I’m going to watch some anime and try to get to sleep. I have an appointment with Dr. Shelley again tomorrow, and afterwards I’ll be heading to Dad’s for dinner and to stay the night there. I’m really hoping for some good news this weekend. I have no plans to see Jen, so I’m stuck hoping she’ll reach out. Lunch last week was a little messy, but the emails after seemed to be good. I really hope she’ll want to talk again soon. I’m getting by, but it’s not getting any easier. I’m not looking forward to leaving for my conference without resolving something, though if she decides to leave me… well… shit. Now I wish I hadn’t even thought of that.

2016-08-05 Fri 08:21

Feeling a bit raw this morning. I hope Jen and I have a real conversation soon,… I’m really hurting.

2016-08-05 Fri 10:10

This morning’s email I pulled over on the way to work to read wasn’t what I had in mind. I’ve got to get it out of my head for now; I can’t deal with her indecisiveness now. I can barely even work. I’ve just got to get through the day; I’ll be seeing Dr. Shelley in the afternoon, I can deal with it then.

2016-08-05 Fri 14:21

I was going to respond to Jen’s email after my therapy session, but I did it after lunch instead. I hope I was able to communicate clearly to her in a way that won’t make things crazier. I just want to be back together with her so bad.

2016-08-05 Fri 16:03

My ability to focus on work has been completely wrecked. Got a walk in, which was good, but I still can’t focus. I think I’ll just head out now, maybe call someone from the car.

2016-08-07 Sun 13:27

Lots of catching up to do. Therapy on Friday couldn’t come soon enough; the day was just a mess. Angie and Josh B were really supportive, though. Angie took Jason and I out for lunch. Josh offered a place to stay if I needed one.

Stayed with Dad overnight, and that was nice. We talked a lot; he really is a loving dad. Met up with mom at Maggie’s place and hung out there for a while. By the time dinner showed up, though, I was starting to feel lousy again and lost most of my appetite.

I had the plan to mow the back lawn this morning, which meant leaving Maggie’s around 7:30, and heading back to mom’s house alone. I hadn’t even realized she intended to stay the night over there. I felt terrible last night. I worked up the courage, and gave Jen a call, leaving a voicemail that I really needed to talk. She called back, and seemed calm and receptive to talking after I did the lawn.

The lawnmowing went ok. The grass was still pretty wet from the rain yesterday, but it was cool enough to get it done. Jen appeared at the back door with Myles just as I was wiping some sweat off and sitting down to rest a little after finishing. Then, we talked.

2016-08-07 Sun 13:35

I only just remembered this laptop has never been on my home wifi before. Ugh.

Jen and I sat on the sofa and talked for a while. Most of it was me talking to her. I told her how difficult this has been, and how hard I’m trying to pull myself together to make this marriage work. I asked her to talk about why she can’t work through things with me. I got back what she’s been saying – that there’s no trust anymore. That she’s tired of trying to make it work.

We talked about divorce.

It might be the right thing to do in the end. Fixing this will be a hell of a lot of work, it might never work, and it might take too long if it can. There’s so many reasons why this should happen. But I’m not ready to give up yet. She keeps telling me she doesn’t know what she wants. She keeps telling me she thinks maybe we should separate. If there’s any shred of wanting this to work left in her though, I won’t be able to live with myself if I don’t give my all to for us. I just can’t quit yet. I need that hope, and I’m ready to work hard to preserve it.

Jen left me in the house alone, she said she needed to think, and thought I could use some alone time in our home. I’ve been spending time cleaning it. She says she’s been ok, but… I don’t know. The bedroom is a mess of clothes, with a bunch of them piled onto the bed. I can only assume she’s just been shoving them aside to sleep. There’s still laundry lying around, in the bathroom even, that was there from before I left. All the rooms are looking cluttered. It’s not like her to be comfortable with that. She could just not want to deal with it right now, but it seems she’s having a tougher time than she’s letting on.

At least I have some time in my own home to relax a little and feel a bit more at peace. It’s hard to be comfortable in someone elses house. It’s nice having Myles and Zero around, too. Jen might stay somewhere else for the night, but I do still hope she comes home anyway. I want to keep talking. I want to spend time with her. I want to be her husband.

2016-08-08 Mon 08:29

My legs are shaking. My head is spinning. I didn’t sleep great last night; as nice as my own bed and pillow are, it was still empty. Lonely.

I noticed a gap in the wall in the bedroom this morning. I should’ve seen it yesterday. Our pictures, pictures of the two of us from our wedding and from our honeymoon… they weren’t hanging. I found them tucked into the shelf in the TV stand.

Is that her car out there in the dog park parking lot? Is she there, waiting for me to leave? I hope so. I hope she’s here. I wonder if she realizes that even if I’d planned to leave, that the hope of her being here would stop me in my tracks anyway.

I’m nervous as hell. I want to confront her. I don’t want it to be a fight. I just want to see her. I want her to come around, to stop lying to me that she’s doing ok. How could she be? She isn’t that callous. She can’t be. Please let that be her, and please let us be able to work this out.

2016-08-08 Mon 08:46

It wasn’t her. I wish it had been.

2016-08-08 Mon 09:26

I feel terrible. I’d originally planned to work from home, but as I’m feeling physically ill on top of mentally (probably the anxiety at work), I’m just going to take the day off, and hope Jen comes home before I have to decide whether to go to group or keep waiting.

2016-08-08 Mon 15:52

Played a little tales from the borderlands, and ended up napping on the sofa for a few hours. Not having to worry about work took a load off my shoulders today. Doing some more laundry now, and just vacuumed the living and dining rooms, including the chairs that were covered in cat hair, and hung up more of Jen’s clothes. The housework is oddly therapeutic, if I’m not careful, I may get a taste for it. I just want our home to be a welcoming place. If I can do at least that, then maybe…. I don’t know. At least the house is looking nicer, and Jen won’t have to worry about washing anything for a while.

2016-08-08 Mon 21:02

I got honest with Jen. It was a short conversation. It wasn’t even a conversation. I got honest with her, and it got me exactly what I always thought it would. She wants a divorce.

I left, and I got honest with my group. That’s that.

2016-08-08 Mon 22:47

She’s even removed me from Facebook, and changed her name back on there. She sent an email dictating how she thinks this is going to go, and telling me when and how I get to come to our house. She’s shutting me out, and she’s running the show. It doesn’t fucking work that way. She can’t do this. I’m not even prepared to confront her yet. This is not how this can go. FUCK.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

Guess I get to work on myself while she throws herself a “Fuck Correl” parade without me. Great. At least I’ve got a journal to put this into. I still love her, god fucking dammit. I thought she still loved me. Maybe she still does, maybe she doesn’t. I hope to god she comes to her senses and at least handles this civilly.

She doesn’t get to shut me out. Not yet. She doesn’t get that privilege until a divorce is final. Yeah, I fucked up. Great. So now she has a pass to be as ridiculously fucking selfish as she wants. Sure. Why not. We’ve both been selfish in the past. No goddamn reason she can’t keep it going! Fuck!

Here I am feeling miserable, and all the while she’s off having a fit. I hope she’s getting what she wants out of all this. All this had better make her happy. God help us if it doesn’t.

Look at me, still wishing this could work out. What a fucking fool.

I can’t even get mad at her. I’m mad as hell, and sad, and miserable, and so goddamned exhausted with this whole mess. And the only goddamned thing I can think of is if she’s ok, if she’s thinking clearly, and if she’s doing what’s best for her.

All of this because I maintained a lie, hiding a truth that I thought would ruin our marriage. Well, I sure fucking called it, didn’t I. The irony is a rusty knife through my heart. At least I’ve got years of therapy to look forward to. Guess I’ll be doing it alone.

2016-08-09 Tue 15:18

What the fuck. Jen emailed me this morning saying there’s no point in seeing a counselor, that there’s nothing left to repair:

This is no longer a marriage it is a prison - you never gave me the choice to decide if I could get over you cheating - you made that decision for me and I never knew I was living a lie all this time. I am done.

Just before lunch, I got a call back from the marriage counselor, saying she’s available Thursday at 7:30. She keeps on saying no, she won’t change her mind, she wants a divorce right now. I can’t do this. I’m not ready to divorce her yet. It’s too goddamn fast. She only just learned the truth of my cheating yesterday. She hasn’t even had a full day to absorb it yet. She’s hurt, and she’s angry. She has every right to be. But rushing this,… just doesn’t feel right. Even if it’s the right thing to do, ultimately, rushing it doesn’t feel right at all.

I can’t do this without sitting down with her, and talking. I think the counselor is the only viable option now, I don’t think we can talk through things, or even talk about arranging the divorce, without someone to mediate. We’re both hurting bad. I don’t understand why she feels the need to get this over with so fast. I don’t think she’s giving herself the chance to consider if she’ll regret it or not.

She was right, before: we’re not at the same point with this. I still want to fight for us. She just wants out, at least that’s what she keeps saying.

Fuck, Correl. Why are you doing this to me? Haven’t you hurt me enough that you are going to force me to do shit I don’t want to do? I am so tired of this, stop please stop. Just let me go and let me move on. I can’t keep on doing this with you. I don’t love you anymore, is that what you want me to say? Just let me go, this is it. It’s not too fast, you cheated on me over a year ago. This is simply a confirmation that you did something that i had already expected. I don’t want to drag this is on, please please just accept the divorce. I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to talk to you. I will move to the other side of the country if I need to get it through your head that this is over, I don’t want to be married, I don’t want to be with you, I just want it to be over. I have processed it, it’s done. If you don’t let this go you’re only making it worst for yourself. I have been incredibly generous but I could take everything. The house, our things, alimony. You made a lot more money than me last year. Just don’t drag this out.

This just isn’t right. Plus, now, she’s thrown a threat into that one. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I hope to god Thursday goes better. I’ve got to let this go until then. I don’t want this to be ugly. I don’t want this to end in anger. I honestly don’t want this to end at all, but it’s a possibility. There’s no way this will be easy, though. She seems to want it to be easy for her.

If she doesn’t love me anymore, she’ll have her chance to say it.

Fuck. All of this time. All the good. All the wonderful things we had. And they don’t matter for shit. Eight years, gone. She wants to be done with loving me. How am I supposed to live with that. I’m not suicidal, but, goddamn. It’s hard to imagine moving on. I’ll survive, but what’ll be left after? All because I was so fucked up before. It doesn’t matter that I’m changing. It doesn’t matter that I have changed. Nothing matters. I’m better for it, but so what? Even if I forgive myself, which doesn’t seem very likely, I’ll have lost someone I truly loved with all my heart, someone that loved me too. The woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, that I’d do anything for. And it’s ruined. And I ruined it. And she says there’s no hope anymore. She won’t give me any hope. She says it’s over. I don’t get a say.

Thursday’s pretty far off. I need to stop worrying about what’ll happen. I need to focus on work, and I need to focus on myself. Somehow, I have to be ok, just for today.

2016-08-09 Tue 18:35

I’m just feeling exhausted. I got through work, and got some stuff done, so that wasn’t too bad. Kevin’s going to handle XTS tomorrow.

I just feel awful. I feel like Jen’s trying to excise me from her life just like she did to our miscarried baby. She didn’t hesitate at all, she rushed to get it out of her life. At least with that she had the courtesy to ask me (after the fact, of course) whether I was bothered by it. Honestly, I was. It wasn’t even real to me yet, but there wasn’t too much doubt that it was over either. Now she wants me out of her life completely. Because I lied to her. She’s always said she hates liars. Up until I spilled the truth, there was some hope. She was talking about the good things as well as her struggle with not feeling confident that I had told the truth. Now… she doesn’t talk about the good at all. It’s as though it never happened… I’m just a failed relationship that she never wants to look at or think about ever again. I’m out of the house, I’m off her facebook feed. I’m gone. All she needs is her divorce and her marital dilation and evacuation procedure will be complete. Neat and tidy. Maybe she can live with that. I can’t imagine how, but maybe she’d manage. It’s terrible, though. The love wasn’t the lie. The love was truer than any I’ve ever felt. It scared and overwhelmed me sometimes. Because of what I did, I felt undeserving of it. I felt, there’s no way she should love me like this. How could I deserve it? I loved her too, of course. More than I’ve ever loved anything. I wasn’t a great husband all of the time. I’m forgetful, sometimes lazy. Taking control exhausts me, I like laying back and going with the flow, sometimes too much. I wasn’t terrible, though, was I? Did I neglect her that badly? Was my love not sincere in her eyes? She says she never trusted me, even when I was giving her no reason not to. Well, other than holding back that one goddamned terrible truth. Of course I held it back. Could we have worked through it, had I been honest? Who knows. Maybe. But I was convinced, beyond any doubt, that it was a line she said so many times was one she wouldn’t bear being crossed. Telling the truth meant ending my marriage, no questions, no talking, just over. Well… here we are, I guess. She’s dead-set on proving me right.

I wish we could work it out. I really do. But if she won’t…

I can’t think about what happens if she won’t. I can’t. If I do, I’ll fall down a hole I can’t climb back out of.

I’m having a hard enough time as it is. I barely ate lunch. My appetite has been shot for weeks now. It’s a good thing I got my belt from the house on Monday; at this rate I might end up losing weight and needing it.

There’s nothing I can do or say right now. She won’t hear it. I’m honestly surprised I got her to agree to meeting with the counselor. She clearly doesn’t want to, and she’s clearly pissed that I’m pushing her into it. I just have to hold out till Thursday, and see what happens then. So long as nothing else happens until then…

… and there I go again. So many holes to avoid.

I’m not totally crazy, right? This is moving too fast, right? Stephanie agrees, Joseph also thinks that she’s acting out of anger. Everyone’s being gentle with me, telling me not to keep beating myself up for my mistakes. Miranda yelled at me for saying I fucked up. Most everyone else thinks there’s still some hope, some chance for this to work, for us to come together as a couple and come out stronger. I can’t see it for myself yet. It doesn’t seem possible right now. I want it too so badly, but that won’t make it so.

I don’t even think I have a friend in her court. Her dad’s been the most supportive, but he has been pretty quiet the past couple weeks himself. Jen hasn’t seen a therapist yet. I know she hasn’t. She called the same person I did. I don’t think she even wants to deal with any of this, she just wants to shut it away in the past, lock it up, and move on. Did she do that with the miscarriage, too? She was awful silent through that, as well. How much is she holding back? I’m afraid she’s setting herself up for a really bad episode later on, and there’s not a goddamn thing I can do or say to her right now about it.

Maybe she’ll be fine. Maybe she’s as strong as she says, and maybe she has the support she needs. Maybe. I don’t know. If she has her way, I never will. That’s the worst part. She’ll move on, and I’ll never know how she is ever again. The woman I love so much, gone. Lost to me entirely. Could end up ok, could end up meeting a bunch of assholes that treat her terribly. I will never know. And I won’t be able to stop caring, and wondering, and missing her deeply. Because of some awful mistakes.

2016-08-09 Tue 22:09

It hurts so bad… having the one person you love most in the world, who’s had that much love for you in return, tell you she doesn’t even want to see you anymore.

She can’t forgive what I did. She doesn’t want to forgive me. I can’t cope with this. I don’t want to hurt myself or anything, but I think about it. I thought about hitting the gas going down Mill Rd and crashing hard into the trunk of her parked car, or hitting one of the poles in front of the house. I toyed with the idea of going up onto our roof to fix the flashing that fell off the side, the one I couldn’t reach because I was convinced I’d fall. I won’t do that, that would be the ultimate selfish act, to hurt her, because she does still care for me (I have to at least believe that), and to end up hurting everyone else I love. I won’t ever do that. But the pain I’m feeling, my inability to forgive myself… that’s how I hurt myself. And I kick ass at kicking my own ass. I feel miserable, and I only want myself to feel worse. I want us back together, but that seems like a fairytale, a far-off fantasy. Instead, I tell myself she’ll just keep hating me. That I deserve her hate. That I deserve to hate myself for what I did, and what it did to our relationship. That I ruined the best thing I ever had. And I really did ruin it. It was so great, and it’s gone now, and it’s all because of me. While she’d probably care if I cut myself, or smashed myself up, or whatever, I don’t think she cares if I’m tearing myself apart from the inside out. I think she thinks I’m selfish for feeling so sad and miserable, that I’m moping because I got caught, that I should feel like shit because I made her feel like shit. That I should hurt like she hurts. That I deserve all this to end, and I deserve to feel this way forever.

She’s told me I should move on, that she should just leave me so I can get over it and heal, but how can I do that? Do I need her to appear as some kind of heartless bitch? I can never do that, she’s the love of my life. She was never out to hurt me, and I hurt her anyway. I’m the heartless monster.

The guys tell me I’m a good guy. That I deserve love, and that I deserve to love myself. I really appreciate them saying that. They know my whole story, and they still say that. I really, really wish I could believe them. I want to. But if Jen can’t love and forgive me, how can I? She’s always been better at loving me than I have. If she can’t… how can I?

2016-08-10 Wed 13:12

Feeling like an emotional tire fire this morning

Today’s daily tarot is Death. Not sure what it really means. Could be the end of our marriage. Could be the end of a life based on lies. Could be both, since the latter isn’t exactly much of an option.

I keep tearing myself apart emotionally. I wonder if that means I’m not keeping my promise to Jen not to hurt myself. Enough psychological trauma is surely going to have physical consequences, beyond just feeling like I have to throw up most of the time (which has been the last few weeks). Last night I had a completely involuntary quiver going on in my lips. Probably not a sign of health. I took it as a sign I probably need another good cry, but one didn’t come. It’s there, I know it is. It needs to come out. Pity I feel selfish for feeling hurt right now. Why should I be sad? I’m the monster here, right? I shouldn’t be thinking that way, but knowing I shouldn’t doesn’t seem to stop me.

I was thinking on the way in this morning if I should write Jen a farewell letter. I’m sure I’d have a lot to say. It’ll be hard to write without using it as a venue to beat myself up even more, but it could be worthwhile if I can do it right.

I haven’t heard back from her dad, maybe he’s done talking to me. Maybe I should make different plans this weekend. I’m probably not seeing him at this rate. It all comes back to Thursday. Whatever happens Thursday night, it’ll likely affect the rest of my life.

Had a walk at lunch. Took it at 12:15, without having eaten first. Took some mucinex in case part of my nausea is my allergies acting up, which is probably true. Hasn’t helped much, I just got back sweaty around 12:50. My leftovers are still in front of me, untouched. I should eat. Not sure why, but I just don’t see the point right now. Better force something down anyway.

2016-08-10 Wed 18:27

I never thought I’d feel so bad about being unfriended on Facebook. With most of the people on there, I could care less about their banal updates, but Jen… I loved seeing every little thing she was interested in or passionate about. Everything either of us posted there could be a conversation topic later on. We could use it to communicate any time. All the reasons, I guess, most people like Facebook. Not me. Jen’s the one person I care about enough to want to see all that, and want to interact with like that.

Now that window is shut. I can’t see what she’s up to, or how she’s feeling. I can’t see what video or joke she found funny today. I loved every little thing. It was such an extension of our intimacy. With our connection severed, she’s just a stranger now. I cant’ believe it hurts this much to not know.

2016-08-10 Wed 21:22

Wow, I really don’t know what to do with myself in the evenings without Jen. I’m so used to just having her around to chat with, or just hang out with. I just keep catching myself peeking at my email, or at Facebook, wanting to interact with someone, but I won’t find her there. So I guess I keep finding myself here, in my journal. I can talk to that, at least. It’s not much for conversation, but it gives me something to do.

I should probably be preparing for my conference next week, but that’s so far away still, I just don’t feel like it. Nothing matters except Thursday night. Tomorrow, after work. Our appointment was moved to 8pm. I don’t know how to prepare for that, so I’m not doing that either. I don’t know what we’ll talk about. Maybe we’ll talk about our feelings. Maybe we’ll make some progress. Maybe Jen will insist we just talk about moving forward with a divorce. Maybe the counselor will help make it more productive anyway. I don’t know what to expect, so I’m just going to be as patient as I can, and wait till we’re there. I can’t think about anything beyond that appointment. Anything could happen there. My life could go in any number of directions. I don’t know who I’ll be after, or what my priorities will be. I don’t know, I can’t know, so there’s no point guessing.

Jen’s dad texted me back today. He asked if I’m still available Sunday. No reason to think I won’t. It’s really nice that he’s still willing to meet up and chat. He’s still being supportive of me. I can’t imagine what an awkward position this must put him in. I wonder if Jen’s even filled him in on everything yet. He told me:

You’re a good man who made mistakes…that doesn’t make you a bad person…remember that

I want to believe that. I’m trying to, I think. I don’t know. I’m really bad at it. I’m really good at telling myself I’m terrible. I keep getting all of this support. Not everyone knows what happened, but several do. Phil knows everything. Mom knows everything. Dad and Maggie know everything but the fact that I did it with guys. Miranda, too. Marshall knows a lot of it. The guys from group know everything. All these people are supporting me anyway, telling me I’m a good guy. The more everyone knows and still says that, the more it means to me, but I still can’t seem to tell it to myself. I still feel like if Jen can’t see it, it can’t be true. And I don’t even know for a fact that Jen feels that way. I’m telling myself that too. She could be thinking it, she could be saying it to make this easier, but I don’t know whether she believes it or not. But I think she sees me as a monster. She’s shut me out like I’m some evil, heartless thing that doesn’t belong in her life anymore. How can I feel good about myself despite that? How can I love myself after all I’ve done?

2016-08-10 Wed 21:56

I might watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind again. I watched it last week, and it felt like a fitting sort of relationship-gone-bad movie to mope with. Now, it feels even more real as Jen erases herself from my life as she erases me.

2016-08-11 Thu 08:37

Another morning spent thinking in the shower. A lot. More than I can even perhaps recall to get into here.

I hate that I did what I did so badly. I hate that I felt justified in it as I did it. I hate how I felt afterwards… the realization hit right after I’d done the deed, and all I could do was bury it. The remorse would last for months before it was stuffed deep enough down that I could move on. Even after all that, the fantasies would resurface. I never resolved why I was doing it.

Why did I? Was facing infertility too hard? I was definitely avoiding it. I felt a really strong desire to feel desired. I wanted someone to want me, to want to give me pleasure, to want pleasure from me. I wanted that someone to be Jen. She did, on occasion. But for the most part, there was always something in the way. She wasn’t in the mood. She wouldn’t comment on how I looked without me prompting her. She didn’t want me pleasuring her, arguing that she was too self-conscious. Often when we did have sex, it felt like she was doing it out of some sense of obligation. She wasn’t doing it to take care of me, she was doing it because she thought she needed to. It was almost never about me, or about us, it was just her lying there, inviting me over, and waiting for it to be over. It wasn’t always like that. There were times when it was great. But they were rare. There were times earlier in our relationship when it was fun for both of us. There was that time I met her in Vegas after Sarbani’s bachelorette party, when she was genuinely happy to see me and excited to be with me. Those are the moments I live for.

I crippled her capacity for that kind of love and excitement when I betrayed her. Even as we were trying so hard together to be parents, the sex was always a chore, just some necessary thing we did but didn’t think too hard on, because we never resolved that hurt.

I’m a terrible liar, but I’m an expert at lying by omission. And I never even allowed myself to think on what I’d done to her, and to myself. All that time that I secretly panicked, wondering if I’d done something permanently damaging to myself, wondering if I’d passed something awful on to Jen. Waiting for the results of our barrage of blood tests before we started conceiving, wondering if something would be revealed that’d send everything crashing down around me. all that time I spent not wanting to come clean with Jen, or myself, or even my therapist and support group. Even knowing that nobody there would judge me. And they didn’t. When I told them, I expected shock and maybe even some anger that I’d been lying to them the whole time, but all I saw as I spilled out what I’d done and what I’d kept from them, all there was in that room was love, concern, and compassion. They only wanted to rekindle my lost hope in myself, so that I could move on, whatever moving on might mean. They’re all so supportive. They all want me to feel loved, loveable, redeemable, and hopeful. I keep standing in my own way of that. If Jen could forgive me, would that even help me? Would I be able to forgive me? Maybe that could make it easier, to at least hear from her that she doesn’t hate me completely. But what if she can’t? I still have to keep living, and I have to live with myself. How can I forgive myself? I can’t forgive the things I did. I don’t think I have to forgive the behavior, but can I at least forgive myself? And if so, how?

2016-08-11 Thu 09:03

These feelings we’ve both been holding inside. Her distrust that she didn’t share, and tried to ignore. My justification of her distrust, the shame I kept hidden from her…

Emotions have physical effects. How much I’m hurting emotionally now is mirrored in how I feel physically.

All that pain and distrust and shame and disgust we held inside,… could that have been what killed our babies?

2016-08-11 Thu 10:03

That’s no way to think. I packed my Sadness plush with me, and hugged mom before leaving for work. I told her what was on my mind, and we both cried together. Nothing we did caused this to happen. If it happened for a reason, it’s only because it just wasn’t time for us to be parents yet.

I only have the strength, the tools, and the sanity I have today because I went through all this, and found my path to recovery. I only have the support I have now because I did all that. I have to trust that my mistakes were made for a reason, and that I know what I need to do to avoid them in the future. I need to remind myself that I’m worth something.

I have the strength to get through this.

This will pass.

I deserve to be loved.

I love myself… that’s the hardest one of all. I’ve got to love myself. I have to stop hurting myself. I have to love myself. I’m worth it. I’ve got to know I’m worth it. I’ve made terrible, terrible mistakes, but that’s not who I am. Not anymore. I can get through this. I’m getting better. I have to believe that. I have to.

2016-08-11 Thu 16:27

Jen got the Van Gogh painting I sent her. She texted me:

Please stop sending me gifts no amount of stuff is going to erase the image out of my head of you cheating on me

I will keep the receipt so you can return it if you want

Of course I don’t want that. I didn’t get it for her to make up for cheating. I got that for her because I wanted to get her something nice, something to make up for what I figure was a pretty lackluster anniversary gift. If she’d read my journal like she claimed, she might’ve known that much. I also picked it, and the cello, out to be personalized gifts that represent her, not us. Not me. Not that it matters.

This doesn’t exactly raise my hopes for tonight’s conversation. I should’ve cancelled the goddamn thing before it shipped.

2016-08-11 Thu 18:13

I talked to Jim before I left work today. I thought he’d be able to give me some good advice to prepare for tonight. And he did. It wasn’t easy advice to swallow, but he’s right.

I need to change my mentality before I see her tonight. I’m too worried right now about my own hope, and my own feelings. None of that is going to matter in there. Jen isn’t going to care that I feel bad. It’s not about how I feel. It’s about how she feels. I can’t walk in there thinking I might change her mind, I can’t. It’s not up to me. She’s already decided she wants a divorce, and she’s right to want one.

She’s hurting real bad, and I’m the one that hurt her. I betrayed her trust more deeply than anyone else in the world could have. I hurt her to her core. I don’t get to pretend that this is something she can possibly get over, or that it’s something that can be fixed. Every time she sees me, or anything related to me at all, she’s going to be reminded of how I did this to her. I ruined her marriage. I ran off and did shit with someone else behind her back. I made her feel like she wasn’t good enough, that she’s not a good enough wife or a good enough woman to have a faithful husband. She really has tried. She’s never been anything but loving and understanding. She wanted this to work… I ruined it. She wanted to love me, but I made it hurt too bad to keep doing it. She tried to be closer to me, to be the wife she thought she had to be, and I crushed her. I crushed her. I made her think she’d gone and married a guy who prefers men to her. She married a guy who clearly found her attractive, but still went and did this. How could this possibly be affecting her? How is she even coping with this? I’m surprised she even wants to be in the same room with me, even if it is with a marriage counselor. She surely doesn’t want to fix this, and I’m in no position to blame her. Fixing this means she has to keep living with it, and I created a situation that’s completely unliveable. How selfish would I be to ask her to stay in this marriage, when every single day, every single moment she saw me, would mean reliving that intense, inconceivable pain.

There’s too much trust that needs repair. It’s ludicrous to think she hasn’t tried. She obviously wanted to,… but there really is too much damage to go on living with. What I did was so horrible, so unfair to her. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t mean to, or that I’m sorry, or any of that. It only matters that it happened, and I did it to her. I ruined her dream of having a family. I ruined her dream of marrying a guy who loves her, living in a house together, having children and growing old. I tricked her into thinking she was able to have that, and I fucking ruined it for her. I destroyed the last eight years of her life. I destroyed so much. I can’t even fathom how much she hurts, has hurt, or could possibly keep going.

She is strong, she can do it. I want to help her, but how can I? Jim was right. There’s not really anything I can do.

I can only pray that she gets through this ok, and finds the happiness she deserves. There’s nothing wrong with her, she’s such a wonderful person. None of this is her fault. I just want her to know that, and to try and have the life she deserves.

2016-08-11 Thu 18:37

Jen’s dad texted me. He’d told Jen he’d offered to see me Sunday, and she’s not ok with that. I’m not surprised; it was so nice of him to offer anyway. I don’t think I deserve the love and concern he has for me. She might see that as not respecting her, her pain, and her wishes. And she’s right to feel that way. I’m going to miss all of them.

2016-08-11 Thu 19:25

Time to get ready and head out. Finished… part of my sandwich, at least. Miranda’s great, she’s been texting me, and it’s been a huge help.

Please, god, let this be good for Jen. Let her leave this session feeling better about herself and her life than she does walking into it.

2016-08-11 Thu 21:38

I don’t know if I did the right thing. I said the right things, but I had to hold a fuckton of feeling back to avoid breaking down, getting upset, losing sight of myself and just plain hurting there. And it’s all come back now like a fucking freight train hitting me in the chest.

I don’t feel any fucking better, I feel ten hundred times worse. I sat in there and told her she can have a divorce if that’s what she needs. As if that’s what I fucking want. Of goddamn course that’s not what I fucking want. Damn this all to fucking hell. How do I cope with her not caring how I feel? How do I cope with not being able to show her how I feel? Who the fuck does care?

Christ, I really wanted to just hit things tonight until my fists broke, and my arms gave out. When do I get to deal with this loss? Or, fuck, the ones I still haven’t dealt with. When do I get to be in pain? When?!

I’m supposed to work on me. The fuck does that even mean. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m losing my fucking wife. I hate divorce. I don’t want divorce. I really, really fucking hate it. God damn it. So, fucking what, she was “ok” not goddamn knowing? Now that she knows the fucking truth, now that I’m honest with her, everything’s just worse, now.

The truth shall set you free from everything you hold fucking dear. It’ll never matter that I’m honest now. It’ll never matter that I always loved her. It doesn’t fucking make any difference. It’s over. She still wants the divorce, she’s still going to go ahead and get it started. And I’m supposed to be ok with it. I know it’s the right fucking thing to be ok with it, but that doesn’t mean I can be.

I meant everything I said in there, but, fuck. I don’t know how to move on from this. I don’t know how I’m going to sit down and talk about who gets the fucking house. How can I possibly be ok watching my life leave me.

I feel like I’ll look like a fucking asshole if I show her all the pain I’m going through. Real fucking healthy. Let’s just hide that, it’ll be another fucking lie.

2016-08-12 Fri 07:25

The way that went last night. The way she left. She didn’t even hold the door for me as we left the office. She closed it behind her. She didn’t look back. She didn’t sit in her car. She just drove right off.

It’s just words.

That’s what she said when Rachel asked what she was thinking as I was telling her I was done fighting, that I caused her so much pain, that I ruined everything.

I didn’t bring any of my feelings into that session. They’re tearing me apart now. I just woke up, and I’m in excruciating emotional pain.

Jen told me she doesn’t regret our marriage.

But she also said she’s been comfortable being separated.

I can’t believe how much this hurts. I’m not strong enough for this. I’m supposed to drive to Pittsburgh next week? To meet a life goal of attending a professional conference and meet people? How? I don’t even know how I can get out of bed and go on right now.

All my clothes are things she helped pick out. My watch was my anniversary present. My car was her idea. My job was earned through her support, and I’ve been working so that I could support our family. Everything I did outside of my addiction was for her, for us. Everything. I built my identity over the last eight years around us. I never had a very strong one of my own.

The pain is overwhelming. I just want to cut my heart out and leave it with her.

For the first time, I’m not sure I’ll be ok.

2016-08-12 Fri 14:18

I can’t believe I’ve still got sexual urges plaguing me. I’ve gone and masturbated today, with ludicrous thoughts of acting out marching through my damned head. Fucking hell. At least it’s passed.

2016-08-12 Fri 16:04

Hey, know what’ll make me feel better?! Spending an hour or two flipping through Jen’s old facebook photos! Yay!

/facepalm

Most of them are of me. How did I manage to ruin this.

2016-08-12 Fri 17:28

The marriage counsellor called to follow up. It’s really nice of her to do that, even if it was just a professional courtesy, to make sure I’m not putting myself in danger. I told her how much pain I was holding back last night. There’s an incredible amount of it… but I think it’s still just the tip of the iceberg of what I caused Jen to feel. She reminded me that Jen said she doesn’t regret our marriage. She sees how much we both love each other. She reminded me not to blame myself entirely…

She asked how I felt about the divorce. Of course I don’t want it to happen, of course I hope that Jen could come around and we could put this back together. It just doesn’t seem probable. I hurt her so badly. This isn’t something she could possibly get over in a week, or a month, or a year. This sort of thing will be with her forever. Even with all the love we have for each other, that’s a deep wound that’ll never fully heal. Maybe some day it won’t hurt as badly, but for now, being with me and seeing me and thinking about me… all of those things are just salt in that wound for her.

I’m hurting too. I never wanted this. I need compassion, too, Rachel said as much on the phone just now. But it’s not going to come from Jen. I have to get by with my friends, with my family, with my group, my therapy, and hopefully, with myself.

It’s going to be a really hard weekend. It’s going to be a really hard year. It’s going to be a really, really hard life. It’ll get better, eventually, somehow. Someday, maybe, I’ll be ok.

Right now, I’m not ok. I can survive it, somehow. All the support in the world isn’t enough to make it hurt any less. I’ve got all this pain crashing down on me, every way in which I hurt Jen is weighing down on me hard. Every time I think about the good times we had together, I think about how much it took out of her to then have to keep distrusting me. All those years,… the both of us… above all else, we had each other. Neither of us get out a lot, or share ourselves intimately with other people. We had each other. For eight years… the one and only person she shared everything with, and I was doing that to her.

Now, we don’t have each other anymore. The void that leaves is crippling. We both lost our best friend, our partner in life, the one person we could lean on anytime. As much pain as I feel for losing her,… I’m feeling so much more for her right now. Jen, with all the limitless, extraordinary love she has to offer, has been feeling ok with being apart. Jim was right, I turned her world completely upside-down.

2016-08-12 Fri 23:42

Jen’s my strongest addiction, and the withdrawal is fucking killing me. She’s the one person I’ve always had to share anything with, and that’s gone now. Every little thing in my day, I crave the opportunity to share with her. Any little thing she’s up to, I want to be some part of.

It’s been so long, but it’s only getting worse. Not even having a the tiny window that was Facebook to see that she’s still up to anything, anything at all, is eating away at me. I don’t know anything. How we’re doing today, what we’re up to,… all that’s gone. I miss everything. I miss seeing Myles tilt his head funny at us. I miss Zero annoying us while we’re watching a show. I miss just knowing she’s there, and she’s ok. I’m missing a part of myself. We really are married, she’s a part of me. And she’s gone. And I’m holding the knife that severed us, in a hand I couldn’t control. She’s apart from me, and she’s been bleeding all this time. She’s been there, just … just loving me, while I’ve been working at this, while all the while holding onto the fucking lie that’s been tearing us apart the whole goddamn time.

If only I were stronger. If only I knew better at the time. If only I had the strength to own up to my problems, my mistakes. The situation might not have been different, but it’d have been better. Better for Jen, at least. Better for both of us, not to have lived through all this.

I miss her so deeply. I miss her missing me. Right now, I’m not sure she does, or that she will. She might. But I tainted everything with my foolish, misguided, self-serving, horrible deception. Because I was weak, scared, and naive.

2016-08-13 Sat 07:44

Another morning where I realize this isn’t a nightmare that goes away when I wake up.

2016-08-13 Sat 14:43

Still in bed. Haven’t done anything today. Mike’s BBQ started at 2. I’m just not up for that much socializing.

2016-08-13 Sat 15:41

Spent time going through Jen’s old LiveJournal entries again. She’s been hurt so many times before. We were something different.

At least, we were.

2016-08-13 Sat 15:50

I don’t know where my head is these days, but it’s someplace beyond depression. I remember being depressed. I don’t remember ever feeling like this.

2016-08-13 Sat 18:10

My bladder finally got me out of bed, but I’m right back after.

2016-08-14 Sun 01:58

Headed over to Mike’s BBQ around 7:30. Just got back. I arrived in time for most of the folks with kids to be heading out, and we played cards against humanity for a good long while. Didn’t talk about my problems or anything, just had a good time. Good times help.

2016-08-14 Sun 13:03

Jen’s out spending the day with Roseann. She let me know that as I asked if I could stop by to get some things for the week.

Heading out for lunch with Mom, then I think we’ll drop by and get things. I wrote a letter to leave there as I go. Not sure if it’s a great idea or not, but I feel strongly compelled to leave it anyway, just to show her how I feel – that I don’t want this, but I accept it anyway, and that I always have, and always will, lover her.

2016-08-14 Sun 18:41

I’m in such agony right now…

I stopped by the house with Mom to grab a few things. Not a minute after we’d arrived, I heard a car door outside; Jen had gotten home. Fuck, that was hard. I’d barely had time to say hello to Myles. I went upstairs to hunt for the shirt I wanted for the conference this week. Jen eventually came up to direct me to some containers she’d apparently been putting things into.

All our photos together have been removed from the walls. The only thing I saw still hanging was the bit of our wedding invitation that was embedded into a small mirror atopt the stairs. I ended up taking that down, and lying it in the spare bedroom.

I got a pile of clothes (more than I needed, really, all I really wanted was the shirt, but I left with more anyway). Jen also suggested I take my blanket, and offered a suitcase. I hardly need something that large this week, but I appreciate the gesture.

Then, I just left. I hugged Zero, and then I left. All I could say to Jen was bye and I love you. I didn’t hear whether or not she responded in kind. I don’t think she did, but I don’t really know.

Mom and I got some Ritas on the way back. She took my laundry, and I ended up back in bed again, where I still am now.

I didn’t succeed in printing my letter when I was at the house. I tried again when I got back here,… I might have succeeded, but I have no way of knowing for sure. I haven’t heard a peep out of Jen.

I feel terrible. I’m going to head out now and make the 7:30 meeting. I can’t just stay here. I’m in too much pain.

2016-08-14 Sun 21:15

The meeting was nice, but I’m still not sure it helped all that much. I still feel pretty terrible. Today was just so fucking awkward. Jen seemed totally awkward. Nobody wanted to say anything, the whole fucking situation just hung in the air like a suffocating cloud of dysfunction.

I’m so overwhelmed right now, and I don’t think anyone can help. The only person that it feels like could possibly help at all is Jen, and I’m fairly certain she doesn’t want to hear any of it. At least, I don’t think she does. I think she has ever reason not to want to. I think if I shared any of this with her, she’d interpret it as a desperate, miserable attempt at trying to not get divorced, only because I don’t want to be alone. And that’s not entirely wrong, either. Of course I wish she’d change her mind. But I can’t change it for her. I don’t want to change it for her.

Quitting her cold turkey, though, is seriously fucking painful. Talking to her would help, even if it’s just to hear her say I’m right and that she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore and that she doesn’t care if I’m feeling hurt because I deserve to and that’s too bad and that’s not her problem anymore.

On the other hand, I don’t know if I could handle actually hearing all that. I don’t know if anything will help.

I just want to tell her I love her, and I’m in so much pain, and I’m blaming myself for everything. I want to believe that she’ll care, and that all that means something to her. But I can’t do it, because if I did that, and she confirmed my fears… I might break completely.

2016-08-15 Mon 07:53

I sent Jen an email last night. Mom read it, thought I expressed myself well in it.

I probably have no right to bother you, but I’m hurting badly and don’t know who else to talk to that’d make any difference.

This has been such a hard week. I’ve never hurt like this before, and it’s clear a lot of it is the realization setting of all the hurt I caused you. I may still only be feeling a fraction of it, but I am feeling it. I feel terrible even telling you this; there’s no reason to expect you to even care how I’m feeling, because what’s important right now isn’t me, it’s you. I expect you’ll interpret this as me reaching out only because I’m hurt, desperate, and I want you back. I know better than that, that’s not why I’m telling you this. Of course I wish things could work out, but I can see they can’t. I think I need to feel all this and more. I think this time apart is good for me, even if it feels like it’s killing me, because it’s never really sunk in before just what I did to you. I spent the last year or so selfishly holding back a truth that I had no right to deny you, because I feared losing you so badly. Which was mean, and stupid. It wasn’t my choice to make.

I don’t know how I’ll move on from here, only that I’ll do my best to keep every promise I make to you from here out, including the one I made to honor your wish for a divorce. I feel like I need to keep bringing that up, because it’s obvious even to me that everything I say here will seem to contradict that,… but I do mean it. I do love you, but I do love you enough to let you go, because I can see how that’s what you need. I’m not sure what I’ll do. Maybe the hurt will eventually get easier to deal with. I don’t think it’ll ever go away. I don’t expect you to believe me, but I never did anything because I didn’t love you, or wanted to hurt you, or somehow wanted to get back at you for anything. I never wanted to break my vows to you. I’ll never stop loving you, and I know I’ll never love anyone else the same.

I have all these feelings wreaking havoc on me these days, and chief among them is the one that tells me I don’t deserve your pity, your compassion, nor your love. I don’t think I should even be sending this email, but I just don’t know what to do right now. I think we’re doing the right thing, it just hurts so much, and it hurts this much because I did all of this. I’m only reaching out because I won’t have much time to do it for another week. I’m doing a psychodrama at group tomorrow, which I know is going to take everything out of me I have left, and therapy on Tuesday, before I leave for Pittsburgh Wednesday morning. It was already going to be a long time apart from you back when I planned it. Nowadays, every hour is an eternity.

And I deserve every excruciating second of it.

I don’t know if I even want a reply right now. I’m a little glad she didn’t reply last night. I don’t regret sending it, though. I needed to get some of the hurt off my chest.

It was nice to have my familiar blankets last night, too.

2016-08-15 Mon 08:47

The trouble with sending a message that may provoke a response is, every notification that reaches me in the interim stops my heart cold. I want her to respond, but I continue to expect the next message to arrive to be the one that justifies all the imagined hatred I feel she holds for me.

2016-08-15 Mon 13:40

Jen didn’t respond directly to my email, but we did some texting earlier. She wants to start paying someone else to mow the lawn. She says she can’t have me keep on doing it. She keeps saying she understands how I’m feeling, and that we’ll both be ok, eventually. I just,… I’m just so far from it right now. I don’t feel like I’m going to be ok. I don’t feel like I will at all.

I couldn’t even eat anything at lunch today. I ended up just sitting in my car with the AC running, texting people, and hurting. I’m not in much better shape now that I’m back at my desk, either. I don’t want to do anything. I really am unable to accept that this is the end.

I might be able to push through it, and give her a divorce, but I’m not going to be ok with it. I just can’t. I feel like I’m dying inside, and it’s only going to get worse.

I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to pretend I’m going to come through this ok. I already chose Jen as the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I can’t choose another, she’s it. Even if I somehow get through this, and even if I’m someday able to meet someone else,… they’ll never be her. They’ll never be the person I made that promise to, and I don’t know if I can ever make that promise again.

I just can’t stomach divorce. I can’t give up. I can’t do what my parents did. I can’t. It just might end me.

2016-08-16 Tue 18:21

Yesterday was a really tough day. I ended up taking two separate walks during work. At lunch, I didn’t end up eating anything, I just sat in the car with the AC on. Jen and I texted a bit while I was on my earlier walk. She’s going to get someone else to mow the lawn, and told me she can’t keep having me do it. I understand that, it just sucks that I can’t do that much for her anymore. Work drug on, it felt like it took forever for 5pm to come. I did at least get to fight an API fire, which kept me occupied for the last hour.

After work, I headed to group for my psychodrama. I was feeling awful as I drove over, really awful. I couldn’t get the thought that maybe Jen has already been moving on out of my head. Why else would she bother clearing my things out of the bedroom? I get why all the pictures would be down from the wall, but that could mean other things too.

I’m glad I did the psychodrama. It was intense, but I left feeling a lot better. The situation isn’t any better, but at least I was able to see things in a better light. I was so low on hope, and my entire well-being was tied to how I imagine Jen sees me right now. We’re both just having a really hard time. I don’t know if we’ll get back together or not, but it is obvious, at least, that we both love each other.

Jen even texted me after my psychodrama (half an hour before it was over, actually), to ask how it went, and sent me a photo of Zero snuggling next to her head.

There is hope. I don’t know what it is or what shape it’ll take in the future, but there is hope. I can be ok. She can be ok. Somehow.

2016-08-16 Tue 23:16

Feeling anxious. Excited about the conference. Scared of going alone. Hopeful that I’ll meet some interesting people. Homesick and missing Jen, Myles and Zero. Worried about not knowing what’s going on with us. Wondering what I’ll listen to for the long drive out.

Not all of it is bad. All of it is natural, and nothing to be upset or ashamed about. I’m ok. I’ll be ok. This’ll be a great trip.

Had a thought in the shower this morning, about writing a weird little comparison of my situation with Jen and my addiction to The Princess Bride. I’d paint myself as young Wesley, being “killed” by my addiction, causing such suffering for Jen (Buttercup). Humperdink could represent my behavior when taken over by the addiction, causing her harm, forcing her to stay with me. Vizzini as my warped thinking, Inigo as my self-indulgence, Fezzik as my simple foolishness. Could make out like I triumphed over them, but they remain a part of me, and support me now. It all sort of comes back to me feeling as though I used the machine on myself, causing my own ultimate suffering. Miracle Max is sort of the group saving me, helping me along. Miracles take time. I just want to free Jen from the harm I cause her. I don’t know the ending yet, so that’s all there can be to it so far. I am faking strength as Wesley does to put Humperdink in his place. I am a new man, with new skills, as he is. Do I get the girl in the end? Who knows. But I can free her, and let her decide what to do next.

2016-08-17 Wed 08:23

I shouldn’t feel this way, I really shouldn’t. I’m projecting my behavior onto her…

I’m just having trouble shaking the feeling that maybe she’s moving on with someone else. There’s so many things I can twist to fit that narrative. She removed me and all my friends from Facebook, so nobody I know knows what she’s up to. She’s said before we should be seeing other people. She didn’t even want me mowing the lawn this morning, on the shaky premise that she’s working from home today. She wouldn’t even see me!

This thinking is so toxic. She’s not the sort of person that’d cheat on me, ever. But, would she think of it as cheating if she perceives our marriage to be over?

This is madness. We aren’t even divorced yet. The process hasn’t even started. She wouldn’t be doing that. She just needs her space from me, that’s all. I know that already. Why do these stupid, terrible thoughts keep haunting my mind? She’s not doing anything to hurt me, she never has. She’s spending this time with friends, she’s coping with her pain in her way.

She’s shut herself out of my life to escape the pain that it brought. She doesn’t want me mowing the lawn, because she’ll know I’m there, and even that is more than she can bear right now. It’s not because she wants to hide anything from me, it’s that she needs me hidden from her.

My brain is such an evil fucker to get me thinking otherwise.

2016-08-17 Wed 23:28

Feeling good. The drive wasn’t too bad. Long, but not bad. Took my time, made some stops along the way. Saw someone pulling a U-Haul trailer with a Wapakoneta ad on it, texted Jen, then got a picture of it when I ended up passing it again after having taken a break at a rest area. Sent the pic to Jen’s dad, too. He appreciated it :)

Found the hotel ok and got situated. Thanks to the Slack chat rooms, I found a group of people to go to dinner with. We went to an Argentinian restaurant with really good wood-grilled steak. Didn’t know anybody, ended up being a seven-person group altogether. A couple of them seemed pretty extroverted, and kept the conversation flowing. It was pretty nice. Once we got back, I headed up to my room and took a bath. Now I’m just making sure to get a journal entry before getting to bed. I’m looking forward to seeing Joe Armstrong speak in person first thing tomorrow morning, so I’d better get some rest so I can get up, get a quick breakfast, and head over there :)

2016-08-18 Thu 13:17

The conference is going well so far :)

Sat in the second row for Joe Armstrong’s talk, and enjoyed a couple others before heading off for lunch. Ended up with a couple other guys that were trying to meet up with a crew at one place that was full, so we found another nearby bar and hung out there.

Good time so far, lots of great people around. Hard to believe I’m actually socializing. Got a few minutes before the next talk, should head over soon :)

2016-08-18 Thu 22:12

Fantastic day today. Sat in on a bunch of good talks, took lots of notes in my notebook. Was a bit disappointed to not see Joe Armstrong in the meet & greet room, but it afforded me the time to catch the Irresistible APIs talk. I hopped over there afterwards to see if he perhaps popped in towards the end, but he had not. On my way back over towards the central hangout area, though, I noticed him in a corner with a couple other folks. I wandered over, said hello, and joined in on the conversation. A couple other folks joined in as well, and we had a nice talk about a variety of things. Topics included keeping track of files (Joe claimed one of his favorite programs was a bit of emacs-lisp which kept a log of what files he edited, where they went, and when, which synced to dropbox so he could grep it to figure out which computer a file was on), giving estimates to managers (Joe had been asked about something, he simply said “I don’t know”, thought maybe it’d take five minutes but didn’t voice that, and it ended up exposing a bug and taking three weeks to finish altogether), and commenting code (Joe recounted a section of the old Erlang codebase related to pattern matching that Robert had written, whom he claimed was notorious for not commenting code, which had but a single comment partway through saying “Now, for the tricky bit”). I also learned that Joe is an avid org-mode user :)

Headed out with a group to the Church Brew Works, which was a lot of fun.

I’m glad I hopped online yesterday and got a ticket to the movie premier for “What comes next is the future”. It was an interesting documentary on the web, and it was only $15. Also, I got a soda and some junior mints (why not, I was going for the balcony seating), and that only cost $3.50.

Been meeting and talking to lots of great people. I’ll have to remember to get some contact info before the event is over. Looking forward to more tomorrow :)

2016-08-18 Thu 23:19

Lying down, watching the Daily Show before turning in for the night. Got a text from Jen asking how the conference has been going. I told her it’s been great, and that I’ve been socializing. She told me she’s proud of me, and that she does miss me, that it’s tough to enjoy some things without me around. It was good to hear.

2016-08-19 Fri 07:48

Feeling terribly homesick this morning. Watched the ceremony and first dance from our wedding video. It was such a great day, and the speech we received was a really good one. I miss her so much…

2016-08-19 Fri 11:20

The talk on emotions was really worthwhile. Got a “feeling wheel” out of it, seems it might be useful for later introspection :)

2016-08-19 Fri 16:29

Feeling a bit worn out today. Laid in bed through this morning’s keynote, which I heard later included a controversial analogy to slavery. Got there in time for the Emotional API talk, which was great, and probably something I needed to hear anyway. The Mobile First to Offline First talk was also very good. It’s nice to hear people are advocating for that sort of design, which reminds me a lot of Christopher Meiklejohn’s description of clients as additional nodes in a distributed application.

Ended up back at TenPenny for lunch again with a different crew, then enjoyed a couple more talks. Decompressing in the hotel room for a bit, and changing out of my Darmok tshirt into something perhaps more presentable. I might head back in a little while to wander the hallways a little, and perhaps check out the rooftop terrace. Stallman was hanging out at a merch booth, and I noticed Armstrong greeting him there. Would be great to chat with him some more before the conference is over to thank him properly for the impact Erlang has made on me, and perhaps work up the courage to ask him for a photo :)

2016-08-20 Sat 00:14

God damn it.

I have a draft sitting in response to tonight’s email from Jen. I haven’t sent it yet. I don’t know if I should or not:

Bringing that up while I’m away, doing everything I can to make the best of what you know is a very difficult trip for me socially, which you know I’m doing while having a very difficult time with life in general, felt really hurtful. I still have a day left to get through. I was barely managing to keep myself afloat to enjoy it as well as I could. I need to get sleep now, and I can’t. I have the hotel room til 12 tomorrow, a full day of the conference left to go, and I have to drive home, for six hours, starting at 8:30 tomorrow night. I don’t think you intended to be hurtful, but that’s how it feels.

I’m making every effort I can to keep my feelings to myself, to my friends, and to my therapist. I’m doing everything I can to hold myself together, and calmly work through this divorce, because it’s what you say you need, and I want you to get what you need, and I want you to be happy. But, please, understand that this is extremely hard for me. I can accept and give you a divorce, but I’m not able to accept it for myself yet. You said it yourself multiple times, I’m not where you are with this. I need a lot of time to come to terms with this, time that I’m willing to take on my own, time that I expect I’ll be working to accept this well after I’ve signed papers and let you move on from me.

Once this trip is over, and I’m home, I’ll be better prepared to deal with this, and get through this as I told you I would. I can’t do it without help, though, and out here,… I don’t have much.

The day went pretty well, after my rocky start in the morning. Listened to Joe in the hallway again for a while today. Did dinner with some of the guys related to the Offline First talk. Got back to the hotel, thinking I’d relax, unwind, catch up with texts from Nick and Miranda, and get started on all the sleep I’ll need to get through tomorrow and get home. But then, that email from Jen came in. Telling me how she’s working to get a mortgage under her name. About getting the cars under our separate names. About moving forward with the divorce mediator. I just don’t have the strength to deal with this now. I tried crying, I managed a little of that. I tried giving myself a fit to work out some of the emotion. That helped a bit. Still, though, what a fucking thing to send while I’m away. When she knows I’m working really hard at being out of my comfort zone. While I’m working really hard to push past the hurt of our separation. While I’m continuing to work hard at my sobriety. It just really fucking hurt to get hit with that bit of reality, and it really hurt to suddenly have to work through that hundreds of miles from home, with nobody around to comfort me. Just a phone, and a journal.

2016-08-20 Sat 00:22

I sent it.

2016-08-20 Sat 10:45

I’m in so much fucking pain right now. I don’t think Jen cares, I don’t think she’s capable of caring right now. She hurts too much herself. It feels so unfair for her to drop that on me while I’m out here, pushing myself to my limit to be able to enjoy what was supposed to be a fun, challenging trip. Now, I’m struggling just to get up and get checked out. I don’t have much of a choice, soon. It’d only be more unfair to myself to not at least try to enjoy this last day. If I can’t, I can’t. If I’m not able to drive home, that’s ok too. I can find someplace to stay another night. I’ll survive, somehow.

2016-08-20 Sat 13:30

I’m having a really hard time holding it together. The talks are good, so that’s good, but I’m still an emotional mess. I talked to Rachel on the phone before the last talk. She thinks maybe there’s some hope that Jen will come around and at least be open to talking, but she might not be there yet. Her anger might still be in the way of that. She thinks that someone better versed in dealing with fallout from sexual addiction would provide a safer place to talk, when doing that becomes possible. She warned that Jen may want to ask questions that she’s not prepared to hear the answers to yet. Also, she’s worried about things coming up that might be psychologically and emotionally damaging to me.

I don’t want to rush this, I just don’t know what to do.

Joe Armstrong is still about. I feel like a weird stalker, following him around. I just want to tell him I’m very thankful for Erlang, and that it planted the seed in my current passion that is designing and building programs as distributed systems. I do kind of want to get a photo with him. I don’t have it in me to push past anyone else to do it, though, and there’s always someone else with more courage talking to him. Maybe I should just give it up, and stop trailing him like an obsessed puppy. I’m starting to feel a little obsessive about it, which isn’t good.

2016-08-20 Sat 13:57

I don’t know what to do with my spare time here anymore. At least the therapy dogs session will be starting soon. Don’t know how that is going to go, but it might be helpful. I already feel paralyzed as if there’s going to be some protocol I’m going to not know or feel too nervous to follow, or if my own fear of showing any vulnerability will stop me from getting anything out of it, or even walking through the door. I don’t have another talk on my schedule till nearly 3:30, and I don’t really have anywhere else to go in the meantime. No more hotel room, no more bed to find comfort in. Just the vacant benches in the convention center, or maybe the restaurants around town. The talks are good, and easy enough. All I have to do there is sit, and take notes. Maybe I’ll find some extras to poke into and spend some time.

When I get home, I’m going to need a lot of hugs.

2016-08-20 Sat 17:03

It’s a weird and unpleasant feeling knowing you don’t have a place to go back to. It’ll be a long time before I’m back anyplace comfortable to get some rest.

2016-08-20 Sat 17:53

Feeling like things are starting to drag on a bit, like I need to be getting home. I don’t want to miss Stallman’s talk, I think I’ll stay, but I’m also not feeling great. I feel like I triggered Jen’s anger by standing up for myself after she sent that divorce email while I was here. I sent a really long email at her this morning too, explaining how hard I think this is for both of us, as well as another asking her to find a support group so she’s not so alone. I know how that feels, and I don’t want that for her. She needs people she can feel safe talking to about everything. Ideally, people who understand the situation well, and have also been hurt by addicts.

I don’t know if telling her all that was a good idea or not. She hasn’t responded since. After talking to Rachel earlier, I’m thinking it might be best to sit down together with a specialized therapist. Maybe Eric can recommend somebody, or Rachel seemed to know someone, too. I don’t feel like there’s much else I can do right now, so I think I’ll try to let her be. She was seeing her dad today, and I think he understands pretty well the sort of thing we’re going through. Hopefully they’ll be able to talk a bit, and that will help her.

I need to get back to taking care of myself, and not beating myself up, because I’m really on track to fall back into that pretty badly. I need to remember that I am doing better, whether she realizes it or not. I’m not that person anymore. While I may not have been honest about what I did, I did all the work I did knowing what I did, and knowing that none of it can happen ever again. I didn’t lie about it because I wanted to keep doing it, only because I couldn’t face that I had done it at all. I did the work just the same. I won’t hurt myself or anyone else like that again. I’m better than that. I know better ways to deal with feelings now. I’m doing better every day at dealing with my emotions, and the pain and discomfort they can bring. I’m better at feeling them, and getting through them, rather than letting them fester and hurt. I’m better at asking for and finding help when I need it. I don’t need other people to validate me in dangerous, destructive ways. I can take care of myself, and I can find good people that will help me, and I can help them, too.

No matter what happens, I am a good guy. I did make mistakes. I learned from them. It took a long time, but I learned from them, and I’m better for it. Maybe it’s too late for Jen to see, accept, or be open to the benefits from that, and that… that’s ok. It’s really, really sad, but it’s ok. It’s not the end of the world, just the end of a relationship. One that I’ll miss dearly, one that I don’t want to end, one that’ll hurt terribly when it’s gone,… but it’s not the end of me. I can go on. I don’t have to worry about my future now, only myself in the now. It doesn’t matter if the relationship ends. It doesn’t matter whether I’ll ever find another person afterwards, or if I’ll even want to. All I need to focus on is being ok, being safe, and being sober, right now. The rest of life will fall into place as it sees fit.

2016-08-20 Sat 18:09

Just one last talk to go. Time to do this.

2016-08-21 Sun 02:00

Home safe, and very tired. Tomorrow (today?) will be a great day to just relax and recuperate. And, with my luck, get to deal with some more nonsense, too. The evening meeting will help with that, though :)

2016-08-21 Sun 09:25

Feeling hurt, upset, and angry. Woke up thinking about dividing assets. I know Jen said she wanted it to be fair, and as easy as possible, but no way will it be easy. The bank accounts, maybe. The house, possibly. But all the things in the house? Things we have different levels of attachment to? How the fuck is that not going to be a long nightmare?

I’m still pissed at her for shutting me out so completely. I really do feel like our dead baby, immediately aborted and excised, no longer any part of her life whatsoever. It feels fucking awful, and she seems content with it. Our baby, that she called a fucking distraction, that she justified by saying we never should have even tried. Well, she fucking tried, didn’t she? Why the fuck did she even try? Why pretend this could ever work if she didn’t think it was going to? How fucking hurtful is that?!

I sometimes feel like I shouldn’t be making this as easy as I am. There’s no fucking reason I should be out of my own home just so she can go on pretending I don’t fucking exist anymore. If this is real, if this is really happening, I have to hit a limit for the things I’m willing to do for her sake. I have to. It’s not fucking fair for me to be bending over backwards for someone who only wants rid of me. I keep making this easier for her, as if that’s somehow going to turn things around, when all I’m doing is helping along the ruination of everything I hold dear.

At some point, I feel like I might snap, and this will get really fucking ugly. I don’t want that. I really don’t,… but how much longer can I keep this up? How much longer until I abandon this hope… and what is the next chapter going to look like? Will it be my sadness, or my anger, that steps up to handle this next?

2016-08-21 Sun 11:00

Today hasn’t been relaxing at all. All I can think about is Jen, the divorce, our stuff, the house…

How did I pass the time nine years ago, when I didn’t have her to be with?

I’m so alone. It’s just me in this room. At least she has Myles and Zero. I have no one. I haven’t even seen mom yet, she’d already gone to bed by the time I got in last night. Jen made out that I have all these people, all this support from friends and family,… but I’m so goddamned alone.

2016-08-21 Sun 11:18

Oh, right. I got a cat ten years ago so I wouldn’t have to come home to an empty apartment. The cat I’ve barely seen in months.

I’m too fucking exhausted to go out and find someone to hang out with. Probably nobody’s free to hang out right now anyway, and I’m not going to be very good company feeling like this. Nothing to do but lay here, be miserable, and be alone, I guess.

This is my life, now. This is what it’s going to be for a while. Just me and this goddamned journal, that nobody else ever reads.

2016-08-21 Sun 11:35

I still can’t fucking believe this separation started with an email.

2016-08-21 Sun 16:36

Hurting bad. I miss my family. I miss Jen. I miss Zero. I miss Myles. She might be alone, but she’s got 3/4 of my family. I’ve only got myself.

2016-08-22 Mon 08:30

What is it about Monday mornings, especially Monday mornings after time away from work, that seems to throw my body into physical distress. Woke up from a weird, horrible dream, and my stomach has been a mess too. I assume it’s primarily hunger pangs, but nothing feels normal. I’m sure it’ll sort itself out once I’m up and moving, but, ugh.

I’m glad I got myself together and went to the meeting last night. I couldn’t cope with spending a whole day in bed, even if I did legitimately need to recharge after what was an exhausting week of pretending to be social. Afterwards, mom and I hung out and watched The Princess Bride. Turns out she has the DVD, though she doesn’t remember having seen it. I shared the emails from Friday night with mom, and got some much needed hugs.

It’s late, but I’ve got to get myself into the shower and get presentable. Today has a chance to be a decent day, just got to get to work, then enjoy group and a meeting tonight.

Got a text from Jen asking if I could come take care of the litter box. I responded that I can do it tomorrow after work, she seems ok with that. I’m happy to leave things at that, for now.

2016-08-23 Tue 08:45

Another night I didn’t sleep as well as I’d hoped. Woke up around 4, and tried to get comfortable and back to sleep. Managed to, but dreamt. Dreamt of Jen, and a bunch of my friends. They were all getting together, I wasn’t feeling great, but I tried to join them, but they all abandoned me after Jen told them everything I’d done, and left together to go to some place in New Jersey instead. After tracking Jen down at home, I found an extra cell phone of hers, another guy’s sweatshirts and things, and Jen confessed that she’d told everyone every horrible detail about what I’d done to her, and that she didn’t love me anymore at all, and that she was already moving on with another guy. I woke up feeling devastated around 7, ended up napping more until 8. Only just out of the shower now.

I know it’s all nonsense, but it’s still terrible. I’ve never had a dream like that before, and certainly not with her. I’ve never before dreamt she were anything but loving. I don’t believe the dream at all, but those thoughts are in my head. We do love each other, tremendously,… that’s why this hurts us both so badly. We’ll be ok. Somehow, we’ll be ok.

2016-08-23 Tue 17:06

Pretty good day at work. Busy. Was good to be fully engrossed in what I was doing, it got all the other thoughts out of my head. They’d crept back in at lunch, but were bulldozed out shortly thereafter.

Feeling ok now, which is good, since I’m going to be heading over after work to take care of the litter box. I’m having connectivity issues getting to the stuff on my computer there, so I’m going to try to reset the router while I’m there, too. No idea what, if anything, else will happen. Might just be in and out, who knows. I should probably get my light jacket, too. It’s been rainy, and it’ll eventually start getting cooler out.

2016-08-23 Tue 17:55

It’s all back. The fear, uncertainty, hopelessness. The twisted, knotted feeling in chest just above my stomach. My anxiety is going through the roof, and it feels awful. Just stopping to pick up the litter trays, then I’ll be heading over there. She knows I’m coming, she expects me to be there soon. I don’t even know if she’s planning on being home. Probably. Shit, I feel awful. I wanted to go in feeling ok, confident, prepared to accept anything that happens. I think I still can, but I’m going to have to do it while feeling this, too.

2016-08-23 Tue 19:42

Just more awkwardness. I took care of the litter pretty quickly, got to enjoy a little time with Myles, and sat with Zero while I waited for her to finish up some work so I could reset the router. She asked how the conference went, and I showed her photos of the therapy dogs. She says she found someone to take care of the lawn, and the price seemed reasonable. Hopefully that’ll happen soon. She says he can take care of some of the trimming, too.

She’s having trouble with refinancing, because she’s been freelancing so long. She says it may take a while, she was told she’d be better off once she has a full-time job.

She asked if I was looking for a place. I said I’ll have to. I honestly haven’t been looking yet, I feel like I’m still better off at Mom’s for the moment. I know I should, but it’ll be hard to commit to a place. I feel like I’ll have trouble committing to anything more than month-to-month, and it feels unfair and foolish to pay for another place while I’m still paying for a house I can’t even stay in.

I texted her to thank her for the time with the pets, and told her it was good to see all of them. I haven’t heard back yet. At this point, I don’t really expect to.

2016-08-23 Tue 22:57

So, apparently I buried my head in a pillow under a blanket after writing that last entry, and only just woke up. Hadn’t even eaten yet. Luckily, mom has half a chicken salad wrap, and hasn’t gone to bed yet.

2016-08-24 Wed 09:53

Ended up masturbating this morning. Probably let myself think too hard on how long it’d been since I had last, and just didn’t care enough to be able to stop myself downloading some stuff to my phone and having a go at it.

Listened to most of Phil’s latest podcast on the Wheel of Fortune card on the way in. Thinking about what the change in my life is leading me towards. I feel like I probably won’t like the situation I’ll be in at the end, but maybe I can at least like myself?

Looked at our finances, too. We’re not in great shape, we seem to still be losing a fair deal more money than we’re making. Makes looking and paying for an apartment seem like a bad idea right now.

Dad just texted me asking me to call him. I wonder what today will bring.

2016-08-24 Wed 23:10

Being ignored sucks.

Sent a friend request to the Facebook account she made for Myles, no response.

Never did hear back from Jen after thanking her for letting me stop by the house.

Sent her a 1-on-1 wargear invitation tonight. More wishful thinking, I imagine.

It’s like I keep on creating new ways for her to ignore me. I probably shouldn’t even be doing that. I should probably be leaving her alone, and giving her space. Why do I keep trying to insert myself back into her life, when she isn’t ready to have me there? I guess I’m just having a really hard time getting by without her. How do you go from living every moment of your life with someone, to being completely apart? I don’t know how to make that transition, much less make it immediately. She sometimes reaches out, why can’t I? I feel like I’m completely at the mercy of her whims when it comes to any kind of communication. I guess I am. I don’t know.

She needs space to work through her feelings, I get that. I’m just having the worst time giving it to her. She needs space, and I need intimacy. It’s so painful. Talking to other people, texting people from group, hanging out with mom,… all that helps, but it’s a far cry from what I need. And I may never get what I need. I may have to eventually learn to do without. Maybe I will, in time, but I don’t think the pain will ever fully subside. I feel like at best, I will just get used to it, and mind it less. But it’ll always be there. I’ll always have that hole left behind from the loss of our relationship, and nothing can ever really fill that. All anything can ever do is grow around that void, and maybe eventually dwarf it, so that it’s not as big or as overwhelming as it is today. But today, today that hole is insanely large. It comprises most of my being. Our marriage was everything to me. My own love for myself, and my own independence, they’re there, but they’re slivers next to this gaping void where our relationship once held me together. Over time, it’ll heal, and those other areas are already growing stronger, but it’ll take a long time to shift the balance back to a place where I can start feeling better.

I wish we could repair that wound together, but that might never happen, and that’s profoundly sad. I hope we can at least take a few steps towards healing together, even if we have to make the journey alone.

2016-08-25 Thu 07:58

Another morning, waking up in the wrong bed, in the wrong house, alone. It’s hard to feel loved, or capable of being loved, when I’m shut out like this. I know better, but it doesn’t feel like it’s possible.

I’m glad to have mom around to chat with, at least. I’ll be meeting Dad for lunch, too,… he’s asked me to watch his house and Bella over the weekend.

I’m just having a really, really hard time these days. I just feel crippled, like my heart was ripped out. It doesn’t help that it was my actions that tore it from me in the first place. I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know if I want to move on. I don’t know if there’s anyone else in the world that can make me whole again.

This just hurts so goddamn much…

2016-08-25 Thu 10:59

Why can’t I stop myself. I texted her this morning. I just printed the Rita’s coupon I got to the house. Why can’t I just leave her alone? Why am I so desperate to have her back in my life right this instant? Why can’t I wait, and give her more time?

Why do I feel like I’m falling further apart with every second she’s out of my life?

2016-08-25 Thu 17:14

Had a good lunch with Dad. Got a text from Jen as I was finishing up, asking what we should do about the pets while she’s gone in two weeks. I told her I’d love to watch them, if she’d be ok with that.

I went on to tell her I was worried about affording a place of my own right now, and that we should probably talk about money. She later let me know she was working on having me removed from some of our shared credit cards, as well as the insurance through USAA. She says nothing will happen until I get contacted by people about it, and that I can keep the policy until it gets sorted out.

I ended up taking a walk with Stephanie to clear my head, and it helped a lot. I’m so grateful to have such good friends.

Jen and I will try to get together on Tuesday to talk about how stuff is going to get split up, and how this is going to work. Today just wasn’t going to work… I’ve been too emotional to put myself through that today as well. We texted a bit about how she is trying to be fair, and be nice through all this. I told her how much I appreciate that, and that I know she’s not the sort of person that’d be nasty. I wanted to reassure her that I know her better than that, and that I loved her as much as she loved me, and that I still do. I told her that I’m not out to cause her any pain either, that I’m doing what I can to avoid causing her any kind of additional pain.

I’m glad we were both able to avoid getting too emotional through that exchange. She even accepted my wargear invitation, so… small victories. I’m looking forward to therapy tomorrow afternoon, and to seeing her Tuesday.

2016-08-26 Fri 05:19

I wish Jen could somehow change her mind, but I’ve been thinking about that lately. I don’t know if she ever will. She says she’s tried, and tried so long to make this work… but, has she? She says she’s tried many different ways to get me to do stuff around the house, and yeah, I can see that. But what about us? Has she really been working at us at all? I’m not so sure. It seems that for all this time, she’s just been waiting. Waiting for things to change, somehow. Waiting, maybe, for what happened to, what, go away? Waiting to be able to forgive me? I don’t know. I know what hasn’t been happening. She hasn’t had any part in recovering with me. That’s always been my thing, and my thing only. Not that I haven’t needed that, too… I need my own recovery. But, we also needed to recover together, and we never did that. Even when we went to marriage counselling, it always felt like we were there to fix me, not to fix us.

Jen’s never seemed to have much of an interest at all in what it is I’ve been doing in my recovery, and still doesn’t, as best as I’m able to tell. I have no idea if she’s even aware of how I’m handling all this differently these days. I have no idea if she’s conscious of how hard I’m working on myself, and for us. I don’t know if she recognizes how much it takes for me to make this easy for her, for us. I wonder if all she sees is her own path out of this, and is blind to all I’m doing to provide that, instead of being completely shut down and unable and unwilling to move forward through this.

My recovery has always been about me, and doing it for myself. I’ve heard that a lot over all the time I’ve been there, and I’ve been coming to understand what that means. This is work I’m doing for my own sake. I’ve wanted to be doing work for hers, and maybe I thought that’s what I was doing when I started going to group therapy, but I’ve really just been working on me, for me. There hasn’t been any work for her sake, because that would require the both of us. And she hasn’t been invested in that. She’s just been waiting.

In a way, it feels as though she’s been generous in delaying what now feels like an inevitable separation and divorce, in that now I’m able to appreciate it as being what she wants and needs. Perhaps it’s always been what she needed, and has been too afraid to just do it for so long. Maybe it took the miscarriage for her to finally think hard about what she wanted, and to realize she hasn’t wanted to be in this marriage for all this time at all.

She’s been adamant so far that she doesn’t want to give me any hope that this can work out any other way. I guess what hurts me the most is that I had so much hope, and so much of that came from our working together to have a child. I had hope that we were finally doing something together, that we were building our relationship where perhaps before we were just the roomates and friends she’s claimed we were, going through life on our own but living together. I had true hope that we were building our family together, that it was something we both wanted to do, that we both wanted to move on together.

But the past was always there. She tells me she never let go of it. I had hope that since we were moving forward, that we were strong enough to work through that together, too, but we never did. We never faced that together. Maybe if we had, the truth would have come out differently, we wouldn’t have spent all that time trying to have a baby, but instead would have spent it talking, being honest with each other, and trying to heal. Not only did that never happen, but there was never a hint that it would. I had my secret, and she had hers. Hers was that she didn’t want to be with me, because she didn’t know the full truth, and she knew she didn’t. Mine was that she was right to doubt me, because I’d buried what I’d done, unable to face what I’m now dealing with regardless.

I want to offer her the chance to get our feelings out together, and heal together, but I have no reason to believe she’ll want to do that, because she never has before. She wants the divorce, and she doesn’t want to look back. It doesn’t matter what I think, or feel. She’s never wanted to face the problems in our marriage that contributed to my mistake, she’s only wanted me to focus on what I did. And that’s not enough for either of us. I think she realizes that much, now. The fact that I’ve been working on myself so much doesn’t matter to her. She’s only aware of the fact that she hasn’t healed, and feels that the only way she can is to be rid of me.

It’s a shame that the act of cheating is able to outweigh all the good in our relationship and our marriage for her. She admits we had something great, and doesn’t regret it, but she’s resolved to go through with the divorce anyway. She can’t see past my mistake, my past behavior. I still feel like perhaps someday she will, either by working to heal from it, or even just with enough time. But, that doesn’t mean she’ll ever want to work with me to restore what we had, what we could still have.

She’s mourning the loss of her dreams, and her life until now. So am I, though I don’t know she knows it. Our marriage, this was my dream, too. I still remember sitting in a cubicle, back when I was twenty, dreaming of how in ten years I wanted to have a house, and have a wife that I loved deeply and completely, and was starting my own family. I thought I’d attained that. I had. And now it’s lost. We’re both losing so much…

It’s hard to see. She won’t tell me if this is really a struggle for her, because to do so would be to give me hope that she might think differently. Maybe this really is hard for her, maybe she doesn’t know if this is the right thing for her to do. But she’s doing it, nonetheless. She’s pushing forward. So, either this is what she wants, or she’s convincing herself that it is, and the result will be the same either way. If it were hard enough for her, she wouldn’t be going through with this anyway, right? I don’t know. I hope for her sake that she knows what she’s doing, and knows what she wants. Because she is doing it, she’s already decided it, and she’s not showing any signs of backing down.

I want to believe this is just some nightmare, and that she’ll stop, and that we’ll at least try to put the effort in together to heal, and make an informed decision together. I want to have that hope, but there really isn’t much to base that hope upon. We haven’t worked together to deal with this yet, so why would we suddenly start now? It’s not enough that I want to, she has to want to as well. It seems plenty clear that she does not, and has not. And why would she want to? It’d be hard work. Really hard. And it’s possible that after all that hard work, she’d only gain clarity on why we can’t remain together. Why put all that work in, if her decision turns out to be right for her anyway? I expect she only sees that benefitting me, giving me the hope that I can still have a marriage after what I’ve done, and that seems ridiculously unfair to her. I see it as a chance for her to heal, to calm down, deal with the pain, and understand her feelings beyond all the hurt sitting on the surface right now. I can’t force her into it, though. I doubt I can even convince her that this could be a good thing for her, and that it isn’t just for me. Maybe she’s legitimately not ready for it yet, anyhow. After all, she hasn’t been working through any of this on her own, yet. I still have no idea if she’s actually started seeing a therapist, or if she even thinks that would help her.

While she claims I’m the one behind on realizing how failed our relationship is, she’s way behind on working through her feelings on all of this. I’ve had a lot of time to do that. She’s only been sitting on hers. Maybe it’s only through divorce that she’ll find a way to work through her feelings. I can’t decide her path for her. That’s why I’m not fighting her. It’s not because I don’t want, with every fiber of my being, to make this work. It’s because only she can decide what’s right for her.

If we can’t both choose us, then we have no hope of ever making this work.

2016-08-26 Fri 09:39

I feel like I’m losing my damned mind, because of a lawn. Our lawn still isn’t cut, and there’s not a thing I can do about it. Jen said she’d take care of it, and hire a guy. She’s taking on all this responsibility that I know she fucking hated having to take on herself before, and it’s stabbing at me like a goddamn railroad spike in my mind that it’s not getting taken care of and she won’t let me do it for her. It’s still my lawn too, and I’m not even allowed to take care of it.

This shouldn’t bother me this much, probably, but it’s bothering the hell out of me anyway. It’s just as well, worrying about bigger things like Jen or myself cripples me; at least this only makes me lose my mind.

2016-08-26 Fri 10:37

I find myself wondering what Danita is thinking as she glances at me, and continues along her way down the hall. She’s the only one of my friends still on Jen’s friend list. I have no idea what Jen might be posting about, or if they even talk. Still, I wonder if she thinks I’m some kind of monster, now. I guess I expect her to. We rarely talk as it is, and haven’t talked at all since the separation, so maybe I’ll never even know. Nobody who talks to Jen talks to me. We’re totally isolated from one another. Once Jen stops talking to me, it’ll be as though neither of us even exist anymore. I hope she doesn’t, but it’d be so easy for her to avoid me completely, forever.

2016-08-27 Sat 07:55

Stayed the night at Dad’s, spending the day as well to watch the animals. Got nothing to do, really. Going to see if I’ve got some kind of project, or game, or movies, or anything to keep my mind from trapping itself in a quagmire.

I went to bed a little early last night, by 10pm. Jen texted me while I was in bed, only saw it this morning:

I’m sorry I feel a need to ask you something

This guy you had done stuff with - does he live around here? Is there any chance I could ever accidentally run into him? Does he know anything about you? Is he gay?

She seems concerned for her safety, so I answered.

He doesn’t, you won’t, he doesn’t know anything. He was also married.

I’m a little wary of this becoming a conversation. I don’t want to let this become about feelings without having a therapist involved. I hope that answer is enough for her, for now.

I’m going to try to watch a show or something to get my mind back away from this for now.

2016-08-27 Sat 16:11

Distracting myself is hard, especially since I’ve only got my laptop and H.P. Lovecraft book with me. At least it’s finally the afternoon. I have no idea what, if anything, will get me out of the doldrums today.

2016-08-27 Sat 20:47

Not my best day ever. The pain really got to me, and I felt I had to text Jen to tell her. I ended up taking a walk for half an hour, then wandered into the mexican place around the corner. Ordered three tacos, was able to finish one. Back at the house, and still feeling lousy.

I’m not entirely sure why dad felt he needed someone to watch the house. Colin’s been here more than enough, and all it’s done is stuck me in a different place, alone.

I know Jen hurts a lot, and that she’s not dealing with this much better than I am. So much of my own pain is knowing that she’s hurting, and feeling incapable of helping her. I’m jealous, too. She has her home, has Myles, has Zero. She’s able to be apart from the person that hurt her so badly. Me? I lost my home. I don’t have my pets. I lost my wife, the one person in the world I love this deeply, and need to help me through all of this pain. I can’t hide from the person that hurt us, because he’s in my head. It doesn’t even matter if that’s not who I am anymore. I’m reaping the consequences for a part of myself that didn’t care to consider them. The pain of it feels strong enough to kill me, but I know it won’t. It’s not quite that bad. It’s not merciful enough to offer a quick end. I’ve got to live with it, and the permanence of what it’s done.

“Til death do us part”. Not quite, apparently, though I expect I’ll die on the inside when I sign away the one person in the world I wanted to grow old with, that I promised I would.

2016-08-28 Sun 09:55

I’m feeling hurt, and scared. Really scared.

I’m scared that I’m doing the wrong things. I’m scared that being out of the house is wrong. I’m scared of losing more. I’m scared that this divorce could turn nasty at any moment. I’m scared of the divorce truly starting. I’m scared of everything ending. I’m scared I won’t be able to take care of myself. I’m scared I’ll never love again. I’m scared I won’t let myself be loved again. I’m scared of losing contact with Jen forever. I’m scared that’s already happening. I’m scared this is going to get a lot worse before it starts getting any better. I’m scared that getting better might not mean ever being as good again. I’m scared to move on. I’m scared to lose us.

2016-08-28 Sun 10:36

Maybe I was wrong all along. Maybe she is just a spiteful bitch, stuck in the past, with no concern for me or anything. She doesn’t fucking care about me, or us, at all.

I’d better call that lawyer.

2016-08-28 Sun 11:14

If it was over when I cheated on her, then WHY THE FUCK DID WE TRY TO GET PREGNANT.

She’s being such a selfish bitch right now. She’s not making this easier for us, she’s only making this easier for herself. Acting as though this is already over, as if all she needs is some fucking papers and I’m gone forever. Fuck that.

Why have I been so goddamned conciliatory towards a woman who would do this to me? Why the fuck should I not be in my own house? It’s not my fucking problem that she feels we can’t be there together, or that she thinks she has noplace else to go. Not being willing to work through anything is her goddamned decision, not mine. I can barely fucking wait to hear how she plans to cover my half of the house, if she wants it so badly, or better yet, how she thinks she’s going to afford it at all. Because she’s so fucking great at holding a full-time position long enough. Because she so very much wants to. The whole goddamn point to my career was putting myself into a place where I could afford the house and the bills so she wouldn’t have to. If anyone’s in a position to keep the place, it’s me. Just because she doesn’t want that, doesn’t make it any less of a reality.

I’m fucking sick of her thinking she can dictate all of this, as if she’s the only one wronged. It really does take two. She’s far from fucking perfect, she’s hurt me plenty, too. She never cared how I was doing, or whether I was making any progress. She was content instead to sit and resolve not to trust me anymore, or worse, to think that I still needed changing, and that having a fucking baby would do it. I went into having a baby knowing I was a different man than before, knowing that I have the tools now to be a better person, husband, and father. She was fucking gambling with it. She gambled with a child. If what I did makes me a monster, then at least I’m not alone.

I gave her Mike Cipressi’s number. Fuck it. If she wants to deal with anything, she’s welcome to get it started. She’s acting as though she can take everything on her own shoulders anyway.

Fuck.

She’s had all this time to think and work on herself. I don’t think she’s used a minute of it to do so. If she can’t find it in herself to at least work with me, then, who knows. Maybe I really do deserve better.

2016-08-28 Sun 19:51

Aunt Michelle’s engagement party was nice. Aunt Maryann was there, with Cheryl, and also Jimmy with his wife and little girl. It’s the first time I’ve seen him in I don’t know how long, probably close to 20 years. I’m glad they’re hanging out with the family again.

Jen texted me:

Btw I am free Tuesday if you want to come over to discuss finances

I didn’t even bother responding. There’s no point. I wasn’t planning to give her the option of me not coming over. I’m sort of tempted to not even fucking leave when I show up, see how that goes. At the very least, if that lawn isn’t mowed, I’m cutting the damn thing. If she hasn’t taken care of it by now, then fuck it, I’m cutting my lawn.

I plan to head over there Tuesday and take pictures of everything in the house. I want to know where everything is, including whatever she’s hidden away in boxes by now. I’ll let her run the show a little at first. I know she doesn’t plan to be unfair, but I’m not going to agree to anything right off the bat. Before I leave, I intend to ask her how she expects to split the value of the house. I honestly don’t know how it’d even be possible. To be honest, I don’t know how I’d do it,… all I know is I’m in better shape for paying for it going forward. I don’t really want to go so far as to threaten her on it, but I really don’t think it’s in her best interest to keep the house. Also, I’m kind of reluctant to part with my home. She never intended to stay there forever in the first place. From the some of the things I’ve been reading, she’ll likely lose more money selling it alone later down the line with taxes anyway.

2016-08-28 Sun 23:28

Today’s daily tarot was the upright wheel of fortune card. It’s reassuring. I’ve been pinned by it for too long, feeling ground to a halt. It’s time I moved with it, grabbed ahold tightly, and let the change come.

It’s time to spin.

2016-08-29 Mon 09:30

I’m still a little hung up on Jen saying she’s “free” on Tuesday. As if she’d have other plans on a weeknight.

Got a good bit of work to finish up today, and I should also call USAA and the divorce lawyer, and get new bank accounts set up. Maybe taking this seriously will be good for me, too. Maybe seeing things start happening will spark something in her, who knows. Should be a big couple of days.

Also, the lawn still hasn’t been cut, so… there’s that.

2016-08-30 Tue 00:36

Had a good night at therapy and at the meeting tonight. Talked through what I’ve been dealing with this past week, and what I have to do tomorrow. I think I’m on the right path, moving forward with things. I’ve got to watch out tomorrow to make sure I don’t get too emotional there, and don’t get into a discussion about feelings. Tomorrow’s about figuring out finances, and figuring out division of property. As much as I want to sit down and have a talk about us and the divorce itself, that really is a discussion best left for another time, probably with a therapist around.

I don’t want to open with it, but there’s a couple of things I want to bring up tomorrow. I want to know how we’re going to handle the house itself, given that it’s a huge investment we’re partners in, and splitting it won’t be easy. I also want to know what’s up with the lawn. If she’s not having any luck getting someone to cut it, I really feel I need to take care of it. I’ve got to remind her that it’s still my house, too, and I’m allowed to take care of it, and I’m allowed into it, though, that’s not something I’m going to press on at the moment. As much as I’m going to want to head upstairs, clear off the guest bed, and just lie there all night because I can, doesn’t mean that’s a productive way to make my point. I don’t want to start a war, I just want to start working together to make this work in a way that respects both of us. No one person gets to dictate how this plays out.

I’m going to try to remember to call the divorce lawyer tomorrow. With any luck, I’ll be able to get a little advice before I show up at the house tomorrow. It might be good to learn a bit about what the mediator actually does for us, too.

I’m trying to let change happen, and go with it, and take care of what I can. I am a part of this too, after all. Either she’ll change her mind, and it’ll stop, or she won’t, and it won’t be stalled any longer. Here’s hoping we can both succeed in being calm and mature about all of this. If it starts getting bad, I’ll have to make sure I leave. There are professionals that can help with these things if we can’t handle it ourselves.

2016-08-30 Tue 15:39

Got ahold of Cathy, and set up an initial consultation next Tuesday afternoon. She says I should expect an email to confirm within a day or so, with a questionnaire and some basic information. I hope Jen doesn’t get nervous just because I’m talking to a lawyer, but it’s what I need to be doing right now.

I’m getting nervous about tonight. I don’t know if it’ll be calm and awkward, or if it’ll get messy, or both. I don’t know what to expect. I’m sure it won’t go well if our feelings start bubbling up.

I’m really upset that she won’t work through this. I understand why she won’t, or can’t. She’s been cheated on before, and it sounded bad. It’s no surprise trust is so hard for her. She’s said she doesn’t even trust that her father has given her the full truth of the things he’s done. I’ve broken her trust, too, and in the worst possible ways. I wish I could help her somehow, but this is all I can do. I’ve got to move forward, and trust that it’s the right thing for us both somehow. She needs to discover trust on her own terms, and I need someone who’ll work with me and accept me, mistakes, flaws, quirks and all. It’s really, really sad, but she might not be that someone. There was so much happiness, there really was, but there were problems too. Problems neither of us were facing. I ended up doing some terrible things while trying to cope with them. I can at least learn from those mistakes, take responsibility for the pain they caused, and try to move forward. If she can’t get past what happened, then I’ve got to go on without her. I’ve got to figure out what I need, financially and emotionally.

Tonight’s going to be really hard, but I can do it, I think. Nothing needs to be decided tonight. We’re only just starting to deal with this. It’ll be ok. I’ll be ok.

2016-08-30 Tue 18:27

Taking myself out to dinner at the Brick House before seeing Jen. Great excuse not to drive over early and hover. Also gives me a little time to collect my thoughts, and be close by enough that I won’t lose them by the time I get over there. The moscow mule doesn’t hurt either, and a full stomach will be good.

2016-08-30 Tue 18:40

“Jenny (867-5309)” is playing on the radio in the restaurant. Goo Goo Dolls’ “Slide” played before it. If it had been “Iris” instead, I’d be completely losing my shit right now. Not in a bad way, but, still. Crazy.

2016-08-30 Tue 18:43

And now “Gimme Shelter”, which I’ve listened to an awful lot through this. Either the universe is giving me power, or I’m truly going mad.

2016-08-30 Tue 19:16

The lawn has been cut. So, that’s a plus. The landscapers haven’t been in touch, so Jen’s considering having the same guy handle that, too, though it may end up being too expensive to do all of it.

2016-08-30 Tue 21:29

Good grief, what an exhausting way to spend an evening. It stayed civil, mostly. There’s definitely some trust issues to deal with. She seems taken a bit aback that I don’t fully trust her anymore, and I think with me feeling that way, that she’s starting to wonder if she trusts me with things either. That only feels natural, though. After all, we’re ending a partnership, because of trust issues. I need to feel safe, and I can’t expect to get it from her. The same goes for her, too. If she’s only just realizing that, well, good. Maybe reality will sink in just a little bit more.

I know she’s not going to do anything bad, and I won’t either. Honestly, it’s in both our best interests that we don’t. If it ends up getting ugly, then it risks getting real ugly. Lose all our money and the house ugly. The emotions that are behind this… if they start running the show, all bets are off. Thankfully, I was able to keep them in check, save for a slight remark and a glare. So, she knows there are feelings there, feelings she might not agree with. But, I didn’t let them start a hurtful conversation. Instead, I simply told her, I’m not discussing feelings here, I’m not going into that stuff without a therapist present.

We were both pretty uncomfortable when we wrapped up, so I simply said we’re done. I hugged Zero for a few minutes, which was really nice. He cuddled back, and wasn’t in any hurry to get away or anything. Myles was really happy to see me when I showed up, too. I ended up getting some more clothes from Jen. I also risked asking if I could have one of the pictures of us, since she obviously didn’t want them anymore. She ended up giving me a pile of photos she had downstairs, including a couple of my nieces. I’m glad I have them. I still love her, and I still cherish our memories together. I know that’ll never change. No matter how upset or angry I get with her, I’ll still love her. But, it’s over.

If there’s any part of her that does care about my feelings, or how I’m doing through all this, she’s doing a damned good job of keeping it hidden, and doing a damned good job of keeping everything in the house that reminds her of me tucked away or erased. So, yeah. It’s over. I think I’m finally starting to accept that. Because, like I wrote before… I deserve someone that’ll want to work for me. And she doesn’t. She hasn’t. And she’s working good and hard at seeing that everything we had is behind her now.

I miss her dearly, but it’s over. It’s time to move on.

2016-08-30 Tue 22:09

It’s unfair for me to say she’s unfeeling. She is feeling a lot. I could see it in her face the whole time we were going over stuff, that she was probably fighting back tears through most of it. This is extremely hard for her too. This is extremely hard for both of us.

2016-08-30 Tue 22:23

I swiped my fake breasts while I was at the house, in the office, waiting for Jen to come down with the clothes I left upstairs. I have them on now, and it just feels nice. Like reuniting with a long-lost safety blanket. I have no urge whatsoever to act out with them, nor am I feeling sexually charged in any way. I just feel a little bit happier having them back. A little bit more… whole. I guess any silly thing that makes me feel a bit more like, well, me, goes a long way. Much like the Totoro neck pillow I brought when I first left the house. It’s something of mine that makes me genuinely happy. Totoro, because he’s comfy and cute, and these, because I just feel so joyful and at ease with them on.

It seems really silly, and even a bit risky considering my history with crossdressing, but that’s the way I’m feeling right now. I’m not even crossdressing, I didn’t bring any of my clothes with me, I’m just wearing them under a normal shirt, and enjoying the weight and the feeling of them being there, the sports bra snug around me, and the breasts being an extension of me.

2016-08-31 Wed 14:31

Every day is a chore. Managed to get my ass up early enough to get a shower this morning. Spent my lunch break eating my leftovers from yesterday, and splitting the money evenly in our bank accounts. I emailed Jen a breakdown of what I did, and asked what we’re going to do about paychecks until the divorce is final. I’m also going to have to go through everything I have that’s being paid for off one of our credit cards, and get them switched over to something of mine.

God, I wish she could see that this doesn’t have to be this way. Her distrust doesn’t have to last forever. We could still save this, I feel. But she probably doesn’t agree, certainly not now.

I just saw a review for a co-op cooking game that looks really fun, but only really works with someone else local to play it with. It looks like something we could’ve had a lot of fun playing together, which isn’t something I find very often. Doesn’t look like that’s ever going to happen, though.

2016-08-31 Wed 19:08

I took a walk this afternoon for about half an hour to clear my head a bit. I had a thought to list off a lot of my thoughts and feelings, and organize them a bit. I had the idea to stress that they were just thoughts and feelings, by starting each with “I feel”, or “I make up”. I ended up spending an hour and a half at the end of the workday doing that. I also had a notion to cross-reference some of them with my journal, though, who knows.

Angie was very kind as I left, and offered her cell phone number in case I needed anything at all.

As I was driving home, Jen texted me to let me know she’d left my loot crate on the steps. I thanked her, and picked it up. When I got there, I noticed something else sitting on the stairs, a bag of some kind. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I assumed it’d be something painful. Maybe it was more of the pictures she wanted to get rid of. Turns out, when I got up there and saw it, it had a note on it:

Cor -

Snacks + Drinks. Take care of yourself.

– Jen

I thanked her for the care package, and told her it was very thoughtful. On closer inspection, it’s turned out to be an assortment of old snacks and things (most of which are past their expiration dates), the partly finished 2-liter of coke I had in the fridge, as well as the unfinished bottle of ginger liquor that was in there with it. So, it may have just been her cleaning out some stuff from the fridge and cabinets of mine that she didn’t want, but, still, it was a nice thought. She could have (and in some cases, maybe should have) thrown it away, but she put it in a bag for me instead, knowing I’d be coming by to pick stuff up.

I don’t really know how she does it. She keeps doing little things like this, that show she still cares about me, and how I’m doing. It’s so hard for me to reconcile that with the fact that our life together is ending, but that’s what it is. She can still care about me, but not be able to live with me. She can still love me, but need to be apart from me. I get tripped up, thinking maybe it’s a sign of hope, but it likely isn’t. It’s just her being the loving person I know she is, even in the face of all that’s happened. I feel like such a fool for having lost her. I’ve long felt like I don’t deserve all the love she has to offer. I still feel that way. I’ll try to keep taking care of myself. I don’t have a whole lot else to do, anyway.

2016-09-01 Thu 07:34

Damnit, I wish I could wake up not feeling like shit. Waking up alone is just terrible. Every morning is a struggle to even move, let alone get up, washed, and out to work. I just want to sleep through the week. Maybe the month. I just want to sleep until I find the will to go on.

I wrote a couple affirmations on the little dry-erase board that came in the loot crate. Maybe I need to think of better ones.

2016-09-01 Thu 09:39

I just wish everything could start over. I wish we could meet each other anew, as we are now, and learn to love and trust each other with the maturity we’ve gained over the years. I wish we could have each other.

2016-09-01 Thu 11:50

I miss leftovers. Having to head out to go buy lunch every day is exhausting, and is never as good as a home-cooked meal.

2016-09-01 Thu 18:23

Now, I’m in no rush to leave the office. The house is basically empty til mom finishes her classes. I had a one-on-one meeting with Mike scheduled at 2, but that didn’t happen. I suggested we could just do it after work at Iron Abbey, but he hasn’t gotten back to me on that.

I feel stuck again. I’ve done what I could with the bank accounts and things. I’m not sure what to do next. Jen hasn’t responded to my emails about what I’ve done so far. For all I know, we won’t have any significant contact again until she leaves for California next week. Thanks to the holiday, I won’t have therapy until next Friday. There’ll be meetings on the weekend, I should go to those, at least. It’s going to be a really hard week without some way of working through this sadness. I’ve got absolutely no plans. I need some.

2016-09-02 Fri 07:41

Waiting now for my latest “brilliant” plan to backfire. I spent some time after work yesterday reading articles on sexual addiction from a partner’s perspective. A handful of them were pretty good, and pretty relevant, I thought. So I emailed them to Jen, hoping they’d help her cope, and find ways to let herself heal. I expect she’s going to think I’m trying to convince her to forgive me and call off the divorce. I can’t say I don’t want that, but it is important that she deal with this stuff, with or without me.

It’s Friday, so at least I’ll have a break from struggling at work for a couple days. Without plans, I think I may just go to a lot of meetings this weekend. It’s a better idea than just sitting around.

Today’s daily tarot is an upright Death. So, that’s ominous, but it does at least signal progress, and moving on, leaving something behind. It’s not a card about being stuck.

I tweaked my dry-erase affirmations before going to sleep last night to be “I” statements instead of “You”, which does make them better, I think. I also added to “I am loved!” to also say “, and I love me”. That part is really important, after all. I do love me. I don’t hate myself, just because I’ve done some things that I hate. I love myself, and I’m doing a good job of learning and recovering from my mistakes. There’s a lot about myself that’s worth loving, so I’m going to focus on that today. Today can be a good day. It will be a good day.

2016-09-02 Fri 12:02

Jen emailed me this morning, but it was only to say she paid off the debt on the BarclayCard, and to ask me to transfer some money over to cover my half of it, minus what her half of the air conditioner debt is. So, there goes more money. At least the debt is gone.

Alex sent an email out to all of us saying we can leave anytime after noon today to start the holiday weekend. Honestly, the last thing I needed today was more alone time.

2016-09-02 Fri 20:31

Wasn’t expecting to stay at work so late, but Josh and Jay were still going, so I stuck around and helped out. We managed to get some good work done. I probably should’ve eaten my lunch after all.

Ended up killing some time walking around the mall, then hit wawa for a snack and waited for tonight’s meeting to start. It was good, and I think it helped. I’m just feeling so alone, lately. I still can’t cope with the fact that my marriage is over. Part of me still feels like I’m just letting it happen, as if I could somehow just go tell Jen how much I still love her, and how much I’m working on myself, and how if we could only start working on us together that our lives don’t have to fall apart this way. I do feel like I need to say that at some point, but I don’t know when. Maybe I don’t need to, or maybe I don’t get to even if I do. Maybe she never wants to forgive me. I don’t get why she left me that care package. Why bother trying to be nice, while also telling me we can never be together again? What’s the point? To give me something to latch onto, to hope for, only so it’ll get crushed anyway, because nothings changing? I know she wouldn’t intend that, and she probably just did it because it seemed a nice thing to do, probably just as she was clearing shit out of the fridge. Still, I wish she hadn’t bothered. If this isn’t going to go away, I’d rather not have her bothering to be nice. Because not wanting to even try to trust me again, not wanting to work through anything with me? Not having worked through anything with me so far? That’s not nice. That’s brutal. If she still cares, but can’t or won’t try to make this work, she’d be far more merciful to leave me be, or just be mean. At least if she were mean, I’d know there’s no hope. I’d prefer that over wishful thinking. That’d be kinder. I don’t need her telling me how hard this is for her, if she doesn’t care enough to do anything about it. I get that she’s hurt, and that her life is falling apart, but it’s not like I’m sitting here, glad for it to be over. It’s fucking hard for me, too. I never wanted this. I never intended this to happen. I’ve been working hard to never let what happened happen again, and I’m not going to stop. The fact that she doesn’t care what I do isn’t stopping me from taking care of myself. I’m working hard, and I’m going to keep working hard. If she doesn’t want to reap any of the benefits of me being a better person, then that’s on her. If she doesn’t want to work to heal herself, that’s on her. If our marriage isn’t good enough for her to feel it’s worth saving, and I believe it can be saved,… well… I don’t know. I don’t know what to do anymore. All I can do is hurt right now, and work through it. It is fucking miserable, lonely business, but it is what it fucking is.

2016-09-04 Sun 08:32

I’m in fucking agony.

I didn’t leave this bed once yesterday. Not even to go to the bathroom, which wasn’t an issue because I wasn’t drinking anything.

Jen texted me at 10:04 yesterday morning:

I hope you have a good holiday weekend

And.. well, it just set me off.

This weekend is challenging enough. With my therapist on vacation, I’m trying to last two weeks without support, outside of meetings, which really don’t do that much good. All I can do there is share for three minutes, and maybe get a tiny bit of support from someone as we’re leaving, because that’s just how the format of the meetings work.

I ended up texting her throughout the day. I told her I miss her. She says she misses what we had. I don’t really believe her. She says she’s sorry “that it happened the way it did”. That sounds like vague bullshit. She says the trust is gone forever, but isn’t that just because she doesn’t fucking care enough to try to rebuild it? I’ve spent the past year and a half not having anything to hide anymore, but that clearly didn’t change anything. I don’t even know if she fucking noticed. She keeps claiming she tried to work on us, citing the marriage counselling again. That’s such bullshit. We did a few weeks of counselling. That’s barely enough time to even go over the problems. Nothing got solved in there. Nothing even got close. All that happened is I found my own therapist, and have been working on myself all this time, while she just fucking sat there and waited for things to magically get better. And she says she’s fucking sorry.

Sorry, I guess, for not giving a shit. Sorry, for not finding our marriage to be worth any real effort on her part. Sorry, for trying to fix us by burying her feelings and trying to have a baby anyway. Sorry.

Maybe if you had told me back then you cheated on me I would have realized how bad things were

But either way I am sorry that the damage is done

I really am

FUCK that. All that tells me is that she never intended to fix anything, that I’m not worth it to her. All I see her being sorry for is not having any fucking concern for us. She wants the damage to just sit there. She doesn’t want to heal. She just wants to keep feeling bad for herself, rather than even face the possibility that I’m not just some evil fuck that cheated on her to hurt her.

Bullshit she misses what we had. Maybe she does, but so what. It obviously doesn’t matter to her. She abandoned me when we lost our baby. Then she kicked me out of the house. She felt conflicted, because she never trusted that I hadn’t cheated on her. She expected that I probably had. I could have kept lying. I didn’t. I told her the truth. She tells me maybe if I hadn’t, that she could’ve worked through it. More bullshit. If not knowing drove her away, then how the fuck does she think she’d have gone on with me continuing to say I hadn’t? She didn’t trust me. She’d never believe I was honest. So, the fuck did I have to lose by coming clean? She obviously wanted to leave for a long time, and used the pain of the miscarriage as her excuse to throw me away the same way she got rid of a dead fetus. Because it’s just easier to discard me than it is to actually talk to me. It doesn’t matter what I do to try to help rebuild trust, because she never intended to have it restored. She still doesn’t. She’s more comfortable believing it’s lost forever, and there’s nothing to be done. Because doing something about it means putting in effort, and she can’t be fucking bothered. She’d rather throw me away, through away everything we had, than even try.

I thought she was better than that. I deserve better than that. She deserves better than that, but she won’t listen to me. To her, my love is merely desperate and selfish. She won’t see it for what it is. She won’t believe I’m genuinely concerned for her, because that’s what a husband would do, and she doesn’t see me as a husband anymore. She won’t. She absolutely refuses to.

I don’t know what her plan is for getting over all of this without me. I’m sure she doesn’t even have one. Maybe she thinks this’ll all just go away when I’m out of her life. It won’t. She never fully trusted me. She’ll never fully trust anyone, if she never faces why, or never lets herself trust.

She’s just “sorry”.

2016-09-04 Sun 23:59

Today turned out pretty good. I got out of the house. I had to, I scared myself yesterday. Who stays in bed and takes such poor care of themselves that they don’t even drink enough liquids to have to get out of bed to pee?

I was resolved to go out and get breakfast/brunch on my own, but mom was around to go with me. And so we did. We went to IHOP, had a nice breakfast. Afterwards, I had the idea to head down with her to the Keswick bicycle shop. I got myself a nice road bike. I took it for a test ride. I was shaky at first (it’s been 16 years, after all), but it felt great. The weather was wonderful, too. We ended up stopping at Classic Game Junkie before heading home, and I grabbed an SFC super baseball 2020 cart, and a new Xbox 360.

Took a ride after we got home. Managed to bike my way all the way to our house, and collapsed in my chair on the back porch for a while. Jen was out, presumably seeing her dad and Sarbani for most of the day. I didn’t bother going in, I just relaxed, caught my breath, and let my heart slow down before eventually heading back. It was quite a first ride. The hills weren’t steep, but they still stopped my legs a few times. Coasting down those tiny slopes, though, that felt amazing, with the wind pushing past me, and that bike flying along. I’m glad I bought it. My butt’s a little sore, and my legs were like jello for a bit, but it was great.

I made my Sunday night meeting, and that was good for me, too. I’ve been having a really hard time, and it’s good to remember I’m not alone. It sucks that Jen still wants the divorce, and it sucks that I don’t get a say in any of it. It crippled me, yesterday. But, I was able to get out, do some cool stuff for myself, and I’m feeling better today. Still hurt emotionally, but better. I can see a sliver of hope for myself again, and that means a lot. Jen was surprised to hear I bought a bike. I kind of liked that, too.

I’ve been feeling low, like I’m losing so much of myself in all of this. But, I’m going to bed with a slightly different thought in my mind. While it feels I’ve nearly got nothing left to lose, well, that just means I have everything to gain. And, you know what, I feel a bit sad for Jen that she won’t get to see what I’ll become. Buying that bike feels a bit like I"m finally starting to find my new identity, breaking free of who I was before, even if that means breaking free of who I was with her. I may not be far along in my recovery, but I’m recovering. And my recovery belongs to me, not to her. And biking feels good. Feeling the cool breeze on me as I rode along took me back to how much I enjoyed riding all those years ago, and that joy belongs to me, and me alone, too. After all, she never wanted to learn.

I found a piece of myself today. A piece both new and long forgotten. I felt joy, today. This divorce isn’t going to get any easier, and I’ll probably still fall apart when the time finally comes to make our split official. And I"ll probably feel terrible that day. I’ll be surprised if I don’t throw up when I go to sign the papers. But, for all I’ll lose,… there’s still a me that’ll live on. It won’t be easy, but there’ll still be something there, something that can keep recovering, and growing, and maybe someday turn out to be a far stronger me than I’ve ever known before. And that’s an awesome thing to look forward to. It means I’ll survive. It means I still have reasons to be proud of myself, that I can still do things to better myself, and feel better doing them. I can come out of this ok. I just have to keep having faith that I’ll make it. I’ll do more than just make it. I’ll make myself a new man. I’m already on my way. She can quit on me if she needs to. I’ll be ok so long as I don’t quit on me, too.

2016-09-05 Mon 19:55

Not a bad day. Slept in. Spent the afternoon with Jason, hanging out in the pool, then watching Battle Bots and IT Crowd. Still feels wrong to not come home to my own house. At least I got out.

2016-09-07 Wed 19:00

I feel like I should start dumping my emails into this journal. It seems the more time I spend writing them, the less I write in here.

Yesterday went pretty ok. Took my bike with me to work, rode it around the parking lot at lunch. Left a little after 2 to go meet with Cathy at 3 for my consultation. It went well, she filled me in on how divorce law works. Before I left, Jen sent me an email asking for me to fill her in on whatever came of my consultation, and talked about how she needs to move forward with the divorce, and what she feels she needs in someone. I told her I would, and again suggested the therapist. She didn’t seem to understand what there is to talk about.

I filled her in on how the consultation went, and chatted about what her attorney was going to do. It sounded a lot less like mediation, and a lot like just filing the divorce complaint. I’m going to get a quote from Cathy to see how her rates compare. After finishing up with work for the day, I ended up taking another ride on my bike around town, which did a good job at getting my head out of the divorce for a while.

Later that night, though, I ended up emailing Jen again, addressing some of the points she’d made in her earlier email. I broke down how I’ve been working at things, and how the honesty she’s after isn’t an easy thing. I told her how much it hurts that she’s just giving up on me, without ever having really tried to make anything work.

She responded back, saying the lies never stopped, that she doesn’t think I’d ever be happy with just one woman, or maybe a woman at all.

There was also this (emphasis mine):

… it started with one thing and then I just constantly caught you in the beginning until you slept with a guy twice (why did you even stop?) …

Her perception of what happened and why is just so warped. Which maybe shouldn’t be as surprising as it is,… it’s not like she ever asked what I was feeling, or why I did what I did, or even wondered what I was working through with all my therapy and meetings. She’s built up her own explanations in her own head, and that’s what she’s basing all of her decisions off of. That email left me stunned, upset, and a bit angry. I replied, of course. I told her all about what I’ve been struggling with. I told her she hasn’t bothered working with me to understand what happened. I told her she doesn’t understand addiction at all, because I really believe she doesn’t. I followed up with yet another email this morning, since she hadn’t replied yet, going into further detail on what’s been bothering me throughout the relationship, talking about how I never felt safe opening up to her, and why. I told her about how I used crossdressing and later sexual attention as a coping mechanism, to get what I wasn’t getting out of the marriage. I talked about my frustrations with feeling and appearing effeminate, even though my sex drive doesn’t match it. I talked about my insecurities with women, and how I found men to be easy targets for the rush I was after. I told her all about the shame of it, how it hurt me too, so she could understand why I did stop.

Lastly, I told her how I’m breaking that addictive cycle, how I have a safe place at group, and how, still, I lack a safe place at home. I really wanted her to know all this, because she’s leaving me, and she doesn’t even know, or care to know. I told her again how I feel divorce is the only thing she’s been readying herself for, and that’s the reason I’m able to accept the divorce. Because it’s apparent that a divorce is all she’ll want, it’s all her behavior has suggested she’ll do.

I don’t know if she’ll respond at all. She hasn’t responded before when I called her out on stuff. Maybe she’s not even reading it, I don’t know. She’s been doing a great job of ignoring everything I put out there so far, that isn’t directly related to progressing the divorce. At least I tried, and at least i’m making progress on myself, finding ways to feel better about myself so I have the strength to move on. Because I have to move forward, too.

2016-09-08 Thu 06:43

05:06 Correl

Need a hand with your suitcase?

05:09 Jennifer

Nope

05:09 Jennifer

Myles will need food and Zero probably will too if you don’t mind grabbing some at some point

05:10 Correl

Sure.

That was my entire exchange with Jen this morning. At around 5:20, I saw her look out the window, presumably to see if I was there. At 5:25, I got out of the car, and waited by the signpost across the street from the house. At 5:30, she came out the door. She was not alone.

Whoever it was helped her load her bag into her car, they stood close, talking for a moment, then she got into her car, and he crossed the street, clearly the owner of the silver car that was parked next to me in the dog park parking lot. They both drove off, not a word or second glance to me from either of them.

And that’s it. I’m here, now, alone in my own house. I didn’t think it was even possible, but it would seem she’s been having guys over. I don’t even know how I feel right now. Hurt, obviously. A bit angry. I mean, why did she even tell me when she was planning to leave?

I don’t know what to do right now. I sent texts out to the guys from group, and I’ve been texting my mother. I tried texting Jen’s dad, but it seems he’s ignoring me, too. Or he’s busy driving her,… I guess I don’t really know. I’ve only heard from mom, so far.

I want to head into work today, I don’t want to let anyone there down. Josh will be out for a couple days, so we should sync up. Jay is excited to have me as a jogging companion this afternoon. I think I’ll be better off if I can manage to head in, today.

2016-09-08 Thu 16:00

I was about to dive into the email she sent me earlier, but first, one thing. I don’t have to wonder what she was doing with that guy. I know she fucked him. I saw the used condom in the bathroom trash.

Now, that email. That she cowardly sent after a long silence, since there’s no way in hell I was going to be the first to say something.

I have been sitting here waiting for some kind of backlash from you. Wondering if I should say something or wait for you to. Scared of what I might come home to if you will be angry or upset,…

Worried about herself first, of course. I’m glad she at least realizes there’s something for me to be angry and upset about.

… you go back and forth between the two a lot.

I bet I do, and I’m completely justified in feeling both. It’s as though she can’t comprehend I could feel both simultaneously.

part of me says it doesn’t matter the other part of me is worried about you.

Well, at least I’m in there, somewhere. Sort of. Nice to hear she’s on the fence about giving a shit about my feelings.

The things you said in your email yesterday really upset me and it was like 8 years of your dissatisfaction with me coming down all at once. After all of the times I asked you if there was anything i could improve on for myself. I have always been so confident in who I am as a person and my personality and you made me put all of that onto question. That maybe I am just never going to find someone and never have what I thought we once had.

Good. Missed the point just a little, but I’m glad she at least heard what I was saying. It’s not dissatisfaction, though. It’s just things we should have been talking about the whole time. Which is why it’s all pouring out now. It sucks that she’s questioning herself now, but that was sort of the point. She’s been acting blameless this whole time, she deserves to know there are imperfections on both sides.

Let me just make some things clear. For one - when I talked about your unmasculine qualities I am not talking about you being skinny or not growing hair. I am talking about you shaving or waxing your legs and making your hair long. You are a very good looking guy and you don’t play off of it - it’s like you gave up on attracting women so you started to change your look to attract men. Also I don’t know how you can sleep with men and say you like penises and say you don’t like men. It’s essentially the definition of liking men.

That’s a lot of words without a lot to unpack from it. She can’t for the life of her see how I don’t actually like guys. That’s her problem, though. She doesn’t get to pretend I’m gay just to save her own self-image.

It is nice, though, to hear her say I am a good-looking guy. I very rarely think so, which is my problem. One of them, anyway. My goal isn’t to attract men, though. At least, not anymore.

You have put into your mind that women aren’t into you but the difference between men and women is men are more likely to pursue and be aggressive. That seems to be what you want and need. It’s not that women aren’t into you because they are - it’s that you don’t want to be rejected by women or actively go after them.

There’s probably a lot of truth in that. I do have that problem, and I am passive.

Secondly - I tried. Don’t act like for a moment I didn’t try. We went to the counselor multiple times and I tried but you never opened up or wanted to open up it was like banging my head on a wall. I tried - I would try to ask you if you wanted to talk or had something to say but you never did. What was I supposed to do? Tell me what I was suppose to do.

I wish I could believe that, but she only really tried the few times things were bad, and never for very long. She always seems to think things can be resolved quickly.

Trying to ask me to talk by shutting off the TV mid-show, or pouncing on me after dinner, staring me in the eye uncomfortably, and saying “Do you have anything you want to talk about?” isn’t my idea of starting a difficult conversation. It feels a lot more like an attack – something we discussed in couple’s counseling, that apparently didn’t sink in.

Most of the time I was happy with you and I thought that was good enough.

Being happy together, unfortunately, is such a small part of a relationship. There’s far more emotions to be shared than joy alone.

I thought that once we had a baby and I stopped working in would get over you never doing stuff around the house because I could make it my job.

That doesn’t seem like much of a solution. She’s upset that she’s responsible for everything, so her idea is, let’s have a baby so I can be responsible for all of that, plus, you know, a baby? Not a great plan.

I thought that the fun we had and the things we had in common were enough.

It’s what we don’t have in common, our separate individual feelings, and sharing those, that’s what’s important. Things in common are just icing. Those are the easy things to share, and they’re only the tip of the iceberg.

When I had the miscarriage my mind was in whirl and I was so depressed I wasn’t thinking straight. I knew that there were aspects I was unhappy with but I wasn’t sure what I wanted. The more I thought about it the more I realised things about myself. Like that I was unhappy with how passive you are. I was unhappy with how I never got any help with anything. Unhappy with how our sex lives and how you were so timid. Unhappy with how you didn’t take care of your teeth.

I’m not convinced she’s out of that depressed whirl yet. I’m glad she’s thinking through what bothered her, but she still wasn’t talking about it. We could’ve worked through those things. Hell, unhappy with our sex lives? She’s the one who kept saying we didn’t have one because she couldn’t control her libido. So much for that.

But the end for me was when you said you slept with someone else. That was the point of no return. Do you have any idea how betrayed i feel? How can you ask me to forgive that?

This, I can’t argue with. Obviously. I don’t expect her to ever forgive what I did. I only hoped she could forgive me. And, yeah, also there’s the fact that yes, now, undeniably, I’m intimately familiar with that sort of betrayal.

Love isn’t enough times - no matter how much I wish I was

That’s why there’s supposed to be so much more. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, of two people supporting each other in good times and bad. Love will ebb and flow. People have gotten through far worse, and come out far stronger for the effort.

I am boarding my plane now Take care Jen

Good way to ensure she doesn’t have to cope with any replies right away.

It’s just an email signature, I know, but at least she said “Take care”. I’ll take it.

2016-09-08 Thu 16:21

I sent her a couple messages on Facebook.

14:15 Correl

I’m so disgusted right now with the idea that I was talking to you on here last night, while you were probably with him. Thanks oh so much for enlightening me to the feeling.

15:58 Correl

Call me when you’re settled in. We need to talk. With our voices. On the phone.

I finally got a response.

16:11 Jen

Ok

16:12 Correl

Thank you. (Seen @ 16:15)

2016-09-08 Thu 23:54

Jen and I talked for a while. There’s a lot to talk about. I think she at least gets that, now. She wasn’t very apologetic about sleeping with that guy, though. But, still, at least we’re finally talking. I guess that could be a silver lining to all this. It took being apart, but we’re finally opening up to each other. Even if that’s all it ends up being, that’s still a lot.

I’ve been having a really hard time here at the house. I keep imagining her here, having sex with some guy. It’s really hard to cope with. She barely even wanted to sleep with me, but here she is, fucking some stranger, after just, what, a couple weeks? I’m trying really hard to not think about it, but I’m not doing a great job. What has this asshole got that I don’t? Why is she so quick to fuck him, when sex with me is a non-starter? This guy is being supportive? Helping her? By fucking her while she’s married, and the divorce hasn’t even gotten started yet? I really fail to see how fucking a man’s wife before a divorce is good for anyone involved. I don’t know what I’m going to do, anymore. I called Cathy and left a voicemail. Maybe there’ll be some useful legal advice for me. Maybe I just need to get this thing started, and start it on my terms. Hey, it’s not final until it’s final, so why the hell not. I’m still mulling over whether or not I’m even going to leave the house. If she’s going to continue a relationship with this guy, I’m really not comfortable with it happening in our house. Not while it’s still ours. She can take that shit someplace else. I might be able to trust her not to mess with things, but I sure as hell can’t trust a guy that’s fucking my wife. What kind of problems has that guy got, that he thinks that’s ok? I don’t want him here. At all. If she wants him, she can find somewhere else to do it. Will me saying all that start some terrible fight? I don’t know. I don’t know if I should care. I shouldn’t have to be pushed out of my home, just so she can use it as her own little pre-bachelorette pad, inviting people I don’t trust into a house I own, that’s full of my things. I just can’t. She’s just going to have to come to terms with that. Fuck that guy. I’m not going to let that asshole ruin my shot at a decent night’s sleep on my own fucking bed, just because he got his dick wet on it. Fucking scumbag. I’m far more pissed off at him than I am at Jen. At least last we texted she seemed to feel bad for what happened. Maybe she even meant it.

I think I’m going to take off work tomorrow. I’ll be surprised if I feel up to dealing with it, on top of everything else. I’d rather just get some bike riding in, hang out with mom, and take care of myself instead. Because right now, I need a lot of care. An awful lot.

There’s a voice in the back of my head telling me I should just get someone to come over here, and have sex with them in my bed. I know that’s not a good plan. It’s obviously the addict in me wanting to go ballistic on this situation. Shit, I almost feel like I could find a woman to come back here with me. Hell, I really want to. But I won’t. That’s a quick trip to a far worse time, and fuck if things aren’t bad enough.

2016-09-09 Fri 05:44

I woke up early, and I woke up angry, and I woke up horny.

I’m in our goddamn bed, sleeping on top of my goddamn blanket, and I’m pissed at her. I’m pissed at her for thinking she can just go around fucking someone else, in our bed. Why should I be miserable because she went and did something like that? She called me timid? I guess I shouldn’t have been so fucking compassionate, then.

I want to get her ass up here, blindfold her and force her to face away, because she doesn’t fucking deserve to see me naked, and fuck her hard. Fuck her for my pleasure, not for hers. If she wants to see me, maybe I’ll lift the blindfold so she can stare at a wedding photo while I fuck her from behind. And when I finish, I’ll leave her covered in my mess, because fuck her for ever calling anything that comes out of me gross. If that’s what she thinks of it, then why the fuck should I bother helping her clean up. Hell, I should just walk right out of the room and shower her off of me, and leave her to fend for herself.

I want to fuck her to punish her. To remind her that she’s my goddamned wife. And because, I think she’d fucking like it.

God dammit. It’s not even six in the goddamn morning, and I woke up with such an angry knot in my chest. Fuck her for fucking someone else in our bed. Literally.

2016-09-09 Fri 15:57

I came so fucking close to inviting some guy to the house to suck him off. I stopped myself, and ended up masturbating instead. Twice.

I just don’t know what to do with all this anger. It doesn’t feel right to be angry at Jen, she’s only trying to cope with the situation. It’s that asshole that’s taking advantage of her. If he were helping her, that’d be one thing. But having sex with her? That’s put me into a tailspin. I’m really all over the place today. I’m in absolutely no mental condition to sanely handle a divorce, now. Maybe I’ll need to lean on Cathy more than just for filing paperwork. Maybe I should retain her, and let her deal with all the legal stuff.

I rode my bike for a little while, to try to cool my head a bit before I try to drive out for my therapy session. I told Jen there’s a decision I’ve been thinking on for a bit now. I’m not going to tell her what it is until after I run it past Eric.

I think it’s time I came back home. I left her here, in our house, alone, because she needed time to think, and needed space away from me to make her decision. Her decision has been made. I was going to keep staying away, but I really haven’t wanted to. If she’s really going to continue a physical relationship with someone else, there’s absolutely no way I can tolerate that in our house. Not while it’s still ours, and we’re still married. I let her be alone here to think, not to run off and treat it like her own bachelorette pad. I want to come back to my house. I’m happy to keep myself to the spare bedroom and the office. I’m happy to adjust my schedule around hers to avoid conflict in the bathroom and kitchen. But I am no longer happy to be exiled from my own home, while she uses it to dull her pain with another man. She’s welcome to keep on ignoring me all she wants. She’s welcome to leave until the divorce is over. I’m sure either of my parents would be happy to take her in for a while. They both understand what’s going on, and love her very much. Maybe this guy she’s seeing has his own place, who knows.

I know I’m not ok with this situation any longer, and I need to do this for my own sanity. She can’t keep holding the past over me as some perceived leverage in dictating how we’re handling things. She’s been just as hurtful, now. She probably didn’t intend it any more than I did, but I’m hurt, too, nonetheless. It’s time I started making my own decisions about what I want, and what I need.

I’m not looking to change our plans for the divorce, or how she wants to split things. I’m still ok with all of that. But, I don’t trust this guy she’s with. Maybe he’s actually nice, I don’t know. He might have good intentions, but I don’t trust his judgement. By all rights, I should be furious with both of them, right now. Because of what he did, I could be turning this divorce upside-down, and letting it get as ugly as I can make it to punish her for being so loose with my feelings, and taking advantage of my good nature. I don’t want to do that. She’s lucky I’m not that kind of guy. It feels like this whole thing is just balancing on a wire, right now. I hope she can accept what I need to ask of her, and understand why I’m asking for it, and why I’m not asking for more. I’m not out to hurt or punish her at all. But I need to respect my feelings, and so does she.

2016-09-09 Fri 20:57

I feel like capturing the email I just sent in here. Most of them probably deserve to be in here, but this one especially:

Pain

I’m still managing to stay remarkably calm, and because of that it might not be that apparent, but I really am feeling hurt and anger with such intensity right now, that just the feeling itself is causing real, physical pain in my chest. I can’t even describe it. It’s like having a burning ball of razor wire spinning in my chest. I’m sure you can relate, to some degree.

There’s so many reasons why I just can’t handle this, right now. Why I feel I need to start setting my own terms through this. I just can’t handle you being in a physical relationship right now, especially not in our home, and in our bedroom. I keep reiterating it, but this is still very fast for me. Like I told you, I’m only just barely managing to accept the divorce, and I’m still struggling with the fact that I have to let you go. Dealing with that alone has been enough to cripple me, and leave me a bawling mess in my bed most of the day. I can barely push through that, but I’ve been doing it, because I want to honor and respect your feelings that you can’t be with me any longer. I’m still trying, little by little, and without much success, to get over the miscarriage. It was only three months ago that it happened. Three months is nothing.

Three months ago, you were (seemingly) happily carrying our child. It was healthy, and had a strong heartbeat. It’s only been two months that we’ve been separated. Two months that I’ve had to live away from my family. From you, from Myles, from Zero. Two months out of my home. The first month was to give you space, because you asked for it.

One month ago, after continuing to hear how hurt you felt that you weren’t confident I’d truly come clean with you about what I’d done, I told you the truth of it. I couldn’t bear to watch you struggle with not knowing any longer. I may have even (foolishly, I know) held hope that bringing closure would be helpful. Maybe it was. It helped you decide, on the spot, that a divorce was what you really needed after all.

That’s what the divorce has really been to me. Just one month. Two at best, since it seemed that’s where we were headed, anyway, but there was still uncertainty. There was still hope. So, one month of realizing that our relationship was truly over.

It was August 8th when I told you the truth, you told me to leave, and I started getting fully honest with everybody else. It was the 14th, barely a week later, when I came with my mother to pick stuff up. That’s when I first noticed something was off. The pictures were all taken down, which didn’t really surprise me; it was obvious that you couldn’t bear the sight of me. My clothes were haphazardly tossed into some bins, which I guess made sense, since you probably wanted me to be able to easily remove them (though I was rather unpleasantly suprised to see them tossed in so haphazardly after I’d spent so much time washing, folding,and hanging all of your laundry a week before). That much seemed understandable enough. What threw me, though, was that my nightstand was cleared. Not even just my basket of random nonsense, but the alarm clock, too. It was bare, as if nobody else ever belonged there. What about an alarm clock would prompt you to toss that into a bin as well, if not to empty the room for new company? But, no, I couldn’t imagine you doing something like that. I mean, good lord, it wasn’t even a full week since you announced the divorce was definite.

Just a few days later, on the 17th, was the last time I offered to mow the lawn. I understood why you wanted me to stop doing it, but it was really weird why you didn’t want me to do it that day. You told me, you didn’t want me to mow the lawn, because you’d be “working from home” that day. I’d already told you I’d have it done early enough that you wouldn’t have to see me, so that was weird. It felt very much like there was something going on that you didn’t want me to know about. Again, I tried like hell to shake it off. That you only wanted to not have to deal with me trying to be helpful anymore.

The 23rd was a weird day. You’d asked me to clean the litter box. I still can’t wrap my head around why. It’s not like you were incapable of doing it yourself. You weren’t pregnant anymore, after all, and no stranger to cleaning them, either. Everything about that day was just plain weird.

Then a week later, the 30th, when after asking about meeting to talk finances, you mentioned that you’d be “free” that tuesday. After work. In the evening. “Free”. That didn’t sit quite right. What would you have to be “free” from in the evening?

The snacks and stuff you left out the next day was weird, too. It seemed thoughtful enough, but it also really stank of you just cleaning out shelves in the fridge and the cabinets. I mean, it was all stuff you didn’t care for. You could’ve just thrown it out, but the thought of bagging it up for me was still nice. It was all expired garbage, though, so there couldn’t have been that much thought put into it.

So, finally, that brings us to yesterday morning. 9/8.

3 months after we were happily (?) pregnant. 2 months after you asked me to leave the house 1 month (to the day, even), since you actually announced the divorce.

And I found out then, through no actual admission of your own, that you were not only staying with another man, but that you’ve had a physical relationship with him too. On top of everything else I was and am still struggling with, I had to discover that, and I had to find out the way I did.

That alone opens a whole cornucopia of hard, painful questions. Does she care how I feel at all? How could she do this? How could she do this so soon? She just sent me an email trying (sort of) telling me she wasn’t happy with our sex life (despite always having told me that we didn’t have one because of her condition and general lack of interest), and telling me that I’m attractive (while also slamming me for ruining it). What is it about this guy, that she’s able to have a physical relationship with him so fast, and so easily? What a blow to my masculinity that is. My wife can’t bear sex with me, but she can hook up and have sex with a new guy just like that. Just how “not good enough” am I? She tries to tell me I have a chance with women, and this is how my own wife treats me? And, Jesus,… this apparently started in no time at all. While we’re still married. While we’re only just starting to actually begin the divorce. While we’re only just starting to talk our way through it. How the hell was I supposed to react? Like it’s normal? Like I should’ve anticipated it? Anyone else, I feel, would’ve succumbed to the rage and raised hell. How am I supposed to progress through a divorce, while my own wife not only acted like it was over before it even began, but already has someone else, after holding it over my head that my infidelity was the source of all of this?! I feel like I should be exploding right now, and yet I’m somehow, I don’t know how, handling this as calmly and compassionately as I can. I don’t even think I should be. I feel like if I don’t explode, I’m going to implode. But if I explode, then what happens with our divorce? What happens if I let the rage out? We both lose everything. It’s a lose-lose situation.

Holy hell. It was the 24th when we talked about how alone you were feeling. That’s when “National Dog Day” was, when we talked about how alone we both were, and how glad I was that you at least had Myles, and some friends to talk to. While I agonized away from my home, mostly alone, with only whomever I could reach via text, or (when she was actually around late at night), my mother. And, it turns out, all my fears were valid. You weren’t alone. You had someone. Someone to comfort you. Someone to love you. Someone, apparently, to destroy your husband with by enjoying with him what I wanted so desperately to share with you. Intimacy. Emotional, and physical, intimacy.

How could that not destroy me. Maybe after we were divorced, I could handle it. I still wouldn’t like it, but we’d be over, by then. Everything would be finished, and I could finally start working on moving on as well. But now… You had to know I wasn’t ready for this now. I’ve barely been managing to accept the divorce starting. I’m barely underway with letting go of what we had together, and what we could’ve had, if we were able to work through everything. And now, this happened.

You’d have caused less pain if you’d blasted five rounds of rock salt into my heart with a shotgun. The divorce was more than painful enough. Moving on like that, hiding it, and letting it land in my lap that not only are you done with me, but you’ve already found someone that gives you more of what you need than apparently I could? I’m in so much pain right now that I can barely breathe.

Taking steps to take care of myself better, by getting back into a reasonable living space, and possibly avoiding having to deal with your sordid affair going on while I try to cope with everything else first, that’s the least I can do for myself. Believe me, I don’t look forward to living uncomfortably either, but right now, it’s far better than the alternative. Which is sitting in a bedroom in somebody else’s house, while you use ours to show me how I, or our relationship, or my feelings, mean to you.

If you have any better suggestions, I’m open to them. I can’t handle any more pain, though. I really can’t. I can’t handle what’s on my plate anymore now. I can barely function anymore, it hurts so bad. Losing a baby, losing my friend, losing my home, losing my marriage, all at once. I can’t handle it anymore. I’m feeling such extremes of sadness, anger, and hopelessness, that I’m at risk of losing to them, losing myself, losing everything. I need something to give, or I’m really going to fall apart.

2016-09-10 Sat 08:10

I stopped wearing my ring yesterday. It’s the first time I’ve ever intentionally not worn it. I don’t have it on now. It feels like it still belongs there, that it should be there. But it isn’t. Am I losing hope, or am I letting go? I don’t know. Now that a lot of the anger has subsided, I kind of want to put it back on, but I don’t know if I should. Maybe I should just go put it into the jewelry box, next to the engagement ring I saw sitting in there.

2016-09-10 Sat 09:53

I just fought the temptation to post an ad on craigslist, looking for a woman to keep me company. Fuck, I’m so conflicted right now.

Need a companion - m4w (Hatboro)

body

thin

height

6’2" (187cm)

status

separated

age

33

I’m feeling lonely. My wife wants a divorce, and is already sleeping with another guy. I haven’t had any sex in months, and I’ve got the house to myself all weekend. Would love someone to come by who appreciates a tall, thin, nerdy guy with good equipment. I’m fine with just hanging out, or maybe having a little more fun. Not looking for anything long-term, just some short-term comfort. Safe, d&d free.

I know it’s a terrible idea. I know that it’s not good for me. I know that I still want to be faithful to my wife, even if she’s not being faithful to me. I just want so badly to be loved. To have someone have an interest in me. I’m not ready for a new relationship. I’m not ready to end the shattered one I’m in. But I still want so badly to feel loved, and to feel desired, and I don’t know how to fill that need safely.

Part of me wants to post it just to see if I can even get a response. Just to see if I even could attract another woman. I might not even go through with it, I just might want validation. But I know I want more than that, and I know this is a dangerous way to find it. There’s a good chance I’d find a nice person on there, but there’s an equally good chance I’d find someone very harmful.

I wish I had someone like Jen has. Someone that offers love and support, and physical intimacy. I still wish that person were Jen herself.

2016-09-10 Sat 17:21

I feel like I’m dying. I don’t know if I can let go, or believe that I’ll ever get over her. It took me a while to decide to marry her. I pledged my life to her, and I meant it. And now she’s already sleeping with someone else, and sees nothing wrong with it, and has no intention of stopping or showing any remorse. I feel so betrayed, by the one person in the world I trusted this much. It just doesn’t add up, how she was able to feel this way for so long, and only decide to divorce me recently, after things had been going so well. And she refuses to even consider working on us at all. How can she say she loves me, and cares for me, but hurt and discard me like this?

I don’t even know what a marriage is, anymore. I thought it was about working through the hard times, and talking about them. But we failed. We failed, and she refuses to get back up and try for us.

Why can’t I let go? Why?! I should want to go out, and find someone who’ll really accept me for who I am, and love me. But I don’t. I still want that person to be Jen. But she’s not going to do that. She refuses to do that. What we had isn’t enough for her to try anymore. What we could be isn’t enough for her to try anymore. I’m not enough for her anymore.

I’m just not good enough for her. And up until recently, we were everything to each other.

She’s moved on so easily. It’s so unfair. I feel so worthless. I’m so much better than I was a year ago, but I still don’t measure up. I never measure up. I’m never good enough. I’ll always be broken.

God, how can I move on?! What chance do I have if I even try? I’m in my thirties, now. I wanted to be a father. It’s going to take me so long to get over this, I don’t feel like I have any time left. I don’t want to be old and falling apart when my child is growing up. I don’t want to be lonely and desperate, trying to start all over without any idea how to do it.

I’m in shambles. I don’t know what to do. My self-image was weak. It’s all but gone, now. She never wanted me, but this new guy gets her right away. How am I ever supposed to trust anyone again? I don’t want to be with men, and I feel like I’ll never be able to attract a woman. Even if I did, how could I ever start another relationship? I already promised my love to Jen. I still love her. How can I possibly love someone else.

Why can’t I just be some asshole. Why can’t it be that easy, that I could say “fuck her” and just move on to someone else? I just can’t. I can’t do that. It’s too goddamn fast. It’s way too goddamn fast.

Before Thursday, I knew she was pursuing a divorce, but that was all. There was still time to talk. The papers hadn’t even gotten started. They still haven’t. I thought we were both struggling. I thought, maybe, we could at least talk through what was going on. But she jumped straight into a new relationship. She barely had time to blink. I meant that little to her, that she could just up and do that. She’s being so incredibly selfish, and it’s killing me. It’s really killing me.

I can barely eat. I’m in constant, agonizing pain. And I’m completely without hope. She just keeps taking my hope away.

2016-09-10 Sat 17:40

I want to keep talking to her, but I don’t even know what to say. I want to make this work, but she just wants to be rid of me and keep screwing her new boyfriend. She has absolutely no respect for how this is affecting me.

FUCK.

I barely even want to stay sober anymore. What’s the goddamned point. Jen doesn’t care. She doesn’t even know what I’m trying to be sober from.

If my life is going to fall apart, don’t I at least deserve to enjoy what’s left of it?

I’m just so. Fucking. Hopeless.

2016-09-10 Sat 17:51

Porn is the only thing that even takes the edge off. My love is gone, and it’s never coming back. And the porn isn’t even reality. It’s just fantasy.

My life is so empty, now.

2016-09-10 Sat 17:52

This is so fucked up. I don’t even know how to have a fling if I wanted one. All these guys apparently have no trouble finding easy women. I don’t know how to find any. I’m so fucking incompetent.

Even if I wanted a woman, I lack any ability to find one.

2016-09-10 Sat 18:11

What’s the point of “sobriety”. At least jerking off passes the time. And what would I want another long-term relationship for, anyway, if they end so easily.

2016-09-10 Sat 22:27

I just want sex so badly. I hate that my wife is having sex without me. I really, really, really hate it. It has me so sick to my stomach that I can’t eat.

I’m glad Nick invited me to see a movie tonight. My depression was getting kind of severe. Going out probably saved me a deal of trouble tonight.

I feel like I’m only saving myself sexually for a wife that won’t have me, and I can’t fucking stand it.

2016-09-12 Mon 05:38

I stand at a fork in the road.

To my left, I see a tall mountain path. It winds up steep slopes. It presents a challenging climb, but a rewarding one. The sun is high, and I’ll feel its warmth as I go. There are places where the trees block the light, but it’s never too dark, and never to far to the next clearing. There’s familiarity to it. I can see the path clearly. It wouldn’t be easy, but the peak feels attainable. It would leave me sore, and the steep climb would take its toll on my muscles, rendering me at times feeling unable to continue, but I could press on, with the open air, the fresh breeze, and the warm sun on my back coaxing me on. There are some cliffs to climb, insurmountable alone, but possible for a pair to work together to overcome them. The path is wide enough to accomodate a companion, and the summit promises views of untold beauty. From high up, one could look back over the path that climbs the mountain, and the full distance behind, to where I started my journey, and beyond. Forward would be a broad view of a new land, full of promise and wonder, providing ample opportunity to see and choose amongst limitless possibilities.

The path to my right is narrow, and unfamiliar. It leads not up a mountain, but into a valley. It’s depth is masked by the swell of brambles that fill it like a lake. The path descends into darkness. The path permits passage through it, but the vines are overgrown, and their large thorns protrude over the path like large, dark blades. It is difficult, but not entirely impossible, to see the exit on the other side. It leads to new plains, unknown to me. There’s a faint glimmer of the beauty of new lands, but there is no light visible through the path. It doesn’t proceed straight through, instead it seems to turn sharply in misleading directions through the thicket, as if to warn off travelers that their destination will forever remain out of reach. While there is room to walk, it would be impossible to do so without being cut along the way. It’s doable, and it’s survivable, but I would emerge terribly wounded, and need much time and care to recover before moving on past the exit. But there is promise in the unknown plains beyond. Out there lies things beyond my current ability to imagine. They might be terrifying, they might be wonderful. It’d be a long, lonely, difficult journey, fraught with pain, disillusionment, and times of what would feel like hopeless wandering through the darkness. But the path does lead on, and it does lead out. It does end, and it does lead beyond.

The left represents the challenge of rebuilding our marriage. It is a path of warmth and love, trials and difficulty. It is inviting, but perilous to pursue alone.

The right represents letting go of a journey I can’t make alone, to face the pain, and push through it.

Either path leads to a new and exciting future. Neither path is short, neither path is easy. Right now, I stand at the fork, waiting for my climbing companion to tackle the challenges on the warm, but difficult, mountain path before me. But my companion may never come. We journeyed to this point without a map. We stumbled and fell along the way. I tried to cross bridges I thought would support us both, only to have us fall and lose each other along the way. We stuck together for a long time, but there was a lot of unease and distrust. We forged on, but lost sight of each other as we blindly pressed forward. Now, I stand here, alone, and unsure my companion will ever rejoin me. It’s possible that you’re already chosen a different path and forged yet further ahead. There are ample clues that this is the case. But still, I hold hope that you still lag behind, somewhere, on your way here. Or, perhaps more foolishly, that the path you chose eventually winds back to this crossing.

I don’t have supplies to wait forever. I’m already running low. The only path alone is through the bramble, and if I don’t press on, I’ll be trapping myself with nowhere to go. Maybe the lonely path opens up sooner than it appears. Maybe there are other points from its meanderings through the valley that offer alternate routes up the mountain. Maybe the cliffs on the mountain are unstable, and will send us hurtling down. It’s impossible to tell. Time is running out, and there’s only one path I can tread alone. I have to find a way to let go, and move on before I lose the strength to move at all.

I’ve done a lot of thinking, and a lot of looking back. I made mistakes, but I never intended the harm I caused. I wasn’t smart enough then, or aware enough then, to see how bad they were until I’d made them.

When I dove into cross-dressing, I was unemployed. My self esteem and my hope were low. I was unable to provide for myself, and I was unable to provide for us. You supported us, and I was grateful. But I felt it was my duty to pitch in, and I could not. I felt like a failure. A burden.

Home alone for so long, and depressed as I was, I had a lot of trouble finding ways to occupy myself that could still bring me joy. Video games got boring. Job seeking was emotionally draining. My hobbies were slim, and they began to fail me. I looked back on what pulled me through before, what excited me. I’d cross-played at conventions before. I’d wondered whether that was just for the attention, or if there was more to it. My perfectionism demanded I do it right at the time. I’d shaved my legs before I met you. I knew how that felt, and it felt nice, at least until the bumps and itching inevitably followed. As low as my self esteem is with women, and other people in general, I appreciated my own looks, and took pleasure in grooming myself when motivated. And so, I started investing my time seeing whether I could pull regular crossdressing, the ultimate costume, off.

I dressed for myself, then. I was my only critic. I did what most straight cross dressers do, and attempted to live up to my own perception of attractiveness. I often fell short, but there were glimmers of success. I’d found my new hobby, something I could invest myself in. It wasn’t even really that new, to be honest. I’d played at the idea before we met. Never seriously, but I’d worn panties before. Bras before. Not with the intention to pass, or fool anyone, only for the novelty and thrill of it.

The thrill is what hooked me. Wearing the clothes of the fairer sex I admired, and feeling I could pull it off, was exhilarating. Exciting. Sexual. Of course it would lead to being somehow sexual. While I spent most of my life unaware of my addictive tendencies, they were there regardless. I got off on the thrill, and there is no greater drug in depression than the pursuit and release of sexual pleasure and orgasm. It’s been my drug since I discovered it.

You saw me doing this, and were scared. You tried to accept it, but I felt your skepticism. I think you saw it for what it was. You tried to be a part of it. I still remember the day you painted my nails. But I wasn’t dressing for you. I was doing it for me. I should have realized that for the mistake it was, but I did not. I thought I was exploring a side of myself that I felt, that I do feel, I have. But I wasn’t exploring it with you. I was already addicted, and my hobby had found its way into it.

The sites and forums we found gave me hope, as we discovered that most crossdressers are, in fact, straight men, doing it for the same reasons that I did, addiction aside. I saw a community of like-minded people, trying to find their identities. Playing at being a woman isn’t all about being sexual. It’s about taking a moment to discard the expectations of being a man. It’s about stepping away from all the things that make being a man difficult, and towards what make women wonderful. When dressed, I felt freer. Less stressed. More relaxed. I could play at not having to feel bad that I wasn’t currently a breadwinner, that I was stuck at home. I didn’t have to be a stoic, quiet guy that hid his emotions, I could feel a little more free expressing myself. I could feel, for a little while, ok with being passive, instead of always feeling a failure at being assertive.

But, then I found the site with live chat. And in there, I found another sort of people. Cross-dressers that used it to experiment with their sexuality. And I’ve always been open at exploring my sexuality, and understanding and finding things that I do and do not enjoy. I’ve never felt restrained by spritual or social barriers to accepting what felt good to me. And this, this was intriguing. As much as I wish I could be assertive sexually, I also liked the idea of being passive. Ideally, with a woman. I didn’t, and still don’t, find men in and of themselves to be attractive. Maybe it’s narcissism, maybe it’s all the porn, probably both. It could just be normal psychology, but I do find genitalia of either gender arousing. Seeing a woman get excited makes me excited. Seeing a man get excited makes me excited to, perhaps vicariously.

Then there’s the other sort of person that lurked in that chatroom. The so-called “admirers”. Men that lavished praise on the timid guys that craved the attention. Attention that women don’t tend to give openly. Attention that men give too much, and too easily. That attention, that validation, was intoxicating. I felt lusted for. I didn’t care that men weren’t my type. The attention, the nature of it, was. It played directly to my addiction. It fit it perfectly. And I fell straight in. I didn’t realize, or was unable to realize, what I was doing could even possibly affect you. I was absorbed by it. Oblivious. I was curing my own depression, and I was oblivious to the harm I was doing to us, and to myself. I must have known it wasn’t good. I hid it, after all. Maybe I just thought you wouldn’t understand. I was convinced this had nothing to do with us, or how we were doing. I was a fool.

Getting caught the first time made clear to me that you were hurt by it. I tried to stop myself, for both our sakes. I succeeded, for a while. But I never addressed what led me down that road in the first place. If I told you I wanted something different sexually, I only did so quietly, without conviction. I couldn’t ask you straight out to be more assertive from time to time. You didn’t like being assertive. You wanted me to be assertive. I wanted to be too, but I didn’t know how. When I tried, I failed at it. I was always too afraid I’d go too far, or make you uncomfortable, or feel too selfish in asserting myself on you. Assertiveness is something I’ve been working on for a long time. I struggled with it in the workplace, and had only begun to make progress there. With therapy, I’ve gotten far better. But I wasnt working on it, then.

So, in time, with the same variables at play, the cycle of my addiction took hold again. I found new ways, new places I could interact with people. The Whisper app was chief among them. It was totally anonymous. There was no risk of exposing myself, nor was there any risk in being pestered by the same old people. Almost ever time the attention was brand new. Completely “safe”, and totally disposable. It was almost too perfect. I feel into my addiction again, and I fell in hard. Again, I got caught. Again, I thought I had the power in me to stop.

I was, of course, so very wrong.

As our marriage progressed, and our relationship grew, so did the disparity between the happiness we had together, and my addiction. I genuinely thought that with all the love we had, that it didn’t stand a chance anymore. I was so happy with you. I didn’t feel there could be anything that’d pull me astray again.

But still, that’s just a more romantic way of ignoring the problem. I had an addiction. I’d already seen it cycle. I didn’t work to solve it, I worked to crush it. I wanted it gone. Out of my life. Out of ours. It has no place in our lives, and that much is certainly true.

But addiction isn’t inherently evil. It feels like a kind of monster, some other self that takes over and forces us to do things we know are wrong. And it does do all of those things. But it’s not some demon that came along out of the blue to possess us out of pure malevolence. It’s something that grows out of past traumas. Out of old, unmet needs, that taught us long ago that we had only ourselves to rely on to satisfy them. Needs for love. Needs to be wanted. Somehow, over the course of our lives, we felt pain. People find different ways of dealing with it. Some find food. Some find the company of friends. Some struggle until the emotional hurt is so bad that physical pain brings them relief.

I’ve been through a lot. I feel I’ve been incredibly lucky, and that I shouldn’t feel so hurt because things didn’t work out so badly in the end. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t go through things. The tragic death of my childhood friend. Being bullied at school. Being ridiculed by strangers. Having my home fall apart as my parents divorced. Seeing my sister struggle, and collapse under the pain of our family being broken, and her own young relationships failing. Living with a father I wanted to know better, unaware of the pain he was still dealing with himself. Suffering as he tried his best to be the kind of father he was never taught to be. Being a timid, awkward outsider in a community where everyone else were already close with each other. Watching my mother date, and find new men. Watching her remarry, still wondering what ever went wrong with her first marriage. Dealing with puberty, and the confusion that brings. Being taught to treat women with respect, and approach them purely, while starting to struggle with finding them attractive, and out of reach. Necessary, but unattainable. Feeling horny, and believing I could have no outlet outside of my own experimentation, and what porn I could find. Because to show that side of myself to a girl was to take advantage of her, and objectify her, and I wanted a relationship of mutual love and respect, not one to serve my own selfish, seemingly depraved desires. I completely disassociated sexual desire with relationships, even though the two are, in reality, inseparable. One is supposed to support the other. But I couldn’t see it that way. When a teacher introduced me to a girl at school, and we became friends, I was happy to be friends. But I was too nervous to even make physical contact. I was too nervous to even hold her hand. I didn’t know how sex could have any healthy role to play. It felt dirty, and shameful, to want that. High school was full of trauma, rejection, and struggling to find a place to fit in. Life since hasn’t been too easy either. I never learned how to approach people. I never learned to make friends outside of environments that force people together. All my friends are people I went to school with, then fell out of touch with afterwards, or people I worked with. Many of them fell by the wayside as I switched jobs, as well. My first “real” relationship was set up by my friends. I learned in it that sex is a good thing to explore together, but I also learned the difference between love and infatuation. I hadn’t yet found love. Instead, I learned what it is to feel distant, and to feel truly alone. It took the tiny bit of assertiveness I’d learned by that point to get myself on a dating site, once I’d been alone long enough to want to, need to, try again. That’s how I met you. You reached out to me, because you saw something in me, and you wanted a friend. I wanted one too. We talked, and it was great. We talked so much, back then. I decided to push through my inhibitions and meet you, and you know the rest from there. I found love. Real love. The kind of love that grows and grows. I could turn to look at you at any time, no matter when, no matter what we were doing, and see a person I truly loved with all my heart. A person that loved me, too. How could I not believe that love could defeat anything?

All of that trauma, all of the coping I learned through it,… that’s what addiction is. It’s feeling pain, struggling, finding things that get you through it, and learning what helps. And what helps is sometimes good, and sometimes bad. And the bad things aren’t always obviously bad, until over time, situations change, and they’re not appropriate any longer. But the behavior is learned, its wired into our brains. And it’s really hard to unlearn. It’s not impossible. It does get easier. It’s possible to find new ways to cope, new ways to work through things. But it takes real work, real recovery. I’m doing that work now, but I wasn’t doing that work then.

I’ve always struggled with sex. My needs always felt so selfish. They felt like a burden, and I didn’t feel right asking you to bear them. You were sometimes eager to do so anyway, and I took that as a blessing, a gift. You sometimes attended to me when you weren’t so eager. That pained me, but I love and appreciate you for doing it for me. I would feel guilty, though. Guilty that you had to go out of your way to please me. The guilt made it harder to enjoy the sex in those moments. I sometimes couldn’t even finish, and fail partway through. Sometimes it was genuine exhaustion, other times, it was just the guilt, and the lack of passion. I hated using you for sex. Sex, I thought, is supposed to be for both of us. I don’t feel right if I’m not giving you pleasure too. I feel worse if I can tell you’re uncomfortable. But I didn’t know how to talk about that. I built up in my head that it would be rude, or upsetting, to keep telling you how that felt, because you’d told me you had no control over it, either. Your body just wouldn’t cooperate with you. Even when it did, you were uncomfortable with it. I couldn’t keep asking things of you, it seemed too cruel. I thought, if I have these needs, and these urges, and they hit me so much more often than they hit you, that the only responsible thing to do was to take care of myself. So I did. I masturbated. I watched porn. I kept my sexual needs away from you, because I saw them as a burden you couldn’t bear. And I fell into my addiction again. Badly. I didn’t even see it, at first. I thought I was doing the right thing. But I craved the attention I wasn’t getting. I craved the passion that we didn’t have, that you seemed unable, physically, to provide. And I’d already learned where I could find those things. I’d done it so many times before. While I knew it wasn’t right, I found it there again.

I thought, I really thought, that if I could handle my sexual needs on my own, that you’d be free from having to worry about them. That I was in some way doing you a favor, eliminating the pain I expected you were feeling at your inability to take care of me in that way. I fell in so deep. The addiction grew stronger, and stronger. For a long time, I masturbated away the desire to follow through on that critical, unforgivable, seemingly inevitable conclusion to my addiction: that I’d cave in, and meet someone. For a long time, the fear of it kept me from doing it. The fantasies only grew, and progressed. I posted multiple times on Craigslist, not because I trusted anyone to meet them, but because they were there and willing to fulfill my fantasies anyway. So I’d lead them on, and get off on their desire to give me what I thought I wanted. I didn’t want them. I wanted their desire. I wanted to be lusted for, to be wanted. I craved contact. As I distanced myself from you, and pursued my fantasies to, as I saw it, save you from myself and my needs, my fantasies and cravings for attention only grew worse. In spite of myself, I came to resent any lack of physical contact. I couldn’t ask you to touch me, to give me release. But I was going mad without it.

In the end, I broke. I caved in to it. And honestly, it was not at all what I wanted. It wasn’t any fulfillment of my needs, nor my fantasy. It was hollow. My nerves were shot,and I was filled with shame for having crossed that line. It shocked my system, and I thought, ok. That was terrible. It made me feel terrible. Maybe now that I know that, I’ll finally be free. I’ll fall back to just taking care of myself with porn. This never happened. This will never happen again.

Time and time again, I’ve thought I had control over what I was doing. Time and time again, I was proven wrong. Even this, even having actually cheated, knowing I had, knowing I had done something I didn’t even like, or had ever wanted to actually do in the first place. Even with all that, I couldn’t control anything. The cycle continued. The fantasies built themselves back up. My addicted mind worked against my better judgement, and I ended up doing it again. I wanted to again, as though the previous time being awful was some kind of fluke. I let myself forget how awful it really was. I let myself forget how wrong it felt, how much I truly knew that I didn’t want sex with other people. That I wanted it with you. The addiction made me forget all of that. It made me feel that I didn’t know what I wanted, that I needed to try again to be sure. My addiction had me lying to myself about all of that, because I craved that attention, that release, that need to be touched and wanted so badly, that I caved in to it again. And it left me horribly disappointed, and grief stricken, and miserable, and worthless, all over again. Worse this time. So much worse. I’d done it twice, now, and I was no better for it. I was worse off. This cycle, this addiction, was destroying me. It was destroying my life. It was tearing me apart from the inside out. It was making a liar, a cheater, and a terrible maladjusted wretch. It made me really and truly hate myself. I felt nothing but despair.

Through it all, through the full progression of the addiction, it distanced me from your love. I still loved you, and still do, and I never lied about that. I never lied about loving you more each day. But I felt progressively less and less deserving of the love you offered to me in return. I felt irredeemable. Broken beyond hope of repair. I felt evil. I felt like a monster. I felt like every creep that ever hurt you, magnified, and become something far more sinister, hurtful, and reprehensible. I’d become the worst thing that could have happened to you. I felt such despair, and that despair fed the addiction further. I was able to do it twice, because I’d already done it once. I was already beyond saving. I was already across the line. There was already no hope of coming back. I was scared out of my mind. I thought there was no possible way out.

I’m glad you caught me. I hate, I really, really hate, that I hurt you. I hate that I needed you catching me to snap me out of it. To see what I was doing for what it was. To see that in hurting you, I was hurting myself, too. I finally realized I couldn’t stop on my own. And I wanted to stop. I wanted to stop so badly, but I didn’t know how. You loved me enough, so strongly enough, that you caught me, and confronted me. You gave me a chance to finally ask for help. You gave me a chance to finally start getting that help. I was so scared. I was scared for my life. Literally. If this cycle continued, I was convinced it would literally kill me. I was scared that if I didn’t get help, and I didn’t get support, that I would die. And when I realized you didn’t know that I’d physically cheated, and because I knew you would never stay if you knew I had, my fear didn’t let me tell you. I wanted to. I really did want to tell you the truth. But I thought that if you left me, I would die. I would fall into such despair and hopelessness. I would lose the only reason I had for holding back in my addiction, the only reason I had to fight it, and I would lose myself to it, and end up in a ditch on the side of a road somewhere.

I resolved to recover. I found help. Help was intimidating, but it was also welcoming. There was no judgement in those rooms. Not that I realized that, or let myself fully realize that, straight away. It took me over a year to admit to anyone in there that I’d been talking to men. I thought, these are all straight guys. They all somehow know the secret to attracting women that’s always eluded me, and nobody, not even they would understand my struggles with that. But I was wrong. I really had found a safe place to heal, and grow. And it’s all thanks to you.

I’m sorry I lied to you. I really am. I knew that lie would devastate you. I knew the truth would devastate you. In my cowardice, I forced myself to lie to you, and I hate myself for doing it. It hurt me every single time I said it. After a while, we stopped talking about it, and I thought it could lie buried in the past. That we’d move on, safe in the knowledge that I was breaking the cycle, unlearning old behaviors, and getting better. I thought I could keep it from you forever. That was the biggest lie I ever told myself.

That lie hurt you terribly. More than the truth ever could. And when you finally showed me your pain, I finally knew that. I finally understood. It didn’t matter if I was better, or even if I never had anything else to every lie about again. It didn’t matter. That lie was still there. And it still hurt you. And it’d been hurting you all along. I finally knew that, and I could bear it no longer. I knew that telling you the truth would end everything I held dear. I knew that the pain of losing you could still very well kill me. But, I knew also that no pain that would befall me was worth lying to you any longer. I couldn’t do it anymore. You deserved to know. You needed to know. You’d never be able to move on without knowing. Even if it meant my life was over, I had to tell you the truth. And so, I did. I told you. I told my group. I told people at meetings. I told my family. I told my close friends.

Now that it’s out and done with, it’s painful as hell. But, there is relief to it, as well. I’m not dying. I hurt like I am, but I’m not. You’re hurt too, but you’re holding up and taking care of yourself. And I am, too. I still have support. Support that I didn’t expect I’d ever have. I wish I’d known I’d have this support back then. I wish I’d known I’d survive it. I wish I could have told you. I wish I’d given us a chance to work through it. But at least it’s over, now. The lying is finally over. I’m going to miss you. I’m never going to stop loving you. I pray that you don’t hate me, that someday you’ll forgive me for what I did to you. I hope that we’ll both find happiness again, and be able to keep it. I hope that I keep recovering, and keep getting better, and learn to love myself again. I think I can. I have hope that I will. I’ll forever regret losing my chance to take this journey of recovery with you, but I’ll continue with it nonetheless. Love will be out there, somewhere, in some form. It might not be what I want or expect it to be right now. I might never have what we had, or were going to have. But I’ll find something, and it’ll bring me a new kind of happiness. The regrets I have will always haunt me. The losses will continue to hurt. But I’ll survive. I’ll move on. It won’t ever go away, but it will get easier.

I’ll be ok. I owe it to myself to be ok. It’ll take time. Some things will be harder to let go of than others. Some I’m really not going to want to let go of. Some things I need to hold onto just long enough to find other sources of hope to move on with. But I’ll get there. I’ll get better. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I hurt myself. I’m learning to forgive myself, and become the man I want and deserve to be. I’m sorry I wasn’t always that man for you. I’m sorry to myself that I won’t get to be, but I’ll be that man anyway, and I’ll find happiness again. And this time, I’ll know better. This time, I’ll do better. Because now, finally, I am better.

I’m getting better, one day at a time.

2016-09-12 Mon 08:53

That took a long time to write. I’m going to be late for work.

2016-09-13 Tue 17:04

Monday went fairly well. Got some texts from Jen, had a nice little conversation about how her trip went, and the amazing progress she’s made by going to the gym. She’s been going to Planet Fitness for a while now, apparently, and managed to lose 30 pounds! I’m really impressed, and really happy for her. She says she barely needs her fast-acting insulin anymore, which is fantastic. I’m so happy that she’s doing so well, given that her weight was always a problem for her. It’s no wonder her libido is coming back, she’s probably feeling great. If I think too hard on it, that’ll only make me feel more jealous, but still, I’m really proud of her.

Did lunch with Stephanie. Was nice. Took the long, scenic route to Saladworks :p

She read my letters that I wrote Monday morning, and said they were beautiful, and that I should definitely share them with Jen, when the time is right to.

Jen won’t be coming home, and she didn’t come home last night. I was ready for her just in case, anyway. I went to the adult store after group, and was able to replace the massage and oral flavored cream I destroyed over the weekend. I’m sad that she feels she can’t come home yet, but it’s probably for the best that isn’t rushed.

Group went really well. Everyone was quick to point out that I have, in fact, been doing a really good job of taking care of myself, even if I feel I’ve been falling apart. I’m glad Jen and I are still talking, and that it’s calm and civil right now.

I don’t think I even wrote anything on Sunday, which is a shame. Sunday started off bad. I was super jealous, and super angry. I’d found she had flavored oral cream and massage cream in her goodie drawer, along with flavored lube. I flipped out, and threw the bottle of lube against the wall, breaking its cap. I took scissors to the tubes, destroying them. I ended up punching the frame with our baby announcement in it, shattering the glass, and luckily only barely scratching my hand. It wasn’t a good morning. I forced myself out to leave with Dad to go to Maggie’s party. It was good to be out, but I was still feeling off. The party was a lot bigger than I was expecting, too, with a lot of Chris’ family there as well. I ended up spending most of it on the back deck with mom and the girls. I ended up texting Stephanie for a good, long while. It helped a lot. I was able to talk through a lot of stuff, and start to let go of the anger and some of the jealousy I was feeling. I texted her some more in the evening. It really did wonders for me. I was finally calm. I removed the passive-aggressive, angry stuff I’d left around the house, and tidied up a bit. I didn’t want Jen coming home to an angry house. I wanted her to be welcomed home. Because I’m not angry with her. I’m angry at the situation, and I’m hurt by the stuff that’s happened, but I still love her, and I understand why she did the things she did. She didn’t do it to hurt me. She’s just trying to take care of herself, and work through the hurt she’s feeling. And that’s OK. I can forgive her for that. I hope that some day, she’ll be able to forgive me.

2016-09-14 Wed 13:56

Was feeling better this morning. Had a nice chat last night with Stephanie. One thing she’d wanted to talk about was that she felt she’d lied to me about something a few weeks ago. That she didn’t feel comfortable hugging around the office. She explained that she didn’t because, one, my body language is pretty tight and closed off, so she figured it might not be welcomed, and secondly, that she’s felt attracted to me the whole time. Not that it’s something she feels is going to be a problem, just something she wanted me to be aware of. And I’m taking it as a wonderful compliment. Nothing more. Honestly, it’s really nice to know that I am attractive. I have such a hard time hearing it from people I expect to hear it from. It’s really good to hear it from someone else. I’m glad that she was able to share that with me, and we went on to have a really nice conversation about addiction, and about Persona, too ^_^.

My mood is still dipping a bit, and the day is dragging on, but I had a nice lunch, and a nice bike ride, and in spite of feeling a bit down (for, as best as I can tell, no particular reason at all), it’s still a good day.

I scheduled a waxing session for myself this evening after work. Just a little something for myself. I’m going to get myself a brazilian, as a treat. I’m looking forward to looking and feeling smooth. I’m sure Jen would have her opinions about it, but they don’t matter anymore. And I’m not doing it to attract men, either. I’m doing it because I want to. Because I like feeling groomed. Because I like the way I look with my hair trimmed or removed. Because I want to feel just a tiny bit better about myself, anyone else’s opinions be damned. This is my time, now. And I’m going to make the most of it.

2016-09-15 Thu 09:32

Woke up feeling down again. Still wasn’t really sure why. Managed to get up at ten til eight, and get into the shower. As I was finishing up and getting out, I was thinking about our Wesley or Katelyn, how much we loved them, and how much I miss them, and miss having a chance to meet them. I bawled, sitting there on the edge of the tub. I cried, and didn’t hold back. I cried loudly. It hurt so much :(

I couldn’t think of anything motivating to text Jen this morning. I couldn’t think of an affirmation to share. Instead, I ended up finding the letter I wrote Jen for our fifth anniversary, the one in which I told her how happy that we were finally moving forward, and starting to build the family we always wanted. And on it, I wrote to Wesley and Katelyn, telling them that their mommy and daddy love them more than anything. I grabbed some post-its, and stuck one on the bathroom mirror to remind myself that I’m going to be ok. I ended up writing a handful more, and putting them on the wardrobe mirror. I think it helped. I’m having a tough time. I need to keep taking care of myself, so that I get through this, and start feeling better, eventually.

In other news, I treated myself yesterday evening to a Brazilian wax. Front and back. Found a nice place in Conshohocken that would do it. It was a really good experience. Painful, sure, but bearable. The woman that took care of me is I think the woman that owns the place. It didn’t feel too awkward at all, surprisingly. She was a good conversationalist, and kept things comfortable. She’d thought I was scheduled for five and missed my appointment at first, so she was getting her hair done, so when I showed up on time at 6, she had a bunch of foil in her hair. Her embarrassment helped lighten the mood, I think, as I awkwardly shifted around for her to wax the hair off my ass. It was probably an incredibly silly sight – me lying there, holding my legs up, totally awkward and exposed, while she very professionally took care of the hair there, while looking a fright. But, again, it was otherwise very pleasant. In spite of how comically awkward and bizarre the scene was, I was totally calm and comfortable. It’ll take some more time for my skin to recover, but I’m glad I did it. I like how it looks, and how it feels. It felt nice to do something for myself, and for myself alone. I’m not doing this to attract anybody, or to show off at all. I did it for me. And that feels nice.

2016-09-15 Thu 15:04

Having a tough afternoon.

Went to lunch with Josh B. and Jason to get sushi. There was a teddy bear sitting on the counter across from our table, in my line of sight. It had a tag, that read “Jan and Carol”, but from a distance, kept playing tricks with my mind. When we got back, I saw that Tim had posted a silly puppy gif in chat, and I sent it to Jen over Facebook. She laughed, and told me she misses Myles. Now, I’m feeling down, missing her, and feeling bad that she’s stuck fending for herself, missing her puppy. I’m just not doing a good job today of staying positive. I sat out in my car for a bit. Thought about going home for the day, maybe just working from there. But I want to stick around and jog this afternoon, because I think the exercise will do me good. Jen’s going to be stopping by the house for a couple more things when she’s done work, but that could be 4, or it could be 6. She’s not stopping by to see me. I’m just having a really hard time right now focusing on work, and trying not to just feel like crap.

I feel like I keep reaching out and bugging her, and that I tend to do it the most when I’m feeling down. It doesn’t feel like a very good idea, but I don’t seem able to stop myself. I just don’t know what to do. She cares, I know she does. But I feel like I shouldn’t be taking advantage of that by sharing my feelings with her the way I am. I just don’t know what to do.

2016-09-17 Sat 14:54

So much terrible.

I got home last night after therapy, and was feeling kind of ok. I told Jen that I had the retainer agreement to sign. I told her, calmly, that I’ve been anything but selfish through this. She said she can see that. I told her how I felt, that I was still really uncomfortable with it, but I’d be prepared to get them in on Monday. I asked if she could call before I did that.

An hour later, I was a mess. I was crying and screaming into cushions, wishing we could at least try to start fresh. I begged her to call. A little later, I found her old iPhone, and turned it on.

In it, I could see her emails, and all of her facebook conversations. It was heartbreaking. She told that guy she was with (his name is Paul, apparently), that she was going to “miss him like crazy” while she was out in California. She had dinner reservations with him last night for restaurant week. She constantly posted things onto his facebook wall to share with him, like movies she wants to see with him.

On August 9th, she posted, “I deserve better”.

In her emails, she talks about the struggle of moving on. She claims to feel “this mix of hatred and pity, but not necessarily love, just missing my best friend”. She says, “Things are even more mixed up because I started to meet people”. The guy she’s seeing is apparently only 26, and works at a Panera. She wrote, “Under normal circumstances I would probably be calling this guy my boyfriend because what he has done for me and how much time we spend together”, but recognizes “that a relationship is not what either of us need right now”.

In another, she wrote:

I am in agony. Not because I want to be back with him because I don’t and I know my trust is gone forever but because I want to go back to 8 years ago when him and I first met. Work was terrible but being with him back then made everything better.We were so in love and I don’t think I will ever have that feeling again. All I do is cry constantly now and feel alone. I don’t really have a ton of friends and every weekend is miserable.

…

All I could think of is when Correl and I were together and every day apart was awful and we would spend every free moment together. Ever day with him back then was perfect and I just want to feel that again and I don’t know if I ever will.

In some texts, from August 15th, to a Devan Recalde (I have no idea who that is):

• So I have gotten myself into a pickle
• That guy I slept with has been ultra supportive during this whole shitstorm I have been going through
• Like he came over and cleaned my kitchen last night
• But he made it very clear to me he is afraid of commitment right now
• So I have obviously been developing feelings for him
• But he doesn’t have the same sex drive I do
• And soooooooooo
• I may have done something else with someone else
• I just don’t know wtf I am doing
• Sunday morning we made out and had phone sex..
• He’s a doctor and so like not emotionally available because he is all about his career

…

• I mean obviously I am an emotional wreck
• I have just never acted like this before
• (what is going through your mind?)
• That I am either going to hurt someone or get myself hurt
• And I have zero self control

God, I feel so hard for her, going back and reading them now. At the time, last night, though,… I was hurting bad. I took everything in the wrong context. Some of her friends claimed I was the cold one, that I’m holding on while she’s trying to move on. It just made me so angry. So angry that she’s moving on so blindly. So hurt that she won’t talk with me. I lashed out. I took it as her thinking I really am a monster, a horrible person that’s throwing everything in her face. That I’m a cold, terrible person, taking advantage of her through this process. I told her that I read through things on her phone. None of that went over well. None of that was a good plan. She says we need to stop talking. She says she can’t keep “going in circles” with me. She said, “I think for now on we only talk about the divorce and the mortgage an that’s it”. I said, “I can’t stand this. I see you spinning around doubting what you’re doing, while at the same time pushing on anyway, consequences be damned. I hate that I still love you so much, and worry so much for you when you don’t love or worry about me. You don’t want anything to do with the divorce. You STILL refuse to talk.” Her response: “We don’t need to talk”. Then, she blocked me on Facebook completely. The last two messages I got through before I was prevented from sending any more were, “no, you don’t WANT to. there’s a difference”.

I signed and sent the papers to the lawyer immediately after. I screamed and cried some more. I tried talking to Nick, but I was just a wreck. I announced the progression of the divorce on facebook, and chatted with Josh Stevens a bit. It helped.

I barely slept last night. I ended up trying to sleep in the side room. Around 4am, I sent a facebook message to Paul:

Take good care of my wife. She’s been through an awful lot, and clearly needs to move on in her own way. She’s strong, but she’ll still need an awful lot of support. She’s struggling right now, and needs every bit of support she can get. I know you’ve been an incredible help to her so far, and I thank you for that. She’s a wonderful person, and full of love. Love that I lost due to some terrible mistakes. She’s already well on her way to becoming an even better person. I can see it in the way she’s taking care of herself in spite of the pain and confusion this divorce has put her through already. Keep her strong, and keep her happy. She deserves nothing less.

As far as I can tell, he still hasn’t even seen it. I guess I don’t really care. I’d be surprised if he cares what he’s doing at all.

I woke up this morning feeling just as terrible. With nobody to talk to, I texted Jen’s dad. He was supportive, as usual. I was a mess. I guess, after a while of that, I was in a slightly better place, and I ended up going to paintball this morning after all.

I sucked at it, but it wasn’t terrible, I guess. My head was still sideways through it, though.

Back home, now, making sure to capture everything into my journal. It’s the only thing that’s really here for me all the time. Not feeling so good.

The divorce is real, now. Everything’s so real. When I’m angry or upset, everything is awful. When I’m calmer, everything is just so terribly sad. I don’t even know how I’m surviving anymore, but I am.

2016-09-17 Sat 19:29

I just don’t know what I’m doing. I texted Jen a photo of Myles sulking by the door, telling her “Someone misses you a lot”. A little while later, I sent a selfie saying “he’s not alone in that”.

I just can’t seem to let go. I don’t think it’s healthy anymore.

2016-09-17 Sat 21:24

Maybe I really am addicted to Jen, addicted to her love. I always say I’m a love and sex addict. I crave any kind of connection with her so bad. I just can’t seem to let her go. It’s insane. I know I need to give her her own space. I know I need time alone to work on myself. But still, the abruptness of this all. It’s like dropping heroin cold-turkey. I’m fucking desperate for a hit of what we used to have. This really can’t be healthy for me, either. I don’t know how, but I need to take a step further back. Maybe I really do need to be alone for a while. I can’t keep worrying about Jen and what she’s doing, because she can’t worry about how that’s affecting me. She really does need to figure stuff out on her own. If at any point she wants to share anything with me again, she’ll do it. She can’t, and won’t, if I can’t leave her alone. I’m only making this worse for both of us. I wonder how soon I can get my own place somewhere else. As much as I have a right to be here,… I don’t belong here, anymore.

2016-09-18 Sun 07:24

Feeling a little more centered this morning. I’m working to accept that I need to leave Jen be. I have so many things I still want to talk to her about, but now is not the time. I’ve seen, now, how time and time again, when I try to talk about these things, either she quietly listens, or the discussion turns sour due to my own inability to restrain my hurt feelings. I’ve been bouncing harshly between hurt and anger, and sadness and worry. Between my own feelings, and my understanding of hers. Neither of those are bad things, really, but neither can be allowed in the driver’s seat. I need to acknowledge both, and find a better path forward. Writing seems to be a good outlet for that. I think I’ll write a deal more today, and try to get a good biking session in as well. Today needs to be a day about taking care of myself, not trying to take care of her too. She can take care of herself. If she needs help, and she wants to ask for it, then I can offer some. Offering it unbidden will only exacerbate things.

2016-09-18 Sun 13:33

Had mom over for breakfast. I cooked up some bacon and egg-in-a-hole, and we sat and watched Zootopia. It’s a good movie. Judy’s apology to Nick in it made me want so badly to apologise to Jen again. I’ve made terrible mistakes, and hurt her so bad. I don’t deserve her forgiveness, and if it takes her hating me to move forward with her life, so be it… I just wish we could be happy together again, but I can’t do that without her. I’m writing all of this in here so I don’t bother her with it. I don’t think she can handle another apology right now. I don’t think it matters. She needs her space.

2016-09-18 Sun 20:19

Had a good bike ride around Hatboro, showered up, and met Aunt Donna for dinner. We ended up at a really good south american place and enjoyed their restaurant week menu. It was great seeing her, catching up, and having a nice chat. All in all, today was a pretty good day. I didn’t spend much time by myself. I’ve got a couple hours before bed, I think I’m going to spend it watching some episodes of Mom. There’s been no sign that Jen’s been here, so if she did drop by to do laundry, that’s all she did. Seems unlikely, though, the TV doesn’t even appear to have been used. I wonder what she’s up to, but I’m better off not thinking too hard on it. It’s really fucking hard, but I need to keep her off my mind right now, and keep focusing on myself, and hope that things work out for the best.

2016-09-18 Sun 22:11

Jen sent an email asking what I plan to do about my phone still being on the shared Verizon account. I don’t even feel like replying. I still feel furious that she’s out there, having sex, physically and otherwise, with different men, instead of her fucking husband, who sure as hell doesn’t have anyone himself.

So, I’m just going to finish watching my movie and go the hell to sleep. I can’t talk to her pissed off like this, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

2016-09-18 Sun 22:26

What the hell do I do with all this resentment? It’s ridiculous. She’s off doing god knows what with absolutely no regard to how it makes me feel. How am I supposed to keep a rational mind when thoughts like this keep creeping in? This shit needs to pass back out of my goddamn head. It’s not like I can do a fucking thing about what’s happening other than be pissed off and try to think about something else. She’s just so fucking goddamned selfish. I know what I did to her was awful, but this is at least as bad. Worse, really. I stopped. She has no plans to, and seems to just be spiralling further and further in her newfound sexual drive. Christ, she’s going to get herself in some terrible kind of mess with all this. I hope she at least realizes that before it gets any worse. I know she said she’s not doing this to get back at me, but I don’t know how else she justifies it. She’s just going full tilt fucking insane, and I have no clue to what end, if not to just get as much in as she can knowing it’s not with me anymore. Ugh.

2016-09-18 Sun 22:33

It does help to vent my frustrations in here, at least. Far better than venting them at her. I can at least recognize the difference between being insanely furious at what she’s doing, and being angry at her. I’m still not angry at her, but FUCK am I ever angry at the bullshit she’s putting me through.

2016-09-19 Mon 10:21

I’m just feeling so overwhelmingly sad right now. I re-watched part of the last episode of the Amnesia anime. I’m Ukyo, I think. I tried to maintain our relationship but I did such terrible things to her. Unforgivable things. Now, all I can do is watch her from a distance. Watch as she smiles for someone else. Watch as she lives happily, without me. And I’ll die inside every time I see it, and I’ll have to keep that to myself, so that she can live on.

2016-09-19 Mon 11:43

Days like today, I really, really miss when Jen and I would blow off work to go have fun at Dave & Busters in the city. I miss my best friend so much…

2016-09-19 Mon 17:07

It really sucks being completely ignored. It’s like she’s treating me like I don’t even exist. It’s such a terrible thing to do to a person.

I sent her a few long texts, mostly just telling her that I’m worried about her. I hope she at least responds so I know she’s still ok.

2016-09-20 Tue 00:57

Group is always a good thing.

I got home to find Jen had been here while I was away. I had a feeling she might try that. It’s almost like a really weird Christmas when she flits through, unseen, leaving little hints of her presence behind.

She saw my letters. I assume she read through them all. She left a hand-written response on the back of the last of them, laying out her feelings to me. I’m very grateful for it. I risked a long-winded reply, that I hope reaches her well. Letters seem to be the best way to go these days, as my emotions sometimes run wild on the spot. Feeling a bit better, and even a little cocky, I thanked her again via text, and after finishing my movie tonight, hazarded a play at putting the idea of sex with me into her head. I’m sure she’ll be revolted at the thought, but what I have got to lose? It’s not like I was planning on fucking anyone else, anyhow. Either she goes for it, or she scoffs at it. It’s worth a goddamn shot. Who knows, maybe the abject boldness of it will work to my advantage. Or she’ll just think I’m crazy, which probably won’t change much.

Anyhow, it’s late, and I need to get to bed. I wasted today away “working from home”, which only meant sitting here being a miserable bastard. I’ll need to get some good work done tomorrow. Plus, it’s a jogging day.

2016-09-21 Wed 15:21

Surprised I didn’t get an entry in yesterday. I guess, overall, it was pretty good. Stephanie was worried about the letter I wrote in response to Jen’s Monday night, that it probably helped me, but might be too much for her, with the emotional wounds still so fresh. Unfortunately, I’d already sent it to her. Live and learn, I guess. I haven’t heard anything negative back from Jen, in fact she texted me yesterday to let me know how she was doing. She apparently went LARPing over the weekend with a Vampire: The Masquerade group, had a good time, and maybe made some new friends, and went to the StrEAT festival with Roseann, which I didn’t even realize was going on.

I was originally planning to cook up dinner last night, but I wasn’t feeling up to it when I got home, and the chicken was still partially frozen anyway.

Was feeling a bit dumpy and upset this morning, the thought of Jen being with that guy still keeps creeping into my head and wreaking havoc. Geez, he works at a Panera in Whitemarsh. It’s right across the street from the freaking Five Guys I go to often. At least I’ve never been there. If I’m smart, I won’t visit it. I hope I can manage to stay that smart. I don’t know. I don’t think I’d do anything if I went and saw him. Maybe, at the most, an awkward glare. He probably wouldn’t even recognize me. Ugh, fucking hell, now I’ve got myself thinking about it again. I’ve got XTS tonight, with no plans for it, but at least I’ll be occupied, and fed. Biking is still going great, rode yesterday and today over lunch. At least I’m keeping fit. I’ll get through this shit, eventually, I hope. This whole thing is just such a fucking kick to the stomach.

2016-09-21 Wed 15:28

Forgot to note in here… my phone bill didn’t go over because of data (though Plex was definitely eating it up). It went over because of messaging. It’s all the fucking texting I’ve been doing. With guys from group. With Stephanie. With mom & dad. All of it. Over 1700 messages on this month’s bill, with 500 allotted. Good grief. At least it’s all helping, and I can easily afford it. I’m just shocked that I sent / received so many.

2016-09-21 Wed 15:55

Fuck, I miss Jen so much. I hate being cut out from her life so much. I feel like I always will, and that feeling really sucks. I’m doing ok with leaving her alone, at least. I don’t want to smother her. I wish she’d choose to let me back into her life. I think I know that if I keep pushing in anyway, I’ll definitely lose her forever. She might never let me back in. I’ll be crushed. Somehow, I’ve got to get past this feeling. I don’t know what it’ll take to be ok with this. Maybe I never will, maybe I’ll just think on it less often. Even that would help. I worry that if I ever do meet someone else, it’ll just be one really long distraction from wishing I were still with Jen.

2016-09-21 Wed 16:29

Watching the different directions our bank accounts are moving is fucking depressing. Hers, the joint account, is up over 10k, while mine has dropped to 7,300. And there’s a mortgage payment coming up. I clearly don’t know what the fuck I’m doing right now.

2016-09-21 Wed 16:52

I’m officially feeling fucking whacked out, now. Maybe I should take a walk. I’m missing Jen too damn much right now, and I need to get some fucking air.

2016-09-22 Thu 10:34

An email from Jen this morning, asking what the status is on things and if she needs to do anything. Cathy hasn’t gotten back to me about the agreement I signed and sent. I called and emailed her again.

Now, I’m just getting pissed off again. I feel like asking her, “How’s living in Upper Darby, you slut”. I mean, I don’t, really, but fuck. I hate this, I hate it so fucking much. FUCK. How am I EVER going to be ok with this?! That piece of shit is the same age as my ex. She seems do be doing fine, and I’m falling the fuck apart. FUCK MY LIFE right now.

2016-09-22 Thu 10:40

I hate so much that I haven’t actually seen Jen since she left for her trip, and that doesn’t even count, because I couldn’t even see her face. I hate being so disconnected. I hate that I have to feel this way. I fucking hate that I did this to myself. How can I ever forgive myself for putting her and myself through this?

2016-09-24 Sat 07:38

I’ve been biking so hard lately, I wonder if I’ve been overdoing it. The pain, loneliness, and hopelessness of the situation keeps taking hold.

I talked to Amy after work yesterday, and ended up telling her that I’d cheated. She seemed understanding, thankfully. I may try to visit Rich and see the both of them on Sunday.

Cathy is drafting the divorce complaint, and will probably charge my card by Monday. It hurts so fucking much that this is actually happening.

I had trouble getting to sleep last night. I was a bit sore from all the bike riding, and I was stuck there thinking about what Jen had said in her letter, about me being a bystander to our pregnancy. I really hope she knows better than that. Our life together, and our baby together, that was everything to me. I ended up taking some tylenol, and heading to the master bedroom for a change, since I didn’t think i"d be able to get comfortable all cramped up in the side bedroom.

Waking up in this bed without her here is the worst part of being in this room. Having the thought then slip into my mind that another guy slept with and had sex with her in here comes in second. Feeling absolutely miserable right now.

It’s nearly time to leave for the sobriety day event in Quakertown that Joseph recommended to me. I hope that gets my mind off the pain and gets me feeling better about myself. I’ll be seeing Stephanie later on, which should be good. I’ve got a full day planned out, and that should be good for me. If I don’t keep busy, I’m going to fall apart.

2016-09-25 Sun 05:09

The SLAA event was nice. It was all about embracing feelings. There were a couple speakers, a writing exercise, and a lot of sharing. I cried on my drive over, feeling the weight of not believing anyone could ever trust me again, and that I’ve missed my chance to be the father I dreamed of being. It fucking sucked. It was good to have a welcoming place to spend my morning, and share some of that pain.

Ended up accidentally napping after I got home, and made it over to see Stephanie around 6. That was also a nice distraction.

Now that I’m back home (have been since 11), the pain is back with me. I’ve spent most of the night on the sofa, waking up every few hours.

Jen claims the reason she didn’t hire Kathy Bloom was that I was complaining about not being involved in our divorce. So here I am, driving this terrible thing forward, even though it’s the last thing in the world I want. This is so fucked up :(

2016-09-25 Sun 09:16

I’m so damned hurt and angry :(

I HATE being shut out like this. I fucking HATE it. I just want to drive over to her boyfriend’s house and … I don’t even know. Nothing smart, I’m sure. I’d be in good company being stupid, I imagine, since that dumb fucker posted his own full address on his own public instagram account.

God DAMMIT. Why am I letting her pretend I don’t exist?! Why does she occasionally respond to exercise stuff, and went and sent me an interesting article, but still goes on about her own fucked up business? What the fuck?

2016-09-25 Sun 16:12

Gave up on being upset earlier. Just,… gave up. I ended up on Tinder again,… and got a hit. I have a date Wednesday night. I don’t think I’m up for a serious relationship, but I know I’m not out for a quick fix, either. I just want to meet someone new. I need to feel like I’m capable of moving on. Maybe I’m not even ready for a date yet, but I feel like I’m ready for new friends. She’s a bike-riding fourth grade teacher from north Philadelphia that’s into IT Crowd, so it should at least make for a nice evening. So long as we don’t dive straight into relationship stuff at least, because I’m not going to hide anything if I’m asked. Besides, I need someone who can understand what happened. So, no matter how it goes, there’ll be no point in getting disappointed. The point is, someone is interested in meeting me, and I’m interested in meeting her.

Should be interesting defending this in group on Monday. Oh well.

2016-09-25 Sun 20:52

Glad to have had a meeting to go to tonight. It cuts down on the amount of time I have to worry about being alone with myself.

2016-09-25 Sun 22:18

I really hate this feeling. I hate feeling that I’m just not good enough for Jen. I hate feeling that she was able to go through so much, but can’t be bothered to even try anymore, after a year and a half of doing nothing but improving, and not repeating old mistakes. I fucking hate that she’s off with her boyfriend, and refusing to come home to me. I hate that she’s having sex with him, and not with me. I hate that no matter how much I change, she doesn’t even want to fucking know about it. She doesn’t care. She won’t care. Every fucking problem she has, we could work through. But she fucking won’t. The better I get, the more I work on myself, the more I fucking want to share that with her, and she wants no fucking part in it. Eight. Fucking. Years. Down the goddamn drain. Eight of the best years of my life, gone. If I’m not good enough for her, how am I good enough for anyone else? I know that’s bullshit, but that doesn’t stop me feeling that way. How can she do this? How can she fuck someone else, and not care how it makes me feel? How does she manage to do things that show me she still cares about me, but still hurt me like this?

Why won’t she talk to me?! How can I get to a place where she can talk to me? Why won’t she try anymore? I hate all of this. I need to get through a week, somehow, without talking to her. At all. Maybe that will help. Maybe keeping my pain, my struggle, and my fucking insanity to myself and my support network will help. Maybe. Or maybe all I’m doing is continuing to make it easy for her to not deal with any of this.

At least, with me in control of the divorce, I can drag my fucking feet with it all I please. I don’t need to sign anything right away. I don’t have to send any paperwork in right away. I don’t even care if she refinances the mortgage, I’m not signing the deed over right away. I’m not doing any of this at her pace, I’m doing it at mine.

She’ll respect the time it takes for me to deal with this, whether she likes it or not.

2016-09-25 Sun 22:42

I’m still pretty upset that Jen hasn’t responded to my apologies and response to her letter. I hope she’s at least read all of it. I really have no way of knowing.

2016-09-26 Mon 10:28

Day one of not messaging Jen at all. I’ve already cheated a little bit, leaving fresh notes and affirmations on the mirror, but I’m going to let that slide. The goal is not to text, call, or email her this week. I guess I might have to if anything happens with regard to the divorce, but I’ll cross that bridge if/when I come to it. If I have to, and can send a message dry of any emotion and limited only to information about what’s going on, then I’ll still consider it a success. There’s a good chance, though, that I won’t have to worry about that at all this week.

I told Nick about my Tinder use, and I plan to bring that up at group tonight as well. I don’t feel like I’m using it to go out and get love and sex, really. Maybe just a tiny bit, I guess, but mostly I just want friends, and I still want love and sex from my wife, not anybody else. This still may be the wrong way to go about it, though. More platonic meetups would probably be safer, and more sensible.

Today looks to be a slow work day, with the sprint winding down. I’m looking forward to getting some good biking in over lunch. If the weather holds up, I should be able to hit fifty miles this week. The stronger I get, and the more muscle tone I add, the better I feel about my body, and that feels great. Leaning on the handlebars is even working my arms out just a bit. If I start noticing real definition in my arms, chest, abs, and legs, I’m really going to get a boost from it. Here’s to keeping up the hard work!

2016-09-26 Mon 10:35

Blahhhh, the forecast is calling for rain this week? Screw that!

2016-09-26 Mon 13:17

FUCK

That goddamned fucking cunt slut whorebag bitch!

She took that fucking toolbag to the Hershey Hotel on Sunday. FUCK. I fucking HATE THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FUCKING HATE HER FOR DOING THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2016-09-26 Mon 13:52

Worked that off with a nice couple laps walking around the building with Amy. I’m so glad she was there to talk to, it was luck that I saw her in the hallway as I was leaving.

Man, this is rough. I’m so angry at her, but I have so much compassion for her and what she must be going through, and what she’s doing to herself to deal with it. But I can’t do anything for her. I can only pray that she starts to see it for herself somehow.

2016-09-26 Mon 14:11

At this point, I’m hoping she does contact me with a question or something, so I can fucking ignore her ass. Vindictive bitch.

2016-09-26 Mon 14:22

And look at that, here comes one now, responding to my question about the landscapers, and asking about splitting more of the bills.

Yup, not answering that one right now. If it bothers her enough, she can call. Maybe I’ll answer. Maybe. If I’m not too furious at the sight of her face ringing on my phone.

2016-09-26 Mon 14:25

lol, Google Inbox has a snooze feature, and one of the durations is labeled “Someday”, with a little rainbow icon. I found my new go-to for filing Jen’s emails.

2016-09-26 Mon 14:41

I wonder if I’ll ever tell Jen that I had her brand new vibrator, that she bought with Paul on South Street and took with her to Paul’s place, in my ass before she took it. I mean, I cleaned it off and disinfected it, but still. I bet she’d love to know that.

It’s my little secret. Also, I tucked the receipt, bag, and charger in the cabinet by our wedding certificate on Sunday. Just ’cause.

2016-09-26 Mon 15:12

And, now, I have the divorce complaint available to review and sign, and my credit card was charged $3500 to get it. I don’t really know what I’m going to do with it just yet, but there it is. Cathy needs an address where Jen will actually be so that she can be served the complaint propertly. That should be really fun to sort out. I’m not going to rush this, either. No harm letting it sit for a bit (until Cathy yells at me, anyway).

2016-09-26 Mon 15:32

Amy has a point, in that there isn’t much point in delaying things. It was going to happen, so I should just work on getting myself into a good place, and taking care of it. It’s going to hurt either way, maybe it will be easier to just get it over with sooner, rather than sit on it, and worry about it.

I just hate that it’s come to this, and I really hate that I’m the one pulling the trigger, while she’s off doing her own thing.

2016-09-26 Mon 16:04

On a lighter note, it apparently took a divorce to get me to properly tag my Labyrinth soundtrack album. Finally, the songs are right!

2016-09-26 Mon 22:14

Just got a text from Jen asking “Did you happen to move anything I had plugged into the outlet on my side of the bed?”. The timing on that is just too precious. She can’t even say what it is. Fuck it. Ignoring her is making me feel better.

Tonight’s group went well. I was able to work through a good deal of my anger. The guys had a good point, even the divorce is no reason for me to feel a need to engage with her. The lawyer should be able to handle that for me. That way, I don’t have to worry about her, or what she might say back to me, or what I might end up saying to her. I can simply take care of what I need to take care of, and take care of myself. Her problems are hers alone. I don’t need to sit around feeling bad for feeling angry at her, nor do I have to waste time and energy trying to open myself up to her. I only have to do what I need to do to get through this, nothing more.

2016-09-27 Tue 09:33

Was thinking of things I’d like to be saying to Jen right now as I drove to work this morning.

Things like:

• Yes, I did move something, I know precisely what it is, what it charges, where you got it, when you got it, and with whom. I hid it somewhere safe.
• I can’t talk to you anymore, you do nothing but hurt me and I’m better off without you right now.
• I won’t damage nor throw away your things, but I’m not going to make it easy for you to continue to hurt me with your behavior, either.
• You’re out of control, and you need to slow down.
• I’m coping with this in a healthier way than you are.
• I’m not just better than what you think of me, I’m better than I’ve ever been, and you don’t deserve me anymore.
• You don’t deserve better, and you’ll never have what you could’ve had with me with anyone else, if you don’t learn to talk and be honest about your feelings.
• If you want so much sex, you should consider your fucking husband, instead of sleeping around and hurting him as he’s trying to file your divorce.
• I got a lawyer to protect myself from you.

Feels good to get that out, even if only into my journal. Amy was right, I think. Embracing my anger is a better place for me right now than sitting in guilt. I shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling mad at Jen’s behavior. Fuck what she’s doing, and fuck her lack of concern for what it’s doing to me. I don’t have to make anything easy for her any longer, I only have to take care of myself as I see fit.

2016-09-27 Tue 11:54

You know, technically, she didn’t have the vibe charger plugged in. So I didn’t move anything she had plugged in by the bed… (eyeroll)

2016-09-27 Tue 14:49

Had a nice lunch with Stephanie, and got through sprint planning. Today’s not going too badly at all. I heard back from Cathy earlier, she’ll handle reaching out to Jen for an address for serving the divorce complaint. So far, so good.

I’m a little disappointed that the weather turned out to be nice today, I was expecting rain, and didn’t bring my bike. I’ll have to get by with an afternoon jog, and maybe hop onto the elliptical later tonight for a while.

Got to figure out what to do with myself tonight. I really should spend time getting my laundry folded, hung, and wrinkle-free. Maybe lay some stuff out for tomorrow. I’m not about to bail on my date. Even if I know a relationship isn’t what I need, it couldn’t hurt to have a nice time with someone new. It doesn’t have to last or turn into anything more than a brief, casual friendship. No matter what happens, it’ll be good to be out for a change, continuing to push out of my old comfort zones, and give myself a reason to keep taking better care of myself.

2016-09-27 Tue 23:47

Heck of an evening. Pulled into the driveway, and got a text from Jen asking how to get her therapy session covered by insurance. She’s a big girl, and she should have a card, she can figure that out.

I found a letter to me she left on the sofa. I didn’t read it. I scanned it, and stapled it shut. I’ll deal with it at therapy on Friday. She apparently made brownies, too, and left a chunk for me.

I got some more texts from her, upset that I’m ignoring her, and frustrated that I didn’t tell her I moved her stuff. I’m still not going to respond, I don’t see how it’d be good for me to. I drafted a couple different notes, explaining that I moved her stuff out of sight, and that I wasn’t going to read her letter yet, and that I don’t think either of us are in shape to be talking. Instead, I just left a note saying her stuff is safe, and that I just had to move it out of sight. There doesn’t seem to be much point in opening up about anything else.

I texted Nick about all that, and about my date tomorrow as well. I think I’m ok to go through with it. He says to just see how it goes, too. We both know I’m not up for a relationship, certainly not a physical one, yet, but a friend could be nice.

I also texted with Stephanie a little, and she also seemed to think I’m doing the right thing continuing to leave Jen alone, and not going into stuff with her.

I got some good stuff done tonight. Got my laundry folded and hung. Got the divorce complaint signed. Relaxed a bit, now I’m just writing all this down so I can get to bed. Good night, Journal.

2016-09-28 Wed 17:37

Goddamned emails. Jen sent an update that she’s trying USAA now for the mortgage financing, and looking forward to closing Nov 15th “if everything goes well”. I’m not even ready to think about letting her have the house yet. I still have to understand what the house means to me, and how much I value it. I still have to understand the value of my remaining assets in my retirement accounts. If she doesn’t like it, too bad. We’re not husband and wife anymore. I can no longer count on her not screwing me, in more ways than one.

2016-09-28 Wed 20:33

What an amazing way to spend the evening. I met Liz for pizza after work. I was a little frustrated, as I didn’t leave as early as I’d planned, but got there around 6 on the dot. Sure enough, she had just gotten out of her car, too, so all that anxiety about how I’d find and meet her inside just fell right away. We recognized each other right away, greeted each other, and headed straight on inside.

I’m on cloud nine. We had such a wonderful conversation. Ordered a couple beers, got a pizza with mushrooms, and just talked and talked. Talked about work, hers and mine. Talked about pets. Talked about our relationships (she has an ex as well). Talked about school and ambitions. Talked about family, and alcoholism in our family history a little. Talked about travel. She talked about Germany, I talked about Japan. Talked about biking. We just talked and talked and talked, and it was so easy and natural. We talked about how germans thought she sang really well at karaoke while drunk, which she attributed to having the right accent for the songs. I talked about doing karaoke in the city, and how I wanted to do that again sometime soon. Who knows, hopefully we will. It just feels so nice to have fun talking to someone, and being myself with.

It’s hard to believe it was only a couple hours, we talked so much. We talked about smoking, and how we’ve tried it a little, but not cared for it, and certainly not for the stink and the addictive aspects of it. She mentioned she didn’t mind marijuana, and I told her how I’ve been around it, never tried, but never been bothered by it either. I was able to share how I felt about it, how I felt mellow and weird enough. It was such a good time. We talked seriously a bit about our relationships, and what felt wrong about them. Her ex didn’t care for what she cared for, and vice versa, and she said they never really fought either. She learned a lot about what she wants and needs in a relationship, just as I have.

Her parents live in Perkasie, and she spent time there, so we could relate to locations and things as well. It was just so… easy. So normal, to have a great conversation with a great person, and feel both interested and interesting.

I’m really glad I made this date. It made my night, my day, my whole week, probably my whole month. Hopefully we’ll talk more. I think she’ll be an amazing friend, at the very least.

2016-09-28 Wed 22:36

Got to remember to ask Liz where in Old City she said she had an awesome Moscow Mule.

2016-09-29 Thu 10:12

I guess $200 for therapy would seem expensive, after spending $474 at the fucking Hershey Hotel & Spa. What a cunt.

2016-09-29 Thu 21:09

Jen’s got yet another Facebook profile picture, this time taken from our sofa, posted 20 hours ago. I swear, she’s just doing this to fuck with me.

2016-09-29 Thu 21:26

It’s not even 9:30, and I’m running out of crap to do. Sucks sitting alone this long. I’m supposed to be on call for tonight’s release starting at midnight… no idea how I’ll pass the time.

I saw a note Jen wrote on an envelope in the trash, she must’ve thrown it out after writing it. It said:

Why are you moving my stuff? You should be packing your things unless you decided to go back on your promise. Where is my stuff? I’ve spent 30 mins trying to find it all. What are you doing???

I wonder what even prompted her to throw it away. I also wonder why she thinks I made a promise. We agreed, but I never promised, and I have every right to change my mind, or at least to wait until I’m ready to follow through with anything. I don’t have to be ok with doing anything at her pace, I can do what I need to do for myself at my own pace. If I decide to move her stuff out of the room while she’s spending all of her nights someplace else, that’s what I’m going to do. If she’s happy skulking around here while I’m at work or at my meetings, fine. Whatever. I’m not obligated to explain myself. It’s not like she’s explaining herself. If she cares, if she actually wants the answer to any of those questions, all she has to do is come home. All she has to do is come and talk. If she’s worried about how I’m feeling, she can come ask me how I’m feeling. If she’s worried about what I’m doing, she can come ask me what I’m doing. I’m not hiding anything. Well, besides her goddamned vibrator charger, but fuck it. Boo hoo. She’s the one that left that, and its fucking receipt, out for me to find. She should be grateful that hiding it is all I’ve done.

2016-09-30 Fri 17:30

Therapy today was really good. I got through everything I wanted to cover :)

I went over my feelings the past week with dealing with Jen’s nonsense and moving the divorce forward. I talked about how I’ve been continuing to come out of my shell, and start meeting people. I talked about how I feel like I’m doing good with moving forward healthily, and having the strength to cope with temptation.

I read Jen’s letter while I was there, and I’m glad I saved it for today. It was actually pretty good to read through it while there. None of it surprised or really hurt me. Some of it was kind of hurtful, she still holds that I’m selfish, that I don’t get to feel like a victim, but that’s just where she is right now. That’s a shame, for her. It doesn’t bother me as much anymore that she continues to feel that way. That’s her business, now. I’m in such a fundamentally better place these days, thanks to all the recovery I’ve had, and thanks even to the divorce itself shattering me and letting me rebuild myself anew. I’m so much more honest now, with myself and with others. I’m so much more comfortable with myself now that I don’t have to face her judgement. I’ve got so many great people around me that support me as I am, and it feels amazing. I’m meeting great new people, and I’m able to talk to them easily, and make genuine connections. I still love her, and I still have a little hope she’ll come around, but I don’t need to wait for that anymore. It can happen while there’s still time. It can happen when it’s too late. It just doesn’t matter what she does, it only matters what I do, and how I feel. And right now, I’m feeling good. I feel good about myself, I feel good about my progress. I feel confident in my ability to move forward, be happy, and make other people happy too. I’m such a better man these days, and I feel ready to share that with the world. So what if just one person doesn’t want any part in that?

I’m an awesome guy, and I’m getting better every single day. I deserve to be myself, and be proud of who I am. I deserve to move on from this with my head held high. I’m better than my mistakes, so very much better. And people can see that.

I’m looking forward to a really good weekend :)

2016-09-30 Fri 18:52

Jen texted me when I got home. She was in a hit-and-run car accident :(

She’s ok, thank god. She said the car got pretty damaged when some asshole in a red Camaro hit her on the turnpike westbound near Fort Washington, but that she was alright. Apparently the car was ok enough for her to follow him and get his license plate number, too. I called to make sure she’s ok, and told her she should still see a doctor just to be sure, because pain from an accident can take a couple days to be noticeable.

I’m just so glad she’s alright. And grateful that she let me know.

2016-10-02 Sun 08:20

Yesterday was … interesting.

Jen texted me in the morning, asking if she could come by to do laundry. I, naturally, told her she didn’t need to ask. I didn’t have many plans, so I let her know that as well. I had a hair appointment at 1, and plans to see Ron later that night.

She came by about an hour before I had to leave, and we chatted a bit. We talked about the accident, and a bit about the mortgage. I felt a little uneasy, but generally not too bad.

After my haircut, I went to the bike shop for my tune-up. I figured it’d be best to give her some space, and do a little bit more for myself before heading back. I got hooked up with a jersey & shorts, cleats, and new pedals. Those guys are awesome.

Jen was still home when I got back. I awkwardly made myself a sandwich, ate barely half of it, then we talked more. She wanted to know a timeline for when I’d be out and whether there’d be any problem with her mortgage settlement being in November. I told her that my head was still spinning, and that I needed a little more time. I don’t know whether she’ll consider that, but I agreed to chat with my attorney to clarify how the timing of the mortgage interacts with the timing of the divorce. She says she’s sick of being a burden on her friends, and seemed adamant that she wasn’t nor wanted to be staying at her boyfriend’s place. I offered a compromise, saying I could make an effort to be out by November, if she could postpone the mortgage settlement.

We also talked a bit on our feelings about things. I brought up how distraught I’ve been over seeing her with another guy. She brought up how unstable I appeared as I blasted those emotions at her. Both her parents apparently feared for her, which makes me feel awful. They both thought I’d take Myles away from her, too, which I would never do. Her mother thought I’d do it out of spite, and her father thought I’d do it to have something dear to her to hold on to for myself. It’s really sad, being so misunderstood and mistrusted.

It wasn’t an easy conversation, but it wasn’t a bad one, either. I got a little upset, but I was generally ok. I wasn’t mean at all, and only got choked up a bit. I ended up telling her where I put her stuff, and why I moved it. Including the vibe charger, which I’d hid separately in the cabinet with our marriage certificate. I told her that I did hide that out of spite, and apologized. I emphasized that I don’t want to do anything more to hurt her, but I need to do things now for myself. I hope she can understand that.

2016-10-03 Mon 10:37

Yesterday was amazing.

Took my time getting up, probably didn’t bother getting out of bed until around one. Was super excited about my date with Hannah.

2016-10-03 Mon 14:19

Got distracted by work :p

I panicked a little just as I was leaving to meet her, but got on my way and had an amazing time. I picked her up near her house, we drove down into Chinatown. The ride was nice. Hannah is a talker, and so that kept me engaged. I was getting a little quiet as we were ordering our ramen, but that fell away pretty easily. Karaoke was a lot of fun, too. We got a handful of drinks (a sake flight, a glass of a citrus/green tea liqueur, and later a bottle of sake) and some mochi ice cream. The song selection interface at Yakitori Boy is a pain in the ass, but we managed pretty well anyway. Did some fun 80s songs, some green day, some Taylor Swift, Queen, Love Shack… it was a great time :)

Afterwards, we walked over to the Sanrio store, I picked up a babymetal figurine, then we headed back to her place. We cuddled and talked on the sofa for a while. I opened up some more about my history, and my sex addiction, and how I cheated with guys, what I was thinking and dealing with at the time, and how I’ve been recovering and dealing with the divorce. She shared about her past relationships, too. It was so refreshing, and so comfortable. We made out a bit, she’s an amazing kisser, and definitely appreciated some light massaging. I was rock hard and pushing against my jeans through most of that, and she confessed that she was looking as we kissed ;)

Her husband Matt came home before long, and we hung out, talked, and watched @midnight together. He’s a good guy too, easy to talk to. We talked about his guitar playing, and about dismantling xboxes (he does hardware design). It was a great night.

The only thing that’s been on my mind is how I feel long-term about having a relationship with her, but I mentioned that too today, and I think it’s fine right now to just focus on now. She’s so appreciative of my honesty and openness, and sounds happy to hear me out with whatever may come.

So, today (still sober/celibate, btw), my head is just floating back around her sofa daydreaming a bit. I’m really looking forward to seeing her again.

I’ll have to figure out what to do with the rest of my dating. I’ve been talking to some great people. I think I may keep them as the friends I was after. I don’t think the other women were non-monogamous, and I doubt I’m quite ready to take that leap, either. Both guys I talked to seem like good friend material, too. If anything does end up happening later down the line, it’ll happen, and I can decide what to do with that then. I do still wonder about having some kind of genuine relationship with a guy, because I do find that intriguing, but if I do, I want it to be healthy, and I don’t want to be sneaking anything around. I cannot and will not abide any more secrets or shame.

2016-10-04 Tue 10:25

Good grief, what a morning. Woke up horny as hell (as if I wasn’t enough last night, too). Not letting myself release yet, but shit, it is starting to get uncomfortable.

Packed up my bike, and had my bag of equipment ready to go. Took the bike out first, headed back in, set the alarm, locked up, and headed out. When I got to the office, I went to grab my bag, and …. not there. Panicked. Texted mom, who thankfully was able to head right on over to look for it. Turns out my dumb ass left it next to the door, inside the house, waiting for me to grab it on my way back out. Still coming down from that awful adrenaline rush. On the up side, there’s nothing in the way of a nice lunch with Stephanie, and I didn’t lose $400 of biking equipment and headphones, so things are ok. Shame it has my deodorant and cologne in there, considering I’m meeting Laura for dinner after work today, but I’m washed, so I should be fine.

2016-10-05 Wed 16:50

Haven’t felt compelled to journal, which I’m taking as sign that I’m generally doing better these days.

Met Laura for dinner last night after work, and had a nice chat. Tonight, I’m going down to see Hannah again, and I’m really looking forward to it :)

The divorce complaint is officially filed with the courts, and will be mailed out to Jen by Friday. Cathy was kind enough to clarify further with Jen how the process works, what the timeline looks like, and what to expect going forward with equitable distribution. She’s been great overall, so far.

I’ve got to start looking for a place to move, figure out where all my stuff will go, and start getting more of it packed. Should keep me occupied this weekend. For now, though, I’m going to keep doing me.

The weather today was freaking awesome, got a really good ride in. Work’s been a hassle, being constantly pulled in different directions to look at or patch things in the upcoming release. Joking with Josh and the rest of the guys helps deal with that, though. Plus, you know, dating and chatting. Melissa saw my instagram today, and complimented the crap out of me, which was awesome! She’s adorable, too. I hope we get to hang out sometime soon :)

2016-10-12 Wed 10:40

What a week it’s been. I can’t believe I’ve hardly even looked at my journal.

Friday night I went with Hannah to a poetry slam, and it was awesome! She read a fun bit titled “Rejected Cosmo Sex Tips”. There was a whole lot of really awesome stuff presented, and a whole lot of raw emotion and heavy stuff. I got myself a tshirt there to commemorate it, lady’s large :). We went down to a diner for some pancakes afterwards, then headed home. It was a great night :)

Saturday, I slept in a good bit. I was super excited, though. I had plans to see Melissa at 7 in the evening! I talked some more with Hannah, unfortunately she’d overslept and ended up not going to a party she was planning to attend.

Meep. Melissa. Holy fucking shit, what a night. I pulled up, she greeted me on the sidewalk, and we made out right then and there. I got rapidly acquainted with her tongue stud ;)

It was 10:30 before I realized we hadn’t even had dinner yet. We spent all of that time in her bed, having a hell of a time. It’s so fucking amazing how sexually compatible we are! So, so much foreplay. Tons of kissing, tons of groping, nibbling, and fingering. Good god does she get wet. And fuck, the squirting. I made her cum so much, she absolutely drenched me. My whole torso turned into a slip’n’slide. It was the best foreplay and sex I’ve ever had, and that was only the beginning.

We took a break for dinner, finally. We fried up some fish & fries, and hung out in the basement with her roomies, watching some DBZA. Before long, though, we were back at it. We spent some time lying there, cuddling and chatting, making out, and generally enjoying the hell out of each other’s bodies. We pulled out my toy bag and had some fun with that. She licked and fingered my ass, and it was fucking heavenly. She fucked me a bit with my 8" black dildo. We fucked some more. I didn’t even have any cum left to give, but it didn’t matter. By then, it was probably around 4 or 5 in the morning, and we just spent like half an hour, maybe longer, just with her gently rocking back and forth on my hard cock. It felt so fucking amazing. Romantic, even, just locking eyes and slowly enjoying it. We cuddled more after, spooned, and got some rest. It was so fucking nice. Later in the morning, after we’d woken up, we fooled around some more, and she fucked me with her purple strapon. God, it felt so good. We just seem to click so well together. I even got to leave with one of her pairs of panties that don’t fit her anymore, nice cotton Bart Simpson ones ;)

So, yeah. Saturday was a hell of a day :)

Sunday, too. Hannah came over around lunchtime, and we went up to Brick House, then wandered the mall for a bit. She helped me pick out 6 lovely new pairs of panties at Nordstroms, I helped her pick out a new bra at Torrid, and I ended up getting an awesome Legend of Zelda dress at Hot Topic. We went back to my place and did a little fashion show, a lot of cuddling, and more. I even managed to get her to squirt a bit. She’d thought she’d only wet her panties, but she had, in fact, made a nice puddle on the sheets, too. I was still a bit exhausted from Saturday, but with the help of my aneros and my rubber ring, I managed to give her a good time, too :)

I guess in retrospect, I shouldn’t have had her over to the house for sexy times, but oh well.

I got an email from Jen on Monday at work, sharing her “concern” about my being on a dating site, that she felt I might be burying my pain in relationships and sex, and telling me that she didn’t want me to feel worse, and that I should be talking to my group about all of this. It felt a bit unwelcome, and hypocritical. I didn’t respond, though I did share about it with Steph, Melissa and Hannah. Later on, as I was getting to and leaving the wawa on my way to group, Jen called. I ignored it at first, but she persisted, and texted me saying we needed to talk, on the phone, before I went to group. She’d discovered that I’d had sex in the house, and called me a hypocrite for it. She was really upset that I’d “gotten over her so fast”. After she got some of that out, we were able to have a far calmer conversation. I assured her that no, I wasn’t “over her”, and never will be. I’m only over the fact that our relationship is over. I don’t love her any less, I just had to move on. I told her how open I’ve been, with my group, and with everyone else. I told her how I was feeling, and how I was doing my best to take care of myself. We talked about us both being unsure that, even if we’d gotten through the cheating, whether we were right for each other to remain married. Overall, it was a nice talk, and it felt good to be able to share that with her, and have her share some of her feelings with me, and have it not be nasty. She even ended up emailing me yesterday to catch up further, just letting me know some of the things she’s been up to with friends, work, and how she was feeling about her grandfather, how he’s been doing, and some of the problems with her family and taking care of him. It was really nice.

Group went well, too. I missed all of education, sitting out in the car and talking with Jen, but it was good that I did so. We had a couple new faces in the group, and they were pretty open, and it made for a pretty lively discussion. I stuck around for the meeting, too, and got to hear Joseph share his story again, this time with a stronger emphasis on his recovery. It’ll be weird when he eventually leaves the group. It’ll make me the longest standing member of the group, which seems insane, given all the experience that was in there when I joined. Still, I’m looking forward to sticking with it. It’s such a great thing for me, and I know everyone in that room, old and new, are like family to me.

I spent a lot of time last night talking to Melissa. She was hanging out with Tony, keeping him company, as he’s been a bit lonely lately and having a tough time. We chatted a whole lot about addiction, and mental illness, and all sorts of personal struggles and things. It’s so rewarding to open up with her, and have her open up to me. I don’t just miss the sex, I miss her, and we’ve only been together once! I’m sure we’ll hang out again real soon, though :)

Some sad news this morning. Jen’s grandfather passed. She texted me to let me know as I was driving in this morning. God, I hope she’s doing ok. It’s so sad, she’d just been telling me how worried she was about him, and now this. She says they don’t even want to have a funeral. It’s just so terrible. I wish I could be there for her, and offer support, but I don’t know how welcome it’d be. I really feel for her, though. I know they were close :(

I’m meeting a guy, Nick, after work today for dinner at Brick House. He seems nice, and I’m really excited and curious to see how my first date with a guy goes. I think a nice guy would round out what I’m looking for pretty nicely right now. Hannah and Melissa are amazing. I just want to find a nice guy to see where that can go as well, and enjoy that side of myself in a good, healthy way. Not sure if he’ll be into the poly stuff or not, or how I’ll even feel about him, but we’ll see. It should be an interesting night :)

2016-10-16 Sun 10:57

Today, I’m heading out to look for a new place to rent.

I’m not excited. I’m depressed. I don’t like that I’m leaving my home behind. As I look at places, I’m not seeing them as what they are, I’m seeing them as what they aren’t. I’m not seeing what I want to find, I’m seeing what they do or do not have that I have now.

I’m hoping that having Hannah with me as I look will help correct my perspective. I need to move on, somehow. I’m just so fucking sad that the place I thought was finally my home has turned out to be just another temporary hop along what feels like a constant history of moving around without getting anywhere. And now I’ll be renting again, which just reinforces the lack of permanence to all of this. I thought I was settled down, but now I’m off again, aimless, and feeling rushed.

I know Jen misses her home, too,… but she’s coming back to it. I…

… I never will.

2016-10-24 Mon 21:46

Things have been going pretty well, I think. Jen was over for a good part of the day on Saturday. We broke down Danielle’s bed frame, went through some stuff to split up. We agreed I could take the bed frame, and she’d just replace it.

We talked a lot, really. Pretty openly. It was really good. I’m glad we can talk about things. The good things, and the not so good, and the difficult. We even talked a little about our dating. She talked about Paul, and I talked about dating poly people. She wants me to be able to talk to her about anything, and that’s really nice to know. I hope that she can be comfortable talking to me, too.

Some sadness hit me today, as I was heading to group. I was feeling sad that, in spite of all this progress, we’re still getting divorced, and I’m still moving out. I know that isn’t really the right way to look at it, but it’s how my head twisted things on me today. It’s just really sad that our time together is coming to an end. It’s good for us, I think. I mean, clearly, it has been. It’s still sad, though, and it’s ok for me to feel that way sometimes. I’m glad I’ve got lots of people now that I can talk about it with, that care, and want to help.

2016-10-24 Mon 23:08

Had some nice conversations with Hannah, Melissa, and especially Stephanie. I’m so glad to have great people to talk to these days!

2016-10-26 Wed 11:13

Signed my lease this morning. That’s one more step down. Got Zero’s vaccination history from the vet beforehand, seems he’s still on my own separate account there, so that’s another thing I don’t need to worry about splitting out. Jen says she’s going to be heading to Peddler’s Village with Myles on the 5th to be out of the way while I move stuff. Kind of a shame she won’t be around, but I guess that’s for the best?

Got my first manicure & pedicure last night, which was really nice. My toes are painted, and my fingernails are all shiny with a clear coat on them. It was a pretty relaxing experience, was fun to do that with Melissa :)

Still feeling sad that things are moving forward, but there’s nothing I can do about that but feel it. It still bugs me that though Jen is facebook friends with me again, I seem to be restricted, as I can still only see public and tagged / direct posts. It also bugs me every time I see her name on there as Jennifer Davis. It just sucks. I do still wish we could work things out somehow, but I really don’t know that we even could. I’m glad we’re talking so much more lately, though, and so openly. I hope it keeps up. Just gotta let things continue on, one day at a time.

2016-10-27 Thu 01:46

Today was a long day, and a stressful one. I had to run to the vet in the morning to get Zero’s vaccination history, then head over and sign my lease. So, it was productive. Then I got into work, sat in for about 20 minutes of what was left of a planning meeting. Then got sucked into a shoot for the holiday video. Left for and ate lunch late, which I did at the mall to try and look for something for my halloween costume. Once back, I started eating my sandwich, and got waylaid about the API issue in production I’d been working on. I managed to get that wrangled, though, and got home and was able to unwind and relax alone. I was ready for bed around 11, ended up passing out on the sofa til a little after 1.

Jen texted me, she said she needed to come home tomorrow. She said she was 5 seconds away from coming home tonight, that she couldn’t sleep where she is. I told her to come home, and prepped the mattress in the spare room for myself to sleep on tonight. I’m really worried about her. I don’t know where she’s been, whether she was with Adriana, or with Paul,… it doesn’t matter. I’m worried about her. She should be here soon. I hope she’s ok.

2016-10-27 Thu 02:12

Sounds like she’s not coming home after all… She’s just having a really hard time. It sounds like Paul is talking to other girls on Tinder and Reddit and such behind her back, and it’s upsetting her a lot, and making her feel like she’s just not good enough for anybody. I’m not sure, but it sounded like she wanted to come home, and hear me tell her she’s better than that, and that she is beautiful, and that she is good enough, but was worried that immediately after she’d remember all the pain I caused her, and she would be right back to all the pain she was feeling. She’s worried she’s making rash decisions in the middle of the night, and told me she’s ok, and that she’ll stay where she is tonight, and figure things out over the next couple of days. I just reminded her that even as we divorce, I’m still here for her if she needs anything, including having the house back to herself right away, if that’s what she needs, and that she can always call and tell me anything.

I guess I’ll head to bed now.

2016-10-30 Sun 10:53

2016-10-31 Mon 11:31

What a weekend.

Friday, I went in to work late, after getting to the doctor to see about this damned cough. My post-nasal drip has still been acting up something fierce, so I ended up getting some nasal spray and antibiotics. I’m looking forward to being rid of this.

Jen was home when I got home, and we ended up spending most of the evening together before she eventually left again. It was nice to just hang out for a while.

Saturday was the halloween party, so I slept in a bit, then headed out to prepare. I treated myself to another brazilian wax, and picked up some fake blood and liquid latex, and a small bottle of brandy for the hell of it. The party was a lot of fun. A little weird to be going alone, but still fun. I rocked my Inigo Montoya, and got to see the McAllisters doing Wreck It Ralph and Vannelope. Surprisingly, neither of us went home with an award, though, the competition is getting tougher :)

Jen had been at the renaissance fair earlier Saturday, with Paul (I noticed as much from his Instagram), and apparently was at a party that night with some of his friends. I gather she’d have preferred to be at Mike’s. I made sure she got to enjoy some costume photos, at least.

My original plan on Sunday was to do some packing in the morning, but ended up not getting much accomplished. I made plans to hang out with Hannah that evening, and ended up deciding to go earlier. Jen was going to drop by in the afternoon to do some laundry, so I figured I didn’t have a very compelling reason to just wait around.

She ended up coming home as I was getting ready to leave, and I stuck around for an hour or so, and we talked some more. She admitted she’d been staying with Paul since her trip. It’s not a surprise to me, I suspected as much, but I’m glad she felt up to telling me. She told me things weren’t good with them, that they haven’t even been having sex, but that he’s been going out and having sex with other girls while telling her she can’t go see anyone else herself. She’s been feeling really miserable, and putting a lot on herself thinking she’s just not good enough for anyone. Plus, she feels guilted into staying, because he’s been telling her everybody just ends up leaving him, and he just knows she’s going to be the next to do it. Which is pretty fucked up, IMHO. She deserves better than that. She told me she was going to head back there, get her stuff, and come back home. We hugged, cried, and kissed a little.

We’d also talked a bit about us. She says she has an inkling now of what it must’ve felt like to be rejected so much. Not that it in any way justified what I did, but she feels she can understand a little, now. She also said she’d thought several times about coming home and having sex with me, if just to prove to herself that she’s still desirable. I admitted it’d crossed my mind a little too, but that I knew that wouldn’t be good for either of us. She said she felt I was the only person she could do that with and not feel awful afterwards, that she couldn’t possibly do that with some stranger, but that with me it wouldn’t be that bad. I simply told her that I think it’d leave us feeling uncomfortable and confused, and that I wouldn’t do that to her.

I ended up meeting Hannah, Matt, and Elliot at the park. We played frisbee for a while and hung out, then headed back to the house for some Soul Calibur V, till Matt headed out with Elliot. Then we got some quality alone time :)

It made for a really nice night.

I was a bit surprised, though, to get home and not see Jen there. Apparently, she’d gone there to wait and talk to him first, and he didn’t get home til around 1am. She texted me this morning saying she may stay there through Saturday, saying she’s trying to make it work. I hope she just means trying to stay away from the house til I’m out. I don’t want her to force herself to stay in a toxic environment for my sake,… I’d rather make other arrangements than let that happen. She really appreciated me worrying and caring about her, though, and talking through stuff with her. I’m really glad we can still do that for each other.

There’s just one more thing that stuck with me from Sunday. While she was talking about how she felt about me. She said she wasn’t going to bother feeling guilty about stuff, and specifically, that she wasn’t going to feel bad about her feelings towards me. She said, “we’re not divorced yet, after all”. That’s the first time she’s said anything like that. It used to be, it’s over, why do you need a piece of paper to believe it’s over. Now, she’s acknowledged that the divorce isn’t finished yet. She really is facing this a day at a time, too, now, and I’m happy for her. I hope she’s able to get herself into a better situation, and keep healing. I still love her, and want the best for her, after all. Hopefully, when she’s got her home back, that’ll help a lot. I recommended she keep at it with therapy, too, for what that’s worth.

2016-11-10 Thu 11:21

What a week so far.

Fucking election. Got out, got my vote in, and headed down to hang out with Hannah, Matt, Shelaine, and Elliot to watch the results come in. Some gin and pizza later, it started becoming obvious that Trump was probably going to win. Ugh. It was nice to not be alone, though, and to have someone to hug through it. Headed home a bit late, hoping maybe something would happen while I slept. I woke up to the news that he’d won, and had even won Pennsylvania.

Felt lousy, ended up masturbating in the morning. Headed in to work, and chatted with Stephanie, and with Kerry. We were all feeling a bit down, and a bit scared. Them even moreso. It’ll be a tough four years, I expect. I’m glad I can at least spread some love around and be there for my friends.

Got a dining room table off Mike yesterday, and got that set up. Cooked myself up one of my big meals from Wegmans, which was really good, and watched a couple really appropriate TNG episodes (The Wounded & The Drumhead).

Jen will be visiting tonight, and will be bringing dinner. I’m looking forward to it, but at the same time, I have some feelings to deal with, too. It still bothers me knowing that she’s suddenly got a new pile of sex toys and condoms. It bothers me that she’s suddenly so sexual, when she wasn’t for most of our relationship. It’s hard not to feel like something was wrong with me, like I wasn’t good enough for her, and was such a turn-off for her. I know better, but I still feel lousy. It’s also worrying, because it’s such a change for her. Her life must feel upside down, and I worry about how she’s doing with everything. There’s also some confusion with how we feel about each other. I mean, we do still love and care for each other. She seemed excited to be able to cook for me again. Apparently since Paul is such a picky eater, she doesn’t get to enjoy making lots of stuff as much lately.

I ended up masturbating again this morning, after watching more porn again, and using one of my toys this time, which delayed my morning routine and made me late again. I need to get back on track with that, I think, and not let it interfere like that. I kind of wonder if it’s all the feelings I’ve got about Jen and I and the divorce that got me into that mood this morning. I sort of wonder if I was trying to throw a wrench into my libido so I don’t have to deal with it tonight. Either way, it didn’t feel especially healthy.

Just feeling a little screwed up, but I’ll be ok. I’ve got good support. For a moment, even that got me thinking something bad, like I’m far luckier with my friends and support than I deserve to be. That’s not a good way to feel, either, like I feel bad that I did what I did, but I’ve got all this support now, while Jen may not. But that’s only because she hasn’t really sought it out. Or maybe she doesn’t need it. I don’t know. I can’t expect what’s right for me to be right for her. I just want us both to get better.

2016-11-21 Mon 13:44

Lots of feelings this weekend, and today.

Stephanie was over on Friday, after the company happy hour. It was really nice. A little awkward, though, as Steph had been clear earlier that we wouldn’t go fast, but things seemed to be getting there anyway. Knowing that, I had no intentions of taking things beyond making out, but I think it still felt a little uncomfortable as things got a little physical. It still made for a great evening, though, and since we were clear about communicating about stuff, I think we both had a really good time :)

Was a bit miffed at myself on Saturday. It was warm, getting up to 70, and nice out. I spent most of the day, though, loafing around naked. I’d been expecting Hannah to come by around 2 or so, thinking maybe we’d wander over to the trail and enjoy the weather. Instead, she had some car trouble, and I ended up heading down to pick her up. It was dark by the time we got back up to my place. We still had a good time, though. We ordered in some pizza, then went out to see Doctor Strange.

After keeping each other up a bit late, and getting some nice sleep together, we eventually headed back to her place, then out for lunch/dinner and some shopping in the city. We ended up seeing Imani for drinks afterwards, too. It was a really nice weekend, overall.

I did notice Paul’s car in Jen’s driveway on Saturday as I came back with Hannah, and she’d posted a photo of him earlier at the Build-A-Bear in the mall. That bugged me. It shouldn’t, maybe, but it still does. I posted my own photo with Hannah from the Continental on Sunday.

Got to work, and got news from Stephanie that she’s separating from Steven :(

We did lunch, and had a chat. She feels weird, having one relationship end as another begins (with me). I hope I can be there for her, and be as good a friend to her as she’s been to me through my separation. I know she’s really hesitant to put too much on me, and feels it’d be rude to text me all of the time, like when I’m with Hannah. I respect that, I just hope I can offer her the time I do have.

2016-11-25 Fri 01:19

I know I probably shouldn’t be, but I’m fucking angry.

I mean, it’s ok that I am, and it’s not wrong that I am. I just need to be sure I’m angry in here, and not angry in ways I shouldn’t. I’m angry that Jen had Paul over today for Thanksgiving. I’m angry that he was there while her dad was there. I’m angry that I wasn’t with her. I’m really angry that he’s still there, staying the night. And there’s fuck all I can say or do about it. I’m angry because I’m convinced he’s only there because she can’t stand to be alone. I’m angry because I know he isn’t good for her. I’m angry because I know she knows he isn’t good for her. I can’t fucking stand him. I can’t fucking stand that she let him into her life, and continues to let him be in her life. I’m so fucking angry about all of that, and I know I can’t tell her that, because it’s not my fucking business anymore.

I mean, fuck. I spent a good amount of time yesterday talking to her on facebook. I came over and had dinner there and talked some more, before taking some stuff with me from the house. Seeing Paul going up to the door as I drove past to pick up Mom to head to Maggie’s place was like a slap in the goddamn face. Seeing him post a picture of Myles to his instagram irritated me. Seeing his fucking car moved from the parking lot to the driveway when I drove past a short while ago on my way back to my apartment, alone, really set me the fuck off. I know I probably shouldn’t have driven past the house. I didn’t need to. I did it anyway. I’m really just upsetting myself, sticking my nose into it. But fuck, I’m angry, and there’s nothing to be done about that now.

So, into the journal it goes. Better here than anywhere else. Better to vent here than to bother Jen with any of it, or let it seep out in some passive-agressive way. Better to just get it out, and leave her the fuck alone.

Honestly, today was a pretty good day. It was a hard day, but a really good one. Visiting Maggie and hanging out with the girls was awesome. Chatting with mom before heading home was great. Messaging Stephanie and Hannah while they were out visiting their own relatives was nice. There was a lot about today that was really good, and I’m so thankful for all of that. I have a lot of good stuff going on these days. I did pretty well, considering how hard this clearly was anyway. I still had a really good time today, and for the most part, was really happy. I just needed to get that bullshit off my chest.

It sucks to come back home alone, and it sucks knowing that she’s not dealing with being alone tonight, even though I suspect it’ll hurt her more in the long run to do what she’s doing. But I can only do what’s right for me, I can’t control what she does. And what’s right for me is dumping this into my journal so I can get some rest, and start tomorrow fresh. And so I have. Time for bed :)

2016-12-21 Wed 01:10

I really haven’t been using my journal much lately. I probably should be, at least from time to time.

I’m feeling frustrated with myself. Stephanie was over tonight. We ordered a pizza, and she gave me a christmas gift: a pair of screw-backed clip on earrings. We watched an episode of Adam Ruins Everything while we ate, and that was it for the TV. We kissed, we cuddled, we stripped bit by bit, grinded, made out, all of that. After a while of both of us being pretty hot and bothered, we stopped for a bit, and went upstairs. I’d cooled down by the time we got to the bedroom. We cuddled and made out some more, and I tried to get going, but just went limp. Again. I feel just awful. This seems to keep happening, and it seems to keep happening with her. I don’t think it’s her, I mean, I was sure ready to go beforehand. But it was getting later, I knew I had to drive her home before it got too late, my congestion was bothering me, and feeling I’ve been spreading myself a bit thin sex-wise lately has been bothering me. We talked instead.

I think I need to cool myself down a bit overall. I mean, I had sex with Imani on Friday. I’d told her, and myself, and everyone else, that we were just going to be friends. But we ended up getting physical. And I’m not sure how I feel about that. I didn’t have to do it. I could’ve left it at just sitting close, maybe hugging a little, but I kept going. I even had to will myself to, honestly,… at that point I’d already agreed to take it upstairs, and I wasn’t feeling totally up for it, but I pressed on anyway, because at that point I felt it’d be more awkward to stop or fail to follow through.

I haven’t even told Stephanie I slept with Imani yet. I told her everything else about that night. Why didn’t I tell her the rest? Am I that ashamed that I did it? Or am I worried it’d make her feel worse that I managed to have sex with Imani, then Hannah on Sunday, but couldn’t manage it with her? The truth is, none of it came easily, and I guess I just find it easier to stop and not push myself foolishly with her. I do feel pretty bad about it, though. I think slowing myself down is the right thing to do. I’ll also make a point of telling her about Imani tomorrow.

There’s multiple reasons why I’m having trouble. One is having worries about going overboard with sex on my mind. Another is, well, I’m not accustomed to performing more than once a week anymore, and my medication probably doesn’t help with trying to do more. I’m still not accustomed to having people want to have sex with me, so I feel compelled to do so when they want to, which isn’t a good reason to do it. I should have sex because I want to, too (not that I don’t…), and I should respect my limits and not set expectations that I just am not up to. I probably still struggle with the lack of sensation that condoms bring into the mix. My congestion has gotten bad again these past couple days too, and that affects me as well. I should get better at acknowledging when I’m maybe not up for sex, when I’m not at my best, and when maybe what I need more is just cuddling and emotional intimacy instead. Sex is nice, but it’s not so important that it has to happen.

The holidays will be a good time to cool down anyway. I want to give everyone my best, and I want to keep getting better at taking care of myself, too. I need to be sure I’m making time for me, as well :)

2016-12-23 Fri 02:11

Had a nice evening with Hannah. Headed down after work. I stopped at the apartment and got myself changed into my black and white dress, purple tights and heels, and put on the earrings Stephanie got me for christmas.

I wasn’t there long before I happened to glance at Facebook on my phone, and saw that Jen was tagged in a post. By Paul. Announcing that he’s in a relationship with Jennifer Davis.

I didn’t even realize right away, but it was dated as starting July 28th.

I chatted with Jen about it a little bit. I wanted to be supportive. I told her it wasn’t a big deal, that it wasn’t exactly any kind of surprise to me. I mean, it was pretty obvious to me for a while that they’ve been going out. No matter how much she downplayed it, it seemed serious enough from my point of view. I shared it with Hannah and Stephanie, too. I thought I was taking it pretty well.

It hit me on the drive home, though. And passing the house on the way didn’t help either. Of course, Paul’s car was in the driveway. Of course it was.

Everything from the past six months just came right back up on me. All of the pain. All of those feelings of betrayal and worthlessness. It hurts, and it hurts bad. I revisited all of my journal entries from July. Everything had just started for me, and already she’d met him. I was desperately hoping we could even just start talking. Not even reconcile yet, but just start talking again, and she already went out and met him. How fucking foolish was I, to think she ever wanted to work through anything?

I don’t even want to write any more about it right now. It’ll only put me in a worse place to keep revisiting it.

Merry Fucking Christmas.

2017-01-27 Fri 09:42

This morning, Jen posted about her miscarriages on Facebook. Upset by all the anti-abortion rhetoric bouncing around lately, she told her story of how she’d had to abort failed pregnancies.

I know how emotional they were. I was there for both of them. I’m really proud of her being able to share that, putting that out there for her friends to see. I really wish I could just hug her tight right now. I still think about them myself from time to time, and how it affected both of us. I’m still pretty upset that I was too overwhelmed with my own grief to be able to support her in hers, and that the separation hit in the midst of it all. I’m glad she’s able to share about it now.

2017-01-27 Fri 10:09

Today’s daily tarot is Death, reversed. Could be the memories of the past coming back, as they did this morning. Could be pointing out how I still don’t want to let go of Jen and our marriage. Could simply be that I’m still feeling what I’m feeling because I need to, and it’s just not time to let go and move on yet. Being held back isn’t always a bad thing. It might just mean, as I’ve been feeling recently, that I’m progressing at my own pace, slow though it may seem.

2017-02-01 Wed 15:25

Stephanie told me she’s in love with me.

She’d made the distinction clear before, between loving someone, and being in love, in that the latter is a permanent thing. She seemed a little nervous telling me, and was glad that I wasn’t upset to hear it. I wasn’t. I did say that I was a little scared by the future, but that I also just don’t know it yet, and worrying about it now won’t do any good. I love her, too. I just still can’t look past the present, yet. I do still want kids, and I just don’t know what kind of relationship I’ll need to have that. I’m so very happy to be with her now, though. Now is so very good. She stayed overnight last night, and was shivery when we went to bed. She’s feeling pretty ill today, so I focused on taking care of her. She ended up staying at my place for a while after I went to work, and left after I stopped by for lunch :)

Steph was going to meet up with Steven tonight to end the relationship. Unfortunately, she’s just not up to going anywhere today. I hope she feels better soon. I know she wants to get past that soon.

Finally got my car back yesterday afternoon. Was without it a full month after that accident on the 29th. Stayed home in the morning yesterday, too, to have a guy come over and fix the heat. Glad to have both of those things taken care of.

2017-02-06 Mon 17:38

Quite a weekend. Friday was the fun day. I arranged to meet Mom after work. We went to the mall to get my ears pierced, and to pick up a dress I’d ordered from Forever 21. I also remembered to grab some more bubble bath while I was there. I ended up with a pair of light amethyst studs, and a bottle of care/cleaning solution to use over the next three weeks as my ears heal. According to the paperwork, I should leave these in for the full three weeks, and only use post earrings for the following six months. After that, I assume, anything goes. It was really nice to have mom with me for that, and pretty exciting to have them pierced now.

Saturday I went to the house to do lunch with Jen, and take Myles over to the dog park. The latter was a lot of fun. Jen didn’t tag along, I got to have a good amount of time with Myles. He’s great. He was very well behaved while I was there, and listened to me very well (better than Jen). That reinforces my suspicion that he still sees me as the pack leader, however absent I may be. I also brought over papers to be sent to our tax person so that can get taken care of. Overall things went pretty well. I was pretty annoyed by Jen’s reaction to the earrings. Her first question was, “is there anything else you want to tell me”, followed by asking me if I was going to get breast implants, or go on hormones. I told her no. She then took a jab at me, calling me Barry (as he has a piercing), saying it was only fair as I’ve called her Doreen. I reminded her that I had far less superficial reasons for doing so. I ended up grabbing the toolbox and my magic cards from the basement. I was reminded of the latter by the pile of cards I saw on the dining room table – apparently Paul got a couple starter boxes for the two of them, and she’s getting back into it. An offhand comment about getting Phil’s cards out of the house turned into her saying she can say now that Phil’s an asshole. I pressed her on it, and of course she brought up the Otakon when he and ron smoked in the hotel room. I’m sure the impromptu bachelor night was in her head, too. I fired back saying she’s been an asshole about all of that. It’s frustrating how she holds a grudge for that, and doesn’t seem to care that he’s such a good friend to me.

I was still annoyed when I got home, particularly about the earring comments. She hadn’t offered one compliment, or even a civil “it’s not my thing, but I’m glad you’re happy”, or even so much as asking how I felt about them. It reminded me so much of her usual dismissive, abrasive attitude towards me. I was really glad to have Melissa, Hannah, and Stephanie to talk to about all of that. I relaxed, watched Labyrinth, talked, and got past it.

Hannah came up later that night and stayed over. It was a nice, relaxing rest of the weekend.

Nobody at work noticed, or at least nobody said anything, about the earrings today. Stephanie said she was kind of hoping she could be the first CoreDial person to notice them :)

Time for group, so I’d better wrap up.

2017-08-07 Mon 01:34

Up a bit late, reflecting.

Popped a USB stick into the laptop; I’d forgotten what was on it. It was the photo Jen and I had taken on our last cruise, holding our “Baby Roush” sign. She was reluctant at the time to even take the photo. She’d wanted to get nicer ones taken earlier during the cruise, but we’d forgotten to take the sign with us. She balked at me paying for a copy of the ship photo, but I insisted, and spent a great deal of time waiting on them to finally have the digital print for us.

Tomorrow’s the first anniversary of my confession, and of Jen’s request for our divorce. A year ago, I was writing in here how I’d hoped to repair things, how tortured I was, and how I broke down and told her what I’d done. Our marriage was broken, the trust she knew was lacking was obliterated, and I was left alone to try to learn to heal.

My life is radically different from what it was a year ago. It still hurts, though. I wanted to be a good husband, and a good father. I’d lost my chance at the latter, and had already sabotaged the former. Coming clean broke her heart. It freed her from me just as it freed me from the secrecy. The Tower fell.

2017-11-13 Mon 15:31

I really haven’t updated this in a while.

It’s been quite a year. I’m seeing Stephanie exclusively now. Hannah and I are still very close friends. Steph and I have tried dating a couple of guys to see if we could find a good fit for us, but so far they’ve petered out. Not in a huge rush, though. I don’t feel like I really need that, I just want it a bit. We’re very happy with each other, and it feels so nice to not have any secrets between us.

I’m no longer with CoreDial. I left, and am now at AWeber (along with Josh B, Kerry, Robin, and Ihar). It was a really difficult decision to make, but it was getting to the point where I was just completely checked out there. I’d tried so hard over the years to offer my suggestions on how we could make things better and more manageable, and they’ve kept going in the opposite direction. Terribly so, in the last six months or so. It sucks leaving, when CoreDial has been such a great place for me for so long, with so many wonderful people, but I needed a change, and I needed a better environment. I was nervous about interviewing and starting fresh in a new place, especially so soon after coming out. I was glad to find that AWeber was pretty much doing all the things management-wise I’d been trying to get CoreDial doing. It was also a relief to already know good folks over there, so I knew it’d be a safe, friendly environment. I’m enjoying it a lot so far, though it still sucks hearing from the guys still there, with how bad it’s gotten.

I’m getting things together to go to Hawaii in December for Phil’s wedding. Just ordered a couple of dresses and a shirt ^__^. Stephanie and I are both really looking forward to it. Sadly, Phil has arrived in the US this past weekend, as his dad is in really bad shape with his cancer, and isn’t going to last. I really feel for him; I just can’t imagine what it’s like to be losing a parent. He’s been too busy so far with seeing his dad every day, and getting his things together at the house to give away or sell. I’m hoping to spend a little time with him if/when he’s ready to, just to hang out and be there for him.

2017-12-08 Fri 16:48

Flying back from a wonderful trip to Hawaii!

I flew out with Stephanie, and enjoyed a full week relaxing by Waikiki beach with her. Phil’s wedding was nice, if a bit rainy and micro-managed by the Japanese planning team handling it. Besides heading out for that, we pretty much just spent the entire week wandering around the hotel. We shopped. We both got new dresses, I got some new jewelery, leggings, and other fun things. Also picked up some souvenirs for various folks. We did plenty of drinking too (or, rather, I did). It was really nice catching up with everyone who came. We hung out a lot with Marshall and Jackie, Joe and Kelly, and Derek and Christine. Especially the latter, with whom we spent some good time talking and opening up to,and vice-versa. It’s so wonderful that Phil can bring together so many wonderful people!

Wednesday night turned out to be quite a night. We had a nice group over at the Splash bar at our hotel. I’d gotten a bit tired, but not so much that it was worth leaving the good company and conversation. I’d gotten out of my seat to chat with Phil, who’d wandered over from the adjacent table, and apparently as I was up, Stephanie was frozen in her chair. Christine asked her if she was alright, and suddenly she popped up, said “I’ve just gotta do it” (or something similar, I wasn’t really paying attention at that point), and turned me around.

Stephanie confessed to me how very wonderful the trip had been so far, and how much she loves me, and (pulling a ring out of a box) saying it’s not an engagement ring, but she hoped I’d wear it on my left hand 💙💙💙💙. I was taken completely by surprise! I wasn’t expecting it at all, and was even more surprised to hear her putting her feelings out in the open in front of all of our friends, and just how very much she loved me, and immediately offered my hand to her, upon which she placed a beautiful, shiny, blue/green flower ring (matching the earring and necklace set she’d given me in the morning). It was such a wonderful moment. Everyone at the table was so happy for us, and happy to be a part of it. Even the table of asian ladies near us was clapping for us… It was beautiful. It took a while for the shock to wear off for me, but I do love her so very much. It was amazing spending the whole week with her. The two of us, enjoying and relaxing in beautiful Honolulu, having so many wonderful experiences.

We’re heading back home now, with what I’m sure will be a very tiring trip, but I’m so happy to have so many great memories together with her. I dressed up plenty, felt probably the prettiest I’ve ever felt, got sun, hung out with good friends, deepend relationships with them, and just smiled so damn much. I hope we end up spending more time hanging out with Joe and Kelly in the future, and we absolutely must keep in touch with Derek and Christine. We spent a lot of time chatting with the two of them about all manner of things, like polyamory, our relationships, porn, and really connecting, I think. Derek also gave a couple of tarot readings – one for Kelly, and one for Stephanie.

Really, this trip was so much more than I could have hoped it could be.

2017-12-23 Sat 22:10

Audrey asked if she could call me Papa. Not exactly directly, Steph told me they’d talked about it in the car on the way to the movies, but nonetheless. She was so nervous about it too. I think I was a little stunned. I blubbered a bit at Steph when she told me, going on a bit about not replacing anybody, which I already know everybody knows isn’t what’s going on, I was just surprised. I told her that Audrey can call me anything she’s comfortable with, then I told Audrey the same. I think it took until I got to my car and was on the way home for it to really start sinking in. I’m so very moved, and so very happy and grateful to be such a big part of their family.

Christmas is going to be wonderful ^_^

2018-02-14 Wed 23:43

I love my Correl!!

So very very much!

2018-04-30 Mon 09:18

Feeling very grateful today. It’s been a year since I came out as a crossdresser on Facebook, and it’s so nice reflecting on how wonderful a year it’s been ^____^

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs dress sandals

MTF: 2
Outfit: boobs tshirt shorts sneakers

MTF: 3
Outfit: boobs tshirt shorts sandals

MTF: 3
Outfit: boobs tshirt tight-jeans sandals

2018-06-04 Mon 10:34

Lots of thoughts bouncing through my head today. Could’ve gotten out of bed and put myself together with plenty of time this morning, but I just there, instead.

I’m aware that today would’ve been my wedding anniversary, but I don’t feel bothered by it. In fact, I kept forgetting that it was even coming up.

I’m moreso wondering, what’s next? Since coming out as a cross-dresser and embracing being non-binary, I know I’ve been happier. I’ve been really coming out of my shell and interacting with people more, and having a much better time with people I don’t know than I used to. This past weekend was evidence of that, as I spent it in the poconos with Chris Moll and several of his friends for his bachelor party, hanging out in a house together and going paintballing. Even so, I still don’t know what’s right for me. If I present male, it can feel like something’s missing. When I’m presenting female, I sometimes still feel like just another guy. I forget to or don’t give myself time to shave some days (like today), and that throws me off. Even wearing my breast forms, which is affirming, gets frustrating, because I get resentful that they’re not real, and that I can’t feel them. I wish I could just grow my own. I wish I had my own breasts, that were real, that I could feel, that would fill out a bra and not be these fake things I have to take off and put back on. I have a lot of fears about doing anything about that, though. I don’t want to reduce my ability to have children, because I haven’t made a decision around that yet. I don’t want to interfere with my male libido or ability to have and orgasm from penetrative sex, because, well, I like it, my girlfriend likes it. I also don’t want to deal with disappointment when I don’t get the results I desire. There are still times when I appreciate my masculine appearance, though I don’t think I’d mind changing it. Basically, I just want real tits, and I want to keep my penis functioning as-is. The only options seem to be HRT, which seems like it’d negatively affect the latter, and surgery, which probably still requires hormones first. Non-committal as I am, I have doubts that anything will help at my age, or by whatever age at which I make a decision. I feel like I just don’t know what I want. It’s exhausting.

Some of this thinking on gender is probably from seeing a comic panel on reddit which accurately captured my earlier fears about cross-dressing:

The full comic, ᴨr2, about a guy who accidentally gets breast implants and finds he quite likes them, also ended up making me jealous of having actual breasts to squeeze into a bra and bounce around. So, there’s that.

Basically, any time I come across transexual porn where the girl has nice breasts, a nice hard cock, and shoots a big load, I get terribly annoyed that I don’t know how to achieve that myself :P

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs top skirt sandals makeup

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs top skirt sandals

2018-06-06 Wed 10:05

Got the idea this morning to start journaling my gender expression, to see how it manifests over time. It’ll be interesting to see what comes out of it, with regard to how my masc vs femme and boobs vs flat presentations fluctuate.

Today is femme w/ breast forms, with my loose purple top and long blue skirt :)

I had a nice talk with Stephanie last night about my gender expression, and wanting breasts. She’s very supportive. It was also nice to chat about my hangups and desires about exploring my bisexuality with a guy. Being able to communicate about this stuff feels a whole lot better than wrestling with it alone.

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs top tight-jeans sandals

2018-06-07 Thu 13:01

Joined a couple of LGBT facebook groups last night. One is clearly more of a support-only group than the other, which I think I prefer. Looked more into the effects of HRT, and it left me kind of dejected this morning. While I do wish I had my own breasts, I’m not sure I’m willing to trade male sexual function for it.

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs tshirt tight-jeans sandals makeup

2018-06-08 Fri 09:31

Another day with boobs and light makeup :D

I haven’t had a day yet since I started tracking my presentation that I haven’t worn boobs. Probably a coincidence, probably just indicative of how often I feel feminine. I’m pretty sure the days I present masculine are usually days where I’m tired, down, or otherwise not interested in transforming myself. Even on days when I prefer my masculine wardrobe, I still sometimes wear my boobs underneath of them. I’m very curious to see how this all turns out :)

2018-06-08 Fri 11:54

If I do end up on estrogen, I’m 100% using yum yum to fuel my new fat deposits.

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs top tight-jeans sandals makeup

2018-06-09 Sat 21:22

Pretty nice day! Woke up early to drive dad and Maryann out to Jersey to pick up their new car. I had time afterwards to head over to Ulta and get some extra makeup supplies, take a nap, and apply some before my hair appointment. Autumn did a fantastic job, and I got myself waxed afterwards as well.

I heard back from Phil about my recent-ish tarot reading, and shared with him my thoughts on what it represented.

So this reading seems to be about making a large choice. Many of the cards indicate that you are in a position that may not be desireable, healthy, or mentally satisfying. Strength and the 8 cups at the heart seems to describe unrest and desire to spiritually expand while in conflict with the want to continue going wild. Prior to this was a sense of alienation, illness, negativity, but perhaps supported as well. That past led to the current conflict. Currently within you the devil tempts or perhaps you have become addicted to something. 2 swords shows that on the surface you know there is a choice to be made but have been delaying in making it. This relationship w the devil might be reveling in avoiding the choice which may be fine, but perhaps the card to come, judgement, is affecting why the choice hasn’t been made. But, judgement ultimately just represents you being honest with yourself. Also, transition. In stages of life of course.

Over to the staff, you see yourself moving quickly and making fine progress in your situation and present yourself to others as a wise, calm, caring person. Perhaps that isn’t you, but someone you know or a representation of your surroundings. Either way that is a nice pairing of cards which indicates some mental positivity and stability. Perhaps why the decision hasn’t been made yet since it isn’t a bad point of view. But the hopes and fears card, 8 swords, might be a reason to start working on your decision. It is the nagging voice in all our heads. The critic, the doubt, the fear… Making excuses, etc. Ultimately any worries from this card are mostly self imposed and shouldn’t worry you too much, but probably won’t go away either as that inner critic never seems to shut up. The tower looming goes hand in hand with judgement. As it appears change and honesty with your self are on the horizon and it may not be a fun process, but is healthier for you in the long run.

MTF: 3
Outfit: dress sandals makeup

2018-06-10 Sun 21:32

Slept in a good bit today, given how long yesterday was. I was a bit late, but I made it to Rich’s birthday party, and drove Ed home afterwards. It was nice seeing him and Amy again :)

MTF: 3
Outfit: boobs polo jeans sandals makeup

2018-06-11 Mon 10:31

Going with one of my nicer polo shirts today, but with boobs and full makeup ¯\(ツ)_/¯

Discovered a free trans-friendly makeup class at Sephora on the 24th, thanks to the additional reddits I’m following. Should be fun!

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs top skirt sandals

2018-06-12 Tue 10:20

I was able to get Dennis to speak at the meeting last night, which was a lifesaver. It was a great meeting, too.

I’m planning on heading to PLUG North after work to hear about OpenHAB and see whether I care enough to give it a whirl, or just stick with HomeAssistant. I should get to see some CoreDial folks too, since it’s in the office and all. Afterwards, I go to Stephanie’s for the night :3

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs top tight-jeans sandals

2018-06-13 Wed 10:44

Stayed the night with Stephanie at her place. Enjoyed cake for breakfast, and now I’m eating the piece with Scott’s face on it for dessert after lunch :D

MTF: 2
Outfit: tshirt tight-jeans sandals

2018-06-14 Thu 10:44

Got a bit of a headache, now. Felt pretty off this morning, and I’m wondering if it’s partly because I forgot to take my pill yesterday. I also realized I had a couple of last-minute things to plan out with chris’s wedding and go-karting tomorrow, so I was feeling pretty overwhelmed, too.

Got those taken care of, going to try and take the rest of the morning easy.

2018-06-14 Thu 11:14

Well, almost taken care of. The hotel doesn’t seem to have any rooms the night of the wedding, so unless I can call them and get lucky, I may have to skip the breakfast altogether. Ugh.

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs top leggings sandals

2018-06-15 Fri 10:22

Feeling much better this morning. I got a hotel booked last night, so that’s taken care of. As a bonus, the custom nerf rifle I ordered shipped this morning ^___^

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs top short-shorts sandals

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs dress sandals makeup

2018-06-17 Sun 22:17

Chris and Regan’s wedding was lovely. The way the two of them looked at each other in the ceremony reminded me a lot of how overwhelmed with emotion Jen and I were at ours. I had a lot of fun dancing with Jack and Elijah, too :D

Shame the dress shoes made a mess of my heels, though.

I was pretty upset with myself that I forgot Maggie was doing a father’s day bbq at her place. By the time I’d gotten Stephanie home, I was way too tired to drive all the way back out.

Kind of annoyed with Maryann with how she called me out for not getting ahold of dad sooner. Particularly as it came shortly after I’d sent him a text. It’s not worth holding onto that, though.

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs dress sandals

2018-06-18 Mon 23:19

Hot day today, far too hot to wear pants. So I wore my Legend of Zelda dress instead :P

My custom nerf gun arrived in the mail today, so I’m looking forward to carrying that into work tomorrow. Tonight’s meeting was really good. I came out of it feeling better about the whole father’s day debacle, and gave dad a call on my way home to talk. We didn’t chat for too long, since it was kind of late, but it felt really good to connect. I’m going to try to make an effort to do that more often. He’s going in for a colonoscopy tomorrow morning, so I’ll check in with him after work to see how he’s doing, and maybe talk some more about all of the things I should fill him in on.

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs dress sandals

MTF: 3
Outfit: tshirt tight-jeans sandals

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs tshirt tight-jeans sandals

Outfit: polo jeans sandals
MTF: 2

2018-06-22 Fri 12:12

Slept in my boobs last night, since I was wearing the ones tucked into my sports bra. Felt great ^^.

Decided not to wear them today, though, to give my chest room to breathe, and decided to go with a more masculine look today. Naturally, still finding myself fantasizing about having real breasts under it anyway :)

The lack of boobs on wednesday was another necessary break, and also because I just felt off all day, so I worked from home. That seems to be the pattern – I’m either feeling off, or just plain need to give my chest a break from having sweaty silicone stuck to it.

I’ve been watching a bit more tranny porn lately, and finding myself checking out their breasts, and thinking about how I’d love to have some that looked that nice. I still haven’t taken action towards starting any hormones yet, though I do think it’s in my future. It’s just a matter of when. I find myself looking forward to it, and looking forward to starting the process. I just feel like I should bring folks into the loop before I dive in, like Mom, Dad, and Maggie, before I dive in. Mostly just so it’s not a surprise, and they know what’s going on before I just do something and show up with breasts and say “hey, so this is a thing now”.

MTF: 3
Outfit: polo tight-jeans sandals

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs dress sandals makeup

2018-06-24 Sun 19:34

Yesterday was a wash, didn’t get out or do anything, but today was much busier. I woke up early, partly because I set my alarm for 6:15, but mostly because the smoke alarm decided to act up for a few beeps around 5:15. In any case, I got myself together and went to King of Prussia for a transgender make-up class. It was a good time, and I ended up getting a new foundation that I think matches me better than my current one, as well as several other things (moisturizer!). I met up with mom afterwards for a slightly late lunch, and chatted with her about my thoughts on getting boobs. She was super supportive :)

MTF: 3
Outfit: boobs tshirt tight-jeans sandals

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs top tight-jeans tall-boots

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs tshirt tight-jeans sandals

MTF: 4
Outfit: tshirt tight-jeans sandals makeup

2018-06-28 Thu 22:13

Enjoyed spending the night with Stephanie last night at her place. Haven’t had a lot of time with her since she got into theater. Didn’t feel much like boobs this morning, was a bit itchy, but I did take the time to do my makeup in the morning, using my new stuff :D

Outfit: boobs polo tight-jeans sandals makeup
MTF: 3

MTF: 2
Outfit: polo jeans sandals

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs top skirt sandals makeup

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs polo tight-jeans sandals

2018-07-02 Mon 10:51

It was nice catching up with Dad on Sunday. I headed up to his place for dinner, I helped him get the antivirus working on his computer and copy his photos from his phone. I also tagged along while he picked up his camper. As we were wrapping that up, we managed to chat a little bit about things. He’s supportive of my journey, and he does still has regrets about how things were when we were living together. He recalled a specific time, when we were out on a fishing trip with his friend Deuce, that we were out on the boat after John was feeling sick. Apparently I said or did something, and he remembers taking a lot out on me. I don’t remember it, but I appreciate him sharing that with me. I know things were tough for the both of us, and I never doubted he loved me, or I him. We were both doing the best we could together.

MTF: 2
Outfit: tshirt tight-jeans sandals

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs dress sandals

2018-07-04 Wed 22:31

Such a lovely holiday, shame it had to fall on a Wednesday 😝

Got to spend all of it with Stephanie, and I get to wake up with her again before heading back to work tomorrow. We met Ed for lunch, and got out to see Incredibles 2. Awesome way to spend the fourth!

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs top skirt sandals

MTF: 3
Outfit: robe

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs top short-shorts sandals makeup

2018-07-07 Sat 23:29

Great weather today! Met Mom for brunch, hung out, got mani/pedis, and did some shopping. I didn’t need more shoes, but now I have more shoes 😝

She asked about my plans to transition, and I talked to her about how I’m weighing the idea of it, given that I want boobs, but am a bit concerned about the sexual side-effects.

Time to get to bed, I’ve got to wake up and get to a follow-up makeup class in King of Prussia in the morning!

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs dress sandals makeup bikini

2018-07-08 Sun 18:08

Just home from hanging out with Mom and Aunt Maryann at the pool by her new apartment! Had a great day. The morning class was nice, and hanging out made for a great rest of the day. Time to order some pizza and relax in the air conditioning.

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs top skirt sandals makeup

MTF: 3
Outfit: boobs tshirt tight-jeans sandals

2018-07-10 Tue 10:45

Was feeling super envious of women’s breasts this morning. Browsed through a number of photos from trans girls posting their progress with HRT, wishing I could have the same.

MTF: 3
Outfit: boobs tshirt tight-jeans sandals

MTF: 2
Outfit: tshirt tight-jeans sandals

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs top tight-jeans sandals makeup

MTF: 3
Outfit: robe

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs top short-shorts sandals

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs tshirt short-shorts sandals makeup

MTF: 3
Outfit: tshirt tight-jeans sandals

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs top skirt sandals

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs top skirt sandals

MTF: 3
Outfit: tshirt shorts sandals

MTF: 2
Outfit: robe

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs dress sandals makeup

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs tshirt tight-jeans sandals

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs dress sandals makeup

MTF: 2
Outfit: tshirt shorts sandals

Outfit: boobs tshirt tight-jeans sandals
MTF: 3

Outfit: boobs tshirt tight-jeans sandals
MTF: 4

Outfit: boobs top short-shorts sandals swimsuit
MTF: 5

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs dress sandals makeup

Outfit: boobs top tight-jeans sandals makeup
MTF: 5

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs tshirt tight-jeans sandals

Outfit: top tight-jeans sandals
MTF: 3

Outfit: boobs tshirt tight-jeans sandals
MTF: 4

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs top tight-jeans sandals

2018-08-03 Fri 20:26

Stopped by Jen’s place after work today to pick up some boxes of stuff she’d gathered up in the basement. Myles was very, very happy to see me ^___^. Wrex was,… confused, but now I’ve met him too.

Paul wasn’t there. Jen and I had spoken a couple of weeks ago when she told me this:

JUL 19TH, 9:33PM

Jen

I found old messages from last year of Paul talking to another girl

Jen

How do I keep on doing this to myself?

Me

It’s not your fault these things happen

Me

Are you doing okay? Need anything?

Jen

I am just kind of lost

Me

I don’t know if I’m the right person to help, but if you need anything, or just want to talk, I’ll be here.

Jen

Thanks

Me

All I can think to say is that you’re not responsible for his decisions. Only he is, as I am mine.

They seem to be in limbo now, she says. Jen’s also thinking of selling the house and moving into the city to start off fresh, but today said the place she was looking at wanted 30k to close, which is an awful lot, and not really doable. Hopefully she finds someplace nice :)

Was a little bugged that I felt the need to stop at home before heading there. I changed out of my tight jeans, boobs, and blue top, and tossed on looser jeans, my koi tshirt, and some sneakers. Didn’t really feel like doing so, thought about not bothering, but I know she’s told me in the past that it’s easier for her not to see me dressed, and I want to respect that.

Spending the night with Stephanie now before she heads off to NC for a week, and heading to the Trans Wellness conference in the city tomorrow (the last day of it, anyhow). Should be fun, and hopefully quite informative.

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs top short-shorts sandals makeup

MTF: 4
Outfit: top short-shorts sandals

MTF: 4
Outfit: top tight-jeans sandals

MTF: 3
Outfit: top

MTF: 3
Outfit: tshirt shorts sandals

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs tshirt tight-jeans sandals

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs tshirt tight-jeans sandals

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs tshirt tight-jeans sandals

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs polo tight-jeans sandals

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs top tight-jeans sandals

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs dress sandals makeup

MTF: 3
Outfit: robe

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs dress sandals makeup

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs dress sandals

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs tshirt tight-jeans sandals

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs tshirt tight-jeans sandals

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs tshirt jeans sandals

Outfit: boobs tshirt jeans sandals
MTF: 4

MTF: 3
Outfit: robe

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs tshirt jeans sandals

MTF: 4
Outfit: boobs tshirt jeans sandals

MTF: 5
Outfit: boobs tank-top leggings sandals

2018-09-25 Tue 13:55

Took my first dose of Estradiol and Spirolactorone this morning. I’m very excited for the changes, though they’ll take quite a while!

I’m flying out to St. Louis to head to Strangeloop now. My breast forms were no issue getting through security, though I did get stopped after the body scanner. The TSA lady scanned me as a woman, and there was a yellow box around the front groin area on the display. Whoops. They were polite and professional about it, though they had to give me a pat-down in a private room. Still, it feels really nice to be flying as my femme self, not feeling I have to take them off and toss them into checked luggage.

2018-10-30 Tue 11:53

Jen’s house, our old house, is officially on the market today. I’m feeling full of a mix of different emotions, and I’m not even entirely sure what they are. It’s difficult to sort them out, as I’m also very hungry and counting the seconds til lunch :P

Part of my brain is reminding me I still have to sign and submit my updated lease. Bleh.

2018-12-24 Mon 14:34

Resting on the sofa passing the time until Stephanie visits. Managed to tidy up a bit. I’m so excited to spend Christmas eve with her here ^_^

Not fond of how lethargic I’ve been the past week or so, but the stress of holiday shopping is pretty much past, now I just get to enjoy the rest of it. Got some stuff to cook tonight, and I may whip up breakfast in the morning too. Feeling pretty good.

2019-01-04 Fri 00:36

So, I just watched tonight’s episode of The Orville, and felt compelled to put out a tweet:

Outstanding episode of #TheOrville tonight. Bortus’ addiction was portrayed honestly and powerfully. Great to see it handled seriously, exploring his motivations, consequences, emptiness, and shame without derision or mockery. I can’t wait to see where the show goes next!

I wasn’t expecting the topic to come up, let alone have it be the main focus of the episode. Seeing the character’s deception, escalation, discovery, public breakdown of his relationship, therapy, understanding, and further consequences precipitating from his last acting out session were incredibly powerful. It wrapped up a bit too neatly at the end, but it was a hell of a ride.

2019-01-04 Fri 07:54

So, I woke up, checked facebook, and got angry. Imani shared a link to an article, “Sex addiction isn’t real- Dr. Chris Donaghue explains”.

I feel I need to respond:

I have some issues with this article…

"Some may feel as though sex is compulsive and difficult to manage, but that’s not addiction. The addiction model works only for substance abuse and seeks abstinence, whereas sex is a drive always operating and what we need is to learn to encounter it differently.”

This, I think, sums up the whole controversy. Addiction, traditionally defined, refers only to chemical addiction, and leaves little room for addictive compulsive behavior (gambling, eating disorders, etc.). Sexual addiction fits in with the latter and, like eating disorders, isn’t about abstinence, it’s about transitioning unhealthy behavior to healthy behavior. That won’t be achieved through shame and stigma. Lots of sex isn’t unhealthy. Self-destructive and outwardly harmful sexual behavior is.

“People committing assault generally do not feel out of control; rather, they value this behaviour because it makes them feel in control.”

Right. Sex offense is not the same as sex addiction.

“Sex addiction diagnoses shame healthy sexuality by characterizing any behavior outside of monogamous heterosexual intercourse as “abnormal.””

That’s not diagnosing sexual compulsive behavior. That’s being a dick. Healing addiction isn’t about shaming people, it’s about determining which (if any) aspects of their behavior is harmful, and helping them address it.

“FYI, even if sex really could be addictive, no form of addiction explains or excuses sexual violence.”

Nobody’s going to argue that. Alcoholics don’t get a free pass for domestic abuse. Substance addicts don’t get a free pass for theft. Sex addicts don’t get a free pass for assault. Addicts are still responsible for their choices; addiction is what they didn’t choose.

A couple of articles I dug up before writing all of that:

• Sex addictions are deeply misunderstood. A new classification could change that.
• Is sex addiction real? Depends on whom you ask

2019-01-25 Fri 19:26

I wish I wrote in this more often when nice things happen; if I did, I wouldn’t feel such a need to catch up before getting to what’s bugging me. Alas…

Josh Stevens invited me along as his plus one to Monetate’s holiday party. That’s two dates in one month (I invited him along to the Blue ball, essentially their 20th anniversary party/charity event a couple of weeks ago). It was a fun time, we were at the manayunk brewery, they did a sort of quizzo-like thing. I met Josh at Monetate and he expensed ubers back and fro. Before parting, he addressed me as “honey”, which left me more flustered and fluttery as I got into my car than I expected was possible. It was pretty cool. We chatted a little on facebook later, sharing cat photos, and he went and said I was cute. So, neat.

Now onto this evening’s entertainment. On a whim, I shared a facebook post:

Maggie responded:

How exactly does being strait not teach you that you are free to make your own choices in life of love, family, or any of this ? No matter who you are you are free to use your own mind to make your own choices in life and public displays of affection are not courageous they are a personal choice. I don’t get this at all. And family is not about loyalty that sounds quite like a Trump of all things. Family is here for love and support not to be blindly loyal.

I understand where she’s coming from, but I feel the need to reply, and I know if I do, it’ll be a long one. I know too many people that have been hurt, and had far worse family experiences than we have. I myself know what it’s like to cope with culture not making me feel welcome, though thankfully not in the terrible ways it’s affected others. I want to put a reply out there, I just don’t want to completely drain myself doing so.

2019-01-30 Wed 00:01

Mixed feelings tonight. Had a nice night out with Josh. Got Hibachi, saw Glass. I’m regretting journaling about Saturday. Ed invited me out to a club in Lancaster, and Josh was there as well. Ed got pretty drunk, but we were there to keep him safe and sober him back up. Josh and I had some fun dancing, and after getting outside, made out a bit. A couple of times. Then later inside. So, that was a lot of fun.

Tonight, though,… I’m concerned we haven’t taken time to really talk yet. The night was very nice. Hand-holding, close contact during the movie, kisses. I enjoyed all of that. Before we parted, he made out with me pretty ferociously. I didn’t hate it, but it did startle me. We need to talk more, or that’s going to leave me very uncomfortable. He’d like for me to come to his place Friday or Saturday, and offered to cook for me. It’s a nice offer, but I said “maybe”. I said that, because there’s a lot we need to discuss. There’s Stephanie. There’s my issues about being trans. There’s my issues about being in a relationship with a man for the first time. And there’s my addiction. There’s a lot to cover.

He’s home and online now. He’s got to get up really early to drop off his rental car, but,… hopefully we’ll find time soon.

2019-01-30 Wed 01:34

Well, it was definitely a bit awkward getting all of that out there, but in the end it seemed to go very well. I’m feeling a lot better now. I did also get around to asking him just how I ended up being his type. He had a lovely answer:

(Sorry this took a while; I re-wrote it a couple times for clarity and simplicity)

Alrightie, well, first of all, I’ve always had a strong admiration for you, particularly for your intellectual abilities. These feelings weren’t sexual or romantic at first, but you definitely stood out to me.

In terms of appearance, I do find you quite physically attractive and have for quite a while.

Last year, I forget exactly when (I think December), I remember thinking, upon reflecting on what I’m looking for in someone (both in terms of appearance and mind), something along the lines of, “you know, Josh, if you weren’t such a dumbass, you’d give Correl a call and see if they want to hang out or see a movie.”

As if the hand of fate was reaching out, a few weeks later, you invited me to that ball.

I’m glad it worked out that way.

Also, since us chatting about it makes it easy to include, There’s this:

Correl

With four years of therapy under my belt now, I’m proud to say that talking is something I’ve gotten good at. Even (and especially) when I don’t really know how to.

Correl

I’ll also say, my favorite moment so far was standing out with you, chatting about life, and you remarking how comfortable you felt.

Josh Stevens

That was a wonderful interaction we had at that moment.

Correl

That connection really made my weekend

Josh Stevens

Mine too. 🙂

Correl

I look forward to a lot more wonderful chats with you 🙂

Josh Stevens

Yeah!

Josh Stevens

Goodnight. 😊

Correl

Good night 💋

2019-02-04 Mon 22:53

What a week it’s been! Catching up from last time, I spent Wednesday evening with Stephanie. We caught up on my movie date with Josh. We set up a group chat with the three of us, and after chatting with Stephanie a bit, we established boundaries going forward. It was pretty hard for me to bring some of it up, talking about boundaries around sex, without the topic really coming up beforehand. I’m glad we got it out of the way, though, as it means I know where to draw lines and not end up hurting or surprising anybody. Josh was a good sport and was very open to hearing everything out. Being involved with someone in a polyamorous relationship is entirely new to him, and it’s entirely new to me to be the one introducing someone else to it. I’m used to being on the periphery, and now I find myself at the focal point of two people. It’s new, a little scary, and exciting. I already know, though, that all we need is to keep communicating, and we’ll be okay 😊.

Before turning in for the night and plugging my phone in, I was startled by some unexpected news: Paul proposed to Jen in Disney World. It … definitely affected me. It’s hard to say exactly how, and it didn’t affect me too strongly, but it does bother me. I felt better the next day, but it really was a surprise. I’m happy for her. I mean, I’m glad she’s happy. I don’t know Paul. I know I don’t like what little I do know about him, but I don’t know him, and I don’t know what Jen’s been through. I can’t judge whether it’s a good or bad thing for anybody, and it’s not my place to. I wish her the best.

Saturday. This past weekend. What a weekend. Josh invited me to his place, offering to cook for me. I spent the remainder of my week looking forward to it. It turned out to be an absolutely wonderful experience. I got there at 4, after grabbing a quick light lunch with Mom (we actually met up at Old Navy, since I needed new jeans, and fast), and he made fondue. We watched Bad Milo on a whim, which was better than I was expecting, and pretty hilarious. A heck of a movie to try making out to; I laughed into Josh’s face a couple of times. That boy really needs a bigger, more comfortable sofa, but we made do. With all the shifting around, I ended up with both legs up and over him for a bit, which got into my head what it might feel like to be carried. Then I got him to carry me, noting that I hadn’t had a tour of his house yet 😄! After being returned to the ground, we headed to his room and fooled around a bit. I was VERY amused to see his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles boxers 😂! I’m also very pleased to learn that he’s very much into skin contact. It was lovely.

We headed back down and watched Green Room. It got late, and I stayed the night. There was more fooling around to be had in the morning… and I got him to climax on me! I would’ve preferred to actually see it happen, but maybe next time 😜. We took a bath together in his great tub, got breakfast out, then parted ways.

2019-02-05 Tue 18:09

I’m taking Stephanie out to Honey for dinner! 😸

2019-02-11 Mon 16:18

What a weekend.

2019-02-13 Wed 09:15

I really must find time to get a full entry in, but for now, flowers!!!

2019-03-06 Wed 15:55

This is tough. I had a really nice night with Josh last night. He came over and cooked a wonderful dinner. We cuddled, watched a bunch of Steven Universe episodes, and I shared a lot of my feelings with him.

Stephanie’s really hurting. I’ve been handling things so wrong. I’ve been hoping that, I don’t know, improving communication will make things better? It’s not. I can’t keep acting like these are two different relationships. It’s hurting her too much. I know she wants me to be happy. I’m very, very worried I’ve been taking advantage of that.

2019-03-24 Sun 23:18

Switched my HRT dosages today! More estradiol, less spiro. Looking forward to seeing this shake out. Literally, ideally.

I’m still conflicted with seeing Josh. Stephanie really seems like she needs us to be monogamous, but I still want to see and be with Josh, too. I’m not sure what to do. I really want to explore and enjoy my bisexuality, but I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I really do love Stephanie. I just don’t know what I need. I know I need her. Do I need Josh? Do I need a man? I know I don’t need anything casual. I need trust. I need connection. I have those. I’m scared of wanting more, and risking everything because of it.

2019-03-27 Wed 13:20

Oooooof.

I spent the night with Stephanie, and we did some talking. She’s still really hurting, and it’d only gotten worse. I need to call it off with Josh. I’m not looking forward to that conversation, but it’s going to happen sometime today.

I’m feeling a weird mix of hurt, fear, and relief. It hurts so much that we all wanted this to work out somehow. It also hurts that it really does come down to Stephanie not being comfortable sharing me. It really sucks that she feels that way, and feels so guilty that I have to call it off because of that. I’m pretty sad, but I’m not upset with her at all. I’m just really sad, and really grateful that we tried, I guess. She loves me so very much, and I love her too. I wish I could’ve figured out what it was I needed out of this, but I’m glad it’s something we’re able to talk through. I feel so badly for Josh. He’s been so patient and considerate through all of this. It’s going to suck breaking his heart. I really hope we’ll stay close; I really do care for him, too.

I’m wearing Stephanie’s ring today. She offered it to me, wanting me to have something of hers as I couldn’t stay with her all day. It was a sweet offer, and I broke down and cried a bit when she suggested it. She has mine. I feel connected with her. I’m still putting off reaching out to Josh, but I’ll get through it. Cowboy Bebop music is definitely helping.

Current tracks:

• Gotta Knock a Little Harder
• Rain
• Space Lion
• Adieu
• The Real Folk Blues

I feel like such an ass. I’ve been feeling freer with Josh a bit, having chatted with him about sexuality and gender, and being flirtier. It’s really going to sting to put an end to it all. Badly.

2019-03-29 Fri 01:03

I’m up late. Watched five episodes of Umbrella Academy.

I felt better today. Molly was in for her interview. Sounds like it went really well on both sides. Finished writing the latest pair of ACPs, too.

Had my leftovers from last night, and the second pint of ice cream I’d bought as well.

There’s reminders around. I haven’t really cleaned up much since Josh was over and cooked me dinner. The wine glasses are still on the coffee table. The flowers, pretty much completely dead at this point, are still sitting in the vase by the sofa. Even upstairs… there’s nothing obvious, but I remember him lying there, on my right side, as I laid in the middle between him and Stephanie. I remember how happy I felt there.

I watched some porn after finishing my episodes, and before grabbing my laptop to do this. Maybe not with the purest of intentions, but it’s not like it medicates much these days anyway. I felt a little angry. Mad that I feel I’m losing my manhood. Well, lost, really; for now, anyway. I’m frustrated that I don’t get to get that payoff out of someone else. I’m frustrated that I won’t. I don’t know how much I really care, but I’m still upset by it.

I dunno. I felt better today, but I still need to feel through this. It’s only been one goddamned day. I’ve got some grief to get through. The weather’s turning, maybe I can get some walks and rides in. I miss him, dammit.

2019-03-31 Sun 22:36

Just watched Laputa (Castle in the Sky) for the first time. Had a lovely weekend with Stephanie, and a pretty lazy Sunday after getting my car back from the shop and getting home.

Finished the movie and peeked in at the group chat on Discord, and saw that Josh had posted an hour prior that he, too, was watching the same movie! I commented that I’d just finished it for the first time, and well, was run over by feelings. A kind of connectedness, but at the same time disconnected. It still hurts. No idea if he actually saw my post, but I did see his status on discord blink online briefly, so…

Best not to dwell on it. I probably shouldn’t have also sent a gif on FB messenger, but… ah well. I should get ready for bed soon.

2019-03-31 Sun 23:39

In brighter news…

And…

💙💙💙

2019-06-12 Wed 14:36

Estrogen

173.4

Testosterone

15

2019-06-17 Mon 22:15

It was good to see you Sunday. I know we don’t always see eye to eye on some things, but I love you, and I know you love me too.

I’m still not very good at talking to you about things, and it’s something I still want to get better at. I imagine it isn’t easy, only hearing from me once in a while, especially with all of the changes I’ve been making in my life these past several years. I’ve been through an awful lot, and I’ve come a long way trying to figure out who I am and what I want out of life. It’s a lot to absorb.

I want you to know that I’m doing the best I’ve ever done for myself. Particularly since everything went pear-shaped (understatement), I’ve taken the opportunity to make a fresh start, and I ran with it. And I’m not going to stop running with it. I’m taking every opportunity I can find to better myself, get support, make new connections, and strengthen the ones I’ve got.

I’m not taking any of it lightly. If I’ve made a decision, it’s been because I’ve weighed it carefully and decided it’s what’s right for me right now.

Gender, sexuality and relationships are tough topics. Topics I’ve struggled with for a long time. They’re also really hard to bring up and talk about, especially being awkward about sharing personal stuff to begin with. I wasn’t very good at talking about them with Jen, either, and it goes without saying that holding it all in and dealing with it in my own little bubble didn’t work out so great. Therapy has helped a lot, and so has finding good people I can confide in and share myself completely with.

As for the hormones, they’re a tool I’ve elected to use to get my physiology more in line with how I feel and how I want to express myself. I spent a lot of time coming to that decision, and nearly nine months into it now, I can say that I’ve only been happier with them. I wouldn’t say I feel like a woman, but it does feel good being more feminine. I’m not too bothered by being gendered male, but it does feel nice when close friends and colleagues refer to me with she/her pronouns. I never really felt I fit the “guy” mold all that great. In-between feels pretty good. I’ve never been the sort to settle for one thing over the other anyhow.

I can’t imagine how you’re taking all of this. It may seem weird, or bizarre, or just plain confusing. I’m not going to claim I’ve got it all figured out, either. Life is an exercise in figuring out what the hell life even is. I’m just doing the best I know how to make the best out of my own, and I very much want to keep you a part of it.

Love, always,

Correl.

2019-07-02 Tue 13:31

Shared an article about LGBTQ Wrath Month ¹ in discord. Had a small back and forth with Josh:

EricTheAnteater Today at 10:14 AM

🤔

I honestly don’t think that’s a good idea. LGBT people have been fighting for the understanding that they are human like anyone else; the use of the word “pride” was to indicate a lack of shame in the face of adversity and oppression. Having a “wrath” themed event reorients the use of the term into one with a staunchly antisocial definition.

I’m reminded of some principles presented by Saul Alinsky’s Rules for Radicals. This sort of thing will feel good for some in the short term but will cause internal damage in the community and also prompt reactionary backlash.

From the overall tone of the article, I infer that the author is upset with the so-called “rainbow capitalism” phenomenon that we saw so clearly this year, and dislikes his or her movement being co-opted. That’s fair, but becoming reactionary probably isn’t a wise response to that.

coderphoenix Today at 10:39 AM

The frustration with co-option really is the tip of a brutal iceberg. The wrath isn’t resonating with that alone.

coderphoenix Today at 10:47 AM

I get the sense that (and it’s a bit biased, since it’s the community I’m in, so I naturally see a lot of it) it’s felt most acutely by the trans community, what with the 50th anniversary of stonewall being marked by spikes in attacks on and murders of transgender individuals.

coderphoenix Today at 10:55 AM

Pride alone, particularly as a display of a lack of shame alone, doesn’t really convey the strain, frustration, fear, emotional labor, or pain a lot of lgbt people experience day to day. I don’t find it difficult to empathasize with wanting to shine more light on the anger beneath it.

Some relevant tweets on my mind:

A black trans woman disrupted a drag show at stonewall to call everyone out at the hypocrisy at how Pride was all about parties and corporations now even though black trans women are dying. All. Hell. Broke. Loose.

By the way, for context, it is the exact date of stonewall

The folks running the bar as well as a good portion of the patrons were trying to get her thrown out.

It was very much a “we hear you but come on, it’s a party.” Attitude. People started getting more pushy and security got involved so me and another ally inserted ourselves between them, blocking her and her companion from them.

The people at the bar started muttering about calling the cops and we both started saying “no. You can’t call the cops.” Other patrons were trying to convince her to back down, of course. We tried talking to her about what she wanted to do. She still wanted to speak but

The bar didn’t want to let her. So we asked if she wanted to do a video outside or something. Both of us happened to be connected to lgbtq organizations so we have access to followings and whatnot. But she wanted the bar to be her platform. We respected that.

The other ally who was with me decided the best way to make that happen was to use mass hypnosis and started a “let her speak chant.” It worked. She got the mic back and was allowed to speak.

She read the names of the black trans women who died. Facts about them. Their obituaries. She called on everyone in the bar to help. I would like to say the audience was respectful, but there was quite a bit of chatter and a few jeers.

One asshole even called it “fascism.” It was gross and ridiculous.

I just can’t fathom it. A black trans woman was almost kicked out of the stonewall inn (THEY ALMOST CALLED THE COPS) just for telling the rest of us to throw some fucking bricks. And on the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, no less.

This was about her. It was not about allies. She was a strong, courageous woman who stood in front of a crowd of irritable drunk gays and did not back down. #Whereisyourcoingoing she chanted. She did not leave that stage until she MADE everyone say Black Trans Lives Matter.

I have been thinking about her words and this thread as it has been gaining some momentum, if any black trans woman would like to use this thread to plug your gofundme, work, PayPal, Art, whatever you need, please do! It’s all yours!

The other ally posted a video from Stonewall last night on Facebook y’all. It’s got some more details in it that I wasn’t aware of:facebook.com/leadastraydrag…

We need to do better. We need to support everyone in the community.

HEY so I forgot the last part. Because it was so abysmal, it barely struck a blip in my mind compared to everything else that happened. They had a “ space” for action, I guess. At 1:26 they had a moment of silence in respect. Let me tell you, that room was not silent.

I’m not sure if the downstairs faired any better but there was just so much chatter upstairs.

https://twitter.com/buttpraxis/status/1145492112177156097

CW: Police violence. Today the SFPD beat a young trans person so badly they ended up in the ER for participating in a peaceful protest—stopping the parade for 50 minutes to commemorate the 50 years since Stonewall. One of the demands? Ending the police presence at Pride

2019-07-29 Mon 13:22

Had a fantastic weekend. I’m glad I talked myself into taking the day off on Friday. I drove out Thursday evening to Scarlet’s show at Brighton Bar, and hung out with her and a group of her friends through the show, eventually ended up sharing a hotel room with her. Came out of it having met some cool people and grabbing a couple cds from interesting bands there.

I’m in love with her song “Let Me Live”. I hope we all get to hang out again sometime soon!

After finally waking up, I got to the other reason I took the day off: The Philadelphia Trans Wellness conference. So glad I got down there. I made it just in time to register and get to the transfeminine singing workshop, and the transfeminine voice workshop after it. I also stopped by the table of a laser treatment specialist, told them I was interested in removing my facial hair, spun a wheel, and won half off a full face package! So, no more excuses, I’m gonna finally tick off that box.

I bought a few books while I was there. A comic, a couple trans books, and Vivek Shraya’s “I’m Afraid of Men”. I read that on Saturday, and damn. It literally knocked the wind out of me. I had to take a break for a couple hours after the page where she got cheated on. It was so powerfully emotional.

Helped Ed move some stuff Sunday, and stopped by Dad’s on the way home. I even managed to squeeze in a little bit of junk sorting when I got home, so hooray for that.

2019-08-19 Mon 22:16

Busy evening. Spent the day “working” from home, eventually getting packed to head to Abstractions II in Pittsburgh tomorrow. As I was wrapping up at group, I got a text that Audrey and Josh had been in a car accident. I skipped the meeting and headed over. Josh seems generally alright. Audrey had a really bad panic attack, and is still having trouble feeling that she’s going to be alright. It’s difficult not knowing how to handle this sort of situation, and it’s scary to think of ever having to without Stephanie around (should that ever happen).

This has really distracted me (along with setting up my chromebook so that it’s upgraded and in good shape for the conference). I’m also considering responding or quote-posting a victim-blaming police-positive post my aunt posted. It had me angry enough to want to, and I’m sure I’ve got a bulleted list of things I could draft out and start piecing together, but I’m also kind of exhausted from all this, and would rather spend what time I’ve got left before I leave tomorrow just being with Steph.

2019-09-10 Tue 13:19

Came across a particular toxic twitter thread:

Something you should realize about autogynephiles:

They can’t stop.

AGP functions more like an addiction than an orientation or identity. “Letting out the woman within” is both a high and a release. Time passes, and, without a fresh fix, they become hostile & self-destructive. It seems like they’re putting it on a bit when they talk about how being denied their trans identity will “literally kill” them. It makes more sense, though, if you realize that they very well may believe that.

If you’ve experienced addiction, you know that feeling. I think that trans people who aren’t AGP also experience it as an addiction in some ways. You’ll hear people talk a lot about “gender euphoria.” A euphoric experience is the cornerstone of addiction. Problematically, kids are told “gender euphoria” just means they’re truly trans. The power of addiction lies in dissociation. It’s not just about the direct pleasure offered by the behavior or substance. It’s about what you’re NOT feeling while you engage in that behavior or use that substance.

Transgenderism is elaborate, intense dissociation. Understanding it as an addiction also gives insight into the escalating nature of the phenomenon. Men who crossdress start out doing it occasionally as a masturbatory exercise. Over time, the bliss wanes, and the AGP begins to chase the dragon. This is where they will begin wearing women’s items under male clothing, going out “dressed” in public, buying more and more clothing/prosthetics, involving their previously unaware gf/wife in their crossdressing, getting with mtf sex workers, and/or altering their bodies.

One way gender ideology is broken is that it takes what should be a moment of clarity and turning point — an AGP realizing he isn’t in control of his compulsions — and reframes it as a healthy personal revelation: “I don’t have a problem. I’m actually a woman.” There are extensive psychiatric comorbidities among this population because addictions, even non-substance-use ones, are regularly part of a mentally ill person’s coping strategies.

A lot of trans people are dissociating from painful psychiatric symptoms. When you challenge a trans person’s identity - by, say, using the “wrong” pronoun - they experience intense discomfort. This may manifest as rage, anxiety/panic, or depression.

You just gave a shot of Narcan to a person high on opioids. You interrupted their dissociation. This is why, for so many people, transgenderism never settles into a stable identity. “Gender is fluid” because a dissociation loses its power when it’s no longer new. So a trans woman may become non-binary. They may be a “lesbian,” then pansexual. The shifting is necessary. This population has a high incidence of substance use and dissociative hobbies, such as those which involve role-playing, video games, cosplaying. They engage in these compulsively and rely on them for support the same way they rely on “gender euphoria.” Some trans people will do awful things if their “fix” is threatened. Most just become unhappy. This just depends on their personal boundaries and ethics. Being trans doesn’t make someone dangerous, but an already violent person will commit violence if their gender fix is blocked. Dissociation is the source of the “high” for the AGP. He’d achieve that perfect bliss in embodying any role that was deeply not him. This is why sexism is an absolute prerequisite for AGP. He sees women as another species, not just people who happen to be female. He would get no pleasure from dressing as women if he had substantial empathy for them. Crossdressing wouldn’t take him away from himself if he didn’t believe that women thought & felt completely different than men do. He must “other” women in order to reach that non-self place. The high is from being not-self, which equals, for them, being female - not a “trans woman,” not biologically male, not a “man who became a woman.” Accuracy = potency of euphoria. So each tiny language and situational cue is policed. Any reminder of reality can cause a collapse.

They want lesbian attention because only women get that, so that makes them “real” women. Accessing anything that’s exclusively for women validates their non-self, making their dissociation safer and more satisfying. The thrill lies in being walled well away from the male self. That’s why they want cervical cancer screenings (even though they don’t have cervixes), and why a “third space” facility option isn’t good enough, and why they must fill out a blood donor questionnaire as a female. It has to be identical to what a woman would do or access. To access that gender euphoria, everyone they interact with has to speak and behave as though they’re women. Otherwise, these men are stuck with crossdressing at home or in CD/kink groups. And that really limits how much they can up their dosage, and how often they can dose. Being misgendered once can ruin an entire evening, which AGPs will plan for weeks & spend hours grooming for. For this reason, even after they come out to their spouses, they’ll often wait a long time before CDing in front of her. They need to be sure she’ll stay in character. No sexual orientation is fragile in this way. Tell me that I’m straight, and I don’t suddenly feel less gay.

Offensive speech doesn’t even work the way they say it does. What other group, even heavily marginalized, has such an intricate script that must be read by all? This is because we aren’t functioning as human beings living and letting live. We are animated props for the role-play scenario that lets these people access a specific mental state. We’re set pieces, and the whole world becomes their drug. And if you speak or act wrong (according to gender culture rules), you have now become the thing standing in between an addict and their fix.

And THAT is what you must understand if you want to understand how dangerous gender-critical activism is, and why. A final note: The collective chasing of the dragon is the reason for the progressive erosion of women’s boundaries and rights. They can only feel more by eradicating any structural or behavioral elements that make them feel different than us. This means they’ll never stop. There’s nothing they’ll leave untouched, nothing that should apply to biological women but not them. It doesn’t have to make sense or satisfy any functional purpose.

They will never NOT be chasing the dragon. The cup they hold out has no bottom. Everything won’t be enough, because this is addiction, and nothing characterizes addiction quite so distinctly as a persistent sense of scarcity.

They will always feel dissatisfied, and that will always be women’s fault. People need to wake up to what this is, because, right now, there’s this idea that we just need to give trans people enough of the right things, and all will be well. But… is that what seems to be happening? Could you guess, if you tried, at what would make the AGPs satisfied? You cannot satisfy an addict. It’s not chemically possible. Trying to do so doesn’t help them and isn’t good for you.

Right now the progressives are trying to appease the trans lobby.

I read somewhere - “Appeasement” is feeding a crocodile in the hope that he’ll eat you last.

So. Yeah. It spirals pretty quickly into transmysogynistic bullshit. Still, though, it really stung. Per my conversation with Stephanie:

Correl

Ugh. Came across a clearly anti trans rant that hits far too close to home

(no term)

Correl: https://twitter.com/LaraAdamsMille1/status/1171239053867569152?s=19

Stephanie

Ugh

Stephanie

I couldn’t get through it all.

Correl

It’s tough, ’cause that definitely describes the early part of my journey

Correl

and, by extension, the doubts that linger

Stephanie

Ignore the doubts. You are very different person now than when I first met you. Back then, you were clearly unhappy and that’s when you were struggling with your true addiction. This is not an addiction.

Correl

I know it isn’t

Correl

The thread completely falls apart for me when they start linking it to trans identities

Correl

which, yeah, it’s describing how crossdressing fit into my sex addiction, not how it fit into me

Correl

It’s upsetting seeing what begins as pretty descriptive of the two combining for me conflate them and attempt to twist them tighter together, whereas I’ve worked hard to separate out a healthy, feminine identity

2019-09-25 Wed 00:00

Scarlet was over to hang out a bit tonight. I picked up some champagne flutes and Rose Asti. I also treated myself to some sashimi after work. Now that I’m home by myself, about to get ready for bed, it’s the 25th. It’s been one whole year since I started taking my hormones! I want to post something to social media. Dunno what. An insightful little post. Maybe I can come up with something before I get to sleep. Before I go to work. Before I bail out of work early for a therapy session with dad that got scheduled suddenly tomorrow because Dr Shelley had an opening. I’m looking forward to it, even if I’m not looking forward to telling everyone I need to duck out that early without more notice than morning stand-up ^^;;

Today, I’m happier, more social, more vibrant! That’s what comes to mind as I look back on the past year. This morning, last year, I took my first dose of hormone medication. Today, I’m heading in to work, where my gender will be affirmed by the awesome folks I work with. Today, I have paperwork lying around at home, waiting for me to submit it to start updating the gender marker on my license and passport. Today, I’m me, and I feel pretty awesome about that. I don’t know what the future will bring, but I can feel that whatever path I’m on, I’m moving in the right direction. Today, I’m not standing still. I’m moving forward, and I’m not planning on slowing down anytime soon 💙

Today, I am transgender. Today, I am bisexual. Today, my pronouns are she/her. Today, I’m proud of myself. Today, I am loved.

2019-09-25 Wed 17:11

Got everything posted this morning. Dropped out the ’Today I’m bisexual’ bit, ’cause, well, what’s there was enough 😰

Today’s therapy session went well. Eric helped prompt us a few times,but otherwise it was Dad and I both filling the time just fine talking. The focus was mainly on his trouble knowing how to deal with me being trans, and wanting to be referred to with female pronouns. We also talked a lot about our relationship in general, and what’s been tough. He worries about me, and my safety a good bit. He struggles with explaining what’s going on with me when other folks ask, and honestly it’s not easy for me to explain either. I hope that we can have these sort of heart to heart talks more often. If the therapist setting is what we need, I’m fine with that. If we can manage it on our own, even better.

I did tell him that it doesn’t feel great being called ’he’ when I’m clearly presenting feminine, that it doesn’t hurt, but it’s … disappointing. He did say he could try just introducing me as ’Correl’, which certainly works. I think he has some trouble with seeing his son, I don’t know, not be, and I understand that’s difficult. Ultimately, what’s important is that I love him a lot, and he loves me. I think we’ll be fine. I’m glad we did this today.

2019-10-14 Mon 13:45

I think I should spend my time at therapy tonight talking about my feelings about Paul. Jen’s about to marry him, and I still feel upset when I think of him, and I feel it’s all in my head, and I don’t want to keep feeling this way. Sure, what he was doing might not have felt smart to me, and I did hurt very badly from it, but that doesn’t make him a bad person or anything. In his position, would I have done anything different? Probably not at all. Continuing to feel angry at him isn’t serving me. Avoiding him is easy, but I don’t like the dynamic of always meeting Jen separately. It doesn’t seem kind to either of them. Maybe it’d be awkward for him, too. I don’t know. With the wedding, though, that pretty clearly seals that the relationship is very important to Jen, and obviously not some fleeting, harmful thing. When I judge that on my own feelings, I feel like I’m doubting her ability to make good decisions, and I know that’s just not so. There’s also a chance he’ll be interviewing and maybe getting a job at AWeber, so it’s possible I’ll be seeing him in my day to day in the future. I’ve been thinking actually meeting him and Jen together might help. Just having a passing relationship with him might help. I don’t know. I don’t really feel I’m entitled to one, or that it’s even “normal” to? It’s weird.

Mostly, though, I just feel like I’d feel better if I could get this animosity off my chest and out of my system. Animosity that probably has plenty to do with my own shame and anger with myself over the situation, and being a victim of an uncomfortable outcome of my own infidelity. I cheated on her. She didn’t cheat on me, she moved on.

2019-10-14 Mon 13:56

Today’s also the 11th anniversary of the first exchange of messages Jen and I ever shared on OKCupid. In four days, she’ll be married again. My sadness is outweighing my happiness for her, and that’s a shame.

2019-11-20 Wed 09:21

Time to tackle a comment on Toxic Masculinity.

Context: Shared this:

Got this response from Draco:

The problem is where is the line drawn between toxic masculinity and being a protective person? The idea of toxic being men risking their own safety for the sake of others seems to be the part that’s most revisited in it. Pushing through pain, emotions, and a societal standard of protecting people is hard af to deprogram, and is looked at as stripping away one’s seemingly masculine responsibilities. Given the drastic shifts in our society as a whole, people regardless of gender are seemingly doing away with a lot of the damsel protocol of “saving” women and children from iminent dangers in order to be considered a “hero”. But still, if a man doesn’t take action, they’re considered lesser, and assigned derogatory feminine names if they’re seemingly physically capable of mettling in another’s issues and “saving” them. I notice the word “strong” thrown into the description. Maybe I’m nitpicking but that seems to be unfitting considering the want to do away with unfair built in masculine expectations.

(cracks knuckles)… let’s tackle this one.

Being protective is no more a masculine trait than needing help is feminine, or makes someone a “damsel”. Mocking someone for not engaging in gruff, stoic behavior and making them feel lesser IS toxic masculinity in a nutshell. Coding them as feminine and using feminine language to lambast them IS toxic masculinity. Strength is not an inherently masculine thing, nor is it only brute strength. The word “strong” absolutely belongs there. It’s not stripping away mens’ strength to strip them of toxicity. There is strength in being yourself, in being compassionate, in showing and feeling your emotions, and in taking the effort to better yourself. Freeing yourself from the unreasonable expectation that your strength must be physical and that you mustn’t show weakness is hard (as you pointed out), particularly in the face of the toxicity of others, and anyone that makes any effort to do so is absolutely strong.

2019-11-24 Sun 22:28

What a freaking weekend. Didn’t make it to Jason’s birthday party Saturday night. Didn’t get to Draco’s birthday show today. Spent the weekend continuing work on a mapping data issue at work. Slept like crap last night, too. I was passed out on the sofa for a while, came upstairs around 4, woke back up and stayed up since a little after 5. Watched Galaxy Quest. Remembered this afternoon that the documentary about it is coming out soon… and it’s Tuesday. So I’ve got tickets to go see that with Steph :)

Good news from her, too, she got a callback for her most recent audition!

Both John Trevisani and Chris Fox thanked me for everything I did this weekend. Dunno if I felt all that productive (yesterday, particularly, probably moreso Friday evening and today), but it’s definitely nice being appreciated.

Not the worst weekend, then. I’m just exhausted. Exhausted, with ice cream and movies.

2020-01-13 Mon 13:38

Just capturing a couple of comics that have come up on twitter recently that’ve impacted me.

2020-02-08 Sat 00:50

It’s been a good couple of weeks. Tony came by last week to help me clean up the apartment, and basically made my kitchen spotless while I ran around organizing and straightening up the other rooms. Turned out management was only really interested in the litter box area being clean, but what the hell, it’s nice now.

I’ve been feeling a bit … how do I describe it … frustrated with the fantasies in my head lately. Maybe it’s the reduced spiro dose that’s been giving me just enough drive to be thinking about stuff again, but that’s about all it’s been accomplishing. Well, that, and managing to get just hard enough with Stephanie to enjoy topping again. Which has been very welcome. I’m still getting used to the new sensations, though. I don’t get off the same. With Steph, I enjoy it, but I don’t get off from it. I can masturbate okay; I think that’s just a difference in how I’m reacting to different physical stimuli. The fantasies, though. It’s weird. I’m aware of them, and they aren’t very powerful (probably the low sex drive). They’re very much the same ones I’m familiar with from before. I fantasize about guys with nice bodies and nicer dicks. I fantasize about bottoming for one. I’m sure that’s at least somewhat healthy,… I’m just annoyed that there’s nothing more to them. They’re still so superficial, and honestly, I just don’t know what to do with them. The thought might pop into my head that I could peek around, feed into them, install Grindr just to look at what’s around, but I don’t, and I won’t. They don’t even mesh with what I want in any sort of relationship. They certainly don’t mesh with my relationship as it is now, anyway. Steph and I have talked, and she is open to trying to bring someone in again, but I’m not too eager for that. I don’t want to risk her hurting again for the sake of a fantasy that pops into my head. I just don’t know what to do with it yet. So, I’m talking about it. It helps.

I mentioned in group this week that I’ve been dealing with that. I talked about how I was sitting with Steph, looking through old files and images I had lying around, and thinking about how long I either ignored or suppressed my bisexuality over the years, and how what little experience with it I have is superficial (porn, fantasy) or damaged and weighed down by my struggles, bad decisions, and experiences. I still have a lot of hurt and shame around that. I guess I can’t help feeling guilty and ashamed of wanting to indulge in the fantasy. I also still have a bad habit of projecting how I think Jen would react to things onto Stephanie. I feel that if I keep on harping on my fantasies that she can’t fulfill, she’ll get frustrated and angry and get tired of my “bullshit”. She doesn’t, that’s just not true, and I know it, but I think I’ll feel better if I at least try talking about it more with other folks. I realized in this week’s group that I could probably benefit from getting support from other queer folks. Coping with bisexuality has to be a pretty common thing, after all.

As luck would have it, I discovered a new trans/non-binary support group at SAGA which I attended on Thursday that was very helpful, and also found a trans support discord server that same evening. It’ll be nice to have regular spots that I can use to get trans and sexuality issues off my chest that I find difficult to get support on in my addiction group. It’s really nice just to have more folks to talk to about things.

Tony mentioned at group last week that he was looking for a speaker, and I volunteered. I’ll be doing that Sunday morning. Feels like a good time to have another go at telling my story. I’m going to have extra support too — bringing up my sex addiction in the trans support group presented an opportunity afterwards to catch up with Jen Petro, and she’ll be heading to the meeting with me to hear my story,… her first meeting she’ll have attended there in years.

I’m feeling honored, and I’m feeling so very grateful.

2020-02-08 Sat 01:29

Felt like adding: I shared first at the trans/non-binary support group. I shared on my feelings about identifying as a trans girl vs a trans woman, and I shared about the difficulty I’ve been having with my bisexuality, and I shared about it articulately. I was actually surprised how comfortably and clearly I talked about it. I’m pretty proud of that. Yay me!

As for those topics, I put out some tweets that I kinda feel like saving in here, too:

Jan 31st:

Correl Roush @correlr

In my head, I still seem to relate more with “trans girl” than “trans woman” a lot of the time. Claiming womanhood still feels insincere, I still feel early and undeveloped in my new puberty, and i never got to be a young girl.

It’s all the more annoying that I’m freaking 37.

---

Correl Roush @correlr

I think @galaxytarot may be telling me I’m further along than I may feel I am.

---

Stephanie Helms @sidhra

Try trans feminine, if you need a label. Because, yeah..if you’re doing HRT, there are a lot of feelings both mental and physical to process, and you’re a novice at it. But do not be shy about fully embracing your womanhood. That’s what you are. That’s what girls know they’ll be.

---

Correl Roush @correlr

💙💙💙

---

Stephanie Helms @sidhra

I transitioned at 45. TBH, it was about 16 years until I really felt at home in my skin. I think transition is growth, and learning, and believing in yourself. It requires an openness that you’ve denied yourself for a long time. Everyone’s path is unique. Take your own.

---

Correl Roush @correlr

Thanks 💙

I’m on my path, and I’m moving forward. At times, it’s a bit like bumping into walls in the dark along the way, but I like where it’s taking me.

I may get confused, I may stumble, I may get terribly impatient, but I press on, because it is getting brighter 🙂

---

Stephanie Helms @sidhra

💜

Feb 1st:

Correl Roush @correlr

I spent some time sifting through old files. Old wallpapers, saved fanart, 3d renders, etc… nearly two decades of them, and I know I’d been collecting them longer than that. Anime and videogame boys and girls galore.

Just how long did I ignore my bisexuality?

2020-03-31 Tue 14:47

Posted to Facebook and Twitter:

Today is the International Transgender Day of Visibility!

It’s been nearly three years since I came out publicly as a female-presenting person, and a year and a half since starting hormone therapy. Since then, my life has only gotten brighter and more vibrant. I’m comfortable with myself in ways I never knew I could before, many of my relationships have strengthened significantly, and I’ve gained so many wonderful new connections to people as well!

I’m so grateful these days to be more myself than ever. Not someone new, not someone different. Me. Every step along my life has gotten me here, and every bit of it has mattered. I own my past, I’m writing my present, and I’m optimistic for my future. Getting to know myself is, and has been, quite a journey. It’s one I’m glad to be able to share with you all 💙

On this Transgender Day of Visibility, I ask that everyone who sees this offers a trans person in their life a little extra love. And feel free to ask questions! I’ll be glad to help anyone understand things better; I’ve certainly been working hard to do so myself. Chances are you’ve met a fair number of trans folks in your life. You may not have even realized it. We’re out here, living the same as everyone else. Today’s a great opportunity to get to know us 💙🏳️‍⚧

2020-05-20 Wed 23:18

Been feeling like I should be doing some journaling, what with the COVID-19 pandemic and all. Haven’t felt this depressed and isolated in a long while. It helps to have lots of folks I can at least chat with, but being home alone really wears on me, and maintaining focus to work from home alone is a real struggle.

Some things came up this weekend with Stephanie. For one, we decided I should renew my lease. Our plan had been for me to start moving in over the summer, but that very clearly isn’t going to happen while we attempt to ride out the pandemic. Part of me wants to move over there right now anyway, but that’d be real sudden, and also probably way more effort than I have the energy for right now anyway. I just feel better with her around. The few times I’ve gotten over there to visit have been great, but it’s also really jarring going from being completely alone to being (for a time) together with her after not seeing her for so long. Sex has been a struggle, too. Mentally, I really want to have sex with Stephanie, and I can get pretty worked up, but my body just doesn’t cooperate. I struggle with wanting to try anything, because I lack the faith that my body will be up to it. We had an awkward night, then ended up talking about it the next day. We decided we need to get back in the habit of communicating more in bed. Talking through wants and frustrations always seems to help.

I’m just so frustrated lately, physically. I’m touch-starved a lot, and I’m getting really disappointed in my inability to get physically aroused. I want to get (and stay!) fully hard when I’m with Stephanie. Hell, I want to get aroused when I look at porn at home. A good deal of that is probably wanting the escape and the relief from all the stress, but I’d rather have the ability and deal with whether I should act out with it than to not have the ability and just get more depressed from that. I’m not sure what I’m going to do about it just yet. Could I call the doctor at Planned Parenthood about adjusting doses? Would I be able to even get an appointment at my regular doctor for viagra or some equivalent, and if so, will I run into any awkwardness there from my transition? I’m a big ball of anxiety. Do I need to adjust that prescription? I’d really rather not. I’m not sure what I need, and I’m not sure whether I’d be able to get what I need if I were able to figure it out. Probably helps to write it out, at least. Hugging Zero helps, too. I think I’ll do some more of that before sleeping.

2020-06-09 Tue 14:49

Feeling like capturing some of the conversations I’ve been having on Facebook. There were some others, specifically spots where I called out my father / defended my cousins from some of the opinions he was putting in their comments, but I cannot seem to find them anymore.

2020-06-15 Mon 01:01

Went into this weekend feeling pretty rough. With the news of a local trans woman being dismembered Thursday night, to the rescindence of protections from transgender discrimination in the medical field by the president Friday afternoon, I was having a tough time. Thankfully, I got to spend the weekend with Stephanie and the kids. Hell, I was even unexpectedly horny on Saturday, which was a hell of a welcome coincidence. It’s only a shame I didn’t wake up with her Saturday morning to share the morning wood.

I saw that there was a very large black trans lives matter protest in Brooklyn, and that Dr. Angela Davis had brought up the trans community in an interview. It’s heartening to see that. With the supreme court decisions in trans and LGBT discrimination cases due very soon (possibly in the morning), it’s nice to currently be in a place of hope.

“If we want to develop an intersectional perspective, the trans community is showing us the way.” - Dr. Angela Davis

2020-06-15 Mon 18:38

Today’s tweet, after absorbing today’s supreme court decision:

I was so primed for a negative outcome from the supreme court on title VII, and now that it’s good news I still haven’t quite unwound that anxiety.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m relieved, but one thing going well doesn’t unravel the collective reality where this is but one win.

2020-06-19 Fri 19:37

Well. Got blocked by dad on Facebook. Happy Father’s Day weekend.

I’ll probably benefit from a break from seeing his posts, but it does really hurt. Especially given the last exchange, which occurred on a post he’d shared that basically attempted to equate welfare with privilege. I didn’t screencap his actual share of it, but I was able to find it with a quick google. A mayor somewhere had apparently had to apologise for posting the damned thing:

So, yeah. I was a bit heated. He’d shared a post this morning about supposed Irish slavery in the US that mentioned how they were treated worse than black slaves. On Junteenth. I’d already replied to that one earlier with a link to an article specifically debunking it. After work, though, I got a bit of an argument from him on there. I didn’t get too mad in that one, but then the other one popped up, and I’m just so tired of it. I’m tired of the thinly veiled racism of it. I’m tired of the blatantly bogus crap he’s been putting up there, and I feel like it’s been getting so much worse since he’s retired. And to leave it as he did there? With that snarky “self-identify” bit? I was honestly stunned. I put my reply up there, and was just stunned. I waited a bit for a reply, while talking to Kendall and Stephanie about it. When I eventually looked back at it,… It was gone. Couldn’t see the post. Checked his profile, can’t see his profile. Blocked.

It hurts. It hurts to see him buying into all of the crap he’s putting up there. It hurts that I’m never sure what he really believes because he’s never forthright with it. I still have no idea how he really feels about my transition, because he’s never really talked about it since we had our single therapy session together. I know he felt he was mourning a loss at the time. Is he still? I don’t know. Is he even dealing with it? I wouldn’t be suprised if he’s just ignoring it. What he’s been posting has hurt because it scares me that he really does buy into that stuff. That he’s really that ignorant. That he’s on board with ideas like that. That he doesn’t really respect me for being me.

Does he think my transition is somehow his fault? Does he think my being transgender and wanting to look like and be respected as a woman somehow mocking his efforts as a father to his son? Does he realize it has nothing to do with him at all? I just don’t know.

I know that last jab in that exchange hurt, though. It felt like he was mocking who I am. I believe that he loves me. I know I love him. But that really hurts, and I’m so fearful that he really does see me and my transition as some kind of joke. Or, at least, something to joke about.

All I’ve ever wanted was to have a better relationship with him. To have some real closeness with him. That’s why I moved up there as a kid, that’s why I drug him to that therapy appointment in the first place. It always feels so one-sided though. It’s rare that he initiates a conversation, and it’s never a deep one. It’s true that I’m bad at reaching out to him too. I feel just as much to blame. It’s just so hard with him for some reason.

I’m not sure what I’ll do next. No idea if I should expect him to reach out. I don’t wanna leave it like this. I shouldn’t. I won’t. I’m just … I don’t know. I’ll figure out how to tell him something. I want to be able to at least call him on Father’s Day, and be able to tell him that I do love and appreciate him, and not have this hanging over us completely unaddressed and unresolved when I do. I’m just not sure what I should do with the Facebook stuff, my worries, and my low tolerance for that stuff, which has also been so low lately just with everything else going on. Which we also haven’t talked about at all. No reactions on my posts, no checking in, nothing. I’m always so tired before I begin when it comes to him.

As an aside, though,… that’s the first time I think I’ve ever asserted myself as being his trans daughter. That alone is at least a step worth feeling good about.

2020-06-19 Fri 20:30

Reading your “self-identify” jab earlier really hurt. When you blocked me after I pointed that out, I really felt like you meant it to.

I can cope with being blocked. I’ll probably be better off not seeing some the stuff you post that I strongly disagree with. I love you, and it bothers me when I see you circulating some of the same stuff that I see from some really hateful people.

I know you absolutely love me, but I get afraid sometimes that my being transgender really bothers you. I still don’t know how you really feel about it. I post stuff about myself and things I’m dealing with often these days, and I don’t even know if you see it.

I hope you at least realize that the person I’m choosing to be is myself, and I’m doing it for myself, and it’s no consequence of anyone’s actions or choices but my own.

And I hope you know that I do love you. A lot. I always have, and I always will. I want to be able to share who I am with you. I don’t want us to fall further apart.

2020-06-19 Fri 21:29

His reply:

I’m not going to reply to this in a text. You have a mother, father and a sister and extended family who love you. Communicating thru text and Facebook is BS

PS: it wasn’t ment as jab I was just stating a fact

2020-07-13 Mon 19:43

Taking the opportunity to sneak this entry in while I’m still on my zoom therapy session so it comes in fresh. Tony took time to share a recent experience overhearing a family member who’s child is starting to transition and how that made him feel. He told me how much he appreciates knowing me and how his views on transgender people in particular has broadened from being in the group with me. He now feels that he’s in a place to stand up for folks where in the past, it’d have been too uncomfortable to face or to go “against the grain”. It really meant a lot to hear, it’s so wonderful hearing positive experiences from folks close to me. Dave also mentioned a secretary of his struggling with a child that wants to transition, and gave her the advice to simply love her child as a mother would, believing that Jesus would do the same. Kevin also noted to someone (his wife/therapist?) that there’s a woman in his group, and explained how that came to be. There’s so much appreciation for me in the group, and it feels wonderful to hear. Kevin pointed out that as the longest-standing member, I’ve “blazed the trail” of discovering how to be open and honest with ourselves.

I’m really grateful to hear all this from the group tonight. It flies right in the face of all my occasional anxieties of being a woman in a mens’ group, or of feeling clueless in spite of all my experience. It’s real good stuff.

2020-07-29 Wed 02:13

I screencapped this the other day just in case, clearly not expecting much, but I’m still disappointed to have just noticed I’m not friends with my cousin Cheryl anymore. I’m rapidly running out of extended family from my mother’s side. It’s not like I interact with them much, but still, it’s not a good feeling. I’d felt good about leaving a calm reply. If I end up blocked / unfriended every time, it hardly seems worth the effort. At least someone liked it.

That aside, I’m enjoying my week of PTO. Haven’t really done a whole lot or gotten out at all yet, but I have enjoyed my time relaxing, watching a couple movies, playing some Chrono Trigger and 5D Chess, and doing some research on hormone therapy and methods of retaining erectile function. The latter has been coming along farely well. Between that and looking into progesterone, I think I’m going to be pretty equipped for my next appointment. I may also start asking around for local endocrinologist recommendations. If I end up altering my medication, I’m going to want to start keeping a close eye on it for a bit. I guess Planned Parenthood could do that, I just wonder how invested they’ll be in doing so versus finding my own dedicated doctor.

2020-08-08 Sat 21:18

Had a productive exchange with Kevin Mcallister today.

coderphoenix Today at 10:22 AM https://twitter.com/ayyy_vuh/status/1291786544353873922?s=19

Eva ’’The Peoples’ Girlfriend’’ (@ayyy_vuh) Somehow I missed William Shatner having a 4 day long meltdown over being called cis Retweets 412 Likes 3121

mclazarus Today at 10:39 AM Interesting. I didn’t read all of it because I realized I was falling for “news” bait. But the person telling him “chill out it’s just an adjective” seems like an argument I’d heard before.

coderphoenix Today at 10:48 AM Cis is literally just the antonym of trans.

mclazarus Today at 10:59 AM I just found the “argument” in that one tweet funny and helpful. I was like, “oh yeah I don’t care what shatner or any of these other people think enough to spend time reading it.” It’s a thing I’m doing spending more time avoiding things that are just off the cuff unless from friends I wonder if trans was always taken as positive or has been reclaimed.

coderphoenix Today at 11:04 AM ?

mclazarus Today at 11:05 AM Like describing someone as trans as a slur. That a bunch of people decided to take as a point of pride. The word queer was that way

coderphoenix Today at 11:06 AM Trans is merely the accurate descriptor. To my knowledge it’s never been inherently negative, though the tone of a person using it may sometimes be. It has certainly been perverted into slurs, e.g. “tranny” It does seem some folks see the idea of transness so repulsive that they interpret it as a slur, something to fling at someone they see as less than, particularly when they fail to meet some perceived standard of appearance In that sense, it mirrors common derogatory use of “gay” Or, the good ol misogynistic labeling of perceived insufficient masculinity as being “girly”

coderphoenix Today at 11:21 AM Honestly, all three of those things likely had a significant impact on my own progress on a sense of self. That sense that being non hetero was a negative, that physical weakness or not liking trucks and fighting was negatively feminine, and that transness as depicted to me by way of popular media was either villainous and deceptive, a sexual perversion, or a joke. Those have always been the problems through. Not the word.

mclazarus Today at 11:23 AM That’s reasonable. And obviously not defending anything here. Just thinking of idea I had from the initial tweet. It was definitely helpful for me to have fictional characters that extolled values I had. I do like fighting and strength and competition and also super “nerdy” things. There were many sci-fi authors who would make their heroes bad asses who were also PhDs or something. I think from the online arguments I’ve seen “cis” isn’t used as a negative but is used to try and invalidate a thought. As in we’ll your idea doesn’t matter because you’re cis. That said I don’t think there’s much reason in yelling about it into the void. Name calling has long been a logical fallacy and will go on being so. Anyone unlucky enough to watch upcoming debates will see that.

coderphoenix Today at 11:33 AM Oftentimes I see it used dismissively in the face of cis folks describing how they think a trans person feels or ought to feel / behave, in which case that intent is quite warranted. Other times it’s a means of expressing exhaustion at folks who simply don’t “get it”, and don’t particularly need to. That is to say, cisgenderedness is a form of privilege.

mclazarus Today at 11:36 AM So by calling it privileged does that mean you agree it is derogatory and/or meant to devalue someone’s thoughts? I’ve never heard someone call me privileged except when they wanted me to shut up.

coderphoenix Today at 11:37 AM Privilege is not a negative construct, it is the absence of some struggle. It’s not uncommon to want someone to shut up that fails to grasp a situation they lack any perspective of. An example would be having a cis person griping about how noisy trans folks are about wanting special treatment, missing the point of the trans person just wanting to not be treated as somehow subhuman. The cis person lacks perspective on what the trans person’s experience is, and has the privilege of not having to.

mclazarus Today at 11:41 AM Sure. Though I’d argue that cis or trans all should be evaluated and treated as individuals. Some are jackasses regardless of any struggles or not.

coderphoenix Today at 11:42 AM Alternatively, a white person with generational wealth discussing poor minorities and their behavior, whilst being blind to the history behind why they’re in those positions. Of course they should When folks bristle at their disparate experience being pointed out as though that itself is somehow oppressive, though…

mclazarus Today at 11:46 AM man I wish I had generational wealth. My lab would be way more sick.

coderphoenix Today at 11:46 AM I’m picturing a talking head like Tucker Carlson raving about how “they” claim our country and it’s history are “racist”. Like, yes. That’s a clear fact

mclazarus Today at 11:46 AM I have the privilege of not really knowing what a Tucker Carlson is. pretty sure he’s a fox news talking head

coderphoenix Today at 11:46 AM Generational wealth doesn’t mean you’re one in a line of McDucks

mclazarus Today at 11:47 AM then I’m not interested. money bin or nothing.

coderphoenix Today at 11:47 AM It means you’re not one in a line of the impoverished, and that is to a degree by design I mean, yeah The obvious things to look at there being redlining and loan preference, or the whole Tulsa affair

mclazarus Today at 11:49 AM Oh sure I was definitely a good bet to loan money to as a white person from a family with parents who both had professional jobs. Though I took that as annoying when I wanted assistance from the college. “Expected family contribution” is some horseshit.

coderphoenix Today at 11:49 AM We are not so far from Levittown. Neither physically nor ideologically.

mclazarus Today at 11:50 AM As far as I was concerned I had $4000 that I’d earned working at CVS and cutting lawns. As far as they were concerned my parents house was one of my assets.

coderphoenix Today at 11:51 AM Yep. Cause they’d better have one. Home ownership is a good point towards you not being “one of those”

mclazarus Today at 11:53 AM anyway thanks for your insights. I find our discussion useful I find people yelling at and being yelled at by Shatner less useful other than as a jumping off point. I’m going to shoot people in the face for a while. Although I need to start Horizon Zero Dawn now too I downloaded on an Ed recommendation.

coderphoenix Today at 11:54 AM All I share are jumping off points. Either for discussions, or more filthy memes. Whensoever I post some dumbass comment or exchange, I assure you it’s always because I feel it hints at some deeper issue.

mclazarus Today at 11:55 AM I will now evaluate all your sharings as jumping off points. If I evaluate any otherwise you will hear from my people.

coderphoenix Today at 11:56 AM One of my fun holdovers from being a powerful introvert. I rarely just say things.

mclazarus Today at 11:56 AM are you no longer a powerful introvert?

coderphoenix Today at 11:57 AM I’m … a differently powerful introvert.

mclazarus Today at 11:57 AM @coderphoenix the white.

coderphoenix Today at 11:57 AM Perhaps I’m just more comfortable believing I have more to say these days. Rather, the things I once felt were valueless or burdensome, I now feel differently about. Therapy is a wonderful thing

mclazarus Today at 11:58 AM that’s good.

coderphoenix Today at 11:59 AM Enjoy your gaming, I’ve got showering to do

mclazarus Today at 11:59 AM thanks

2020-08-31 Mon 13:25

Oops. I accidentally the facebook comments.

Honestly, it’s so asinine I don’t even feel that insulted.

2020-09-10 Thu 10:59

A log from Discord today, discussing Dune:

DressToKILTToday at 9:44 AM The book has not aged well. rheiseToday at 9:46 AM in what way? DressToKILTToday at 9:46 AM In the “product of its time, ‘it’s time’ meaning ‘we know he’s the villain because he’s gay’.” Herbert was apparently a bit of a raging homophobe. rheiseToday at 9:47 AM :eyeroll: DressToKILTToday at 9:47 AM I hear the thumper echo on the sand the crackle of the lightning telling massive wormsign The fate of trillions in my hand The spice exists on only one planet in the entire universe.

I met with Stilgar on the way hoping to see if he was ready to lead my Feydakyn He smiled and held up his red palm, Usul has called up a big one!

It’s gonna take Shai’hulud to drag me away from you There’s nothing that hundred Sardaukar could ever do I’ll make it rain down in Arakeen Finally gonna be the Kwizatz Haderach, ooh ooh.

I found out what was in the box I am now known as Usul and Paul Mau’Dib Long live the fighters in this fight I’m dead to everyone unless I become what I may be The sleeper has awakened, father, and they’re frightened by this thing that I’ve become

It’s gonna take Shai’hulud to drag me away from you There’s nothing that hundred Sardaukar could ever do I’ll make it rain down in Arakeen Finally gonna be the Kwizatz Haderach, ooh ooh.

Wormsign the likes of which even God has never seen!

It’s gonna take Shai’hulud to drag me away from you There’s nothing that hundred Sardaukar could ever do I’ll make it rain down in Arakeen, I’ll make it rain down in Arakeen I’ll make it rain down in Arakeen, I’ll make it rain down in Arakeen I’ll make it rain down in Arakeen

Finally gonna be the Kwizatz Haderach coderphoenixToday at 9:48 AM @rheise why the eyeroll? rheiseToday at 9:50 AM it’s :tiresome: why does everything need to be viewed through the lense of wokeness if it was a good story before, it’s a good story now DressToKILTToday at 9:52 AM Gone with the Wind is a pretty good story, that doesn’t mean we should excuse the slavery apologia. coderphoenixToday at 9:52 AM Because it’s useful to know that such topics are presented in that way. Because consuming those ideas is tiresome. EricTheAnteaterToday at 9:52 AM There’s nothing to excuse; it’s a work of fiction. rheiseToday at 9:52 AM it’s like how huckleberry fin was banned in some places because twain used a certain word. of course it’s a bad word, but you can still read the story and enjoy it for what it is. DressToKILTToday at 9:52 AM So are The Turner Diaries. rheiseToday at 9:53 AM free speech includes that which is offensive you shouldn’t have to qualify everythign DressToKILTToday at 9:53 AM I’m not saying we should ban it. coderphoenixToday at 9:53 AM also, calling it out as such rheiseToday at 9:53 AM it’s very patronising coderphoenixToday at 9:53 AM it is not DressToKILTToday at 9:53 AM In fact, I’m excited for the new adaptation to tell that story without the associated bullshit. EricTheAnteaterToday at 9:54 AM The “associated bullshit” is part of the artist’s vision. Removing it will only cheapen and make the adaptation more dated down the line. DressToKILTToday at 9:54 AM Acknowledgement of these things is the only way to learn from their mistakes. I disagree with that assessment entirely. coderphoenixToday at 9:55 AM As, for example, a person who has long endured the normalcy of homophobic portrayals, I can appreciate being informed and prepared to steel myself for more should I read it. DressToKILTToday at 9:55 AM “The artist’s vision” is a thing to consider, but is in no way the definition of the piece. EricTheAnteaterToday at 9:55 AM Values are tools for human development, not the other way around; judging past fiction through the lens of contemporary moral fashion seems like a waste of time. DressToKILTToday at 9:56 AM Take Fahrenheit 451, for example. Bradbury has a radically different interpretation of what that book is about than pretty much anyone who’s ever read it. Fiction is a reflection of the times, though. We must judge it that way, the same as we judge all the past. If we don’t, we don’t grow. coderphoenixToday at 9:57 AM a lot of past fiction was abhorrent even by the “moral fashion” of its time DressToKILTToday at 9:57 AM “We can’t condemn the South for its defense of slavery, because that was the contemporary moral fashion.” Yah no. EricTheAnteaterToday at 9:57 AM “Growth” is not some objective thing. Our society isn’t evolving towards anything. We can condemn or condone that which we choose. DressToKILTToday at 9:58 AM By that standard nothing is abhorrent and everything is permissible, and our current moral standards are just imposing limits. The Mad Scientist argument. coderphoenixToday at 9:59 AM Also, reductionism is tiresome. Reducing it down to “moral fashion” ignores the material harm those ideas produced. DressToKILTToday at 9:59 AM “The fools! They don’t understand!” rheiseToday at 10:00 AM sorry, meeting time DressToKILTToday at 10:00 AM Yeah, I have to go do reviews for all my direct reports now. Which I learned was a requirement late yesterday and are due today. coderphoenixToday at 10:20 AM FWIW, it’s also disheartening that merely pointing out that some things can be perceived as offensive or harmful, particularly on issues that have affected and continue to affect me, is so readily met with dismissal, scorn, and “debate”. I can assure you that any frustration you may have with these issues being brought to light is dwarfed in comparison with the pain and frustration of having lived and continuing to live with them being presented, defended, and enforced. EricTheAnteaterToday at 10:29 AM I apologize if that’s how I came across, that was certainly not my intention. Thank you for helping me see my approach to the topic, and the topic itself, from your perspective. coderphoenixToday at 10:38 AM I think “wokeness” is frequently perceived or promoted as some effort to erase the past. I see it very much differently. I see folks (including myself) presenting these things for what they are, and expressing how it’s harmful. As was pointed out, the goal is to learn from them, and that cannot be done by burying them, but by exposing them.

Noting that they’re harmful is also useful as a warning to folks who might not be prepared to endure it (or can, at least, approach it knowing that it’s there), hence content / trigger warnings. For example, having been reminded of the sudden out-of-place, out-of-character homophobic slur in the original Bill and Ted movies did not prevent me from revisiting them, but did soften what would’ve been a gut-punch in the middle of an otherwise fun, uplifting, nostalgic film. Similarly, I fervently promote the Netflix documentary “Disclosure: Trans Lives On Screen”. It does an excellent job of presenting points of view on media, how it affected people, and how people have effected change. It presents a very wide selection of examples throughout the full history of film and television which, honestly, can be hard to watch as a transgender person. I know a lot of folks that couldn’t make it through it, or had to take it in multiple sittings. I’m glad it exists, and it is my hope that more cisgender folks will watch that and be able to find empathy through it, and I’ll sit through it as many times as I can manage to introduce it to others. In particular, the two vomiting scenes in Ace Ventura were so, so much worse with the added context that the song played in the background during them was from The Crying Game, not to mention knowing how years of portrayals like that shaped my understanding of what a transgender person was into something so distant and perverted from the truth that it took me thirty-five years to realize that it was wrong, and how. These are specific, personal examples, but the sentiment is very, very similar in accounts from other people in different marginalized groups pointing out other problematic depictions in other media. So, tiresome as some folks might find “woke takes”, these causes are sufficiently motivating even for me, who tends not to go on about anything much, to rant on them in hopes that others might understand why I find them so important.

2020-09-10 Thu 23:47

Got a prescription for generic viagra (sildenafil). Half a tablet (50mg) certainly seemed to work. Looking forward to putting it to some more productive use later on.

2020-10-14 Wed 23:50

Picked up my first prescription for progesterone, hoping for good results!

2020-12-17 Thu 00:25

Just lying in bed, letting my nighttime pills dissolve. Realized I haven’t written in a while, figured I might as well. Not much going on tonight beside all the snow coming down. Haven’t been doing too badly. It’s kinda rough now that it’s dark as soon as I’m done work, though I’ve been getting a bit more proactive with turning the other house lights on before that happens so I’m not walking out of my office into total darkness. Thanks to a trip to Ulta with mom a couple weeks ago, and also Anabel suddenly getting into it herself, I’ve been starting to play around with my makeup again. It’s definitely a welcome boost, though I still don’t have time in the mornings to do it before work. Probably because I’ve been staying up past midnight a lot. I am getting older, I suppose.

My birthday was pretty uneventful, just took the day off work and skipped group in the evening since mom came over for dinner with some Boston Market takeout. I had a call from grandmom that made my day, then got a card in the mail from her the next day addressed to “Ms. Correl Roush”, which also felt great. Also, for whatever reason, a makeup photo I posted to Twitter got 155 likes? Seems crazy, definitely unexpected, but pretty cool.

Spent some time with Scarlet, too. She had a real rough day recently, and we talked about it for a while. Glad to have her as a close friend. It’s great having friends to talk to about all sorts of stuff.

2020-12-17 Thu 22:40

Weird day. Started off reasonably enough. Had a good one-on-one session with Alex chatting about git. Lunch more or less got eaten up by waiting for a deployment issue to get cleared up. I rested a bit before getting back to work but, when I did, I just felt exhausted. I ended up taking the afternoon off to rest. I’m going to avoid staying up too late, and see if tomorrow goes any better. I wonder if it’s because I’m stuck inside staring at screens all week lately. Feels like I need a break.

2021-01-09 Sat 16:25

Got Scarlet moved in last night. She’ll be staying with me a while to get away from a difficult situation with her brother. It’s gonna be hard not being able to see Stephanie for a while, but I think this will work out well for me and for Scarlet.

It’s been a wild week. My focus has been all over the place, particularly with the capitol insurrection. I’m also a bit concerned about Zero… he’s been drinking a lot of water and peeing an awful lot. It might be nothing, but I’ve scheduled an appointment for him to get checked out. He’s been so great through everything, and I can’t bear the thought of him falling ill.

2021-01-29 Fri 18:24

Feeling really stressed out after work today. Most of the actual workday went really well, but there was an undercurrent of frustration amongst a few folks that I’d talked to about an upcoming “Wellness Initiative” plan that charges employees $30 per paid period if they fail to do enough tracked healthy activities. A number of folks had pointed out in comments on the confluence page describing the plan that they’re either uncomfortable with the third party tracking or otherwise concerned with the amount of activity required. I know I’m put off by it. I’m unlikely to bother augmenting my behavior to track what they specifically require, and it is rather invasive even if the data is safe.

I’d decided to share an article in our #offtopic-watercooler slack room about the ableist implications of such programs and how it punishes people who may be unable or unwilling to engage in the prescribed activities which ultimatey may not have any meaningful impact on their personal level of health to begin with. Tom (the CEO) seems to be taking feedback about the program very personally, with a response to the comments in Confluence and then in response to the article I posted. It felt needlessly personal and unprofessional. I said my peace and made clear that it was intended to be informative and not a “passive-aggressive” response to his comment on Confluence. I’m leaving it as-is for now and decompressing on the sofa for a while. For my own sanity (and also because it felt potentially necessary) I documented everything with screenshots and saved the confluence page with comments as they stood this afternoon to a PDF. I’m grateful knowing that my coworkers are supportive and on the same page, at least. Shamique reached out when she saw the slack thread. What a way to wrap up the day.

Scarlet made some chili tonight, I’m looking forward to enjoying it while watching some more She-Ra.

2021-02-22 Mon 16:26

Had a chat with Hope about my concerns with the wellness initiative, and also my feelings about Tom’s replies. I think it was productive. I don’t think anything will change regarding the program, but I think my stance on it is clear. Hope offered to mediate a discussion between Tom and I to chat about my feelings from that exchange. I’m hoping that will help to clear the air and put it behind me.

2021-03-29 Mon 18:19

Feeling a bunch of stuff from this weekend. I got over to Stephs. After lying in bed for a while chatting, we got to the topic of our sex life, and how difficult it’s been. At the root of the issue is that Steph just doesn’t find me attractive anymore. Just as I’d said that things would’ve been so much easier if I could’ve just been happy as a guy, she said things would be so much easier if she were bi. It’s a really tough subject. I’m glad we’re able to talk through this, at least. Goodness knows we love each other enough, and that is still enough some of the time, but the energy and the ease we used to enjoy is gone now. She’s been afraid of me becoming aroused because she doesn’t share mutual attraction. It’s something we’ll continue to talk through. It seems a good idea to look into a therapist we could see together to talk about this stuff. I wonder that I might benefit from a gender therapist as well, just so I understand my own feelings about stuff. I don’t regret my path, nor does she regret supporting me in it. I guess it just makes my doubts a bit fiercer.

We’re also on the fence with my moving in, because Steph still hasn’t had an opportunity to live on her own, and isn’t sure she’s ready for me to just move in. It’s disheartening.

I’m just glad we love each other so much and are actively discussing our feelings on this stuff. Scarlet’s been glad to lend an ear as well. Better that than to sit with it alone in my own head.

2021-04-14 Wed 23:30

I’m continuing to push through work. I took a mental health day yesterday which helped a little. The stress of the anti-trans bills plus renewed uprising in Minneapolis has been weighing heavily on me. Also, Zero.

Zero’s barely eaten anything this week. He’d seemed to be doing better for a while as we’d started giving him wet food every night, but now he seems to be just poking at it. Tonight I gave him a fresh dish, I had to bring him downstairs to it (he usually at least comes downstairs, so that was weird). He sniffed at it, then walked off a little and threw up (pretty much just dry heaving). Something’s really wrong. I’m going to see how quickly I can get him into the vet. Tomorrow will be a busy day, between that, the sex and relationship coach, work, and my first covid vaccination.

2021-04-16 Fri 00:53

Today ended better than it started. I got Zero to the vet early, but they weren’t able to give an answer as to what’s going on with him. The vet recommended I schedule him for an ultrasound. He gave Zero some sort of treatment to help out.

The call with the coach went well, though it was delayed as I hadn’t noticed she’d sent a google hangouts invitation via email earlier in the day. I am excited to get to work with her together with Stephanie.

The vaccination went smoothly, and I do feel better haven gotten it. It’s just the first of two shots, so it’ll be a while, but I feel like I’m at least on a path towards a little bit more normalcy in the future. I’ve needed that sort of hope back, especially with all the shitty stuff going on lately.

Zero did attack his food later tonight. I’m not sure if it’s because of the vet treatment, or me maneuvering his food around, but I’m glad he got some food in him. I was terrified that he would continue to just not eat anything, so I can at least rest a bit easier now. I’ll get his ultrasound scheduled tomorrow. I got Steph some chocolate covered pretzels and a customized giant cookie, I’m eager to get over there after work / happy hour.

2021-05-05 Wed 20:48

There’s so many ways in which I’m not sure I ever knew how Jen really felt about things at all. In all my isolating, focusing soley on myself, and attempting to solve everything on my own, I never really tackled issues in the relationship with her. I was too busy inventing how I thought she felt, then using that to justify my decisions.

The thought crossed my mind as I was in the Wednesday remote SLAA meeting talking about perspective, after I’d shared on both my overall change in perpective and also on how I’m now excitedly working together with Stephanie to figure out what we need in our relationship vs. how I didn’t do that with Jen.

I’m just so glad to be talking and working on things together with Stephanie, and talking and sharing perspectives with people in general these days.

2022-03-08 Tue 23:40

I’ve uninstalled Twitter and Facebook from my phone. I need a break.

This year’s wave of anti-trans legislation across the US has been horrific, and coverage outside of the bubble of trans folks I’m connected to on Twitter has been all but nonexistent. Texas is telling folks to turn in people getting their kids affirming care for child abuse. Idaho is passing a bill making providing trans care punishable by up to life in prison. The only thing I hear about on the news or elsewhere is on Florida’s so-called “don’t say gay” bill, and even that isn’t getting that much coverage. It really does feel like a genocide is underway, and no-one outside of the affected group knows or cares.

Sharing things feels like doing something. What more can I do? I’ve donated to organizations. I’ve attempted to share stories on Facebook to, at times, literally no response. Typically the only people that do seem to see it are queer folks that are already in the line of fire, so it feels like I’m hurting them more than I’m garnering the support of others. I feel powerless and alone. My whole trans timeline seems powerless, alone, and severely hurting. The weight of it has been affecting my ability to focus, and is just another thing on top of the general sense of powerlessness over the pandemic and every other social justice issue out there. I don’t know what to do with these feelings.

So, for the first time in a long while, I’m going to genuinely attempt to cut myself off from everything a bit. Every new story, every hurt friend online is hurting me. I need a break from it all. It won’t fix everything. It won’t alleviate the fear and anguish I feel for a whole new generation of trans kids that are being traumatized and potentially lost from all this. I love this community, but this community is in such pain, and due to a lot of the same hate and apathy at play now, has always been shattered. I’m in pain with it. I’m hoping that at least by not consuming so much of the pain for a little while, I’ll have a bit more time to push through my own.

2022-06-08 Wed 23:49

The rhetoric and legislation attacking trans people and trans kids in particular is downright evil. I don’t know what to do with all this hurt and rage as stuff like this keeps happening.

2022-07-07 Thu 08:12

During my one-on-one at the end of the day yesterday, I expressed to Scott how bad I feel my burnout has gotten, as well as my intent to take an extended break from work to address it and my move. It wasn’t easy to do, because I like AWeber and I like Scott and the people I work with there. I appreciate that they value me being there, and I feel bad that I haven’t felt capable of delivering on that value for a while. We wrapped up with Scott offering to take some time to see if AWeber is able to offer any solutions for me. I’m not sure that’ll work out, as I’m thinking in terms of months off, not weeks, but I appreciate the thought. Part of me regrets not just plainly stating that I intend to leave, but I didn’t want to be brash and burn bridges. I’m just looking forward to claiming my time as my own to focus on myself for a while with Stephanie’s support.

2022-07-07 Thu 22:59

I’m concerned that I failed to convey to Scott what exactly my intent is. I see myself taking no less than six months away from work, possibly a year. It’s not a medical decision, it’s a personal one.

I’ve been struggling since the pandemic began to get accustomed to remote work. Early on, it was difficult adjusting and being home alone (with the exception of Zero). Then Scarlet moved in and I was less lonely, but no longer had a separate area for work. I’ve suffered the loss of my cat. I’ve taken on responsibility for Myles. I’ve endured the worst two years in history of mainstreamed anti-trans attacks. I’ve watched political upheaval and violently suppressed uprisings. I’m processing Jen leaving for the UK. I’m figuring out my own move into Steph’s house, which will require work and another significant adjustment.

In the wake of all of this, I’ve felt my attitude towards work transition from a passionate effort to better myself and my team to an exhausting struggle to produce. I’m losing sight of the role I even want. I’m disinterested in the technology and tired of maintenance and boring rewrites. The only thing really keeping me engaged is working with the team to help them learn and get stuff done.

More than anything else right now, I’m just so very tired. I feel exhausted during the week, and joyful weekends feel far too short to recharge. Tackling projects outside of work has been terribly difficult, and it just doesn’t feel sustainable any longer. I need to spend some time on myself, and give myself the bandwidth to handle the other shifts and stressors in my life. I need to reclaim the time and energy to enjoy these changes, and to figure out what it is I genuinely want to be doing right now and in the future.

I appreciate that they want to retain me, I really do. Right now, though, I’m ready to throw in the towel.

2022-07-22 Fri 23:16

It is a really weird feeling leaving a remote company, especially having started with them in person. Just some video chat goodbyes, some slack messages, then I log out and I’m…. just done.

I managed to wrap some stuff off, and other stuff not so much. Ultimately, it just felt odd. I’ll really miss everyone. My anxiety is still a faint buzz, but I am looking forward to the break. It’s just that it’s so weird leaving a place I can’t physically leave.

2022-08-28 Sun 12:01

Lot of feelings this morning. I’m home, having left Stephanie’s place a bit after midnight. She wasn’t feeling well, and had assumed that I wouldn’t be staying the night. So, I unpacked the lamps and things from Jen’s storage from my car, and left. She felt bad about it, and wasn’t up to making a decision about whether to change her mind, so I reassured her it was fine and headed back to the apartment. It’s not that I came home that bothers me about it, it’s the assumption that I wouldn’t be planning on staying. We’d talked a little about accelerating my moving in to be sure I get it done in time, but then I’m left feeling confused that we’re not also moving towards me spending more time there. I worry about how we’ll get along when she feels like isolating and I’m just there.

I’m also not feeling great about sharing the pictures from my photoshoot with Katie. I know sexy/flirty imagery is not her thing, and I respect that, I just wish I could share them with her and point out what about them brings me joy without being immediately told that she’s just not interesting in seeing not just them, but anything like them. My goal isn’t to arouse her with them, I know they’re a turn-off; I’m just not sure how to share my excitement and empowerment from them, and it feels unpleasant not to.

It was even a bit awkward checking, as she wasn’t feeling well, whether I should come by in the first place. My offer to take care of her was met by there being few chores left to take care of, when I see it less as doing busywork for her (though I’m totally up for that) and more about just being there to comfort her. I really get the impression she wants to isolate and be alone when she’s not feeling well, which saddens and concerns me a bit.

At least we were able to enjoy a decent amont of time beside one another while she enjoyed her game. That felt really nice.

bedtime: 01:00
awake: 06:00

2024-04-10 Wed 10:27

Stephanie didn’t sleep well at all last night, apparently my kicking in my sleep was particularly bad. We cuddled a bit, and began looking into what could be done about it. Quick internet research points to REM Behavior Disorder, which is fairly rare and doesn’t, at a glance, seem very well understood. It’d probably be a good idea to start tracking when it happens and keep notes on anything that could be useful. It’ll also be good to finally get set up with the local doctor’s office so I can start getting it checked out properly.

For what its worth, last night I got home around ten from playing magic and stayed up late attempting to use my new hot air rework station. It was a bit frustrating as I was tackling a tricky problem, so I was a bit revved up. I chilled in my office on my phone for a bit, then got to bed around 1am.

I should probably focus on trying to get to bed earlier, and start doing so regularly. It may also help to try and kick the habit I have of picking up my phone in bed whenever I’m not feeling the deep pull of sleep.

2024-06-22 Sat 00:59

Busy workweek getting things out, so I was a bit exhausted tonight. Still thinking a lot about the movie I Saw The TV Glow. I took Scarlet out to see it Wednesday night. It really left a lasting impression; I may have to collect my thoughts on it later.

Just as I was finishing my dinner I got a notification on my phone that there was a Matrix Resurrections watch party on Discord, so I joined in on that. Glad to have finally made one of those, it was nice enjoying a movie I love with a bunch of awesome trans strangers. Maybe that’ll finally be the kick I need to be a bit more active there. That, and discussing The TV Glow there.

2025-11-17 Mon 20:28

Dating is hard. I met a guy, Tom, on Bumble. We met in downtown Lansdale for a date a week ago, and had a great time just enjoying the retro game store, getting dinner, walking around town, and having some drinks. Totally platonic, just a really nice time. Wasn’t even sure he was physically interested. Offered him a hug before he left, and that was that.

We chatted, he seemed interested in pursuing a platonic friendship. Disappointing, but I’m fine with that. He’s a good guy, we have a lot of shared interests. He had a relationship with some other person that might be moving forward.

Later on, he mentioned that his other relationship maybe wasn’t moving forward, and he was interested in hanging out again. I headed to his place on Sunday, and again we had a really good time. We played a bit of magic, watched a couple episodes of Mr. T’s animated adventures, which he’d had on the TV already when I came in. He gently placed his hand on my leg, and after a bit, I met it with my own. His hand moved further over my leg, we held hands a bit, then slowly it became more, and we ended up making out. Making out turned into reclining on the sofa, then we went into the bedroom.

Afterwards, we chatted in bed a while, chatted in his kitchen, and poked through magic cards before I haded out to let him enjoy the Celtics game.

Today, he texted me, and he admitted he had a great time, and wanted everything that happened, but said he’d rather continue as platonic friends. I’m frustrated. I’m not upset with him, I’m just immediately mourning what I thought was a great physical connection. I’d felt like he ticked a lot of boxes for what I was looking for, and it does suck that it won’t be what I hoped.

Was it me, was it something I did or didn’t do? It’s unproductive to think that way, but I also can’t help them popping into my head. So, I’m tossing them in here. I keep thinking about other hookups where I got one thing but never got what I was fantasizing about or had wanted to have happen, and feeling frustrated that this feels like that because I declined to do anal. Not necessarily because I regret my decision, I wasn’t really up for dealing with it and hadn’t expected sex when I went there, but because now I’m mourning the loss of a potential “next time”.

It’s not like either of us claimed to have a bad time or anything, and he does still want to be friends, I’m just sitting here wishing it had played out differently. I’d already started fantasizing about having another encounter with him and having sex with him, and I’m discarding that, and feeling bad that I’m discarding it. I want to hold onto that fantasy. I want to find someone that will fulfill that fantasy, and I don’t want to start all over again. None of that is his problem, and I’m definitely not the sort to push him into anything he nor I aren’t comfortable with. I’m just trying to figure out what to do with these feelings, I’m still upset, and since I don’t want to dump that onto him, I’m dumping it here. Who knows, maybe he’ll change his mind again. Maybe not. I don’t really want to hold onto hope for that happening either, it’s just another fantasy I don’t want to resent not coming true. Maybe that’ll get hard for me to deal with and I’ll have to cut it all off. I hope not, I like to think I’m able to set that disappointment aside. I’m making up too many versions of the future.

I just want to enjoy what did happen and enjoy whatever comes next. It’s just hard to.